***This post was written in February 2022, I'm just
getting around to editing it and posting it now***
I'm making bad food choices, I'm drinking and hiding it from hubby, I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm utterly in limbo, this isn't the life I want to lead (or the life I thought I'd lead) but I can't see a way out right now.
These feelings creep into my head, that I'm yet again being punished. Any child that is up for adoption is not in that situation because they are unwanted, due to the availability of contraception and terminations, the children are all removed from their birth families by social services and/or court order. Whilst it does sound like issues can be reversed with a lot of love and care, I've started to genuinely feel resentful that we need to take this route in the first place. But what other option do we have??! And how bad a person does that make me be to even think these things? And so I go round in circles just beating myself up about it all. I really do want to give a child a good home, we have so much love to give, and I don't want to sound ungrateful as we're in the position financially to be able to do this but I still just can't shake these negative feelings about, well, EVERYTHING. Hence the drinking and the food choices. This is not where I want to be. Inside my head is not a nice place at the moment.
People always go on about how wonderful it must be to not have children, to do things at your own pace and have free weekends. Well, as ever things are never as wonderful as they seem. We generally have empty weekend upon empty weekend stretch out ahead of us - it is utterly mundane. Yes I love hubby but every evening and weekend just stretches ahead of us - just us, no one else. It's difficult to make plans with friends as they all have kids, so they need a lot of notice to get a sitter or similar or we end up seeing them with the kids. Which of course is lovely, but not exactly what we'd prefer to do. We've missed an entire tranche of life when it comes to friendships - I don't have an NCT group, we have no local friends, no one who we met at baby sensory class, or football training, or swimming lessons. Those that have children, just how many of the adults in your life are there because of your children? What would your life be like without them??! That's the reality.
I just don't want to be here at the moment and I don't know where to turn. I should be feeling grateful we have the opportunity and can make a difference to a child that really needs a good home. Instead I feel resentful, which leads me to hating myself, and so it goes on. When does this end?! All I can see is darkness.
"There is always light, if only we're brave enough to see it. If only we're brave enough to be it." Amanda Gorman
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