I find myself short of words again, but for a very different reason this time. Not so the joys and memories of Cuba (here!) but the absolute insensitivities of someone who is supposed to be my friend. Altho, to be honest, what exactly connects us now?! I'm not getting anything out of her friendship-wise and, altho I naively tried (here), she's getting nothing out of me either. I guess I just call her a 'friend' as that's what she was and is therefore the label I give her. It's not exactly accurate anymore but hey ho. We are where we are.
There are a lot of you who will already be familiar with the girl of which I speak, I've written about her a lot lately as she plays on my mind frequently. She has always been very matter of fact about what she's doing and seems to have lost all sense of perspective. I found out a couple of months ago that she had one more frozen female embryo left and would therefore be going back to California in May for transfer. Just her - no hubby. How on earth she disguised it this time I have no idea. Last time it was labelled a 'holiday' for the two of them (and therefore bugged the crap out of me - it was not a holiday), but there is no need for him this time.
Now, I don't wish to assume too much here as this is dangerous ground to be making such assumptions but he's in his mid-40s, from a few conversations I have had with other friends on the subject I'm not sure he wants more children but loves her too much to say otherwise as she so clearly wants this and he wants to make her happy. But, like I say, it's not as if I've actually talked to either of them about this so I could be completely wrong - he may want a football team. But as the sole financial provider for the family I wouldn't hedge my bets on that one.....
Question is, if this transfer is successful how will her relationship with her three boys change? I'm sure she won't love them any less but once she has the girl she has always dreamt of will she just leave the boys alone? "I don't want you now...." I realise that's callous as I'm sure she genuinely does love those boys but for some reason she prizes a girl over all of them and so something will surely shift if she gets her wish, no?
To be honest I am almost more hurt by how she's treated me. She just cannot see it - she has never told me anything herself, has no empathy towards me at all. When I tried to reach out to her and texted her about flights all I needed was a simple 'thank you' reply but of course I didn't get that which just made me beyond angry. It really has got to the stage now where I genuinely don't care if I ever see her again. Which I do find sad. But maybe people come into your life for a reason. I may have met her aged 11, and the reason for meeting her didn't become clear until we were in out early 20s (it was through her, albeit indirectly, that I met hubby!), but now we're in our mid-30s it may well be time to just let go. The hurt is too much, as is the obvious complete and utter disregard for my feelings. That's not how friendship works.
It really is that lack of compassion that just astounds me. Despite me showing some compassion to her - I have stated before that I cannot begin to understand how losing her mum must have been for her. When she is the mum of three small boys and her mum was only in her mid-60s, it must have been gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking. I understand this must have increased her need, nay desperation, for a daughter of her own to replicate the experience she had just lost with her mum. It must be desperation for the destruction and absolute disregard for everyone else's feelings she has caused to pursue this 'dream' of hers.
And in a way that is what hurts more. That is what makes me not want to see her, makes me so completely and utterly ANGRY. If she wants to do this, fine - it's her life. Really it is and she is free to do with it what she wishes. But I am supposed to be her friend. Could she not have a single ounce of thought towards me??!!
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