Rock Bottom and Bouncing Back

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think rock bottom has finally been hit. Hubby almost left me on Friday night. I got home from work and he said we needed some time apart. He'd packed a bag and said he was going to stay at his parents for a couple of nights. I fell apart, said I didn't want him to leave. He went anyway. Got as far as his car and turned back. Broke his heart to see me that upset, apparently. Cue another heart to heart. 

He didn't know why he was unhappy, but he was. Said he just didn't want to stay, but couldn't say why. I said that I didn't feel as if he desired me, as if he wanted me. He admitted he was embarrassed by his lack of sexual experience. We both cried. No, we both sobbed. I really really hoped that this time the actions would actually follow the words.

And then we had Saturday. Our new bed was due to arrive this week (and it has and it's gooooorgeous!!!) so we needed a new mattress. We could also do with replacing our three piece suite. All very grown up and big purchases! So, after spending the morning tidying up the house, we went out to our local retail park and looked at mattresses (found one! Why are mattresses so expensive?!) and nosed at sofas and suites. I did grab him in the sofa shop tho - with tears in my eyes I held his hands and said that these were very big things to buy and a commitment. One I wasn't prepared to make if he was going to walk out on me again. He looked me in the eye, said 'I won't' and kissed me on the forehead. Which somehow seemed more tender than if he'd kissed me on the lips.

We got lots of ideas from these shops and we wanted to keep the momentum of our good day going, bearing in mind how horrific Friday night had been. It was only about 3pm, and hubby had suggested earlier going out for dinner that night, so I hatched a plan. Once back from the retail park we popped over the road and bought a bottle of bubbly (prosecco rather champagne but hey, sometimes fizz is fizz!) and drank it while we got ready to go 'out out'. I put on a full face of make up (something I haven't done for goodness knows how long) and I straightened my hair. Hubby ironed a brand new shirt and polished his shoes. Off we went.

We had a drink first, then to one of our favourite restaurants for dinner (three courses and a bottle of wine!) and a drink somewhere else before we went home. And because we'd been careful with our timings we avoided the usual Saturday night scrum (made worse at this time of year.....) and were home before 9pm. We both went upstairs to get changed and he grabbed me once I'd got down to my underwear. Passionately kissed me, knocked a couple of things flying, what clothing we both had left on went everywhere and..... Well. Do I really need to say it?!

It didn't last long, it wasn't brilliant. But it happened. It was passionate and I felt a fire inside that I thought we'd lost. Clearly it was still just about smouldering away and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it go out completely now that I know a semblance of it is still there. We're planning another night out for a couple of weeks time. Fingers crossed for the same outcome! Altho to be honest the last thing I want is to put pressure on ourselves for it to happen but hell - I am not letting the momentum slide.......

Facing up to Reality

Suddenly everything seems so real. We really are in trouble. Hubby said last night 'our marriage is ending, it's not ended but it is ending - we need to turn it around'.

We had another conversation on Saturday night about separating. And, despite there again being many many tears, it was a practical conversation. If we were to split up, he would have to move back in with his parents. There are no other options for him whereas I do have my flat. Since he moved out of his parents place to move in with me they have obviously found another use for his bedroom! So we thought it only fair to warn them that there might be a possibility, however (hopefully) small, of him moving back and was that ok. It therefore followed that if we were telling one set of parents we would need to tell the other, and my brother.

And so on Sunday, whilst hubby was at work, I went round to my parents and broke the news. More tears. They offered any help they could give, we discussed the pertinent issues and I then met my brother for the afternoon. He was far more pragmatic, but then he always has been. According to him, we want us to be fine so we will be. You just work at it. End of. If only it was that simple..... On his way back from work hubby dropped in on his parents and told them. They were also incredibly supportive. Suddenly it feels real. We might be separating. Eight years together, five years of marriage.

Our discussion on Saturday night also finally lead hubby to the conclusion I've been at for a while now - we cannot fix this by ourselves. We need help. So today I have reached out to the counsellor who has been a huge help to me in the past, I'm not sure I want to see her again with these issues but am hopeful she will know someone who can help us. She mentioned last time I saw her in February this year that she knew a psycho-sexual counsellor (I think that's the phrase she used! I could be wrong) if she wanted me to put us in touch with her. At the time I declined as I was so sure we could sort it out ourselves. I now know we can't.

For that is exactly the crux of the matter. Without sex we are just affectionate best friends, and we definitely won't be having children of our own. Of the biological kind anyway, my mum again mentioned 'other ways' to have children when I saw her yesterday. Yes I know those options exist, but do we really want to start down that road when our marriage is in trouble?! I also know some marriages survive perfectly well without sex but I do not want that for us. I miss an active sex life. I still want children. I'm not getting any younger. At least now we seem to be putting the first steps in place on the road to fixing things. Let's see where we go from here.

A New Beginning?

So. It finally happened. The conversation about all my frustrations.

It was a difficult conversation but I’d gone through it in my head often enough to get out what I wanted to say, despite crying from the off.... I don’t think hubby had realised how serious it was until I mentioned the potential of me leaving him if things don’t improve. Then he started crying too. I don't want to leave him, and I did make that clear, but at the same time I was also very very clear that if things didn't change I would have a decision to make.

