Even now I don't think I'm over the events of September last year (here, if you missed it), but because of how we'd been treated I had niggling doubts about whether our clinic had done anything wrong. I'm sure to be able to offer all these treatments there are regulations that need to be followed, but I couldn't shake the feeling - what if there had been mistreatment of our embryos? What if they'd given me different meds, would that have given us a different outcome? Had it actually been something that they had done that had meant our little frosty hadn't survived the thaw?
So, in December, we went for a second opinion. A specialist OBGYN was recommended to me by someone I trusted and we booked at appointment. She was lovely, went through everything, our entire history. Whilst she didn't conduct any further investigations, she went through everything with a fine toothcomb and explained things much more clearly than our clinic ever did. And she came to the same conclusion that we had eventually come to - we just don't make a human being, the combination of our DNA doesn't make cells that will develop into any form of life. Hubby's boys are all fine, my AMH levels and the reports from egg collection etc. don't indicate any issues with me. The two just don't mix, it's that simple.
Whilst it's a relief and somewhat freeing to know that there is nothing that can be done, it's no one's fault and it's just a quirk of fate, it is also beyond frustrating. It's just one of those things and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. But it has at least lifted a weight off my shoulders, for so long I was convinced it was something we'd done - why wasn't anything working? The IVF, the home insemination, all the vitamins and diets and everything else that had worked for everyone else. It must be my fault.
But it's not. It has nothing to do with the fact I have psoriasis at the top of my legs and can scratch the skin around my genitals until it bleeds - frequently having to cover everything (!) in sudocrem to treat it. It also has nothing to do with what I've washed my bits with over the years, the fact I had an eating disorder and abused alcohol and cigarettes in my 20s, it's nothing to do with the fact that I've had two mental breakdowns, the extra weight I'm carrying, the daily air pollution due to my work commute, my increasingly worse food intake or anything else. All those things at the back of your mind that you think - should I have done something differently? It also has nothing to do with hubby's two suicide attempts in his 20s, the fact that, technically, he shouldn't be here and the universe is punishing us.
Suddenly it all makes sense, all those times my period was so late, even if his sperm had penetrated my egg and cells had started dividing my body would have rejected it. None of it worked and now I know it was never going to. It really is quite a thing to get your head around but at least we know now. We just need to move forward, although I'm genuinely not sure how to. Even now it just doesn't seem fair, it doesn't make any sense. And yes yes yes I know life isn't fair - but after the past few years I am well aware of that lesson. I really don't need to be taught it anymore. I don't know how to say this without sounding petty - but is there any chance we could please just be given a break?!? This is not the life I thought I'd be living, this is not the life I want to live. And I just can't get my head round it.
"Because here’s the thing about life: There's no accounting for what fate will deal you"
Joe Biden, inaugural presidential address 20th Jan 2021
