No idea why, but feeling incredibly tearful today. I feel low, with no particular reason, other than things just don't seem to be going to plan. I'm not fulfilled at work at the moment either, which I imagine isn't helping, and I want to apply for other roles. Outside the company ideally, I've been with the same firm for about seven years now in various different roles and I can't help thinking it's time for a change. There's only one issue - the maternity package that my company offers is absurdly good. I'd be daft to walk away from that and into a new job where, if I'm lucky, I'd just get statutory.
Trouble is, obviously, I have no idea if/when I'll get pregnant.... And hubby's argument is that I should be happy, so sod the maternity package and find another job. I'm lucky in that the segment I work in does have vacancies, although there's obviously no guarantee I'd be successful in getting one of them. I do see his point, I really do, and I've seen a couple of jobs that I'm tempted to apply for anyway just for the hell of it. Whether that's fair on those employers advertising those positions is of course a whole different argument altogether! The last thing I want I guess is to get a new job, find out I'm pregnant, and then regret that new job because we'd then have to struggle with the package I was on - hubby sadly doesn't earn much, so there's never been any point in having that kind of discussion. I would always have to go back to work, and more than likely full time, with hubby going part-time or quitting work to take over childcare. It just makes sense with the jobs we both have.
So I think that might be what's getting me down today, I've seen a couple of jobs I want to apply for. Ones that would, I think, make me happier and I'd actually enjoy. But I don't think I should apply for them. The future just seems on hold. Until I know what's happening with 'things' I don't know whether I should just get my head down and stay where I am because of the package they offer, or whether things aren't going to happen for ages. In which case sod it - I want that new job.
Ho hum. Still, it's Friday and the weekend starts in a few hours time.....
Take care folks xx
Friday 11 October 2013
Wednesday 9 October 2013
The HSG and beyond......
Apologies to not update this sooner! It's been quite a couple of weeks....
So, I finally had the HSG last week. I imagine, if all goes to plan, the procedure is uncomfortable but not too traumatic. For those that don't know what is supposed to happen is slightly similar to a smear, in that a speculum is inserted to start off with. Then a tube is passed through the cervix, dye inserted, and an X-Ray taken. This is supposed to show if there are any blockages in the fallopian tubes. Before the procedure, the literature I was given had said that I might have some mild cramping when the dye is inserted so if I wanted to I could take my 'regular menstrual medication' an hour beforehand if I wanted to.
Well. It didn't exactly go to plan. Hubby came with me, which was great, not sure I could have done it on my own. I'd initially wanted him to come into the room with me, but by the time we got to the hospital I was undecided. I was told to wait in the corridor, which I did, and then an elderly nurse came over and instructed me to change. This was the first thing that was unsettling. I thought, being similar to a smear, I'd go in fully clothed and just taken off my jeans and knickers when I got in there. Clearly not. Everything off except bra and shoes, and on instead went a very lovely hospital gown. I sat down to wait again, feeling ever so slightly self conscious! When I was called in I decided I wanted to do this on my own, a brave face is harder to put on if you have loved ones around I've found, so hubby waited back in the corridor.
In I went. A bit of a questionnaire first: had I started the course of antibiotics (they give you seven days worth to prevent infection - and yes I had), had I refrained from intercourse since my period had started (yes, as instructed) and was I allergic to anything. I then signed the form and went to the bed. I lay down, put my feet together and opened my knees. These things are always so ladylike! The second nurse (I'm sure she has a proper name!) then took over and in went the speculum, freezing cold! These things are never warm I know, but I've not had one that cold! I was sure it was opened wider than it normally is for a smear, it seemed to feel more uncomfortable than I was expecting. But that may have been me, I wasn't exactly relaxed.
I was then told that something was blocking the entrance to the uterus. No idea what, but it meant they couldn't get the tube in. There was then quite a few minutes of moving and twisting the speculum, spatulas going in and cleaning, and other general unpleasantness. This was now hurting and I was struggling not to cry with the emotional weight of it all. Eventually they got the tube in, and then the dye came. Now, maybe I'm lucky with the period cramps I get, but sweet Lord I have not had cramps like that. I'm not sure any painkillers (I had just taken some ibuprofen before we'd left the house) would have taken the edge off it. By this time I was in tears, but apparently the dye didn't want to go in so more was pumped through the tube. More cramps.