He did mention one thing though that hadn't crossed my mind before - our bed. There may well be a subconscious something to do with that, it is where we tried for so long and failed for so long and so maybe that's in the back of his mind. It might even be in the back of mine, I'm not sure. Anyway, that's easily fixed! So we've ordered a new bed :) it arrives in a couple of weeks' time and I genuinely do think it'll help. It'll certainly let us know if that has been a subconscious issue. And, also, now he knows how bad the things are, and that his words are meaningless unless actions back them up, I’m hopeful things will improve as he knows what’s at stake.

But there are other things playing on my mind. We're looking at buying a house. We've been thinking about it for a while to be honest. And anyone will tell you the market over here is a difficult one! Mortgages are difficult to get, deposits are almost impossible to save for and housing stock is in short supply. But - I own property. I bought a one bedroom flat not long before hubby and I started dating. After we got married I couldn't sell it and so for the past five years I've rented it out and we've rented our homes. He sees it as throwing money away. I see it as enabling me to hold on to a very precious asset.

However, it is becoming more and more apparent that I will need to sell my flat in order for us to buy a house. A 'family' home. There doesn't seem any way of using the equity in it as a deposit, said deposit needs to be in the form of cold hard cash. Which we don't have. The trouble is, even if you take away the emotional attachment I have to my flat which makes me not want to sell it - it's my safety net. Yes, I have a tenant in there. But I can turf him out and live in there myself if anything goes wrong.

Selling it makes sense. It is my past and not our future. I need to let go of my past to move forward into our future. The trouble is, I'm still not 100% sure if we have a future. I'm pretty sure I want us to have one. I want to see if the next couple of months, and the new bed, genuinely show the changes I want to see. If they don't and my safety net is taken away, then what? Luckily I don't have to make any decisions any time soon. The tenant in my flat is signed up until April 2017, we're signed into our current rental until July 2017. The earliest any decision would have to be made is January 2017.

But the more and more the realisation sinks in that I need to sell it, the more the tears come. The more the sobs engulf me. Is it just my usual idiotic thing of wanting to hold onto the past? Of being too scared to jump? Or, deep down, do I want to keep the safety net. How sure am I, genuinely, that things are going to be ok? The weekend was full of tears. My eyes are so sore. So puffy. I'm sure they're giving the game away at work. They still hurt now. And the tears won't stop coming.

Frustrations

It has been over seven weeks since we had our horrible discussion about separating (which I wrote about here) and it has been just over five weeks since I wrote about (here) the first appearance of these frustrations. And nothing has changed. Not a thing. Well, except the level of said frustrations which have sky-rocketed to new levels.

It is affecting my sleep. Each night I go to bed, sometimes alone sometimes beside him, and as soon as the light is off and I have turned over to sleep the brain switches on. I have the argument with him in my head. I make my case. And so I am still there at 2am wide awake as my sleepiness has been shattered by my frustrations.

I am intrinsically unhappy. I still love him and he does make me happy, and yet I am unhappy. I love being around him, I love cuddling up to him, holding his hand when we're out. But any attempt at anything further and I get absolutely nowhere. I have stepped up my attempts in the past few weeks and I am still met with the same response. Nothing. How long must this go on for? His shift patterns are due to change in a couple of weeks and we'll get more weekends together. Do I leave it until then to see if that makes a difference? If it doesn't, and I'm genuinely not sure that it will, then one of two things have happened. Either he no longer finds me sexually attractive or he has just lost all interest in sex.

Not meaning to sound arrogant but I doubt it is the former. He makes all the right noises and is happy to kiss and hug me (in that at least I'm not doing all the work!), stares at me as I undress in the evening and pretty much always holds or pats my bum if he walks behind me up stairs. In which case is it definitely the latter? I know his shifts have affected him I really do, but I am less and less buying that as an excuse. He has always been one to like sleep, I don't think there has been a single weekend in all the time that we have been together that he hasn't taken an afternoon nap at some point (that may be a wider issue in itself to be fair). BUT. My brother conceived two children whilst working a similar, if not identical, shift pattern and it's not as if all men in his profession are barren.

I do not want to walk away from this, I want it to work. But as much as he says all the right things the actions are STILL not following. I am not happy. I am not getting any younger either and, apparently, there is nothing wrong with me (!) so as much as I want him to be the father of my children how long do I leave it before I walk away to give me the chance to have children with someone else? Or do I just admit that what we have is pretty special (it really is) and the price to pay for that is a sexless marriage and therefore definitely no children.

I genuinely do not know the answer to that question. I know I can't go on like this for much longer. I want to talk to him about it, but part of me wants to wait until his shifts change and see if that makes a difference. Unfortunately I have a feeling it won't but who knows, maybe I'll be proved wrong. Until then I guess I need to put a lid on the frustrations and try and sleep at night.

Thought for the Day

#notthereyet

A Weekend of Two Halves

Well, that was an interesting weekend. It was my Mum's birthday on Saturday, and it's my Dad's birthday this coming week, so we took a family trip to the coast on Saturday. Well, I say family - hubby was working. So the four of us met up for a cuppa first thing before he headed off to work and the three of us headed to the coast to meet up with my brother, sister-in-law and two nephews.

