Reflection - One Month Later

So. It's now been a month, to the day, since he moved out and over two months since we decided to split up. How does the land lie.....

Well, the week before he moved out was horrific. The week after he moved out was horrific. But then after that a new normal developed. We still keep in touch, he still has quite a few things at my place. It's weird but then completely natural at the same time. I'm not sure how that can be but there you go. I'm also not overly surprised at how well he's adjusted to it all. He says he misses me (for the first two weeks after he moved out he slept on his sofa as he couldn't face a double bed alone) and does still wear his wedding ring, but aside from that he's just carrying on as normal. Accepting that after nine years together - that's it.

A part of me is hurt by this reaction, especially as I know that he didn't want us to split up. It was initiated by me and we would have stayed together if it was up to him. But at the same time how is this different to how he dealt with the past year?! A couple of weeks in the summer aside, he showed no fight at all to want to save us. No initiative to fix what was wrong. He just kept going and carried on as if all was normal. Even alluding to us still having a family - despite the fact that he had absolutely zero interest in sex, no matter what I did/said/tried.

Friends and family have, mainly, been lovely. Admittedly I left it to my mum to tell my extended family, and asked her to make it clear I didn't want a massive reaction to the news. I wanted to be left alone for a bit, couldn't stand all the 'oh my god I hope you're ok' texts/calls which (rightly or wrongly) I was sure would follow. Friends, whilst initially stunned, have pretty much left me alone too. Altho not from me asking, they just have. Everyone has their own busy lives to lead. A couple of members of his family have got in touch with me too, quite sweetly. I do hope to stay in touch with them, as much as is appropriate.

My mother is the most difficult one in some respects tho. She has been wonderful and we've had some lovely days out together since I've been living alone. But she is incredibly angry with him and cannot understand why I am not. According to her he has robbed me of my chance to be a mother, taken away my best child bearing years. I can understand her anger. She has said that if he finds someone else in the next couple of years and gets them pregnant she'll kill him. I believe her....... Part of me does hope he finds someone else. I want him to be happy. But I also think that is the only way he will realise what he should have done here, finding that 'real' and 'proper' (or however you want to call it, am I making sense??!) love with someone else.

But I'm not sure he would find someone else, let alone get them pregnant. Prior to this summer we, pretty much, hadn't had sex or done anything remotely sexual for three years. Three years. Just let that length of time sink in. So. Either he doesn't have a sex drive (which I'm pretty sure was it, he was never that interested even when we first started dating but for whatever reason it didn't bother me so much then) or he just doesn't love me the way he thinks he does. My mum reckons it's the latter, the fact he showed absolutely no fight - no desire to fix things or desperation to not lose me, proves to her that he never really loved me the way one should love a wife. I just think that's the way he is - he's lazy, has few life skills and no initiative.

But that doesn't stop me still loving him. I do harbour some anger towards him, of course I do, we had so much to look forward to and it was his actions (or rather inactions!) that have taken that away from me. But at the same time what is the point in directing that anger at him?! It's just the way he's made, he can't change. It's like getting angry at the weather when it's raining. What on earth can you do about it?! Which then takes me to my mother's second issue with the situation - I have no outlet for this anger. And that is true.

I have days when I cannot believe this is where I am. Sometimes it feels as if the last nine years didn't happen and I'm just back in my flat as if I never left. But I have not had a week without tears. Proper, all engulfing sobs. The most I've had without tears so far is five days in a row, no more. I am angry. I can't believe I'm here. I don't want to be single at 38. I wanted to be married to the most wonderful guy, have the house and the kids and the dog. All the clichés. And that's been taken away from me. By someone who couldn't be arsed to do anything about it.

I don't hate him, I don't resent him. He can't help it, it's just the way he is made. And I had to be absolutely completely and utterly sure that he wasn't going to change before I walked away. So I do not regret anything. There is just a part of me that still wants the version of him that doesn't exist. The version that has that missing puzzle piece. And for as long as the part of me that wants that is bigger than the part of me that is happy alone the tears will still come. I'm sure there will be a day when those parts swap size, but not yet. I cling on to how far I've come. Look where I was a year ago (here - blogs are funny like that) so who knows where I'll be this time next year. I promised myself at the end of 2017 that I would end this year happy. That I would not be in the same place as I was then. I think it's safe to say that I'm not! But am I happy? Not really. Most of the time I'm fucking miserable. But I know I will be happy, and that's the important thing.

Tiredness

So. The holiday. 'Phenomenal' I think is the word we both decided to call it!! The hotel was just stunning, it was only 9 months old and more of a complex really. There were four different hotels on site, each with its own pool, bar and snack bar; and then the reception/lobby area and main catering facilities were all shared. There was an additional pool, a proper one, down on the beach and three buffet restaurants along with six themed restaurants (American diner, steakhouse, teppanyaki etc etc), a coffee house and an ice cream parlour - ALL of which was included in our all inclusive deal. There was then a sports bar, casino, bowling alley and theatre as well as a main square for entertainment. Can you see now why we described it as phenomenal?! Whilst the weather wasn't as great as I'd hoped it would have been, when it was hot it was HOT! So we both came back with enough of a tan to make it look like we had actually been away.

However. As wonderful as the holiday was, it was a holiday as friends. We decided on Wednesday 27th September, less than three weeks before we were due to go away, that we would split up. We hadn't had sex for over two weeks and when he suggested it that evening in the same manner as if he was asking me what we were going to have for dinner, something inside me finally realised - I'm tired. He's not going to change. I cannot change him. I cannot keep going round in these circles. I told him I was having doubts. He told me that we'd promised ourselves we wouldn't do this again. It was sad, but we'd tried and it hadn't worked. We were done.

