Suddenly everything seems so real. We really are in trouble. Hubby said last night 'our marriage is ending, it's not ended but it is ending - we need to turn it around'.
We had another conversation on Saturday night about separating. And, despite there again being many many tears, it was a practical conversation. If we were to split up, he would have to move back in with his parents. There are no other options for him whereas I do have my flat. Since he moved out of his parents place to move in with me they have obviously found another use for his bedroom! So we thought it only fair to warn them that there might be a possibility, however (hopefully) small, of him moving back and was that ok. It therefore followed that if we were telling one set of parents we would need to tell the other, and my brother.
And so on Sunday, whilst hubby was at work, I went round to my parents and broke the news. More tears. They offered any help they could give, we discussed the pertinent issues and I then met my brother for the afternoon. He was far more pragmatic, but then he always has been. According to him, we want us to be fine so we will be. You just work at it. End of. If only it was that simple..... On his way back from work hubby dropped in on his parents and told them. They were also incredibly supportive. Suddenly it feels real. We might be separating. Eight years together, five years of marriage.
Our discussion on Saturday night also finally lead hubby to the conclusion I've been at for a while now - we cannot fix this by ourselves. We need help. So today I have reached out to the counsellor who has been a huge help to me in the past, I'm not sure I want to see her again with these issues but am hopeful she will know someone who can help us. She mentioned last time I saw her in February this year that she knew a psycho-sexual counsellor (I think that's the phrase she used! I could be wrong) if she wanted me to put us in touch with her. At the time I declined as I was so sure we could sort it out ourselves. I now know we can't.
For that is exactly the crux of the matter. Without sex we are just affectionate best friends, and we definitely won't be having children of our own. Of the biological kind anyway, my mum again mentioned 'other ways' to have children when I saw her yesterday. Yes I know those options exist, but do we really want to start down that road when our marriage is in trouble?! I also know some marriages survive perfectly well without sex but I do not want that for us. I miss an active sex life. I still want children. I'm not getting any younger. At least now we seem to be putting the first steps in place on the road to fixing things. Let's see where we go from here.
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