I love my nephews. I cannot put into words how much. In some way they are absolute therapy and respite from where we are - at the same time they are a painful reminder of how long we have been on this road and just how much we are missing out on. But nevertheless I love them so much I could genuinely burst. Eldest nephew has just turned five, he was a bump on our wedding day (hence the reminder of time passed), and littlest nephew was two a couple of months ago. It was the announcement of his imminent arrival (here) that I found very very painful but since he arrived in the world he has brought nothing but joy to both of us. Well, eventually. For the first six months of his life he absolutely screamed when he saw hubby - his glasses and beard absolutely alien to him in his world of clean shaven, non-spectacled men. But since then all has been lovely!

The older they have got the more affectionate they are towards us. And when they finally start to say our names (mine tends to come first, in whatever variation they attempt, as it's an easier name to say than hubby's) our hearts melt. Saturday was prime example of this as littlest nephew has just started to say his own version of my name. There's a severe lack of consonants in what he's calling me, but he knows exactly what he means and so do I. Both boys love the beach, they collect stones and throw them into the sea - running away squealing with excitement when the waves gets just slightly too close to them. For whatever reason there seemed to be a lot of dunes (are they still called dunes on a stony beach?!) and so littlest nephew needed some help going up and down them to get to the sea, he took my hand to do so. Babbling away to me, we made it to the waves and started to throw stones and squeal at the waves. Well, he squealed! I just watched him adoringly.

Eventually he got bored with this and started running around and barging into/hugging us all, so I took a step back and sat on the beach. He saw me and decided to play a game since I was sat at the top of a 'dune'. He would run up and throw his arms around me, nuzzle his head into my neck and giggle. He'd then run down the 'dune', turn around and start again. All of which just made my heart melt. This lasted a surprising amount of time before he got bored and went to find more stones to throw into the sea. So I was just left staring at the waves.

Water has always fascinated me. I'm not entirely sure why, I have a friend who reckons it's down to my star sign but who knows quite frankly. I was born in a seaside town but we moved away when I was 18 months old and didn't actually live on the coast itself. In my early 20s I lived right next to the river in a city for 18 months and absolutely loved it. I would spend days sitting on the balcony staring out at it. Randomly, I've been happiest since living in places that are near water. The river in our current city is one of my favourite places to be. It is where I always head to when I need to be at peace, need some time to think. I can just stare at it forever. It is calming, peaceful. Almost like it centres me and all is right with the world again.

Sitting on this beach I was hit with a veritable tsunami of emotions (excuse the watery pun!) and it was all I could do to hold it together whilst surrounded by family. They don't know about our current situation (here) and it was not the time nor the place to start explaining myself to them. So I did everything I could to hold myself together. No one commented so either they were too involved with the boys or I did a cracking job. Either that or it was noticed and 'saved' for another conversation another time. I sincerely hope it was the former.

And then we had Sunday. Hubby had been working a late shift on Saturday hence only joining us for a cuppa first thing and not coming down to the coast, he was then on a nightshift Sunday into Monday. So, as usual, when he got in Saturday night he stayed up until around 2am then came to bed - got up when his alarm went off at 9am and then went back to bed mid-afternoon ready to leave for the nightshift at around 8.30pm.

The trouble was, I spent the vast majority of Sunday feeling 'erotically charged' as Rachel from Friends would call it. Or 'horny' as Joey would say*. And all I wanted was, well, sex! Much as I tried to initiate things hubby was just not interested. Three times I attempted, three times I failed. He commented later, as he was getting ready to leave for work, that I was quiet and I explained why. He apologised and said he was just too tired. I genuinely believe this, but I also think that there are more factors at play here. There are times when it really does feel like we are just flatmates and, my feelings aside, Sunday was one of those days. There is also the possibility that he could have been thinking about the pressure on him when we do have sex - he'll be thinking whether we're in the window or not and therefore what has to happen rather than just fooling around.

I wasn't in the window at the weekend, I won't be for another week, I was just horny. But if that is what is always on his mind whenever I come on to him then we have another hurdle to clear before we can get our sex life back on track. I honestly believe that he was tired however, and when I did explain how I'd been feeling he seemed genuinely sorry. So there is still hope. Despite the fact I sit here typing this with nothing but the feeling of frustration.





*sorry! I happened across this Friends episode yesterday and watched it :D

A Bend in the Road

This might be the hardest post I've ever had to write. I'm not even entirely sure where to begin. So I shall just begin at the beginning - a conversation we had on Wednesday night this week. It was not a pleasant conversation but it needed to happen. We're now both on the same page and, similar to the conversation I posted about here, a weight has been lifted and we can now move forward.

On Wednesday evening we discussed separating. There were tears but it was a productive conversation. Neither of us is sure we still have a marriage. We feel like flat mates. It's something that has often been discussed in infertility blogs (I made my own mention of it here) and is the absolute downside of the entire process - the affect it has on your sex life. We have lost that intimacy, that connection. We still love each other, but things have most definitely changed. We're both convinced we've caught it early (if that's the right phrase?!) and we both want to fix it. We just have no idea how. We're going to give it until Christmas and see where we are.

