Well. We're five sessions in now with our counsellor. In my individual session I was very honest about where I thought the issues lay. We then had our first couples session after each of our individual sessions and again, I was honest. I said everything. Everything.
To give hubby a huge amount of credit he just took it. I was incredibly impressed with, ironically, the level maturity in how he dealt with it all. He showed a maturity that I genuinely didn't think he had. I was expecting anger, defensiveness or at the very least for him to sulk for a while. But no. He admitted not liking where we currently lived and therefore 'giving up' on it which is why our home had got into the state it was in. And, after that first session, we had a very good week/ten days. I felt like a weight had lifted and he finally knew where I was coming from.
When we went back to the counsellor the following week however she started pushing things I am not comfortable with. Yes, I felt that after that first session we made good progress and had some real breakthroughs. However, she is pushing something called Sensate Focus which I am absolutely not ready for. If you've not heard of it, it's a technique pioneered by Masters and Johnson which involves 'sensual touching'. I shudder at the thought. As the counsellor mentioned in our first session after our individual ones it feels as if we are in a 'parental and child' relationship - and I hasten to add that they are just names of relationship roles rather than to be taken literally!!! And I still am not sure if we're out of that. Yes, we made some really good progress after that session but I cannot at all focus on fixing the sex until I know there is progress in our relationship - one good week does not cancel out two shitty years.
I just want to take one step at a time and felt like she was going far too fast for me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to go two steps forward then five steps back!!! I said all of this in the session and yet she still pushed it. I know she is a psycho sexual counsellor but surely she should also be relationship counsellor, no?! We need to fix us. Then we can look at sorting our sex life.
There is a part of me that thinks this is all just too much hassle. No, I don't want to walk away with any regrets and I absolutely don't want to throw it away if it can be fixed but should it really be this hard?! And if I'm thinking that, do I want to fix it if I'm not sure I want to put the effort in?! Who knows. It's all just so confusing at the moment.
The good feeling after first week/ten days has definitely worn off. The short term high I felt once that weight had been lifted and everything was out in the open has disappeared and I'm back to being unhappy. I said as much to hubby over the weekend. He decided that I was clearly never going to make the decision so he would. We're separating. We've told our parents and we're looking at alternative accommodation. We've cancelled our next booked session with the counsellor. We'll have to live together in the short term but long term this is it. I've said we'll review in maybe six months' time but I'm not confident. He just seemed resigned to the fact. So there you go.
I'm not sure there's any point blogging any more bearing in mind where we are. This started out as an infertility blog and I'm incredibly grateful to all of you who have read, commented and got in touch with me over the last three years. But I'm not sure what the point of continuing this blog is. It's a wonderful outlet for my feelings and for me to think things through, putting things in writing always seemed to make things so much clearer for me. But I can do that without posting it here and subjecting you lot to it :D
So there we go. Thank you all and goodnight.
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