Self Protection and the Art of Avoidance

Howdy.

I appear to be borrowing from other media outlets quite a bit of late (see my twitter feed or my secondary infertility post here) but I recently came across this:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/31/mothers-stop-moaning-about-motherhood

Wow. Just wow. The pain in that is all too raw and, whilst I am not exactly in the same boat as I am very happily married, I can certainly relate to an awful lot of what she has to say.

Her opening gambit -

"Last week, I received an upsetting email about a pregnant acquaintance. Apparently she is devastated – I repeat, devastated – because her most recent scan shows that her unborn baby is a boy. The mother of two sons will not be having a girl and she is, our mutual emailing friend tells me, beside herself. Dreadful."


Cuts particularly deep at the moment as it strikes a little too close to home. I also have a dear friend who is a mum to three boys (I may well have blogged about her before, my memory on this is hazy but there's bound to be a mention somewhere!); three gorgeous, happy boys. Whilst she was trying for the second she tried all manner of things to try and make sure it was a girl - diet, position, day in cycle, supplements. But it wasn't to be, a bouncing boy arrived to be a brother to the first. When trying for the third she went even further.

She had read somewhere that women in Africa are statistically more likely to conceive a girl as they are malnourished. Where she got this from and how true this is I have no idea, I suspect it's utter hokem since it is a man's sperm that determines the sex of the child. It's nothing to do with the woman. But still, she believed it so went on an incredibly extreme diet -  and conceived another boy.

She is now looking to expand the brood further but is desperate for that baby girl. Erm. Why?! And this is where the infertile in me takes over - you have three healthy, easily conceived children. Yet that is not good enough for you. WHY?! Not just that, but how will the younger two feel if (heaven forbid!) they ever find out that they weren't good enough? Mum wanted a girl and did all manner of things to try and make it happen - it didn't so here you are. What on earth would that do to them? Further, I have friends (and indeed, family) who just have boys. Is that not good enough either in her eyes? You're not a success unless you have at least one of each sex? A matching pair?! Madness. And it makes me very very angry.

I have struggled to be around her, sat at the opposite end of the table at gatherings etc., but earlier this year it just all got too much. I am very fond of her, I have known her since school and she had a hand in me meeting my husband. But I can no longer be around her. She wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF.

Again - she wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF. She is fully aware of our situation (I 'came out' to my closest group of girlfriends, the group from school, in January this year) and, to give her a semblance of credit, she knows how mad it is that she's even considering it. But she can't let it go. Earlier this year her mum died unexpectedly, she was only in her 60s. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for her, genuinely I can't. However, the amount of money her mum left her is the exact amount she needs to cover the treatment and she took this as a sign. So at some point she'll be off to California for treatment, leaving behind three boys under the age of 6. How do you start to explain to them where you're going and why?! Especially when you are, to all intents and purposes, the sole carer as their father works all hours and some weekends.

I don't know what's worse - the fact that I want it to fail or the fact that I want her to conceive another boy even if it's through IVF. Having said that, she could conceive a girl who turns out to want to be a boy. Who knows. I still rather she didn't have that last outcome though......

Our group of friends all met up in October for dinner, she kept texting me asking if I was going to join them. Initially I said I just wasn't sure. But I had to be honest with her, so I told her that I couldn't see her. Didn't want to be around her. I was very clear that it was just for one reason and one reason only and that it is just for this moment in time. I am truly hopeful that at some point in the future this will not be as painful and I can cope with being around her. I also hope that the time apart won't damage our friendship too much. I do value her dearly. But at this precise moment in time I cannot trust myself around her, cannot trust myself to say something that cannot be taken back and therefore irreparably damage our relationship. For now, should I see her, it will take all the strength I posses not to grab her with both hands and yell WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???!??!???!?!!

So it's probably best that I don't see her for the foreseeable future. Which is sad, but I have to protect myself. I'm sorry as I am always in favour of putting other people first but every now and again I have to put myself first for the sake of my health and my sanity. I cannot see her at the moment. I just can't.