Fractious Families - And so it continues........ THREE

We had a wonderful weekend away, a staycation of course but we loved every second of it. The day after we got back, although we still had a few more days off work, my brother replied. I read the beginning, realised it was a very very very long message and skipped to the end to read the last paragraph. Hubby read it that morning and said that he could tell I'd clearly hit a nerve. But I didn't have the strength to read it until 48 hours later as I just couldn't do it. I knew it would be him on the defensive saying it was all me, he had nothing to explain and nothing was his fault. I was right, this was his reply:

(this, obviously, is an anonymous blog so I've changed names he used to titles as I have done for previous exchanges but I hope it doesn't deflect from reading it)

I haven’t replied to this just purely because I haven’t had the time, nothing more. So on the HUBBY thing, my view was never anything more than how everyone acted like nothing happened and that was all, you’re a grown woman so you make your own decisions and live by them.
 
The only other thing for me was protecting the kids from being confused which I’m not going into again as I’ve made my point on that many times.
 
MY NAME if we’re going to be honest then let’s be just that. We don’t get on, we haven’t for a long time and that’s Ok, people don’t get on in life. We have hugely different views on life, on the way things should be dealt with in general and all sorts of other things which then add to the pot.
 
In terms of my ‘family stance’ as you put it is neither one side or another, that is not something that enters our heads. It took ages to get them to reply to mums letter and then after that it just wasn’t something we could find time for them to be interested in again. SIL'S PARENTS never sent letters.
 
MY NAME it wasn’t two weeks, you asked about presents for the kids 10 days before ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday, 10 days before NIECE’s birthday and about a week before YOUNGEST NEPHEW’s birthday. By then grandparents have asked about a month or more before their birthday and we then send ideas.
 
It shouldn’t be and never has been up to us to initiate that sort of thing. It’s not a surprise that it’s their birthday each year. Asking that late means there’s not a lot of anything else needed.
 
Even when you do ask and then send suggestions they are so wide of the mark that I have to then think of things to send you to get. For me this is the most frustrating because it just highlights the shear lack of understanding of what they like or are into at each moment.
 
Family events aren’t dominated by us at all, the only thing we take into consideration is the kids, the same as with everything we do in life. We put our suggestions forward and say what we we’re planning and if that’s not suitable then we look for another plan. We don’t dictate, we just consider the kids.
 
Now calling me a ‘bully’, that’s low and something I’m as far removed from as can be. Sure I’m grumpy and speak my mind but bullying?! Come on MY NAME. I’ll take that comment with a pinch of salt as I’m sure your messages were written with emotion running high, if not you’re understanding of ‘bullying’ is twisted.
 
As for the things you said about MY WIFE, again get a grip. There is no hatred, no distain, far from it. You two just don’t get on because of the same reasons we don’t due to our very different outlook on things. We’ve spoke to you about this years ago in our old house, we shouldn’t have to repeat ourselves.
 
If you meant that message in the family group from her then that has come from the way you dealt with ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday which I felt was quite restrained. I myself could have said a lot worse, believe me, but thought it best to keep my mouth shut.
 
So, you force yourself to come to our house? If you don’t want to then don’t. You say you want to be involved in their lives and yet nothing has changed since we spoke in our old house. It did for a while but then since getting back with HUBBY it’s gone backwards.
 
If you want to be part of their lives then pay some interest in their lives. The odd voice message every now and again is great but I can count how many times you’ve asked to do something with them on one hand since getting back with HUBBY.
 
You don’t ask ‘frequently’ at all, you sometimes ask if we’re busy but that’s not the same. Again I could go back through your messages and count, you asking to do stuff is as far removed from ‘frequently’ as you could probably get.
 
We have never told you no about doing stuff, we’re not evil. We say we’re busy or have other plans or similar, we hardly have any spare time with three kids, a house, work, etc and any small spare time we have sometimes it’s just nice to do nothing.
 
