Wednesday, 9 August 2017

One Weekend in June

Well hello there. Welcome back. Yes yes it's been a while, but life has a habit of getting in the way of blogging I'm afraid. And it is one of those things that the longer you leave it, the harder it is to get back into it. Especially when you have so much to say. There is every chance, therefore, that this will turn into a two-parter. Rather that I think than bore you all with one massive essay in one go!

So, where were we?! I moved back into my flat one midweek night at the very end of May. And I genuinely thought I'd stay there for a while. It was lovely to be back there, I liked being by myself. It reminded me that, should anything happen between me and hubby, I would be absolutely fine by myself. I had very little contact with him and I felt free.

But then two events changed things slightly. Firstly, that weekend after I'd moved out was our wedding anniversary. And no matter my anger towards hubby it was something I wanted to celebrate. I'd left that night as I'd got so frustrated by him, his apparent lack of care and urgency for our situation. Turns out he just didn't know what else to do rather than he couldn't be bothered. I still left as I had got myself so wound up I needed some space. But I was fairly sure that I would only stay a few nights and that I would go back. Especially as it was our wedding anniversary and I had made it painfully clear how I felt, and he had understood.

The second event was more serious. On the Saturday evening I'd just got back to my flat and I got a text from hubby to say that he was fine but would be home late. To which I thought 'so?!', it wasn't as if he was coming back to the place I was staying so I just ignored it. Then, a little bit later, he phoned and I missed the call as I was in a different room to my phone. He called again straight away and this time I answered it, he wanted to know where I was. Wanted to make sure I hadn't spontaneously decided to come into central London as I am wont to do. Something in his voice made me not like the conversation, the noise in the background didn't sound right either. I told him I was fine, that I was at the flat, I hadn't gone anywhere. He said things were kicking off, he had to go and that I should check the news soon.

Hubby is a Metropolitan Police officer. His borough is Southwark. London Bridge is in the London Borough of Southwark. I managed to stream a news channel on my phone and watched in horror knowing hubby was there and dealing with the aftermath. I couldn't sleep. It was about 2am when I eventually dozed off but I kept waking up and checking my phone. He texted at 4am to say he'd got home. I slept soundly after that and woke up mid-morning.

The Sunday was our wedding anniversary. He came over to the flat. We had champagne, we had a bath together. We had sex. We talked. We went home together.


Monday, 5 June 2017

Running Out of Patience

So, as I confessed in my last blog entry - said post (here) was actually written a good few weeks ago. Such is the nature of my job I don't really have time to stand still (let along write a blog :D ) in May or June.

About a week after I started writing it I broke down, I told him that I didn't care that he didn't see the point or didn't want to - I needed him to see a counsellor. I needed him to do it for me. I was fully expecting a big debate and lots of disagreement but, to my surprise, he just looked at me and said yes, ok. So he started researching counsellors, he's seen one and it didn't work out so has found another he likes the look of. Fingers crossed that one is ok as I know how important it is to find the right person to talk to. Especially about something as delicate as this.

It's like he needs reprogramming. Whenever I mention snogging and fumbling he's not keen, any vague sexual innuendo and he assumes I mean intercourse. He still thinks of sex as purely intercourse resulting in orgasm rather than the smorgasbord of fun it can be. I. Just. Want. To. Get. Laid.

And it appears like he doesn't care. He's in no rush to make an appointment with the new counsellor he's found and he's doing nothing else about it. Nothing. No internet research, not going to the doctor not looking for books or blogs to read. Nothing. There is no urgency to fix this. He is causing me so much pain and he doesn't seem to care. He's just going about his life, as if all is normal, and I just get the feeling he wouldn't care if we never had sex again. Yet he still talks of our future with children in it. That's not just mean, that's cruel. Our entire lives are on hold whilst he tries to sort this out and I can't take it anymore.

Last night* my patience absolutely wore off. I yelled. I cried. I said if this was the other way round I would move heaven and earth to fix things, that the feeling I get when I know he is hurting and it's my fault is the worst feeling in the world. He cried. Said he knew how upset and hurt I was, knew it was all on him but what else could he do??!?! It would seem that his issue is a lack of life skills rather than a lack of compassion. It's like he can't take the pressure of it all and doesn't know what to do rather than he can't be bothered - but nevertheless that is how it looks to me, how it appears to me as I don't know otherwise! I am very very close to resenting him and blaming him for the fact we don't have children - if I do get to that point then there is absolutely no going back from it, and I told him so last night*. This is the only thing stopping us now and I'm 38 for fucks sake, it's not as if I have years of child bearing ahead of me is it?!?!? Where is his urgency to fix this??!

