A New Beginning?

So. It finally happened. The conversation about all my frustrations.

It was a difficult conversation but I’d gone through it in my head often enough to get out what I wanted to say, despite crying from the off.... I don’t think hubby had realised how serious it was until I mentioned the potential of me leaving him if things don’t improve. Then he started crying too. I don't want to leave him, and I did make that clear, but at the same time I was also very very clear that if things didn't change I would have a decision to make.

He did mention one thing though that hadn't crossed my mind before - our bed. There may well be a subconscious something to do with that, it is where we tried for so long and failed for so long and so maybe that's in the back of his mind. It might even be in the back of mine, I'm not sure. Anyway, that's easily fixed! So we've ordered a new bed :) it arrives in a couple of weeks' time and I genuinely do think it'll help. It'll certainly let us know if that has been a subconscious issue. And, also, now he knows how bad the things are, and that his words are meaningless unless actions back them up, I’m hopeful things will improve as he knows what’s at stake.

But there are other things playing on my mind. We're looking at buying a house. We've been thinking about it for a while to be honest. And anyone will tell you the market over here is a difficult one! Mortgages are difficult to get, deposits are almost impossible to save for and housing stock is in short supply. But - I own property. I bought a one bedroom flat not long before hubby and I started dating. After we got married I couldn't sell it and so for the past five years I've rented it out and we've rented our homes. He sees it as throwing money away. I see it as enabling me to hold on to a very precious asset.

However, it is becoming more and more apparent that I will need to sell my flat in order for us to buy a house. A 'family' home. There doesn't seem any way of using the equity in it as a deposit, said deposit needs to be in the form of cold hard cash. Which we don't have. The trouble is, even if you take away the emotional attachment I have to my flat which makes me not want to sell it - it's my safety net. Yes, I have a tenant in there. But I can turf him out and live in there myself if anything goes wrong.

Selling it makes sense. It is my past and not our future. I need to let go of my past to move forward into our future. The trouble is, I'm still not 100% sure if we have a future. I'm pretty sure I want us to have one. I want to see if the next couple of months, and the new bed, genuinely show the changes I want to see. If they don't and my safety net is taken away, then what? Luckily I don't have to make any decisions any time soon. The tenant in my flat is signed up until April 2017, we're signed into our current rental until July 2017. The earliest any decision would have to be made is January 2017.

But the more and more the realisation sinks in that I need to sell it, the more the tears come. The more the sobs engulf me. Is it just my usual idiotic thing of wanting to hold onto the past? Of being too scared to jump? Or, deep down, do I want to keep the safety net. How sure am I, genuinely, that things are going to be ok? The weekend was full of tears. My eyes are so sore. So puffy. I'm sure they're giving the game away at work. They still hurt now. And the tears won't stop coming.