I know it’s difficult for you cos if your current situation, I’m not blind, but you can’t expect to know them or do what your asking if you only see them on special occasions.
 
There are no barriers in the way, these are in your mind. The only difficulty is that we don’t get on but are civil when we see you, this is what you take as friction. There’s no friction on our part or towards you.
 
Yes you’re right, we don’t want you having the kids on your own because you don’t know them enough which stems from my previous points. I don’t mean in general, I mean about if one of them was to have a strop, if one of them became unwell, what they like, what they don’t like, all sorts of things to take into consideration.
 
We don’t ask anyone to join us on days out because we like going out just us. If we’ve asked grandparents it’s because we want them to spend as much time with them as possible doing things before they get too old.
 
Nine times out of ten the grandparents ask to do things with us and not the other way around. There’s no rule book.
 
Now I have great sympathy for you on the child front, of course I do. No matter what it’s a horrible thing for someone to go through. Like I said before I do things for mum and dad because I want them to have as much time with them and the kids experiences with their grandparents before it’s too late.
 
Don’t act like I’ve never had any sympathy for your situation or said as such because that’s just not true.
 
What ‘crass’ comments have I ever made?! I’m not a horrible person that you make me out to be, you’re acting like I’m some kind of monster!!
 
You feel the world is geared towards families because it’s something you desperately want. If you wanted something else as much your attention would be drawn to those type of things.
 
Yes I have a wife, children, a house, a dog but it’s by no means easy at all. I had a fucking breakdown after YOUNGEST NEPHEW was born because I found out just how hard it is. To this day it is just as hard but I know now it’s not all like the movies and it’s tough.
 
All our money goes on them, all our time goes to them, all our energy, our effort, our thoughts are all geared around them. Everything we consider, every choice we make is around them. I can’t remember the last time MY WIFE and I went out to do something for ourselves or buy ourselves something as a treat.
 
Between work and homelife there isn’t a second of the day that’s not taken up. It’s stressful and exhausting and it’s everyday. Don’t think just because we have it that everything is rosey.
 
Yes I’m sure you’d give everything to be in our type of situation but, and don’t take this the wrong way because you probably will, you don’t know what it’s like just as you say I don’t.
 
I don’t text you cos we don’t get on. Would you text someone you don’t get on with? Holding a conversation with you is difficult because of this.
 
Me and mum have always got on well, don’t act like it’s some kind of popularity contest. Our conversations have never ‘flowed’ because we’re such different people, ever since we were teenagers it never has. Let’s not act like it’s something that it’s not.
 
To say I ‘have no interest’ in your life and your ‘plans are worthless’ is just ridiculous and again I’ll just put those stupid comments down to your emotions running high when you wrote this.
 
I do nothing on purpose to make you or anyone else for that matter feel on edge or in a state. If you feel like that then that’s down to you not me, likewise you are the only one that has said I make them feel that way so it’s down to you feeling this way not me.
 
To end this I have nothing to apologise for so I’m not going to. I have nothing to take responsibility for, I haven’t treated you any differently to any other person I know.
 
We are still angry about how ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday was handled because that just personified everything that’s happened. We chose to still have his birthday because the kids had been through enough, one last thing for them to make them feel special while going through all this shit.
 
You deciding against that when we had consulted those that it effected just showed lack of priority. And for HUBBY to even text me to say that MY idea for MY sons birthday wasn’t a good idea fucking infuriated me. You think I hadn’t considered everything for everyone and most notably ELDEST NEPHEW. Telling me what to do for MY son, I’m angry now just thinking back to it!!

I’ll end this here before I say something I regret. We don’t get on, this isn’t a surprise to anyone, we have completely different views on everything. But if you want things to get any better YOU need to change your ways towards the children.

As much as you say they mean the world to you it doesn’t look like that. Birthdays highlight it with your complete lack of understanding of them. There’s a difference between loving them and actually knowing who they are as children.