I packed a bag and I walked out. I'm staying on a blow up mattress in my empty flat. I need some space. I'll stay as long as I need to.





*again, not actually last night...... Sorry, this was one night last week. Work getting in the way of blogging again!

Thursday, 1 June 2017

As Things Change, So Everything Stays the Same.....

Well. Where are we now?! Another month* has passed since our 'review' date (the conclusion of which you can read about here) and whilst so many things have changed, there is an area which has seen no change at all.

I no longer feel like I am living with a teenager, which is wonderful. The atmosphere at home is nowhere near as bad as it was even six weeks ago and we're both positive about our future. However. We are still, STILL, not having sex. We're not even fooling around. I have made my feelings on this very very clear. Even if we don't end up having children then that burden will be easier to bear if we are in a fulfilled relationship. Which at the moment we are not. I'm climbing the fucking walls.

He refuses to see a counsellor. Says he doesn't see the point. That he'll be fine. I feel like our relationship is in so much better a place than it has been for ages, I am back to wanting a sexual relationship with him. But he is absolutely not interested. He finally confessed the other day that whilst he is definitely still in love with me, he isn't in lust with me and has zero sex drive. How do you change that?! He seems to be of the opinion it will just change over time, without any input or help or anything else. It'll just change. All by itself. Funnily enough I'm unconvinced........

Other things are complicating matters. The flat I own is now empty, it's been redecorated and I've put new carpet in. I've had it valued. It's worth more than I thought it was therefore the logistical thing to do is to sell it and buy a house for us to have a future in. Despite my frustrations we have made great progress since the end of last year. And I don't want that to disappear or even for us to go backwards, and I really think that if we move back to my one bedroom flat then that is what will happen (we have to be out of our rental, where we are currently, this summer). I think we will have a much better chance of a future together in a house. However risky it is to buy with someone I'm not 100% sure I'll be with in a years' time, I believe the risk of not doing it is greater.

So. My flat is on the market. I don't want to sell it, but only in the same way that you don't want to give your favourite jumper to a charity shop even though you know you don't wear it anymore and someone else will get much better use out of it. The only issue is that there really aren't that many houses out there! I know we don't have to start properly looking until my flat is under offer but there are depressingly few options at the moment.

So there you go, that is where we are now. We have made so much progress. We are planning for the future. And yet, still, there is a gap in our relationship. Now what?!


*confession - I wrote this post a month ago so it's slightly out of date. Another update will follow shortly.....

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

Oh I Do Like to be Beside The Seaside.......

So. A month has passed. And where are we?! Whilst not much happened in the first two weeks after I had my hysterical outburst (details here) the following has happened in the second two weeks:

  • On a day off from work (which was a weekday) he spent the day doing stuff for me - sewing on buttons that had fallen off work shirts, he took my car to be cleaned inside and out (which, if you'd seen my car, you'd know is quite a mean feat) as well as fixing the broken wheel trims on it, he glued a piece of my jewellery that had recently broken, investigated hotels for a wedding we've been invited to in July, and took my laptop to two different shops to get quotes to fix it
  • When I was compiling the list for our monthly food shop, he asked me to put on the list certain vitamins which he'd learnt from an infertility documentary were good for sperm production and had he'd set himself a reminder to tell me to do so
  • After finding out that a friend of mine was pregnant with her fourth child (this friend here, say no more......) he met me at the station with a bunch of flowers
  • We had an evening of cheese, wine and my favourite boxset (at my suggestion, but it was a lovely evening)
  • When I went away for a day to my old university town, he wasn't working that day but got up before I left for the sole reason of giving me a hug before I left then went back to bed
  • He replaced the broken cover on my phone (badly, so he needs to do it again, but that's not the point!)
  • He's agreed to see counsellor to talk about our issues; to ensure that there is no repeat and to develop strategies to ensure, as best he can, that it won't happen again. He's not actually found one and made an appointment yet but still, he's agreed to it
  • He cooked me dinner one evening, mainly from scratch
  • I got in from work one evening and wasn't in the mood to go to our usual exercise class that night as I had a bit of a black cloud hanging over me so he took me out for a long walk instead. We were nosey at houses in some of my favourite local roads and ended up in the local park by the river at sunset

And he says he's planned a day out next week, when I have some time off, incorporating all the things I like - a restaurant I've been going on about trying for at least a year, an exhibition on the South Bank, being by the river and a few other bits and pieces.