The poor guy taking the X-Ray could clearly see the discomfort I was in. He apologetically told me that he couldn't get a good picture, and could I perhaps raise my bottom with a cushion? There being no cushions in the room, I put my hands under my bottom in an attempt to raise things up and get him the picture he needed. There were further issues as the tube came out, at which point he said to me that we could stop any time I wanted to. I just kept repeating what I had said to the nurses when they had earlier asked if I was ok - I'm fine. In my head I am thinking that this needs to be done, I am going to get it done no matter how much it hurts. I am not doing this again.
Eventually, with more dye added (and therefore more cramping) he got an X-Ray. I'm still not convinced that it's going to be what they needed though, there was some talk as more and more dye was being pumped through my cervix that my right fallopian tube wasn't playing ball. But I think he could see the distress I was in and just wanted to get something, so I do fear that I will have to go through it again. If I do, I'm asking to be sedated!!!
The weirdest thing though was actually being able to see it all on the screen myself - all my bits in black and white above my head. Most bizarre. Still, an X-Ray was at least taken. According to hubby I was in there for 20minutes. I came out, saw him, and just collapsed on him in tears. I got changed (with an added sanitary towel to catch the dye that would escape all day) and we left the hospital. I got cramps on and off all day, and felt sore for a couple of hours afterwards.
The few friends that I told about having this procedure done had mixed reactions. Most were lovely, humorous even, but a couple (inevitably, those that already had children) said that they could sympathise as they were poked and prodded like never before when they were pregnant! This attitude actually annoys me, on two levels. Firstly, how can you sympathise when you have children and have no realistic idea of what I'm actually going through?! And secondly, I am well aware of all manner of pokings and proddings needed when one is pregnant - but that is because you are pregnant, and you get a baby at the end of it. There was no such 'prize' (as it were) at the end of my poking and prodding session.
Still - it's done now. And if I am lucky, I won't have to do it again. It concerns me slightly that there was a blockage at the entrance to the uterus, and that they couldn't get the tube through my cervix, and then of course there was the right fallopian tube apparently playing hide-and-seek. But hey, if they got the picture they needed (and presumably the report that will go with it) then they will know all this and we'll be advised accordingly. At least if it was one of those three things you like to think it's a relatively easy job to fix...? Not that we'll find out for a while. When I phoned the day after I was told that they didn't have any appointments with a consultant until next year. Good old NHS. Although to be fair I shouldn't bad mouth them too much, we've had a fair amount done since we were first referred in May. Anyway, miracle of miracles there was a lone appointment in December - clearly someone else had cancelled. So that's when we're off to find out what happens next.
I actually quite like the fact that it's not happening too soon. Gives us some time to try and do it ourselves still, without the aid of medical intervention, but it also takes the pressure off a bit. We've decided not to 'actively' try for the next couple of months. If that makes sense!! If it happens it happens, but I will not be looking at dates and pining hubby down as soon as he gets in from work during a certain week.
So there you go. That's where we are now. Further updates to follow no doubt, but for now - take care folks xx
So, I finally had the HSG last week. I imagine, if all goes to plan, the procedure is uncomfortable but not too traumatic. For those that don't know what is supposed to happen is slightly similar to a smear, in that a speculum is inserted to start off with. Then a tube is passed through the cervix, dye inserted, and an X-Ray taken. This is supposed to show if there are any blockages in the fallopian tubes. Before the procedure, the literature I was given had said that I might have some mild cramping when the dye is inserted so if I wanted to I could take my 'regular menstrual medication' an hour beforehand if I wanted to.
Well. It didn't exactly go to plan. Hubby came with me, which was great, not sure I could have done it on my own. I'd initially wanted him to come into the room with me, but by the time we got to the hospital I was undecided. I was told to wait in the corridor, which I did, and then an elderly nurse came over and instructed me to change. This was the first thing that was unsettling. I thought, being similar to a smear, I'd go in fully clothed and just taken off my jeans and knickers when I got in there. Clearly not. Everything off except bra and shoes, and on instead went a very lovely hospital gown. I sat down to wait again, feeling ever so slightly self conscious! When I was called in I decided I wanted to do this on my own, a brave face is harder to put on if you have loved ones around I've found, so hubby waited back in the corridor.