MY WIFE feels the same way about what I’ve said about the kids and doesn’t really say much because believe it or not she doesn’t want to upset you, me or mum and dad. She’ll be polite and say hello, etc though doesn’t do small talk because it makes her feel uncomfortable.

I’m not expecting a reply to this, in fact I don’t want one, enough has been said. Just think it’s not just as simple as thinking I’m the bad guy, maybe there’s a reason I may come across that way.

Pleasant reading, isn't it? I'd clearly rattled him. The swearing in it! I didn't swear once in my message to him. Not just that though, the number of times he used my name - how aggressive yet condescending! Check your text messages to your friends and family, how many times do you use their actual forename in the text you're sending?

And did you count how many times he completely missed the point I was trying to make? The one that got to me the most though was saying I was only seeing family stuff everywhere because that's what I desperately wanted. Erm, excuse me?!? That's like saying someone who is lactose intolerant is bound to just see ice cream and milkshake adverts everywhere. For heaven's sake. Infertility is not a choice, it's an aspiration denied that most have without thinking about it.

Then there was that last paragraph - "I don't want a reply". A perfectly good example of his controlling behaviour. It was only after a conversation with a friend that I realised it though, I had said to her that he made it clear he didn't want a reply. To which her response was "Again, control. He gets the final word? Only if that suits you" and it made me realise that I'd fallen for it again. I wasn't going to leave it at that just because he'd told me he didn't want a reply, I had things to say. So I decided to enjoy the rest of my time off work with hubby but that I was going to reply to him when it suited me.

And so it continued. Which is why, dear reader, I'm afraid that this is going to go to a fourth post despite me saying I'd do it in three as I just can't get it all in here. Bear with me.......

Fractious Families - And so it continues........ TWO

(helps if you've read this before you continue, no biggie if not though!)

So. We had the fun and games of eldest nephews birthday and this time, for once, I was not going to kowtow to him. I had had enough. I just carried on with my life, I wasn't going to him cap in hand to say how sorry I was for our behaviour - which is what I normally have to do for us to continue to have any vague level of civility. It's always the same, no matter what has happened I'm wrong and he's right and I have to bow down to him before we're able to be treated normally again. Or whatever that means to him, I don't think we've ever been treated 'normally' but there you go. 

So I left things. Two weeks before the October half term holiday I texted him about possibly meeting up, we offered to pay, and I suggested a load of places we could possibly go and be outside to minimise risk (this was prior to where we live being upgraded in the English 'tier' system for Covid so we could meet up). The conversation unfolded as follows:

HIM
Are you seriously just going to act as if everything is alright and like NEPHEW's birthday didn't happen?! I have had no message from you about it since with you knowing how annoyed I was at it all. And you think you can just message me something like this and I'll open to the idea?!

ME
I knew how annoyed you were which is exactly why I haven't messaged you. I'm never going to win this argument, I know that, I just always end up in tears and I can't do that anymore. We'd just like to see the kids over half term

HIM
So you're happy to break the rule of 6 now but you weren't for NEPHEW's birthday?!

ME
These are not the same circumstances. Then can we just take the kids out for the day please?

HIM
How are they not?! It's still the same thing, more than 6 people being together

ME
One three year old is not the same as five adults. In that situation we were more than happy to risk it for an hour but then plans changed and we felt uneasy

HIM
I'm afraid it's not going to be as simple as this. We were left really angry with the way it was dealt with by you both and it's a culmination of a lot of other things too which we spoke to you about years ago but it only changed for a few months. The very fact you text me acting as if nothing has happened and everything's alright has just added to it all.

And that was it - I snapped. I was done, I didn't care anymore, he'd broken me, I wasn't going to let him get away with it any longer. This last message had tipped me over the edge. I spent the next day writing an email, adding and editing throughout as the day went on, as a reply to that text. I copied and pasted each paragraph into its own text message and sent the replies to him that evening. I genuinely had no idea how he'd react to it or how/when/what he'd reply, all I did know was that we could not carry on like that, *I* could not carry on like that. 