For the two weeks after we had our 'mid-term review' (details here) there is also a completely and utterly different atmosphere at home, the tension has just dissipated. I was no longer annoyed with him as he wasn't doing anything, he was no longer annoyed with me as he thought he'd done what I asked him and couldn't understand why I was still grumpy. So at least we're moving forwards. I have said that I don't care how small the steps are I just could not do those horrendous circles anymore. Still a long way to go but things have definitely changed. But last week I had a little black cloud hanging over me, I still didn't feel as if things were 'right'.

Maybe because I knew the end of our month was coming and I was nervous, not knowing how the conversation would go. I was worried we'd hit another wall, that he'd claim he'd done all he can and what more could I expect from him. It didn't help that I was coming to the end of term at work. Whilst I am full time in the role I have in our education system, the end of term is still a relief as there is more pressure during term time. Whilst I was still working during the school holidays it is a far more relaxed environment and so those pressures were all mounting too.

It all hit me the Friday the week before our deadline and therefore the Friday before the last day of term. I'd gone for a few drinks after work with friends, as I usually do, and as I left the pub I had the strongest urge I have ever had to just sleep. Right there and then. On the pavement in Central London. The closest thing I can compare it to is jet lag, that feeling that just overwhelms you and you just have....... to...... SLEEP.

The feeling continued into the following week, the last week of term. I was just exhausted. Absolutely, completely and utterly exhausted. Probably a mix of things actually - the end of term, coming to the end of the academic year itself, the fact we weren't going away (we hadn't booked a holiday for this break for obvious reasons) for the first time since I started this job three years ago and then there's the emotional turmoil of the past few months. I was just done. I had been in bed asleep before 9pm every night that week and it still wasn't enough. Hubby took one look at me as I walked through the door on the Thursday of that week and suggested that we go away for the weekend. I had no brain power to even make the decision so I waited until Saturday morning (the day after the last day of term and the day before deadline day for us) and said I felt as if I could spend the weekend on the sofa in my pjs. Whilst hubby agreed with that sentiment, he said that if I did do that I'd actually spend the weekend doing stuff round the house so wouldn't do nothing - we were going away.

We booked a hotel there and then and got on a train. By lunchtime we were by the seaside. We stopped in a couple of pubs on the way down to the front to watch the football as my team were playing. We checked into our hotel, hubby got us a room upgrade, and we went for a walk down the pier. Sea air and sunshine. Plus we had a Pimms on the pier ☺ I felt so much better. As I have stated before (in this post) I have always found water incredibly therapeutic. It was amazing the difference in me, even by mid-afternoon. After the pier we wandered back into town and had a couple of cocktails before going back to our hotel to change for dinner - which was at one of my absolute favourite restaurants. Hubby had booked a table there Thursday evening when he'd first mooted going away as we know they can get busy, and I'm so glad he did. It was wonderful. We went to another bar for a nightcap and then walked along the seafront.

After breakfast the next day we went and sat on the beach and I just drank it all in. After check out we went for one more wander down there pier before heading to the station to come home. We were back by lunchtime to do some jobs round the house and it genuinely felt like we'd been away for far more than one night. It had felt like a proper holiday, it had only been a weekend but it had been bliss.

We talked that evening. We're both positive. We're not going to continue to review monthly but I have said that the moment I think we stop moving forward I am going to bring it to his attention. He's very close to booking that counselling session I want him to have so we can ensure we don't repeat the mistakes of the past year or so.

Onwards.






