It felt like we'd hit the reset button, that going back to that flat was the 'CTRL-ALT-DEL' of the relationship. We managed to get out of the old place in one day (which was towards the end of June) so there was no going back, hubby went with the last of the stuff and I did the final clean and posted the keys through the letter box. As I left in my car the emotions overwhelmed me - it felt like I was going home.
I got back to my flat to be surrounded by boxes but the TV was on and the bed was made. We both had showers, we ordered pizza, we opened a bottle of fizz. And we were happy. The next few months were hit and miss but mainly hit. The summer was generally lovely, it really was. I had a lot of holiday to take (my holiday year runs Sept - Aug) and managed to not work a five day week for two months which was brilliant. We had a weekend away in another city and had a wonderful time (and sex!), we had a few nights out in town (and sex!) and we really loved being at my flat again. He even joined me, unannounced, in the shower at one point........... *ahem*
After our reconciliation in June I had talked to him about how I was feeling. I said, as I have said before, that I needed actions not words and that I wanted to see where we were at the end of August before I made any further decisions about us. I thought that was a fair window to see if things improved in the one department where things were still lacking. Everything else is pretty much fixed, it's just the sex. Or distinct lack of.
Hubby finally went to see a counsellor at the end of July, he said the session was very productive and ordered a book to read. We started discussing a holiday, a proper one. We haven't had one this year and we usually go away in April. For obvious reasons we didn't this year. I have always paid for our holidays and we really really do need one. It's been a challenging year for both of us, personally and professionally, and a break to recharge is desperately needed.
At the end of August I sat down with him. Whilst I admitted things were a lot better than they were, they were nowhere near where I wanted them to be. I said I was sick to the back teeth of all the words that were STILL not being backed up by actions. I said I was not going to book a holiday until I saw more actions. I promised him it would be the last time I said that as I have said it far far far too many times.
But here we are, towards the end of September, and I'm having doubts again. We haven't had sex now for almost two weeks, he's working this weekend so that stretch is likely to get longer. The excuses have come back, the actions are not there. He still hasn't finished the book his counsellor recommended he read, it arrived at the beginning of August. He hasn't seen the counsellor again. He still has limited sex drive, although it is better. I just don't know if 'better' is good enough for me. Do I just have a really high sex drive? Do I need to give him more time? Am I being unfair and expecting too much of him?
I have booked a holiday. There was some improvement the first week of September and I panicked as the place I wanted to go was fast booking up. We needed a holiday anyway, I reasoned. So we're off to Mexico in October, which is (ironically enough!) where we went on honeymoon. I cannot wait to go and I'm dreading it in equal measure. We're still not fixed, I don't want to start resenting him. Will we be ok for 11 nights, just the two of us, in close proximity?! It's an adults only hotel so that's one thing to be grateful for.
He has tried, things are better, I do love him (that has never been the issue) but I'm back to being unhappy. He's talked about trying for children again but we are having nowhere near enough sex to make that a reality. He's right for me in so many ways but this one, is that the price you pay? Can you never find that perfect person and there has to be a compromise somewhere? Is this just how it is for everyone and this is my particular compromise? The other thing that keeps playing on my mind is if we do separate he has absolutely NOWHERE to go. I'd be kicking him out on to the street or a friend's sofa and I don't want to do that. Even if I'm unhappy I'd rather that than have him homeless. And yet I have given him so many chances. So. Many. Chances. I don't want to give him any more, it's not fair on me. It's not. Life's too short to be unhappy. Is there someone else out there who is just as right for me and can match my sex drive? Or do I settle for this?
And so the questions begin and just go round and round and round in my head..........
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