I'd sent the email to hubby just before I left work (i.e. before I sent it to my brother) and I've since sent it to my best friend. Both had the same reaction, that it was hard hitting but measured and they were both so so proud of me for writing it. They'd both seen how the relationship with my brother had deteriorated and how it had affected my mental health and were so pleased I'd sent what I'd sent. As hubby put it - I gave him both barrels, reloaded, gave him both again and then threw in a grenade for good measure. This is what I sent:

Ok. It’s time to be brutally honest with you because pussy footing around to try and fit your agenda clearly isn’t working anymore. You’re angry with the way this was dealt with?? I’ve been angry FOR YEARS about the way you and YOUR WIFE treat me and, more recently, HUBBY. I know you have never forgiven him for the hurt he caused me and you’ve never forgiven me for taking him back but we’re together now and stronger than ever so you’re just going to have to deal with it.
 
Your hypocritical stance on family stinks. You’re both very good at equality between the parents but there is no equivalent of me, of us, and so we’re frequently forgotten or an afterthought at best. Prime example, the letters I sent over lockdown earlier this year. I know mum got responses to her letters because she told me she had, I’d put a large amount of money on the fact SIL'S PARENTS got replies to anything they sent too. You told me we didn’t get a reply as they had so many letters from friends not everyone got a response. But the grandparents did, so are we friends or are we family?! The way we’re treated over presents also makes us angry. I don’t think asking two weeks before a birthday is ‘short notice’. I know there is a list and I know it gets shared with the grandparents, they clearly do ask earlier than we do but why, when it gets to only a few things left on the lists, do you not think ‘oh, we need to save something for ME and HUBBY to get’? Are we that forgotten about? It’s not as if we’re NOT going to buy presents is it??!? We’re always going to get presents and since everything we always suggest is not met with your approval we need the list and yet we’re never thought of as the list gets bought up. These are just two recent examples but there have been many many over the years showing how we’ve been treated differently.
 
Every single family event is dominated by you and dictated by what YOU want to do. Father’s day, mother’s day, birthdays, Christmas…. We cannot put any other plans in place until we know what YOU are doing. You’re a bully and you’ve been gaslighting me for years, I cannot do this anymore. The mix of that and YOUR WIFE’s passive aggressiveness, not to mention the fact she just cannot hide her utter disdain for my very existence, has made being in your presence increasingly difficult. My mental health has suffered and yet I still force myself to spend time in your house as I love your children desperately and want to spend as much time with them as possible despite the constant barriers you put in our way. We want to be involved in their lives but it is draining to ask frequently for days out, or to come over, and to be told no. We know we can’t see them unless you are present and that further restricts the time we’re able to spend with them. Maybe we don’t ask much as we should but when you’ve been hitting your head against a brick wall for a long time it gets to the point where you need to stop doing it as it hurts too much. Why have you never asked us if we want to join you on days out?! Why does it always have to come from us?!
 
Over the past couple of months it has looked increasingly likely that we are never going to have children and it will just be the two of us for the foreseeable future. We’ve done a lot of research into adoption and we feel that route is no longer open to us, we still cannot conceive naturally. We’ve been offered the money for another round of IVF but, as much as we are seriously considering it, the odds that it will work are still ridiculously low (5%). You have great empathy for mum and what she has to deal with daily with dad, I’ve seen the way you treat her and you take her for days out as a break and the kids do video calls and send messages. However for reasons I cannot fathom (altho, probably, it’s because if you’re brutally honest you don’t really like me either) you have absolutely no empathy for the situation we are in. This is proven by the many and frequent crass comments you make about children. You have no idea how it feels to be in our position, the world is geared towards those that have children and we are surrounded by constant reminders every day of what we desperately would like but cannot have. Adverts on the tube and on TV (pregnancy vitamins, days out for kids, toys), baby on board badges and buggies on the commute, articles in newspapers about what to do for child-friendly holidays, it never ends. You have managed to tick every single box in life that you are meant to and expected to tick – job, house, wife, kids, dog. And whilst I have no doubt whatsoever that you have worked incredibly hard to get there and it has not been easy for you, at the same time you have not been denied any of those things through no fault of your own. Just imagine for one minute how that feels. To want something, that pretty much everyone else has, so desperately but there is absolutely nothing you can do to fill that void. The pain and emptiness that we carry around with us EVERY SINGLE DAY is palpable and you have no idea. Nor do you seem to care or if you do care, it’s only a bit and there is certainly no empathy there.
 