It's a very strange place to be. It's a very unpleasant place to be and I very much don't like being here. Apart from anything else I'll be damned if I'm going to let the absolute disease ridden plague that is infertility beat us. I gave us odds of 70/30 of sorting everything out and being fine again, hubby reckons it's 60/40.

Having said all that I do have a train of thought that makes me wonder who makes the rules up anyway. Who says what a marriage should look like and how a relationship evolves? Is this just what happens after eight years together and five years of marriage? Don't get me wrong I fully expected the lust to fade, I mean we're not as young as we used to be and I know relationships change and they don't stay the same but you absolutely make the best of what is left.

I believe that there are two reasons for this change and infertility is most definitely one of them. I genuinely believe if we'd had kids within a year or so of us trying we wouldn't be where we are now. At the same time though there is every likelihood that we'd both still be in jobs we hate but there you go! Which is worse - a happy home life but hating work, or loving your job but struggling at home? Rock, hard place, hello.

The second reason is more poignant and difficult to explain without apportioning blame. There is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that things have changed now hubby works shifts. He is typically around one weekend a month and we can go days without seeing each other. It's a ten day pattern and so he works either six or seven days (of three different shift types) and then has either three or four off. Before this summer it didn't seem to be an issue and I'd miss him when he wasn't there and rush home from work to see him in the hour or two that he would be there before he left. Recently, not so much. I find myself not fussed whether I see him or not. And the feeling is mutual. He doesn't mind if I don't rush home from work to see him. I absolutely do not blame him for this. Yes, it is his work pattern which has changed but he's so happy! And he's worked so incredibly hard to get where he is now, I'm very very proud of him. He suggested looking for other jobs when we were having this conversation and I ruled it out completely. I do not want him to give this up when he's only eighteen months in and the change in him is noticeable because of it.

So. Where does it leave us? I'm not entirely sure. We have both said that there is so much we want to do in our lives and there is no one else that we want to do it with. So that's got to be a good thing, right? One of my previous posts I linked to above made mention of the fact you just keep going, it doesn't get easier and it doesn't return to how it was but you end up in a 'new' normal. Maybe this is ours. We were working so hard on things earlier this year (when I wrote said blogpost) but recently things have definitely shifted. I don't know why and I can't pinpoint exactly when it started to happen but there is most certainly a different feel about our relationship now.

We want it to work. The thought of separating leaves me with the biggest, most unpleasant knot in my stomach and I don't like it. But things aren't right. And we both know that. We also both want to fix things. I hate that we have ended up here. Our relationship has always been so strong and in some ways it really still is, the fact we could have this conversation proves that. Neither of us were prepared to just carry on and wait until we fell out of love with each other. We want to do something about it and do something now. I just have no idea what.

Things Fall Apart

Hey kids.

If I'm allowed to say that?! Tis just a phrase, am not being patronising :) honest.

Anyway. It's been a weird week. I can't even put my finger on why, I'm feeling tearful and hormonal, it's almost PMT-esque. Except it most definitely isn't that unless my cycle has suddenly become all kinds of screwed. So let's not go there......

So, what has been going on?

I've had news from friends this week that has rocked the boat slightly, things changing that you have no control over. The house of cards starting to falter and at this precise moment, when they're moving but haven't actually collapsed yet, you have no idea where the cards will fall and how things will look when it's over. What I do know is that large scale changes are coming and I'm not sure what the road ahead looks like at the moment.

There's change at work too. After two and a half years here I finally feel as if I'm settled and have a core group of friends that I socialise with outside of work as well as see inside work. However three of the biggest and most instrumental members of this group have left this summer. Again, things are changing. Things I have no control over. How is the dynamic of my work friends going to change with these losses? It could well shift but stay fundamentally the same, it could shift and form something new which, whilst not the same, would work equally as well and (who knows!) might even be better. Or it could seismically shift things and it all changes to the point where I just wish it was how it used to be. I've always been a sentimental old fucker. I keep all sorts of crap because it has value to me or reminds me of something I want to make sure I don't forget.

And I've never dealt well with change. Which, whilst true, is a bit of an irony since large scale changes were implemented not long after our infertility diagnosis - we moved house and both changed jobs. Which are pretty big changes! I also know that change can be a wonderful thing, that if you stay static for too long it's not healthy, that if you don't jump you have no idea what's the other side and that the scariest thing is not the jump itself but that split second between deciding to jump and actually doing it.

But still. I've had enough change lately and it's all been good change. Sometimes things need to fall apart to come back together stronger, differently but in a better way. I know that, but it doesn't make it any less scary. The worst is change that I have no control over and both these events I outline above, as well as a couple of other things going on at the moment that I am not going to go into here, are things I can do nothing about and just have to wait and see how things pan out. Patience is also not something I'm particularly good at........

Maybe this is just the mad ramblings of someone who has spent far too much time thinking about things. Too much time pondering the 'what if' and going over and over things in my head, the different scenarios and what I would do/what would happen in each one. I'm fully aware that over-thinking something can be a dangerous as under-thinking it but that hasn't seemed to have stopped the thoughts consuming me.

