Aloha.
So, the conversation with hubby finally happened last night. The one I've been thinking about but too scared to actually say the words out loud. Do we really want to carry on down this road?
Yes, we want children. We have never made a secret of that and we still do. But at what price? No, we haven't had miscarriage after miscarriage or many failed IVF treatments. Nevertheless though this process has taken it's toll on me and on us. Something I've not mentioned on here before is that in 2013 I had a mental breakdown. I was signed off work for almost four months and didn't fully recover until mid 2014. Part of this was down to where I was working at the time but part of it was down to all of the infertility tests and hospital visits that we were going through at the time - in secret. That was an enormous burden to bear.
I know there are those of you that are reading this that have had a far more arduous journey than we have, but everyone has their breaking point. Please don't judge me if mine is nowhere near yours. We are incredibly happy, we are so in love. But our sex life has suffered. And that's a kinda important thing to be healthy if you're trying to conceive.....
We love our life, so would it really be so bad if it just ended up being the two of us? Last night we all but ruled out IVF. Part of me feels like I should try one cycle just to say we tried it but, as much as my mum has offered to pay for it, I am genuinely not sure I could go through with it. I did not cope well with the infertility tests. How would I cope with even more invasive treatments for a baby that I am now not so sure that I want? Which is an absurd thing to say. And incredibly scary to actually put in writing. For the past three years I have wanted nothing more than children. But has the window now closed? Has the opportunity passed us by? Have we now reached the point when we tried, it didn't work, and so we graciously accept defeat? Which doesn't mean, by the way, that (whenever we do start having sex again....) we're going to start using contraception. Ha! Hell no. But we need to repair the part of our relationship that infertility has broken before we can contemplate anything further.
Adoption is something we are both incredibly open to, but not until quite a bit further into the future I think. We'd still very much like to give conceiving naturally a proper go first, and if I'm honest we haven't really done that. If we can get our sex life back to where it was before we started trying to have children then maybe we do stand half a chance. But that has to be our priority first, we have been stripped of the joy of making love. It is now seen as a chore, neither of us enjoy it. Neither of us actually want to do it, the memories of before are still too raw. Too painful. It's a means to an end which we never got to, rather than something we enjoy.
The only upside to all of this is that our relationship is so much stronger. Whilst I was signed off from work hubby was my rock, he was an absolute star and I know for a fact that I would not have come out the otherside without him. I saw a counsellor who was also hugely talented and really helpful, but it was hubby who dealt with the day-to-day breakdowns. The complications, the outbursts and the irrational emotions that just consumed me. He held me, stood by me and didn't try to understand. He was just there.
I don't want to go through that again, I don't want to put him through that again. Nevertheless our marriage has proven itself to be rock solid and for that I am eternally grateful. I was so nervous about having that conversation with him, he has always been so much more vocal than me about wanting children. He frequently mentions that it's about time he got me pregnant - but interestingly that was all words. The actions required to get me pregnant never followed. And so I was incredibly relieved when I discovered we were both on the same page.
And so the black cloud has been lifted, the weight that I've been carrying on my shoulders for these past few weeks has evaporated. We know where we stand. We know what we want. Let's try and fix what has been so badly broken, and then see where we go from there.