All of this goes both ways. When have you ever texted me to ask how I am? How we are? How things are going? You did for a bit when HUBBY and I were splitting up but, generally, I just get ear-splitting silence from you. You take no interest in us or our lives. I know you text mum frequently and have conversations with her, but you don’t with us. I have tried to start conversations on numerous occasions but when I do eventually get a reply from you (and I know you’re busy with work, I don’t expect instant replies genuinely I don’t) the conversation doesn’t really flow naturally and peters out after a few texts. Yet you have frequent conversations with mum. Again, I can only assume it’s because you don’t really like me and don’t really have any interest in my life or care what I’m up to. We have no children therefore our plans are worthless and there’s no reason for you to keep in touch with me.
 
It is perfectly possible to love someone desperately yet dislike them. You are my brother and for that reason I love you to the moon and back and would throw myself in front of a bus for you, but as a person being around you just makes me feel on edge the whole time.
 
Now, your reaction to this will be that I’m being over sensitive. That’s always your reaction when I tell you how I’m feeling, you dismiss my very real feelings but you can’t see what you do to me and how you make me feel. Whilst I admit that I can be more sensitive than most (especially towards you, my own flesh and blood, for a long time now you’ve been the only one able to really push my buttons) BUT - you are the ONLY person in my life that I speak to that makes me feel like this. Every conversation I have with you makes my insides contract, my breathing tenses and nine times out of ten I end up crying and in a very messed up state. HUBBY has had to pick up the pieces every single time and he too is sick of seeing me like that. You are the only person that makes me feel like that and puts me in that state so yes, whilst I admit I do have over sensitive tendencies the only conclusion I can get to is that the issue is with you and not with me. I don’t react like this with anyone else. It is how you treat me and view me that leads me to feel like this and whatever level of oversensitivity I may have just makes things worse.
 
For my part, I am sorry I haven’t said any of this sooner. Really I am. It’s an incredibly heavy weight to carry and I have found the burden extremely draining for a long time, but you have a very domineering personality and it’s difficult to stand up to you, I know mum struggles. I have found it difficult in the past to find the strength to say these things but it has got to the point now that we cannot carry on like this anymore. You have said yourself that we’re not as close as either of us would like to be but until you start to take some responsibility for how things have turned out between us we will not be able to move forward. I desperately want a different relationship with both you and YOUR WIFE but the longer this goes on the more I realise that just isn’t going to happen. But maybe some new, middle ground/third way can be forged. One day it will just be the two of us and I want you in my life more and not less, but I also no longer want to be scared of you or how I feel when I’m around you. And I certainly don’t want every interaction we have to end with me in floods of tears convulsing.

It took him over ten days to reply.

Fractious Families - And so it continues........ ONE

You really didn't think it had all gone away did you?! 

(read about all the initial fun and games here and here, plus this will give you an idea of things too)

It reached a peak at oldest nephew's birthday in September. Youngest nephew and our niece had their birthdays in July whilst we were still under lockdown, or just as things were easing, so the grandparents spent one day of their birthday weekends with them in their garden and we spent the other day with them. All went well. Or as well as these things go, anyway.