Whatever my current frame of mind and the reasons behind it, I have no other outpost for it than this little forum. So, lucky readers, you get to be the confidante that I appear to be currently lacking. The person I can open up to without thinking that I'm going completely insane. I realise that this should be hubby and we have discussed things - my mood, the stuff that's going on with friends - but sometimes it's just better to write it all down. Things seem clearer in writing. The jumbled thoughts put in some kind of order.

Or I just am genuinely going mad...........

Comfort in Sound

There is something inherent about music. No matter what you're going through - a new relationship, a break up, thoughts of things you shouldn't do, thoughts of things you wish you had done. Songs suddenly take on a new meaning. You listen to them 'as new', lyrics resonating in ways they haven't before. Songs that were previously just enjoyed suddenly have new meaning and feel like they're talking directly to you. Like looking at things with fresh eyes. Or ears, more appropriately. 

There is something about the fact that someone else has been there before. Or at least had an inkling of something similar enough to write something that immortalises those feelings so that when you listen to it you feel it could have been written solely for whatever situation it is that you find yourself in.

We are not alone. Someone has always been there before. I take comfort in that, even if it's unintentional.

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming........

Aaaah hello dear blog. We meet again.

Yes yes ok I might have had some wine..... But I have a confession to make. My last blogpost (here) was quite an angry and bitter one and was also, dear readers, written almost two months ago but due to the complexities of my job and the ridiculously busy time of year I find myself in professionally at the moment, the earliest chance I had to 'finesse' it (if that's even the right word. Do you 'finesse' a blogpost?!) was earlier this month. And so that's when it was published. My feelings about the situation have changed slightly in the sense that I am now at peace with how things lie. She can go and lead her life and I shall lead mine. I will try my darndest (altho I guess I make no promises) not to blog about her again. I am not going to waste any more energy on her.

So. For what purpose am I turning to my little outpost this evening? And after wine no less! Well, the glorious Salt in the Womb who is not only one of my favourite twitter posters but also writes one of my absolute favourite infertility blogs (here is my very own little fangirl post about it) posed a question the other day that piqued my interest. She tweeted the following:

"Friends, I need your help. Which subjects don't get discussed enough re #infertility? Cost? Emotions? Relationships? Speak yo mind"

To which the two most pertinent topics that responders mentioned, to my mind, were:

• Family dynamics when siblings have kids when you're not/can't, and parents (would be grandparents) not handling it well
• Parents can't understand/identify what you're going through

And:

• The effect infertility & IVF has on relationships, intimacy & sex in my opinion
• Sex is a big one for me. It's hard to know if we will ever get back what we had
• Ditto for us! I'm not sure you can ever go back, just create a new normal
• How to avoid drifting into being roommates. How to get that feeling back?!

Both of these are utterly relevant to me. Issues with the first set of responses hit home recently whilst trying to sort out the arrangements for my youngest nephew's birthday (his falls just five days after mine). My own mother told me that since we were childless all we had to do was worry about work so surely we were the ones that should be flexible. Way to kick a girl when you're down. Thanks mum.

However it was all the comments on the last post that really hit me where it hurts. I have been there, ladies and gentleman, and I have the t-shirt. The comment about drifting to roommates particularly resonated - is that what hubby and I were on the verge of due to our lack of intimacy? I've written about this before here and the pain that comes with that situation I understand very well. Despite the love and affection, without the intimacy that one would associate with a marriage is the relationship just a friendship? We were in that limbo for over two years. It was only earlier this year that we broke it and things are starting to return to normal. Or at least a semblance of normal, a different normal that (at the moment at least!) seems to be working out just fine. It doesn't help admittedly that hubby works shifts and his pattern means that there are at least two or three nights every week that we don't see each other. And the ones that we do he is invariably knackered. But you push through - you don't force things but you don't give up on things either.

I want to give hope to those that posted the responses above - it CAN happen. You CAN get it back. It might not be the same, but it is infitely better than where you were..... Keep going :)

No Way Back......

I find myself short of words again, but for a very different reason this time. Not so the joys and memories of Cuba (here!) but the absolute insensitivities of someone who is supposed to be my friend. Altho, to be honest, what exactly connects us now?! I'm not getting anything out of her friendship-wise and, altho I naively tried (here), she's getting nothing out of me either. I guess I just call her a 'friend' as that's what she was and is therefore the label I give her. It's not exactly accurate anymore but hey ho. We are where we are.

There are a lot of you who will already be familiar with the girl of which I speak, I've written about her a lot lately as she plays on my mind frequently. She has always been very matter of fact about what she's doing and seems to have lost all sense of perspective. I found out a couple of months ago that she had one more frozen female embryo left and would therefore be going back to California in May for transfer. Just her - no hubby. How on earth she disguised it this time I have no idea. Last time it was labelled a 'holiday' for the two of them (and therefore bugged the crap out of me - it was not a holiday), but there is no need for him this time.

Now, I don't wish to assume too much here as this is dangerous ground to be making such assumptions but he's in his mid-40s, from a few conversations I have had with other friends on the subject I'm not sure he wants more children but loves her too much to say otherwise as she so clearly wants this and he wants to make her happy. But, like I say, it's not as if I've actually talked to either of them about this so I could be completely wrong - he may want a football team. But as the sole financial provider for the family I wouldn't hedge my bets on that one.....