In I went. A bit of a questionnaire first: had I started the course of antibiotics (they give you seven days worth to prevent infection - and yes I had), had I refrained from intercourse since my period had started (yes, as instructed) and was I allergic to anything. I then signed the form and went to the bed. I lay down, put my feet together and opened my knees. These things are always so ladylike! The second nurse (I'm sure she has a proper name!) then took over and in went the speculum, freezing cold! These things are never warm I know, but I've not had one that cold! I was sure it was opened wider than it normally is for a smear, it seemed to feel more uncomfortable than I was expecting. But that may have been me, I wasn't exactly relaxed.
I was then told that something was blocking the entrance to the uterus. No idea what, but it meant they couldn't get the tube in. There was then quite a few minutes of moving and twisting the speculum, spatulas going in and cleaning, and other general unpleasantness. This was now hurting and I was struggling not to cry with the emotional weight of it all. Eventually they got the tube in, and then the dye came. Now, maybe I'm lucky with the period cramps I get, but sweet Lord I have not had cramps like that. I'm not sure any painkillers (I had just taken some ibuprofen before we'd left the house) would have taken the edge off it. By this time I was in tears, but apparently the dye didn't want to go in so more was pumped through the tube. More cramps.
The poor guy taking the X-Ray could clearly see the discomfort I was in. He apologetically told me that he couldn't get a good picture, and could I perhaps raise my bottom with a cushion? There being no cushions in the room, I put my hands under my bottom in an attempt to raise things up and get him the picture he needed. There were further issues as the tube came out, at which point he said to me that we could stop any time I wanted to. I just kept repeating what I had said to the nurses when they had earlier asked if I was ok - I'm fine. In my head I am thinking that this needs to be done, I am going to get it done no matter how much it hurts. I am not doing this again.
Eventually, with more dye added (and therefore more cramping) he got an X-Ray. I'm still not convinced that it's going to be what they needed though, there was some talk as more and more dye was being pumped through my cervix that my right fallopian tube wasn't playing ball. But I think he could see the distress I was in and just wanted to get something, so I do fear that I will have to go through it again. If I do, I'm asking to be sedated!!!
The weirdest thing though was actually being able to see it all on the screen myself - all my bits in black and white above my head. Most bizarre. Still, an X-Ray was at least taken. According to hubby I was in there for 20minutes. I came out, saw him, and just collapsed on him in tears. I got changed (with an added sanitary towel to catch the dye that would escape all day) and we left the hospital. I got cramps on and off all day, and felt sore for a couple of hours afterwards.
The few friends that I told about having this procedure done had mixed reactions. Most were lovely, humorous even, but a couple (inevitably, those that already had children) said that they could sympathise as they were poked and prodded like never before when they were pregnant! This attitude actually annoys me, on two levels. Firstly, how can you sympathise when you have children and have no realistic idea of what I'm actually going through?! And secondly, I am well aware of all manner of pokings and proddings needed when one is pregnant - but that is because you are pregnant, and you get a baby at the end of it. There was no such 'prize' (as it were) at the end of my poking and prodding session.
Still - it's done now. And if I am lucky, I won't have to do it again. It concerns me slightly that there was a blockage at the entrance to the uterus, and that they couldn't get the tube through my cervix, and then of course there was the right fallopian tube apparently playing hide-and-seek. But hey, if they got the picture they needed (and presumably the report that will go with it) then they will know all this and we'll be advised accordingly. At least if it was one of those three things you like to think it's a relatively easy job to fix...? Not that we'll find out for a while. When I phoned the day after I was told that they didn't have any appointments with a consultant until next year. Good old NHS. Although to be fair I shouldn't bad mouth them too much, we've had a fair amount done since we were first referred in May. Anyway, miracle of miracles there was a lone appointment in December - clearly someone else had cancelled. So that's when we're off to find out what happens next.
I actually quite like the fact that it's not happening too soon. Gives us some time to try and do it ourselves still, without the aid of medical intervention, but it also takes the pressure off a bit. We've decided not to 'actively' try for the next couple of months. If that makes sense!! If it happens it happens, but I will not be looking at dates and pining hubby down as soon as he gets in from work during a certain week.
So there you go. That's where we are now. Further updates to follow no doubt, but for now - take care folks xx
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