I was tired of trying to change him when he simply can't, for whatever reason, be changed. He will never meet my needs sexually. I knew that then. At that moment. The realisation just hit me. When he suggested we have sex that Wednesday evening, so matter-of-factly, as if it was something to tick off a list, I just couldn't go through with it. Despite the fact he knew how much it meant to me, how upset it made me and how much I desperately want us to have a good sex life (which might even lead to children) - he just couldn't do anything about it. He'd had days off work in the week, when I wasn't around, and he spent them watching old films, sleeping and playing games on his phone. He didn't spend them reading the counsellor recommended book, or any other book on the subject, or doing any research about his lack of libido and lack of experience. He'd never even tried to put into practice anything in the book. And I was tired of talking about it. Tired of trying to make him see my point of view. Tired of trying to make him change.

The rose tinted glasses from summer had definitely come off and we were suddenly brought screechingly back to where we were. Where we were a year ago. A year. He was still only a third of the way through said recommended book that had arrived in the first week of August (i.e. six weeks previously). He hadn't seen the counsellor again since the one and only appointment in July. And I was tired. I absolutely could not do it anymore. And I know I've said that before but something definitively shifted. The penny finally dropped that he was not going to change no matter what I did or said. And I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if'.

He's found somewhere else to live and is moving out this Saturday (4th Nov), still local which should be lovely. We will remain friends, I know we will. To be honest that is all we've been for a while now. The Wednesday night was horrible. After the discussion we spent the evening in different rooms. We looked at cancelling the holiday but it was too late, I looked at someone else to go with but there was no one that could. The next day he said that he'd changed his mind and actually he'd like to come. When I asked why he said it was because it was unlikely he'd be able to go away anywhere again in the near future. Which is true, and it's true for me too. We honeymooned in Mexico, it somehow seemed fitting that that was also the location of the holiday which was to be the end of our married life together.

We're absolutely not talking about divorce, there's no reason to go down that road really, it's just a different chapter. Once the initial hurt had passed there was no further atmosphere at home, it was lovely. It really was. As if we could stop trying to force the relationship to be something it wasn't, stop trying to force-fit something that just wouldn't go and that pressure just lifted. We were like two mates. Really good mates. We'd laugh and joke, we divided up the furniture and talked about me helping him financially with the new place. It was all incredibly amicable. Like a weight had been lifted and neither of us had to force things or desperately try and fix something that I think, deep down, we both knew couldn't be fixed.

He said he'd thought it was inevitable. That actually, even though my flat was on the market and we'd looked at houses, that he couldn't see us living in one. For whatever reason. That it was just never going to work. And the fact we have both accepted that now and can relax (if that's the right word?!) has been brilliant. We've been out for dinner since we decided to split, we still talk frequently during the working day, we've discussed going on holiday again in the future together and going out for dinner at least once a month to catch up - we still get on so well. On holiday we were perfectly happy being naked around each other, coating each other in cocoa butter at the end of every day (and yet still nothing........) and we still hug and kiss on the lips, hold hands and snuggle on the sofa watching TV. So we're probably in some limbo that's unique to us. More than friends but not quite boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. I don't expect people to understand that, that's fine, my family are struggling to understand. But we know, we get it and are sure of exactly where we stand with each other and that's all that matters.

It's just sad. So unbelievably, gut wrenchingly, painfully, excruciatingly sad. And it fucking hurts. Like. HELL. I'm mourning the end of my marriage, mourning the future I thought we had that is now no longer there. I am not mourning him tho, I know I will not lose him. It will be strange not seeing him every day, that will take a lot of getting used to, but he will still be in my life. I am sure of that. Our relationship is just a different one now. One of friendship. Good friendship, amazingly spectacularly close friendship - but no more than that.

Family have been told. Friends are in the process of being told as and when it's appropriate. So there you go. The end of an era. I'm single again at 38. Onwards.

Happy Ever After?

So, following on from my last post (here) we were back living together again. For reasons I won't bore you with (it really is a very long story.....) we're both now living at my flat. A one bedroom flat. That I was convinced would end us, that we wouldn't survive in, that would be harm than good. How wrong I was!!

It felt like we'd hit the reset button, that going back to that flat was the 'CTRL-ALT-DEL' of the relationship. We managed to get out of the old place in one day (which was towards the end of June) so there was no going back, hubby went with the last of the stuff and I did the final clean and posted the keys through the letter box. As I left in my car the emotions overwhelmed me - it felt like I was going home.

I got back to my flat to be surrounded by boxes but the TV was on and the bed was made. We both had showers, we ordered pizza, we opened a bottle of fizz. And we were happy. The next few months were hit and miss but mainly hit. The summer was generally lovely, it really was. I had a lot of holiday to take (my holiday year runs Sept - Aug) and managed to not work a five day week for two months which was brilliant. We had a weekend away in another city and had a wonderful time (and sex!), we had a few nights out in town (and sex!) and we really loved being at my flat again. He even joined me, unannounced, in the shower at one point........... *ahem*

After our reconciliation in June I had talked to him about how I was feeling. I said, as I have said before, that I needed actions not words and that I wanted to see where we were at the end of August before I made any further decisions about us. I thought that was a fair window to see if things improved in the one department where things were still lacking. Everything else is pretty much fixed, it's just the sex. Or distinct lack of.

Hubby finally went to see a counsellor at the end of July, he said the session was very productive and ordered a book to read. We started discussing a holiday, a proper one. We haven't had one this year and we usually go away in April. For obvious reasons we didn't this year. I have always paid for our holidays and we really really do need one. It's been a challenging year for both of us, personally and professionally, and a break to recharge is desperately needed.