Question is, if this transfer is successful how will her relationship with her three boys change? I'm sure she won't love them any less but once she has the girl she has always dreamt of will she just leave the boys alone? "I don't want you now...." I realise that's callous as I'm sure she genuinely does love those boys but for some reason she prizes a girl over all of them and so something will surely shift if she gets her wish, no?

To be honest I am almost more hurt by how she's treated me. She just cannot see it - she has never told me anything herself, has no empathy towards me at all. When I tried to reach out to her and texted her about flights all I needed was a simple 'thank you' reply but of course I didn't get that which just made me beyond angry. It really has got to the stage now where I genuinely don't care if I ever see her again. Which I do find sad. But maybe people come into your life for a reason. I may have met her aged 11, and the reason for meeting her didn't become clear until we were in out early 20s (it was through her, albeit indirectly, that I met hubby!), but now we're in our mid-30s it may well be time to just let go. The hurt is too much, as is the obvious complete and utter disregard for my feelings. That's not how friendship works.

It really is that lack of compassion that just astounds me. Despite me showing some compassion to her - I have stated before that I cannot begin to understand how losing her mum must have been for her. When she is the mum of three small boys and her mum was only in her mid-60s, it must have been gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking. I understand this must have increased her need, nay desperation, for a daughter of her own to replicate the experience she had just lost with her mum. It must be desperation for the destruction and absolute disregard for everyone else's feelings she has caused to pursue this 'dream' of hers.

And in a way that is what hurts more. That is what makes me not want to see her, makes me so completely and utterly ANGRY. If she wants to do this, fine - it's her life. Really it is and she is free to do with it what she wishes. But I am supposed to be her friend. Could she not have a single ounce of thought towards me??!!

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuba!!!!!!!!!

Oh wow. I don't know where to begin. Really I don't. Which for me is saying something!! The place is amazing, bonkers - completely and utterly nuts, but brilliant. Just, brilliant. We are DEFINITELY going back!

We've been back two weeks now and as much as it feels like the holiday was months ago rather than those two weeks ago, it certainly made an impression. The weather was amazing, the scenery was stunning, the people were lovely and it was the epitome of the perfect holiday. We only had two short rain storms and all they did was clear the air and it was back to being warm again.

By the time we arrived at the hotel we'd been up for 24 hours, our flight was delayed by two hours so we'd missed the last transfer coach by the time we got to Havana so our travel company put us in a taxi. We could barely keep our eyes open on the journey but at one point the driver braked sharply and we were both suddenly awake and sat bolt upright. As we saw a cow saunter across the road in front of the car in pitch darkness..... I do not envy the drivers of Cuba! There are very few road markings or road signs so you really do have to know where you're going. There's also a bridge between Havana and Varadero (where we stayed) which is collapsing and the town can't afford to fix it and so the police man it and only let one car cross at a time - very slowly.

Our hotel was brilliant, not five stars by London standards (but, let's face it, these places never are) but perfectly pleasant. The room was clean, bathroom in full working order and the food was brilliant. Lots of choice, a buffet but still with chefs cooking a few things to order (omelettes and eggs in the morning, meat/fish in the afternoons) as well as a snack bar by the pool. The long opening times of all these places meant nothing was ever rushed, which was a good job really as Cubans are just on their own time zone! Nothing is ever done at speed it seems.

We stayed in Varadero, which is a peninsula two hours drive from Havana. It varies from 400m to 100m in width and has beaches running up each side with a marina at the top of the peninsula and the town of Varadero at the bottom. We did spend a day in Havana and loved it, we had our own vintage car and private guide/driver who really knew his stuff. We saw a lot of Havana by car, which admittedly wasn't ideal, but I'm not sure how else you could do everything in a day! Since we'd been picked up at 8am for the two hour drive to Havana and, due to the cow incident mentioned earlier, the driver didn't want to do the two hour drive back in the dark so we had to leave Havana before 4pm. When we do go back I think we'll spend a few days in Havana to explore properly and then head to Varadero to relax.

Our ride around Havana

The other day trip we did was a catamaran to the island of Cayo Blanco. The staff were nuts and kept everyone entertained both going there and on the return trip to Varadero marina. The island itself was stunning, the complete Caribbean cliche. White sand that was as soft as flour, pale blue sea that was warm - and a pina colada in a pineapple!! Wonderful.

Cayo Blanco

Also, our Zika fears appeared unfounded. We didn't see a single mosquito and, due to some rather strong insect repellent that was so strong it melted my nail polish, we only got three midge bites between us. Which is absolutely unheard of! So, whilst I dream of still being there I look back fondly on all the memories we created. I think how lovely it was to spend that time with hubby (especially after hardly seeing him over the past week due to work commitments) and wonder, hope, that that might have been our last holiday as a twosome. It was certainly a good way to go if it was......

Chillin'

The Return.....

So, today it happened. I rejoined Facebook. I was going to do it last week but chickened out, which meant I had to do it this week. When I say 'had' to..... We're off to Cuba next week and a girl's gotta brag, right?! If there's only a few days to go it doesn't have the same effect. Well - that's what I think in my head anyway! So today I did it.

