So, as I confessed in my last blog entry - said post (here) was actually written a good few weeks ago. Such is the nature of my job I don't really have time to stand still (let along write a blog :D ) in May or June.
About a week after I started writing it I broke down, I told him that I didn't care that he didn't see the point or didn't want to - I needed him to see a counsellor. I needed him to do it for me. I was fully expecting a big debate and lots of disagreement but, to my surprise, he just looked at me and said yes, ok. So he started researching counsellors, he's seen one and it didn't work out so has found another he likes the look of. Fingers crossed that one is ok as I know how important it is to find the right person to talk to. Especially about something as delicate as this.
It's like he needs reprogramming. Whenever I mention snogging and fumbling he's not keen, any vague sexual innuendo and he assumes I mean intercourse. He still thinks of sex as purely intercourse resulting in orgasm rather than the smorgasbord of fun it can be. I. Just. Want. To. Get. Laid.
And it appears like he doesn't care. He's in no rush to make an appointment with the new counsellor he's found and he's doing nothing else about it. Nothing. No internet research, not going to the doctor not looking for books or blogs to read. Nothing. There is no urgency to fix this. He is causing me so much pain and he doesn't seem to care. He's just going about his life, as if all is normal, and I just get the feeling he wouldn't care if we never had sex again. Yet he still talks of our future with children in it. That's not just mean, that's cruel. Our entire lives are on hold whilst he tries to sort this out and I can't take it anymore.
Last night* my patience absolutely wore off. I yelled. I cried. I said if this was the other way round I would move heaven and earth to fix things, that the feeling I get when I know he is hurting and it's my fault is the worst feeling in the world. He cried. Said he knew how upset and hurt I was, knew it was all on him but what else could he do??!?! It would seem that his issue is a lack of life skills rather than a lack of compassion. It's like he can't take the pressure of it all and doesn't know what to do rather than he can't be bothered - but nevertheless that is how it looks to me, how it appears to me as I don't know otherwise! I am very very close to resenting him and blaming him for the fact we don't have children - if I do get to that point then there is absolutely no going back from it, and I told him so last night*. This is the only thing stopping us now and I'm 38 for fucks sake, it's not as if I have years of child bearing ahead of me is it?!?!? Where is his urgency to fix this??!
I packed a bag and I walked out. I'm staying on a blow up mattress in my empty flat. I need some space. I'll stay as long as I need to.
*again, not actually last night...... Sorry, this was one night last week. Work getting in the way of blogging again!