At the end of August I sat down with him. Whilst I admitted things were a lot better than they were, they were nowhere near where I wanted them to be. I said I was sick to the back teeth of all the words that were STILL not being backed up by actions. I said I was not going to book a holiday until I saw more actions. I promised him it would be the last time I said that as I have said it far far far too many times.

But here we are, towards the end of September, and I'm having doubts again. We haven't had sex now for almost two weeks, he's working this weekend so that stretch is likely to get longer. The excuses have come back, the actions are not there. He still hasn't finished the book his counsellor recommended he read, it arrived at the beginning of August. He hasn't seen the counsellor again. He still has limited sex drive, although it is better. I just don't know if 'better' is good enough for me. Do I just have a really high sex drive? Do I need to give him more time? Am I being unfair and expecting too much of him?

I have booked a holiday. There was some improvement the first week of September and I panicked as the place I wanted to go was fast booking up. We needed a holiday anyway, I reasoned. So we're off to Mexico in October, which is (ironically enough!) where we went on honeymoon. I cannot wait to go and I'm dreading it in equal measure. We're still not fixed, I don't want to start resenting him. Will we be ok for 11 nights, just the two of us, in close proximity?! It's an adults only hotel so that's one thing to be grateful for.

He has tried, things are better, I do love him (that has never been the issue) but I'm back to being unhappy. He's talked about trying for children again but we are having nowhere near enough sex to make that a reality. He's right for me in so many ways but this one, is that the price you pay? Can you never find that perfect person and there has to be a compromise somewhere? Is this just how it is for everyone and this is my particular compromise? The other thing that keeps playing on my mind is if we do separate he has absolutely NOWHERE to go. I'd be kicking him out on to the street or a friend's sofa and I don't want to do that. Even if I'm unhappy I'd rather that than have him homeless. And yet I have given him so many chances. So. Many. Chances. I don't want to give him any more, it's not fair on me. It's not. Life's too short to be unhappy. Is there someone else out there who is just as right for me and can match my sex drive? Or do I settle for this?

And so the questions begin and just go round and round and round in my head..........

One Weekend in June

Well hello there. Welcome back. Yes yes it's been a while, but life has a habit of getting in the way of blogging I'm afraid. And it is one of those things that the longer you leave it, the harder it is to get back into it. Especially when you have so much to say. There is every chance, therefore, that this will turn into a two-parter. Rather that I think than bore you all with one massive essay in one go!

So, where were we?! I moved back into my flat one midweek night at the very end of May. And I genuinely thought I'd stay there for a while. It was lovely to be back there, I liked being by myself. It reminded me that, should anything happen between me and hubby, I would be absolutely fine by myself. I had very little contact with him and I felt free.

But then two events changed things slightly. Firstly, that weekend after I'd moved out was our wedding anniversary. And no matter my anger towards hubby it was something I wanted to celebrate. I'd left that night as I'd got so frustrated by him, his apparent lack of care and urgency for our situation. Turns out he just didn't know what else to do rather than he couldn't be bothered. I still left as I had got myself so wound up I needed some space. But I was fairly sure that I would only stay a few nights and that I would go back. Especially as it was our wedding anniversary and I had made it painfully clear how I felt, and he had understood.

The second event was more serious. On the Saturday evening I'd just got back to my flat and I got a text from hubby to say that he was fine but would be home late. To which I thought 'so?!', it wasn't as if he was coming back to the place I was staying so I just ignored it. Then, a little bit later, he phoned and I missed the call as I was in a different room to my phone. He called again straight away and this time I answered it, he wanted to know where I was. Wanted to make sure I hadn't spontaneously decided to come into central London as I am wont to do. Something in his voice made me not like the conversation, the noise in the background didn't sound right either. I told him I was fine, that I was at the flat, I hadn't gone anywhere. He said things were kicking off, he had to go and that I should check the news soon.

Hubby is a Metropolitan Police officer. His borough is Southwark. London Bridge is in the London Borough of Southwark. I managed to stream a news channel on my phone and watched in horror knowing hubby was there and dealing with the aftermath. I couldn't sleep. It was about 2am when I eventually dozed off but I kept waking up and checking my phone. He texted at 4am to say he'd got home. I slept soundly after that and woke up mid-morning.

The Sunday was our wedding anniversary. He came over to the flat. We had champagne, we had a bath together. We had sex. We talked. We went home together.

Running Out of Patience

So, as I confessed in my last blog entry - said post (here) was actually written a good few weeks ago. Such is the nature of my job I don't really have time to stand still (let along write a blog :D ) in May or June.

About a week after I started writing it I broke down, I told him that I didn't care that he didn't see the point or didn't want to - I needed him to see a counsellor. I needed him to do it for me. I was fully expecting a big debate and lots of disagreement but, to my surprise, he just looked at me and said yes, ok. So he started researching counsellors, he's seen one and it didn't work out so has found another he likes the look of. Fingers crossed that one is ok as I know how important it is to find the right person to talk to. Especially about something as delicate as this.

It's like he needs reprogramming. Whenever I mention snogging and fumbling he's not keen, any vague sexual innuendo and he assumes I mean intercourse. He still thinks of sex as purely intercourse resulting in orgasm rather than the smorgasbord of fun it can be. I. Just. Want. To. Get. Laid.

And it appears like he doesn't care. He's in no rush to make an appointment with the new counsellor he's found and he's doing nothing else about it. Nothing. No internet research, not going to the doctor not looking for books or blogs to read. Nothing. There is no urgency to fix this. He is causing me so much pain and he doesn't seem to care. He's just going about his life, as if all is normal, and I just get the feeling he wouldn't care if we never had sex again. Yet he still talks of our future with children in it. That's not just mean, that's cruel. Our entire lives are on hold whilst he tries to sort this out and I can't take it anymore.