If you've missed the reason I left in the first place, you'll find it here. And for a long while I wondered if I would ever go back, I've not missed it. And Salt in the Womb (whose blog I've always loved) wrote a very good piece on why infertiles should, if only occasionally, leave social media (read it here if you haven't already). And so it has always played on my mind. But I like catching up with old friends, reading what people are up to and keeping in touch with those in far away places that it would be more difficult to keep in touch with without it.

So yes, I have returned but with a renewed attitude towards it. As I said I have genuinely not missed it these past (almost) three months. I have unfriended those that don’t make me feel good about myself and unfollowed those that caused me such hurt as to walk away from it in the first place (sadly, unfriending them would be the proverbial 'hot potato' within the friendship group.....). Also I will attempt, from now on, to be far more honest in my comments and statuses – whilst still aiming to be positive. I cannot abide those who post negative statuses looking for attention and so I will never be one of ‘those’ people, but at the same time I will no longer sugar-coat anything. It is a communication tool, it is not something one should live one’s life through.

Let's just hope I can stick to that ethos! Otherwise the next time I leave FB, it might be for good.

The Ramblings of a Mad Infertile Who Needs a Holiday :)

Sleepy. Soooooooooo sleepy! How are we already in March? Where is this year going? Why am I so tired? Questions, questions, questions. Where are we now? What plans for the future?

Well, our immediate plan is a holiday J and we cannot wait! We're off to Cuba at the end of this month, it's very much deserved and we're very excited. Zika virus aside, obviously. Sod's law eh?! Just as we're getting 'things' back on track we suddenly feel that we have to be careful (oh the irony).

Still, a recharge and a reboot are definitely what is required. We used to go away in September/October but since I've got this new job that's not been possible. Altho, due to my new role, a break at this time of year is most welcome! The job kinda turns the calendar year on its head and goes by a completely different cycle so it's actually worked out quite well to go away at this time of year. We did it last year too and it was lovely. With any luck we'll take a long weekend somewhere in October (Berlin and NYC currently on the cards for that one) but aside from that, and possibly seeing friends over the summer, this is our big holiday.

It's currently in the late 80s over there. And no, I don't mean it's full of shoulder pads and rave music. I work in old money! It's in the late 20s for those that work on the other scale. Altho surely that should mean flapper dresses, gin and jazz?! Anyway, I digress.

I like digressing. I feel like my brain somehow works differently, I go off on tangents and no one else quite gets them. Hubby's getting better, but I do feel like there's something creative in me somewhere. I don't know if it's a book, a film, a piece of art. Or something else entirely. One of these days I will take the time to explore and see what comes out of me, as it were. Altho I have no idea when! 

It's weird, I very much 'fell' into my current job but I absolutely love it. In a warped kind of way I'm quite glad that the old job got so bad (info here) as I don't think I would appreciate this job quite so much if the old one hadn't been quite so shit. As Hubby affectionately says, this job is just the three things that I love - writing lists, organising things and being bossy. Which is pretty much true! Should I admit to that....?!

How long I will do it for I have no idea, I can certainly see me doing it short term and almost definitely medium term. But then what? What could I do with my life? Kids or no kids, I definitely feel like there is more to me. I just need to work out what. In the meantime tho, I'm just going to keep counting down to that holiday :)

The Most Wonderful News - Good things DO happen to good people!!

Now before you read any further please do be reassured that this isn't the news you may think it is! We are still nowhere near that BFP (altho progress is being made....) so this is not a #pgpost and (I hope!) you shouldn't need to protect yourself from the musings in this post.

Those of you that have read my meandering thoughts for a while may be aware that I have a friend who blogs (here) about her wonderful family. It is a daring and searingly honest blog about the past two years or so since her son (their second child) was born profoundly disabled. He doesn't have an official diagnosis and, as far as they are aware, it's a genetic condition of which both her and her husband are carriers. However, after weighing up an awful lot of pros and cons they decided to have a third child - knowing full well all of the risks that that entailed.

It was not an easy decision for her and her husband to make and the past nine months have not been easy for them, however this risk has all paid off. She has found out that baby is developing as it should, all is well and it should arrive shortly. This gives me such a lovely warm feeling inside!! It is so so good to know that when one member of our friendship group is swanning off to the other side of the world to try for a genetically modified addition to her family, and for purely cosmetic reasons, that there is genuine good news for someone that deserves it so much.

Despite everything that she has been through she has always been so wonderful to us. I have written about her before, he responses to things are always incredibly humble and caring. When we first opened up about our diagnosis she was the one who apologised for 'foisting' her children on us - a silly thing to say as we love them dearly but she has empathy in spades and has always always found the time for me. In fact, she is the only one of that group of ladies that is aware of this blog and reads it. I am therefore pretty sure that as she is reading this (whenever she has the time to do so!) her face is going a rather fetching shade of red as she is the most modest person I have ever met but she so deserves this wonderful news.

I am inspired by her positivity and attitude towards the whole pregnancy, the burden that she has had to endure has been immense. I truly hope she realises how much I appreciate her friendship. She lives in the other end of the country and yet friendship is not measured by the miles, I keep in touch more with her than some from the same group who live down the road from me.

So, with a smile on my face and a renewed feeling that all is right with the world I shall plough on into the weekend..... Have a good one folks!!!

