Teenagers Scare the Living Sh!t Out of Me

So. I'm angry. And unhappy. And, I realise, I have been for some time. Two years I think, maybe longer. It feels like I've been coasting, sleep walking - and now I've woken up. Why have I put up with this for so long? Why did I not say something sooner? Why did I just carry on month after month after month when nothing had changed until suddenly it's two years later? Just how naive was I?! I don't wish to be hard on myself, I was genuinely convinced we'd be fine. But we are where we are.

We've started marriage counselling. We had a couples session first, we then both had an individual session and we go back for another session together later this week. Sadly, I do believe hubby thinks the only issue is that we're not having sex. Don't get me wrong, that clearly is a big issue, but the fact I've had this going round and round and round my head for over six months now has made me think more about our actual relationship. I feel I have sacrificed far too much of myself for him, I no longer feel like myself. I have started to make changes to rectify this but there is so much work to do and I do wonder if it is too late to make such massive changes in our life. And is he capable of the change I need to see in him?!

I know relationships change and that you change as part of that, but usually for the better - no?! Not to regret the changes you've made? To look at your life and wonder how on earth you let things get to this? I love him but I hate living with him. I feel like I'm living with a teenager. The moods, the laziness, the eating habits, the tiredness, the attitude...... Let me give you an example.

Thursday last week, he was on a rest day after three late shifts. I had used the last of the milk in my cup of tea before I left for work that morning. When he phoned me during the day, as he always does, I asked him to please pop out and get some milk. He said he couldn't be bothered. I hasten to add we live on a high street bang opposite an 'express' type supermarket, a small supermarket and various corner shops. It would have taken him a maximum of five minutes to walk out the house and over the road to buy milk. And yet he couldn't be bothered. So I bought milk on my way home from a long day at work.

Later that same evening, after I'd had a shower, I noticed that his clothes from the previous day were still in a pile on the floor in the back bedroom (he often does this and leaves his pjs out if he gets in after me, I'd do the same if I knew I'd be coming home after he'd gone to bed) - at 7pm. I went downstairs, told him I'd seen the pile of clothes and jokingly said (with a smile!) that he clearly hadn't done anything today. The conversation then went as follows -

Him: If you'd wanted me to do things today you should have left me a list
Me: I shouldn't need to leave you a list
Him: Well. Why don't you just move out now then?!

And then he sulked for the rest of the evening. This is one of many examples of what life is like at home at the moment. He has absolutely NO ability to just just get a grip and get on, to force himself to do anything. To, essentially, be a grown up. He would much rather take the easy option(s) and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. All the time. Now, I am as much a fan of a lazy day every now and again as the next person! But not every single fucking day. All he wants to do on days off is sit on the sofa, in his trackies, playing games on his iPad, watching Netflix and then ordering a takeaway. Like I say. It's like living with a teenager.

Then there's how we live. The mess everywhere. The stuff. I know not all of it is his, really I do, but it is his attitude and my subservience (and so I do know I need to take some of the blame for this) that has let the situation get as bad as it has. Yet, whenever I try and bring something up or have a conversation with him I either get him being defensive and shutting down, he gets angry and sulks or he'll cry and look like a small boy in which case it makes me feel like I'm kicking a kitten and I immediately feel like I need to back down and back track and not say all the things that I want to. Which, again, I know doesn't exactly help matters.

There are days I don't want to go home. I'm angry with him for wearing me down, for it getting to the stage where I can't be bothered to confront him because I don't want the emotional turmoil that follows. I absolutely cannot live like this anymore. Something needs to change. But can it? Is it too late? Does he even want to change or realise that he has to? He still (!) says all the right things - how much he loves me, that I'm his world, he can't see his future with anyone else but me. Which is lovely. BUT. It is still the case that no actions follow, therefore it seems like the words are meaningless. I've heard them all before. Yes, you love me but you would never put yourself out for me. It took me four months (four months!) to convince you that something was wrong with our relationship, that this wasn't a marriage. It took me a further two months to make you realise we couldn't fix the issue ourselves - all the while you were saying how great things were, how wonderful our marriage was, and how things will be fine. Whilst doing absolutely nothing about it.

How horrible is it to love someone but know that, for yourself, you probably need to walk away from the relationship? I genuinely don't know if I want this to work or not. I change my mind daily. I look at my parents, married for over 40 years, and that is what I want. I took vows. I did not plan on going back on them. If I do walk away from this I want it to be with absolutely no regrets. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. I want to give him a chance but I am absolutely scared stiff of doing so, seeing nothing change long term, and being back in exactly the same place in a year's time when I'm a year older and I have fewer options if I still want children. Which I do.

So I'm going to try to go to the counselling session later this week with an open mind and we'll see how we go from there. Not much else I can do at the moment.........