Last night* my patience absolutely wore off. I yelled. I cried. I said if this was the other way round I would move heaven and earth to fix things, that the feeling I get when I know he is hurting and it's my fault is the worst feeling in the world. He cried. Said he knew how upset and hurt I was, knew it was all on him but what else could he do??!?! It would seem that his issue is a lack of life skills rather than a lack of compassion. It's like he can't take the pressure of it all and doesn't know what to do rather than he can't be bothered - but nevertheless that is how it looks to me, how it appears to me as I don't know otherwise! I am very very close to resenting him and blaming him for the fact we don't have children - if I do get to that point then there is absolutely no going back from it, and I told him so last night*. This is the only thing stopping us now and I'm 38 for fucks sake, it's not as if I have years of child bearing ahead of me is it?!?!? Where is his urgency to fix this??!

I packed a bag and I walked out. I'm staying on a blow up mattress in my empty flat. I need some space. I'll stay as long as I need to.





*again, not actually last night...... Sorry, this was one night last week. Work getting in the way of blogging again!

As Things Change, So Everything Stays the Same.....

Well. Where are we now?! Another month* has passed since our 'review' date (the conclusion of which you can read about here) and whilst so many things have changed, there is an area which has seen no change at all.

I no longer feel like I am living with a teenager, which is wonderful. The atmosphere at home is nowhere near as bad as it was even six weeks ago and we're both positive about our future. However. We are still, STILL, not having sex. We're not even fooling around. I have made my feelings on this very very clear. Even if we don't end up having children then that burden will be easier to bear if we are in a fulfilled relationship. Which at the moment we are not. I'm climbing the fucking walls.

He refuses to see a counsellor. Says he doesn't see the point. That he'll be fine. I feel like our relationship is in so much better a place than it has been for ages, I am back to wanting a sexual relationship with him. But he is absolutely not interested. He finally confessed the other day that whilst he is definitely still in love with me, he isn't in lust with me and has zero sex drive. How do you change that?! He seems to be of the opinion it will just change over time, without any input or help or anything else. It'll just change. All by itself. Funnily enough I'm unconvinced........

Other things are complicating matters. The flat I own is now empty, it's been redecorated and I've put new carpet in. I've had it valued. It's worth more than I thought it was therefore the logistical thing to do is to sell it and buy a house for us to have a future in. Despite my frustrations we have made great progress since the end of last year. And I don't want that to disappear or even for us to go backwards, and I really think that if we move back to my one bedroom flat then that is what will happen (we have to be out of our rental, where we are currently, this summer). I think we will have a much better chance of a future together in a house. However risky it is to buy with someone I'm not 100% sure I'll be with in a years' time, I believe the risk of not doing it is greater.

So. My flat is on the market. I don't want to sell it, but only in the same way that you don't want to give your favourite jumper to a charity shop even though you know you don't wear it anymore and someone else will get much better use out of it. The only issue is that there really aren't that many houses out there! I know we don't have to start properly looking until my flat is under offer but there are depressingly few options at the moment.

So there you go, that is where we are now. We have made so much progress. We are planning for the future. And yet, still, there is a gap in our relationship. Now what?!


*confession - I wrote this post a month ago so it's slightly out of date. Another update will follow shortly.....

Oh I Do Like to be Beside The Seaside.......

So. A month has passed. And where are we?! Whilst not much happened in the first two weeks after I had my hysterical outburst (details here) the following has happened in the second two weeks:

• On a day off from work (which was a weekday) he spent the day doing stuff for me - sewing on buttons that had fallen off work shirts, he took my car to be cleaned inside and out (which, if you'd seen my car, you'd know is quite a mean feat) as well as fixing the broken wheel trims on it, he glued a piece of my jewellery that had recently broken, investigated hotels for a wedding we've been invited to in July, and took my laptop to two different shops to get quotes to fix it
• When I was compiling the list for our monthly food shop, he asked me to put on the list certain vitamins which he'd learnt from an infertility documentary were good for sperm production and had he'd set himself a reminder to tell me to do so
• After finding out that a friend of mine was pregnant with her fourth child (this friend here, say no more......) he met me at the station with a bunch of flowers
• We had an evening of cheese, wine and my favourite boxset (at my suggestion, but it was a lovely evening)
• When I went away for a day to my old university town, he wasn't working that day but got up before I left for the sole reason of giving me a hug before I left then went back to bed
• He replaced the broken cover on my phone (badly, so he needs to do it again, but that's not the point!)
• He's agreed to see counsellor to talk about our issues; to ensure that there is no repeat and to develop strategies to ensure, as best he can, that it won't happen again. He's not actually found one and made an appointment yet but still, he's agreed to it
• He cooked me dinner one evening, mainly from scratch
• I got in from work one evening and wasn't in the mood to go to our usual exercise class that night as I had a bit of a black cloud hanging over me so he took me out for a long walk instead. We were nosey at houses in some of my favourite local roads and ended up in the local park by the river at sunset

And he says he's planned a day out next week, when I have some time off, incorporating all the things I like - a restaurant I've been going on about trying for at least a year, an exhibition on the South Bank, being by the river and a few other bits and pieces.

For the two weeks after we had our 'mid-term review' (details here) there is also a completely and utterly different atmosphere at home, the tension has just dissipated. I was no longer annoyed with him as he wasn't doing anything, he was no longer annoyed with me as he thought he'd done what I asked him and couldn't understand why I was still grumpy. So at least we're moving forwards. I have said that I don't care how small the steps are I just could not do those horrendous circles anymore. Still a long way to go but things have definitely changed. But last week I had a little black cloud hanging over me, I still didn't feel as if things were 'right'.