A Cry for Help

Howdy.

Just a bit of a heads up, before you read this post it might be handy to read this post and this post. If you haven't already! As I shall refer to both of them. I'd hate to confuse you....

I've not been feeling great of late. I've been very tearful, I've not wanted to do anything at the weekend other than just lie on the sofa and I can't shake the anger that I have inside of me. I found out last month that my 'friend' was flying the next day to California for her treatment. I decided I could be the bigger person, I thought I'd be fine. I texted her to wish her a safe flight, nothing more, but I thought it was the grown up thing to do. In hindsight that was incredibly stupid. I'm not sure I will ever agree with what she's doing and, because of the type of person she is, she will never tailor her responses to anything due to our circumstances. All she needed to do was reply 'thanks hon, hope you're well' or 'that's very sweet of you thank you' - and then both of us would have carried on with our evening and there may still have been hope of resurrecting the friendship in the future. As it is, I'm doubtful we will ever be friends again. Her reply was this -

"Thanks, it's so exciting!!"

Which immediately got my back up as what she is doing is abhorrent, not exciting. I genuinely do understand that she believes it exciting and that it is something she feels she has to do. Why else would she do something that so many people take an issue with? However, how she can fail to understand how I would feel about it, bearing in mind our diagnosis, I have no idea. Well, I do. Empathy has never exactly been her strong suit..... I replied, I thought fairly politely, that exciting wasn't a word I would use to describe what she was doing and again wished her a safe flight. She then made matters worse by saying that she was therefore stumped and had no idea what I was on about. This meant, of course, that I had to put what she was doing in writing which just made it even more real to me. To cut a rather long story short she accused me of being intolerant, of being rude and of spoiling her last evening with her boys before she flew out. To top it all off I then got a message on FB from her brother telling me to mind my own business and to leave his sister alone. That was the final straw. I sat on the sofa and sobbed.

Hubby had been working a night shift this particular weekend so was asleep when all this took place. He woke up, came downstairs, took one look at me and offered to call in sick to spend the evening with me. Which was an incredibly sweet thing to do (he really is the most wonderful man) but I said to him not to, he was due to leave for work in a few hours and I would just go to bed. So there wasn't really much point! I did however deactivate my FB profile the next day. I needed time away. My usual response when I have been hurt this badly is to hide away from the world. Which is therefore what I've done (apart from you lovely folk, obviously!). Weirdly enough I'm not missing it. And not many people have noticed I've gone so maybe I'll stay away..... Who knows.

What I do know is that, for whatever reason, I just cannot let this incident go. I keep playing the conversation over and over in my head and it just makes me angry. Properly, properly, full of rage angry. To the point that, when my mum suggested that what I needed to do was take a deep breath and let it all go I replied that no - what I really needed to do was punch her in the fucking face.

This behaviour is unusual for me. I am not generally a violent person! At all. And yet the rage takes over, I cry and I just want to hit her with a brick. Shake her and make her see what an absolutely immoral and completely idiotic thing she is doing. I hope to God it fails. And then I think badly for feeling like that as I know how much she wants it to work and how it would devastate her if it did fail. I have therefore got back in touch with my counsellor who helped me so much when I was off work in 2013. I cannot let this rage consume me. I need to let this go - I have let go of her, of that much I am 200% certain. If and when I do re-join the social media world I want absolutely nothing to do with her, her husband or her brother.

The past few evenings I've not particularly felt like myself either. I would categorise them as 'Meh'. The weekend was the same (although admittedly things were not helped by the fact we spent Saturday afternoon at a 1 year old's birthday party) and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like this. So I have reached out, I have made the call. I have an appointment to see her next week and I already feel better about things just because I've made the appointment. Fingers crossed that feeling continues.

Speaking about the Unspeakable - The Joy of Sex (Toys)

Good moaning dear readers.

And those of you that are dear readers will be aware of the rather odd side effect of our infertility journey that both hubby and myself have been saddled with. We have both completely and utterly lost our sex drive.

Well, I have decided enough is enough. I have taken matters into my own hands, literally, and plan on jump-starting my body to remind it what it needs to do and to enjoy doing it. Female masturbation seems to be one of the last taboos, although I must admit I'm not entirely sure why - we all do it. Don't we?! Well, I haven't for a while. My vibrator of choice is now almost 13 years old and doesn't quite, erm, hit the spot in the way it used to. This has probably not helped me as I've been less inclined to use it and no doubt this has added to the wider problem.

So! January sales here I come... Or went, as would be more appropriate. I have some new friends and they've had quite a bit of use since I brought them home. I am damned if this will beat me. I will remind my body of what it needs to be doing and should be enjoying so that it wants it itself. I will overthrow the darkness that has encroached, the barrier will be broken down by my bare hands.

Hubby's issue seems more to be tiredness, he's now three months proper into the new job and is still getting used to shift work. He's enjoying it so his mood is considerably improved but he seems to always be tired - hence I think the onus is on me to jump him (at the beginning at least) and so I must jump start myself. We've both just forgotten what to do, the urge is no longer there and we have got into the 'comfort' zone of not being bothered.

BUT.

We have both said that we will fix it this year and I now have new friends to help. This WILL NOT beat me!!!