Friday, 17 March 2017

Mid Term Review: Spelling It Out

So, dear readers. You'll remember (hopefully) that after I went a bit mental we said we'd give ourselves a month. I said I wanted actions not words. Last night we had what we decided to call a 'mid term review'. This came about as, yet again, it appeared to me that it is too much hassle for hubby to want to save this. Let me give you a flavour of what has been happening -

A week after my bat shit crazy episode (which you can read about here) we decided to go for a drink after work - the idea to do so came from him. Brilliant I thought. He even texted me during the day to remind me to let him know which train home from work I would be on. So I text him as I'm leaving London on the train to be told - "Great, see you in the pub". Huh??! Now, please don't get me wrong, normally I would have absolutely no issue with that whatsoever. But in our incredibly precarious position he is supposed to be showing me that he wants this to work. Plus he would actually have to walk past the station to get to the pub!! So I replied and said that I thought he was going to meet me at the station, he said he would do that instead. I started to explain, as we walked from the station to the pub, that there was a difference between meeting me at the station and meeting me at the pub. His exact words? "I don't see that there is" I tried to elaborate but he got defensive and began to pull, wretch even, his hand out of mine. I clung on to it and the moment passed.

Another thing I have done is spoken to him about us spending some time together. Days out or weekends/days away. It didn't have to be anything spectacular, but I wanted him to initiate it. Again, I need to see actions not words. I need to see that he wants this. In conversation I've mentioned places I'd love to go (nothing overly far flung, just exhibitions and museums and the like) as well as sending him a couple of emails from those websites that like publishing lists of things. You know the ones! The emails I sent him were those ones that listed around 10 places that were "things to do/days out within an hour of London", that kind of thing. Some cost money, some were free. Nothing particularly complicated. All just needed a bit of organisation and a conversation about it.

We had a lovely time in the pub after that initial moment had passed. On the way home I told him that our annual leave chart had come out for the Easter Holidays (I don't teach but I do work in education and so annual leave works slightly differently to how it does elsewhere) and I asked him if I needed to take any time off. The reply? "I don't think so, no". So, no thoughts of having some time together then?

What we are now is flatmates. We have great conversation and similar interests but that's it. And whilst we also have very similar values with regards family, politics, money etc. there is a distinct sense that something is lacking that would make it more than a friendship. We have common goals and values, but he shows ambition at work whilst he doesn't show it at home and in our relationship. Whilst I want to say that we're a blend of two souls I'm not convinced we actually are since we have not flexed and adapted TOGETHER to our world post trying for kids. I'm not sure the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

I also have two fundamental issues that I am really struggling to get over. Firstly, how we spent two years not having sex whilst he went on and on and on about children and how he had to get me pregnant soon. All the while not addressing the issues, or even admitting that there were issues, stopping that from happening. When I finally got tired of it all it still took me six months to persuade him it wasn't right for a marriage to be like this.

Secondly, since we have spoken about separating I have seen not one ounce of fight in him that shows me he wants this. He still says the right things but his actions absolutely tell a different story. What makes this even more horrible, if that were even possible, is that I'm pretty sure he genuinely thinks he is trying. That he's doing everything he can. And I really do believe that he thinks that he is. It's just that in my eyes he's not and I can't keep telling him that as it's just mean. Nor can I keep carrying this relationship when I'm so unhappy. I cannot keep going round in these circles waiting for him to understand what I mean and what I'd like to see in him. In us, in our relationship. I don't think he knows how. I don't think, for whatever reason, he has the tools or is capable of what I'm asking. And I'm tired of the rollercoaster. I can't do it anymore.

He can fight though, I have seem him do it for his family. When his grandfather was in a nursing home during the last years of his life he was mistreated. Hubby couldn't do enough - phone calls and letters to MPs, the local papers, the company that owned the care home. He wouldn't let it go until he had a satisfactory outcome. His mother is registered disabled and cannot work, a couple of times she has had letters saying that she can work and her benefits will be changed. Again, he couldn't have done enough to try and rectify this. His aunt also had issues when she was in a hospice before she died last year, again he fought her corner. He just can't seem to fight for me. He did once however.

When we first got together almost nine years ago we were together for only three weeks before he ended things saying it didn't feel right to him. I knew he was being an idiot but I also knew that he was young and inexperienced with relationships so I let it go. Within 24 hours he had texted me to tell me he'd made a huge mistake. I said to him that I couldn't be strung along, he had to be absolutely sure that if we got back together he wouldn't end things again a few weeks later. So I told him to leave me alone and think, said I wanted two weeks of absolutely no contact so he could get his head together. He ignored that and fought for me - frequently sending me texts telling me he was thinking about me and how wrong he'd been to end things. I caved after ten days and we've been together ever since. But, for whatever reason, fight utterly eludes him now. It seems he doesn't know how to fight for this and would rather lose me than find out.