Maybe because I knew the end of our month was coming and I was nervous, not knowing how the conversation would go. I was worried we'd hit another wall, that he'd claim he'd done all he can and what more could I expect from him. It didn't help that I was coming to the end of term at work. Whilst I am full time in the role I have in our education system, the end of term is still a relief as there is more pressure during term time. Whilst I was still working during the school holidays it is a far more relaxed environment and so those pressures were all mounting too.

It all hit me the Friday the week before our deadline and therefore the Friday before the last day of term. I'd gone for a few drinks after work with friends, as I usually do, and as I left the pub I had the strongest urge I have ever had to just sleep. Right there and then. On the pavement in Central London. The closest thing I can compare it to is jet lag, that feeling that just overwhelms you and you just have....... to...... SLEEP.

The feeling continued into the following week, the last week of term. I was just exhausted. Absolutely, completely and utterly exhausted. Probably a mix of things actually - the end of term, coming to the end of the academic year itself, the fact we weren't going away (we hadn't booked a holiday for this break for obvious reasons) for the first time since I started this job three years ago and then there's the emotional turmoil of the past few months. I was just done. I had been in bed asleep before 9pm every night that week and it still wasn't enough. Hubby took one look at me as I walked through the door on the Thursday of that week and suggested that we go away for the weekend. I had no brain power to even make the decision so I waited until Saturday morning (the day after the last day of term and the day before deadline day for us) and said I felt as if I could spend the weekend on the sofa in my pjs. Whilst hubby agreed with that sentiment, he said that if I did do that I'd actually spend the weekend doing stuff round the house so wouldn't do nothing - we were going away.

We booked a hotel there and then and got on a train. By lunchtime we were by the seaside. We stopped in a couple of pubs on the way down to the front to watch the football as my team were playing. We checked into our hotel, hubby got us a room upgrade, and we went for a walk down the pier. Sea air and sunshine. Plus we had a Pimms on the pier ☺ I felt so much better. As I have stated before (in this post) I have always found water incredibly therapeutic. It was amazing the difference in me, even by mid-afternoon. After the pier we wandered back into town and had a couple of cocktails before going back to our hotel to change for dinner - which was at one of my absolute favourite restaurants. Hubby had booked a table there Thursday evening when he'd first mooted going away as we know they can get busy, and I'm so glad he did. It was wonderful. We went to another bar for a nightcap and then walked along the seafront.

After breakfast the next day we went and sat on the beach and I just drank it all in. After check out we went for one more wander down there pier before heading to the station to come home. We were back by lunchtime to do some jobs round the house and it genuinely felt like we'd been away for far more than one night. It had felt like a proper holiday, it had only been a weekend but it had been bliss.

We talked that evening. We're both positive. We're not going to continue to review monthly but I have said that the moment I think we stop moving forward I am going to bring it to his attention. He's very close to booking that counselling session I want him to have so we can ensure we don't repeat the mistakes of the past year or so.

Onwards.

Mid Term Review: Spelling It Out

So, dear readers. You'll remember (hopefully) that after I went a bit mental we said we'd give ourselves a month. I said I wanted actions not words. Last night we had what we decided to call a 'mid term review'. This came about as, yet again, it appeared to me that it is too much hassle for hubby to want to save this. Let me give you a flavour of what has been happening -

A week after my bat shit crazy episode (which you can read about here) we decided to go for a drink after work - the idea to do so came from him. Brilliant I thought. He even texted me during the day to remind me to let him know which train home from work I would be on. So I text him as I'm leaving London on the train to be told - "Great, see you in the pub". Huh??! Now, please don't get me wrong, normally I would have absolutely no issue with that whatsoever. But in our incredibly precarious position he is supposed to be showing me that he wants this to work. Plus he would actually have to walk past the station to get to the pub!! So I replied and said that I thought he was going to meet me at the station, he said he would do that instead. I started to explain, as we walked from the station to the pub, that there was a difference between meeting me at the station and meeting me at the pub. His exact words? "I don't see that there is" I tried to elaborate but he got defensive and began to pull, wretch even, his hand out of mine. I clung on to it and the moment passed.

Another thing I have done is spoken to him about us spending some time together. Days out or weekends/days away. It didn't have to be anything spectacular, but I wanted him to initiate it. Again, I need to see actions not words. I need to see that he wants this. In conversation I've mentioned places I'd love to go (nothing overly far flung, just exhibitions and museums and the like) as well as sending him a couple of emails from those websites that like publishing lists of things. You know the ones! The emails I sent him were those ones that listed around 10 places that were "things to do/days out within an hour of London", that kind of thing. Some cost money, some were free. Nothing particularly complicated. All just needed a bit of organisation and a conversation about it.

We had a lovely time in the pub after that initial moment had passed. On the way home I told him that our annual leave chart had come out for the Easter Holidays (I don't teach but I do work in education and so annual leave works slightly differently to how it does elsewhere) and I asked him if I needed to take any time off. The reply? "I don't think so, no". So, no thoughts of having some time together then?

What we are now is flatmates. We have great conversation and similar interests but that's it. And whilst we also have very similar values with regards family, politics, money etc. there is a distinct sense that something is lacking that would make it more than a friendship. We have common goals and values, but he shows ambition at work whilst he doesn't show it at home and in our relationship. Whilst I want to say that we're a blend of two souls I'm not convinced we actually are since we have not flexed and adapted TOGETHER to our world post trying for kids. I'm not sure the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

I also have two fundamental issues that I am really struggling to get over. Firstly, how we spent two years not having sex whilst he went on and on and on about children and how he had to get me pregnant soon. All the while not addressing the issues, or even admitting that there were issues, stopping that from happening. When I finally got tired of it all it still took me six months to persuade him it wasn't right for a marriage to be like this.