Oldest nephew's birthday was after the 'rule of six' was introduced and this angered my brother as they had already planned the birthday - we'd go and watch him play football in the morning then go back to theirs for a BBQ. After the new rules were introduced we were uncomfortable with this as it would mean 11 people at my brother's, including the children admittedly but in England children weren't exempt from the rule of six so there you go. Both my brother and my husband are in a line of work where it wouldn't just be frowned upon if they broke the rules, it could be news and is certainly not something hubby particularly wanted to face. 

Hubby texted my brother, very politely, about this and got some very curt replies - essentially saying that he'd decided to do this for his son's birthday and he didn't care how we felt about it. I managed to persuade hubby to go back to their house just for an hour, we'd be outside at least and we could then make excuses and leave.

However, nephew decided he didn't want to miss his golf lesson. That would therefore mean staying at their house for 5 hours (nephew would go home after football, have a quick lunch then go out to golf lesson, presents and BBQ when he got back) and we really didn't want to do that. We said we were uncomfortable, we were asked if we had any other plans (i.e. why couldn't we stay longer) and when I said that we were nervous about breaking the rule of six and wanted to minimise our risk we got a lecture. And this, I hasten to add, all took place in the family WhatsApp group (I say 'family' group, hubby isn't a member as my brother controls it, their texts were just between the two of them). The following is then sent by my brother:

"There will be different tables for different groups of us. It's NEPHEW'S birthday and we want to do the same as we did for OTHER NEPHEW and NIECE otherwise it's not fair. Didn't need HUBBY texting me saying it's not a good idea. He's our son and I've been open with everyone about it and left it up to them with regards what they're comfortable with. NEPHEW wants to do golf after football and there's not a lot of time in between plus they need lunch. To be honest the kids have had enough upheaval so far so the rule of six can go fuck itself just for one day so NEPHEW can have a nice birthday."

Hhhhmmmmmmm.

1. Hubby didn't text him saying it wasn't a good idea, just that we weren't comfortable with it

2. This isn't the same as you did for the others as their birthdays were split over weekends and not done all in one day

I replied to say we'd just come for the football then and the reply was "I'll bite my tongue for the sake of NEPHEW, mum and dad". I wasn't having that, I'd had enough so I texted back "Fair enough, I've bitten my tongue for years."

And that was that. The day of nephew's birthday comes round and off we trot to see him play football. As usual, SIL just ignores me the entire time but I chat a bit to mum and play with other nephew and niece. At the end of the game my brother (who also coaches the team) is clearing up and wanders over to us to pick up some cones and I said something like 'good game!' to which, whilst still staring at the cones and not looking at me at all, my brother says 'I'm not talking to you' and just walks off. Charming. 

Eldest nephew comes up and we chat about the game. He asks if we're coming back to his house and when we say we're very sorry but we can't he looks so sad, my heart breaks a little but neither of us want to break the rules. Mum even turns to me and says 'if you're that upset just come' to which I reply, through tears, that we can't. I start talking about my brother and she makes it very clear that we're adults now so need to sort it out the two of us.

Hubby drives home whilst I sit in floods of tears. I can't do this anymore. I can't feel like this every time I have an interaction with my brother that he doesn't agree with. I hate feeling like this whenever we see each other or discuss anything. He rarely see things from my point of view and is just so controlling, it's his way or that's it. And the knot in my stomach just grows.

The next day my dad posts some photos in the family group of the afternoon in their garden. My SIL, who never ever EVER usually posts in our family group (she put in the odd emoji when we were updating on our IVF treatment but that's it, I don't think she's ever contributed otherwise), replies as follows to the photos: What lovely photos, was such a lovely social distancing birthday party in the garden!! Thank you for coming and for sticking with being out in the garden even though it was a little windy.

Wow. How passive aggressive can you get?! Again, I couldn't do it anymore. I posted: It doesn't matter how socially distanced it was, it was a gathering of more than six people and therefore it was illegal. Things are clearly still raw after yesterday so I'm going to leave this group for a while.