So, as gut wrenchingly horrifically painful as this is, it was getting to the stage when I thought I had to let him go. I can't keep doing this to either of us. I love him but I want a version of him that I think doesn't, can't, exist. And I cannot put myself through the emotional wringer anymore. There comes a time when I have to say stop, to jump off the bandwagon and let things roll away. I hate that it has come to this.  Absolutely and completely hate it. It hurts. Like you wouldn't believe. But I have to do this. The number of times I have been in floods of guttural tears in the past two weeks has been far too many.

And then last night the topic of our deadline came up. He said I went quiet every time he mentioned it and was worried that it meant I had made my mind up and he clearly can't do all I want him to do. He said he thought it was too hard and that maybe he should just walk away. He said he was scared shitless that in three months time (when the lease on our current place runs out) that he'd be homeless with nowhere to go other than his parents sofa. Again I broke down, of course I don't what this you idiot!! But you have still not done anything. To which he said he'd done everything I'd asked him to. Which isn't strictly true but at the same time he has done a lot of the things I have asked him to. When I have been specific. All I have done about our current situation is say that I need him to give me actions not words. For whatever reason (lack of intellect, lack of relationship experience, immaturity) he doesn't know what those actions are.

So it made me think. He can't show initiative but can do things if I spell them out clearly. If that's just a personality trait he has then I need to change how I'm dealing with the situation. So, I gave him concrete examples of things he could have done by now. Of things he can start to do now. Nothing major, I don't want big romantic gestures, I just want him to show that he's thinking of me - that he is putting me first and that he cares about how I feel. Sticking his head in the sand for two years showed me he didn't care one jot and he just needs to reverse that.

After these discussions I went out to my weekly dance class and whilst I was out he did two things that I have wanted him to do for ages. Things I haven't said explicitly before last night but have waited for him to work out that I want him to do. So maybe this time he finally understands. Maybe this time I will see change. The trouble is I am well aware that I have said those words before. Many many many times. And I absolutely do not want to be one of those women who just keeps going making more and more excuses for staying in the relationship.

This is exhausting and I cannot keep going round in these circles. But what I can do is absolutely spell out what I need and hope that he follows that. That pattern I can cope with. Let's hope that this time genuinely is different. I do not want to keep typing those words. I want this to be the one that does it for us. Otherwise I really am going to have to walk away.



Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Nothing To Lose: Let's Get Hysterical

Ok. Maybe, just maybe, I spoke a little bit too soon about my other post being my last. I seem to be here again......


I absolutely and completely lost my shit the other night. I was crying so much I was convulsing. I was hysterical. I hate this. I do not want to separate. But I had so many questions - I don't understand and I couldn't carry on like this. If he loves me as he says he does, why is he doing nothing to save this? To show me he wants it? He's doing absolutely nothing. There's no fight in him. At all. And I don't understand it. Why did he not think, for two years, to say something about the lack of sex and the fact he was scared? Why did it take me to spot things and persuade him, really persuade him, that things weren't right?

I have had a stinking cold since Sunday but have had to go into work for reasons I won't bore you with. I lost count of the number of people who said to me on Monday 'are you really sure you should be here?' - I just felt like death. I don't think I've ever felt that bad. I left work as soon as I could on Monday and was at home by 5.30pm, I took my shoes off and just crawled into bed, fully clothed. I slept until 9pm, got up for some food and then went back to bed and slept straight through until well after my alarm had gone off the following morning. Hubby said he'd never seen me so ill - and was wonderful. Truly truly wonderful.

He still cares then. So why, usually, doesn't he show it???!?!? I'm sick to death of the words, why are there no actions?! It feels like he's just coasting and not fighting. I feel like he's given up on us. So I lost it and I told him so. I really went for it. I had nothing to lose and so I really did go absolutely bat-shit crazy.