Secondly, since we have spoken about separating I have seen not one ounce of fight in him that shows me he wants this. He still says the right things but his actions absolutely tell a different story. What makes this even more horrible, if that were even possible, is that I'm pretty sure he genuinely thinks he is trying. That he's doing everything he can. And I really do believe that he thinks that he is. It's just that in my eyes he's not and I can't keep telling him that as it's just mean. Nor can I keep carrying this relationship when I'm so unhappy. I cannot keep going round in these circles waiting for him to understand what I mean and what I'd like to see in him. In us, in our relationship. I don't think he knows how. I don't think, for whatever reason, he has the tools or is capable of what I'm asking. And I'm tired of the rollercoaster. I can't do it anymore.

He can fight though, I have seem him do it for his family. When his grandfather was in a nursing home during the last years of his life he was mistreated. Hubby couldn't do enough - phone calls and letters to MPs, the local papers, the company that owned the care home. He wouldn't let it go until he had a satisfactory outcome. His mother is registered disabled and cannot work, a couple of times she has had letters saying that she can work and her benefits will be changed. Again, he couldn't have done enough to try and rectify this. His aunt also had issues when she was in a hospice before she died last year, again he fought her corner. He just can't seem to fight for me. He did once however.

When we first got together almost nine years ago we were together for only three weeks before he ended things saying it didn't feel right to him. I knew he was being an idiot but I also knew that he was young and inexperienced with relationships so I let it go. Within 24 hours he had texted me to tell me he'd made a huge mistake. I said to him that I couldn't be strung along, he had to be absolutely sure that if we got back together he wouldn't end things again a few weeks later. So I told him to leave me alone and think, said I wanted two weeks of absolutely no contact so he could get his head together. He ignored that and fought for me - frequently sending me texts telling me he was thinking about me and how wrong he'd been to end things. I caved after ten days and we've been together ever since. But, for whatever reason, fight utterly eludes him now. It seems he doesn't know how to fight for this and would rather lose me than find out.

So, as gut wrenchingly horrifically painful as this is, it was getting to the stage when I thought I had to let him go. I can't keep doing this to either of us. I love him but I want a version of him that I think doesn't, can't, exist. And I cannot put myself through the emotional wringer anymore. There comes a time when I have to say stop, to jump off the bandwagon and let things roll away. I hate that it has come to this.  Absolutely and completely hate it. It hurts. Like you wouldn't believe. But I have to do this. The number of times I have been in floods of guttural tears in the past two weeks has been far too many.

And then last night the topic of our deadline came up. He said I went quiet every time he mentioned it and was worried that it meant I had made my mind up and he clearly can't do all I want him to do. He said he thought it was too hard and that maybe he should just walk away. He said he was scared shitless that in three months time (when the lease on our current place runs out) that he'd be homeless with nowhere to go other than his parents sofa. Again I broke down, of course I don't what this you idiot!! But you have still not done anything. To which he said he'd done everything I'd asked him to. Which isn't strictly true but at the same time he has done a lot of the things I have asked him to. When I have been specific. All I have done about our current situation is say that I need him to give me actions not words. For whatever reason (lack of intellect, lack of relationship experience, immaturity) he doesn't know what those actions are.

So it made me think. He can't show initiative but can do things if I spell them out clearly. If that's just a personality trait he has then I need to change how I'm dealing with the situation. So, I gave him concrete examples of things he could have done by now. Of things he can start to do now. Nothing major, I don't want big romantic gestures, I just want him to show that he's thinking of me - that he is putting me first and that he cares about how I feel. Sticking his head in the sand for two years showed me he didn't care one jot and he just needs to reverse that.

After these discussions I went out to my weekly dance class and whilst I was out he did two things that I have wanted him to do for ages. Things I haven't said explicitly before last night but have waited for him to work out that I want him to do. So maybe this time he finally understands. Maybe this time I will see change. The trouble is I am well aware that I have said those words before. Many many many times. And I absolutely do not want to be one of those women who just keeps going making more and more excuses for staying in the relationship.

This is exhausting and I cannot keep going round in these circles. But what I can do is absolutely spell out what I need and hope that he follows that. That pattern I can cope with. Let's hope that this time genuinely is different. I do not want to keep typing those words. I want this to be the one that does it for us. Otherwise I really am going to have to walk away.

Nothing To Lose: Let's Get Hysterical

Ok. Maybe, just maybe, I spoke a little bit too soon about my other post being my last. I seem to be here again......


I absolutely and completely lost my shit the other night. I was crying so much I was convulsing. I was hysterical. I hate this. I do not want to separate. But I had so many questions - I don't understand and I couldn't carry on like this. If he loves me as he says he does, why is he doing nothing to save this? To show me he wants it? He's doing absolutely nothing. There's no fight in him. At all. And I don't understand it. Why did he not think, for two years, to say something about the lack of sex and the fact he was scared? Why did it take me to spot things and persuade him, really persuade him, that things weren't right?

I have had a stinking cold since Sunday but have had to go into work for reasons I won't bore you with. I lost count of the number of people who said to me on Monday 'are you really sure you should be here?' - I just felt like death. I don't think I've ever felt that bad. I left work as soon as I could on Monday and was at home by 5.30pm, I took my shoes off and just crawled into bed, fully clothed. I slept until 9pm, got up for some food and then went back to bed and slept straight through until well after my alarm had gone off the following morning. Hubby said he'd never seen me so ill - and was wonderful. Truly truly wonderful.

He still cares then. So why, usually, doesn't he show it???!?!? I'm sick to death of the words, why are there no actions?! It feels like he's just coasting and not fighting. I feel like he's given up on us. So I lost it and I told him so. I really went for it. I had nothing to lose and so I really did go absolutely bat-shit crazy.

