Soooooooooooo. The festive period. Time to relax, spend time with family and friends and be generally celebratory, no?! No. Time to realise just how unhappy you've been for so long. Time to book marriage counselling. Time, for the first time, to actually think maybe I'm grateful we don't have kids as this would have been so much harder. Or wouldn't have happened at all.
Anyway, let me take you back to before Christmas. My brother kept texting me about meeting up (very unlike him) and asking if we'd booked a counselling session yet. I kept telling him that it would be January due to availability issues so he eventually arranges to come to ours just before Christmas, on a day when I'm home alone as hubby is working. He turns up with both of our parents in tow, neither of which I was expecting, so my defences immediately go up. Especially as, due to the situation between me and hubby, I'm constantly on edge and tearful anyway.
They all walk in and sit down, and he just comes out with it. My sister-in-law is pregnant. Again. They already have two (my reaction to the news of their second is documented here). She's on the pill and it was their first 'fumble' in six months. They're clearly just ridiculously fertile. Oh the irony. He knew my current state of mind and so brought my parents along as back up in case I fell apart. Which I didn't overly to be fair, it isn't exactly easy on them either. They had always said they didn't want a third. Absolutely all the baby stuff (cot, buggy, clothes, toys) has been sold and they will need a bigger car having only bought a new one six months ago. They may also need a bigger house. It wasn't planned, but at the same time it's not one of those that weren't trying but wouldn't have minded if it happened. If that makes sense?! It genuinely wasn't planned. At all.
Still, a new niece or nephew will be lovely :) I tell hubby when he gets home and he's thrilled. I then find out a few days later that my cousin is pregnant with her second. Lovely lovely news but it still stings you know, the pregnancy announcements. It just reminds me of how we've failed. And how our marriage is failing. Hubby doesn't get it. He's thrilled for them all. As am I, really! Honest. But it is still upsetting. Weird conundrum I know but there you have it, that's how I feel. He actually said to me tho that he didn't understand why I still got upset at these announcements as it wasn't as if we were trying any more, was it?
Excuse me??????!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!
No, we're not trying any more. But do you know why, dear husband?!? BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX. No other fucking reason. And you have the audacity to not understand why I'm still upset?! Or at the very least taking the announcements badly at initial hearing of them?! It has taken you six months to realise that we had a problem and a further two months for me to convince you it's a problem we can't solve ourselves.
I'm angry. And it leads me to think further about our marriage..............
To be continued.
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