I absolutely and completely lost my shit the other night. I was crying so much I was convulsing. I was hysterical. I hate this. I do not want to separate. But I had so many questions - I don't understand and I couldn't carry on like this. If he loves me as he says he does, why is he doing nothing to save this? To show me he wants it? He's doing absolutely nothing. There's no fight in him. At all. And I don't understand it. Why did he not think, for two years, to say something about the lack of sex and the fact he was scared? Why did it take me to spot things and persuade him, really persuade him, that things weren't right?
I have had a stinking cold since Sunday but have had to go into work for reasons I won't bore you with. I lost count of the number of people who said to me on Monday 'are you really sure you should be here?' - I just felt like death. I don't think I've ever felt that bad. I left work as soon as I could on Monday and was at home by 5.30pm, I took my shoes off and just crawled into bed, fully clothed. I slept until 9pm, got up for some food and then went back to bed and slept straight through until well after my alarm had gone off the following morning. Hubby said he'd never seen me so ill - and was wonderful. Truly truly wonderful.
He still cares then. So why, usually, doesn't he show it???!?!? I'm sick to death of the words, why are there no actions?! It feels like he's just coasting and not fighting. I feel like he's given up on us. So I lost it and I told him so. I really went for it. I had nothing to lose and so I really did go absolutely bat-shit crazy.
He said he thought I'd made up my mind and wanted to separate and that was it. I asked him why he isn't trying to make me change my mind then. He said he didn't know how to. It was just easier for him to say we're separating as he thought that was what I wanted. I asked him why there was no fight, why it felt like he'd given up. He said he didn't think my mind could be changed.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like he doesn't possess the tools to know what to do. Doesn't know where to start. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that he has always always gone for the easy option to have an easy life. Always. Fighting for something clearly does not come naturally. But he has to learn. If he wants to save this, he has to learn. No more words, I need actions. He pretty much admitted to me that telling me he was making the decision to separate was the easy option and that was the one and only reason he'd said it. He wanted the easy way out. I got mad again. Who on earth has ever lost what they truly wanted just because the easy option was not to fight for it???!?
I think he finally gets it. Altho I do realise I've said that before..... I can only hope that this time, finally, it might be different. Hope. I think it's all I've got left. We've become stagnant and he's just got lazier and lazier as he can't be bothered to do anything and/or just doesn't know how to. He said he's going to make changes. I said let's review in a month's time. I need him to stop saying and start doing. Let's see if he actually does that. In a month's time we have both said we will look, assess and see what's changed. If anything. There's also the option to say let's give it another month if things are at least moving in the right direction but aren't quite there yet. If nothing has changed then I can legitimately know he can't change and that there was nothing else I could do.
My sincere apologies to you all for labouring you under the misapprehension that you'd got rid of me :D I might be around for a bit longer after all.......
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