He said he thought I'd made up my mind and wanted to separate and that was it. I asked him why he isn't trying to make me change my mind then. He said he didn't know how to. It was just easier for him to say we're separating as he thought that was what I wanted. I asked him why there was no fight, why it felt like he'd given up. He said he didn't think my mind could be changed.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's like he doesn't possess the tools to know what to do. Doesn't know where to start. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that he has always always gone for the easy option to have an easy life. Always. Fighting for something clearly does not come naturally. But he has to learn. If he wants to save this, he has to learn. No more words, I need actions. He pretty much admitted to me that telling me he was making the decision to separate was the easy option and that was the one and only reason he'd said it. He wanted the easy way out. I got mad again. Who on earth has ever lost what they truly wanted just because the easy option was not to fight for it???!?

I think he finally gets it. Altho I do realise I've said that before..... I can only hope that this time, finally, it might be different. Hope. I think it's all I've got left. We've become stagnant and he's just got lazier and lazier as he can't be bothered to do anything and/or just doesn't know how to. He said he's going to make changes. I said let's review in a month's time. I need him to stop saying and start doing. Let's see if he actually does that. In a month's time we have both said we will look, assess and see what's changed. If anything. There's also the option to say let's give it another month if things are at least moving in the right direction but aren't quite there yet. If nothing has changed then I can legitimately know he can't change and that there was nothing else I could do.

My sincere apologies to you all for labouring you under the misapprehension that you'd got rid of me :D I might be around for a bit longer after all.......

The Last Post

Well. We're five sessions in now with our counsellor. In my individual session I was very honest about where I thought the issues lay. We then had our first couples session after each of our individual sessions and again, I was honest. I said everything. Everything.

To give hubby a huge amount of credit he just took it. I was incredibly impressed with, ironically, the level maturity in how he dealt with it all. He showed a maturity that I genuinely didn't think he had. I was expecting anger, defensiveness or at the very least for him to sulk for a while. But no. He admitted not liking where we currently lived and therefore 'giving up' on it which is why our home had got into the state it was in. And, after that first session, we had a very good week/ten days. I felt like a weight had lifted and he finally knew where I was coming from.

When we went back to the counsellor the following week however she started pushing things I am not comfortable with. Yes, I felt that after that first session we made good progress and had some real breakthroughs. However, she is pushing something called Sensate Focus which I am absolutely not ready for. If you've not heard of it, it's a technique pioneered by Masters and Johnson which involves 'sensual touching'. I shudder at the thought. As the counsellor mentioned in our first session after our individual ones it feels as if we are in a 'parental and child' relationship - and I hasten to add that they are just names of relationship roles rather than to be taken literally!!! And I still am not sure if we're out of that. Yes, we made some really good progress after that session but I cannot at all focus on fixing the sex until I know there is progress in our relationship - one good week does not cancel out two shitty years.

I just want to take one step at a time and felt like she was going far too fast for me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to go two steps forward then five steps back!!! I said all of this in the session and yet she still pushed it. I know she is a psycho sexual counsellor but surely she should also be relationship counsellor, no?! We need to fix us. Then we can look at sorting our sex life.

There is a part of me that thinks this is all just too much hassle. No, I don't want to walk away with any regrets and I absolutely don't want to throw it away if it can be fixed but should it really be this hard?! And if I'm thinking that, do I want to fix it if I'm not sure I want to put the effort in?! Who knows. It's all just so confusing at the moment.

The good feeling after first week/ten days has definitely worn off. The short term high I felt once that weight had been lifted and everything was out in the open has disappeared and I'm back to being unhappy. I said as much to hubby over the weekend. He decided that I was clearly never going to make the decision so he would. We're separating. We've told our parents and we're looking at alternative accommodation. We've cancelled our next booked session with the counsellor. We'll have to live together in the short term but long term this is it. I've said we'll review in maybe six months' time but I'm not confident. He just seemed resigned to the fact. So there you go.

I'm not sure there's any point blogging any more bearing in mind where we are. This started out as an infertility blog and I'm incredibly grateful to all of you who have read, commented and got in touch with me over the last three years. But I'm not sure what the point of continuing this blog is. It's a wonderful outlet for my feelings and for me to think things through, putting things in writing always seemed to make things so much clearer for me. But I can do that without posting it here and subjecting you lot to it :D

So there we go. Thank you all and goodnight.

Teenagers Scare the Living Sh!t Out of Me

So. I'm angry. And unhappy. And, I realise, I have been for some time. Two years I think, maybe longer. It feels like I've been coasting, sleep walking - and now I've woken up. Why have I put up with this for so long? Why did I not say something sooner? Why did I just carry on month after month after month when nothing had changed until suddenly it's two years later? Just how naive was I?! I don't wish to be hard on myself, I was genuinely convinced we'd be fine. But we are where we are.

We've started marriage counselling. We had a couples session first, we then both had an individual session and we go back for another session together later this week. Sadly, I do believe hubby thinks the only issue is that we're not having sex. Don't get me wrong, that clearly is a big issue, but the fact I've had this going round and round and round my head for over six months now has made me think more about our actual relationship. I feel I have sacrificed far too much of myself for him, I no longer feel like myself. I have started to make changes to rectify this but there is so much work to do and I do wonder if it is too late to make such massive changes in our life. And is he capable of the change I need to see in him?!

I know relationships change and that you change as part of that, but usually for the better - no?! Not to regret the changes you've made? To look at your life and wonder how on earth you let things get to this? I love him but I hate living with him. I feel like I'm living with a teenager. The moods, the laziness, the eating habits, the tiredness, the attitude...... Let me give you an example.