He said he thought I'd made up my mind and wanted to separate and that was it. I asked him why he isn't trying to make me change my mind then. He said he didn't know how to. It was just easier for him to say we're separating as he thought that was what I wanted. I asked him why there was no fight, why it felt like he'd given up. He said he didn't think my mind could be changed.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's like he doesn't possess the tools to know what to do. Doesn't know where to start. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that he has always always gone for the easy option to have an easy life. Always. Fighting for something clearly does not come naturally. But he has to learn. If he wants to save this, he has to learn. No more words, I need actions. He pretty much admitted to me that telling me he was making the decision to separate was the easy option and that was the one and only reason he'd said it. He wanted the easy way out. I got mad again. Who on earth has ever lost what they truly wanted just because the easy option was not to fight for it???!?

I think he finally gets it. Altho I do realise I've said that before..... I can only hope that this time, finally, it might be different. Hope. I think it's all I've got left. We've become stagnant and he's just got lazier and lazier as he can't be bothered to do anything and/or just doesn't know how to. He said he's going to make changes. I said let's review in a month's time. I need him to stop saying and start doing. Let's see if he actually does that. In a month's time we have both said we will look, assess and see what's changed. If anything. There's also the option to say let's give it another month if things are at least moving in the right direction but aren't quite there yet. If nothing has changed then I can legitimately know he can't change and that there was nothing else I could do.

My sincere apologies to you all for labouring you under the misapprehension that you'd got rid of me :D I might be around for a bit longer after all.......






Wednesday, 1 March 2017

The Last Post

Well. We're five sessions in now with our counsellor. In my individual session I was very honest about where I thought the issues lay. We then had our first couples session after each of our individual sessions and again, I was honest. I said everything. Everything.

To give hubby a huge amount of credit he just took it. I was incredibly impressed with, ironically, the level maturity in how he dealt with it all. He showed a maturity that I genuinely didn't think he had. I was expecting anger, defensiveness or at the very least for him to sulk for a while. But no. He admitted not liking where we currently lived and therefore 'giving up' on it which is why our home had got into the state it was in. And, after that first session, we had a very good week/ten days. I felt like a weight had lifted and he finally knew where I was coming from.

When we went back to the counsellor the following week however she started pushing things I am not comfortable with. Yes, I felt that after that first session we made good progress and had some real breakthroughs. However, she is pushing something called Sensate Focus which I am absolutely not ready for. If you've not heard of it, it's a technique pioneered by Masters and Johnson which involves 'sensual touching'. I shudder at the thought. As the counsellor mentioned in our first session after our individual ones it feels as if we are in a 'parental and child' relationship - and I hasten to add that they are just names of relationship roles rather than to be taken literally!!! And I still am not sure if we're out of that. Yes, we made some really good progress after that session but I cannot at all focus on fixing the sex until I know there is progress in our relationship - one good week does not cancel out two shitty years.

I just want to take one step at a time and felt like she was going far too fast for me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to go two steps forward then five steps back!!! I said all of this in the session and yet she still pushed it. I know she is a psycho sexual counsellor but surely she should also be relationship counsellor, no?! We need to fix us. Then we can look at sorting our sex life.

There is a part of me that thinks this is all just too much hassle. No, I don't want to walk away with any regrets and I absolutely don't want to throw it away if it can be fixed but should it really be this hard?! And if I'm thinking that, do I want to fix it if I'm not sure I want to put the effort in?! Who knows. It's all just so confusing at the moment.

The good feeling after first week/ten days has definitely worn off. The short term high I felt once that weight had been lifted and everything was out in the open has disappeared and I'm back to being unhappy. I said as much to hubby over the weekend. He decided that I was clearly never going to make the decision so he would. We're separating. We've told our parents and we're looking at alternative accommodation. We've cancelled our next booked session with the counsellor. We'll have to live together in the short term but long term this is it. I've said we'll review in maybe six months' time but I'm not confident. He just seemed resigned to the fact. So there you go.

I'm not sure there's any point blogging any more bearing in mind where we are. This started out as an infertility blog and I'm incredibly grateful to all of you who have read, commented and got in touch with me over the last three years. But I'm not sure what the point of continuing this blog is. It's a wonderful outlet for my feelings and for me to think things through, putting things in writing always seemed to make things so much clearer for me. But I can do that without posting it here and subjecting you lot to it :D

So there we go. Thank you all and goodnight.