Thursday last week, he was on a rest day after three late shifts. I had used the last of the milk in my cup of tea before I left for work that morning. When he phoned me during the day, as he always does, I asked him to please pop out and get some milk. He said he couldn't be bothered. I hasten to add we live on a high street bang opposite an 'express' type supermarket, a small supermarket and various corner shops. It would have taken him a maximum of five minutes to walk out the house and over the road to buy milk. And yet he couldn't be bothered. So I bought milk on my way home from a long day at work.

Later that same evening, after I'd had a shower, I noticed that his clothes from the previous day were still in a pile on the floor in the back bedroom (he often does this and leaves his pjs out if he gets in after me, I'd do the same if I knew I'd be coming home after he'd gone to bed) - at 7pm. I went downstairs, told him I'd seen the pile of clothes and jokingly said (with a smile!) that he clearly hadn't done anything today. The conversation then went as follows -

Him: If you'd wanted me to do things today you should have left me a list
Me: I shouldn't need to leave you a list
Him: Well. Why don't you just move out now then?!

And then he sulked for the rest of the evening. This is one of many examples of what life is like at home at the moment. He has absolutely NO ability to just just get a grip and get on, to force himself to do anything. To, essentially, be a grown up. He would much rather take the easy option(s) and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. All the time. Now, I am as much a fan of a lazy day every now and again as the next person! But not every single fucking day. All he wants to do on days off is sit on the sofa, in his trackies, playing games on his iPad, watching Netflix and then ordering a takeaway. Like I say. It's like living with a teenager.

Then there's how we live. The mess everywhere. The stuff. I know not all of it is his, really I do, but it is his attitude and my subservience (and so I do know I need to take some of the blame for this) that has let the situation get as bad as it has. Yet, whenever I try and bring something up or have a conversation with him I either get him being defensive and shutting down, he gets angry and sulks or he'll cry and look like a small boy in which case it makes me feel like I'm kicking a kitten and I immediately feel like I need to back down and back track and not say all the things that I want to. Which, again, I know doesn't exactly help matters.

There are days I don't want to go home. I'm angry with him for wearing me down, for it getting to the stage where I can't be bothered to confront him because I don't want the emotional turmoil that follows. I absolutely cannot live like this anymore. Something needs to change. But can it? Is it too late? Does he even want to change or realise that he has to? He still (!) says all the right things - how much he loves me, that I'm his world, he can't see his future with anyone else but me. Which is lovely. BUT. It is still the case that no actions follow, therefore it seems like the words are meaningless. I've heard them all before. Yes, you love me but you would never put yourself out for me. It took me four months (four months!) to convince you that something was wrong with our relationship, that this wasn't a marriage. It took me a further two months to make you realise we couldn't fix the issue ourselves - all the while you were saying how great things were, how wonderful our marriage was, and how things will be fine. Whilst doing absolutely nothing about it.

How horrible is it to love someone but know that, for yourself, you probably need to walk away from the relationship? I genuinely don't know if I want this to work or not. I change my mind daily. I look at my parents, married for over 40 years, and that is what I want. I took vows. I did not plan on going back on them. If I do walk away from this I want it to be with absolutely no regrets. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. I want to give him a chance but I am absolutely scared stiff of doing so, seeing nothing change long term, and being back in exactly the same place in a year's time when I'm a year older and I have fewer options if I still want children. Which I do.

So I'm going to try to go to the counselling session later this week with an open mind and we'll see how we go from there. Not much else I can do at the moment.........

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Soooooooooooo. The festive period. Time to relax, spend time with family and friends and be generally celebratory, no?! No. Time to realise just how unhappy you've been for so long. Time to book marriage counselling. Time, for the first time, to actually think maybe I'm grateful we don't have kids as this would have been so much harder. Or wouldn't have happened at all.

Anyway, let me take you back to before Christmas. My brother kept texting me about meeting up (very unlike him) and asking if we'd booked a counselling session yet. I kept telling him that it would be January due to availability issues so he eventually arranges to come to ours just before Christmas, on a day when I'm home alone as hubby is working. He turns up with both of our parents in tow, neither of which I was expecting, so my defences immediately go up. Especially as, due to the situation between me and hubby, I'm constantly on edge and tearful anyway.

They all walk in and sit down, and he just comes out with it. My sister-in-law is pregnant. Again. They already have two (my reaction to the news of their second is documented here). She's on the pill and it was their first 'fumble' in six months. They're clearly just ridiculously fertile. Oh the irony. He knew my current state of mind and so brought my parents along as back up in case I fell apart. Which I didn't overly to be fair, it isn't exactly easy on them either. They had always said they didn't want a third. Absolutely all the baby stuff (cot, buggy, clothes, toys) has been sold and they will need a bigger car having only bought a new one six months ago. They may also need a bigger house. It wasn't planned, but at the same time it's not one of those that weren't trying but wouldn't have minded if it happened. If that makes sense?! It genuinely wasn't planned. At all.

Still, a new niece or nephew will be lovely :) I tell hubby when he gets home and he's thrilled. I then find out a few days later that my cousin is pregnant with her second. Lovely lovely news but it still stings you know, the pregnancy announcements. It just reminds me of how we've failed. And how our marriage is failing. Hubby doesn't get it. He's thrilled for them all. As am I, really! Honest. But it is still upsetting. Weird conundrum I know but there you have it, that's how I feel. He actually said to me tho that he didn't understand why I still got upset at these announcements as it wasn't as if we were trying any more, was it?

Excuse me??????!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!

No, we're not trying any more. But do you know why, dear husband?!? BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX. No other fucking reason. And you have the audacity to not understand why I'm still upset?! Or at the very least taking the announcements badly at initial hearing of them?! It has taken you six months to realise that we had a problem and a further two months for me to convince you it's a problem we can't solve ourselves.

I'm angry. And it leads me to think further about our marriage..............



To be continued.