And with that I left the family group. The relief was immense. I've still not been let back in (as you can imagine, a lot more has happened since, further blogs to follow) as my brother is the only admin and he doesn't want me in there. It was only ever things aimed at my parents anyway, I was rarely included and I rarely posted. Plus hubby has never been in the group.

But that wasn't the end of it by a long shot. Oh no, more was to come. More and far far worse.

Moving On

I don’t really know where to begin with this to be honest. It’s been quite the summer, and not for the reasons you might think. There has been all of that of course but there have been other things too. We found out in June that one of our blastocysts from our round of IVF in February hadn’t actually failed the test to see if it was viable for transfer. Three had failed, but one just had a ‘no result’ which hadn’t been explained to me – I’d thought that it meant that it wasn’t viable, especially as the embryologist I spoke to just kept apologising to me. Apparently it just means they don’t know what it’s like and it’s started to hatch so they can’t perform another test on it. So we have a blasto in a freezer somewhere that we need to decide what to do with. Sadly it’s more a financial decision as the clinic put their prices up in April but it’s definitely something we’re considering when it’s safe to do so.

Then there’s adoption. That had started to become a serious consideration when I still didn’t fall pregnant over the summer. We both made significant lifestyle changes, neither of us were commuting across London anymore and my usual May/June of 12+ hour working days and high stress levels didn’t happen. And yet I still didn’t fall. If it wasn’t going to happen under those circumstances then when will it?! It was becoming clear that although there is (allegedly) nothing wrong with either of us the mix of our genes just doesn’t produce a viable embryo, for reasons we will never know and I’m guessing no one would be able to tell us. I’d been using ovulation apps (still am) and we have essentially been home inseminating due to issues we’ve been having (all that glorious detail here) so I’m of course paranoid that that’s gone wrong somewhere but I’m aware of other people who it has absolutely worked for so who knows. As the months passed, the more adoption seemed like the way we'd complete our family.

We'd both been very interested in adoption at earlier stages of our infertility journey, we knew we had so much love to give and wanted to give that love to a child in need of it. So, we signed up for an information session with the adoption service in our area. It would normally have been in person of course, but not in current circumstances. It was two hours long and incredibly comprehensive, two lovely woman from the adoption service itself as well as a woman who had adopted a child in the last couple of years so had real recent experience of the process. It was incredibly eye opening and we'd realised we'd been very VERY naïve. We had been under the impression that a child we could adopt would be relinquished, unwanted by their own family, however it turns out the children are very much wanted by their families but are removed by the courts. Sometimes the removal is fought by relatives, sometimes the child is removed even though siblings are allowed to stay. I'm sure the courts have reasons for taking children away, I'm sure they're doing it for good reasons but that just doesn't sit comfortably with us. I don't want to tear apart another family just to get my own family. I know people here have adopted, I know it's worked for them, I do not want the words I am using to be hurtful. That would be the absolute last thing I would want. But we are where we are. It turns out that adoption, in our area of the UK at least, isn't what we thought it was and therefore we don't think it's for us after all. 

So the realisation has hit us lately that this might be it. It may well be just the two of us. We've talked about another round of IVF (a friend has very generously and very sweetly offered us a loan of the money so we wouldn't need to go through the bank again), we've talked about continuing home insemination. But realistically there is no guarantee either would work - neither has yet. 

Lockdown ramblings

This is a collection of my musings, vignettes if you will, that I have added to in the past couple of months as there didn't seem to be enough in each one for it to have a post all of its own. I started writing this in March when all this madness kicked off and have added to it since so do bear that in mind as you're reading. The timeline is rather fluid (this runs mostly from March through to May/June) so apologies if some of it doesn't make sense now! Enjoy :)

It's been a while since I've written anything. There isn't much going on, as I'm sure is the case for a lot of you. We're not going out, we have no future plans, nothing is booked, nothing to look forward to.

In case you hadn't guessed, we didn't go to New York at the end of March. We're at home like, I hope, all of you! We took a refund rather than reschedule, for two reasons really. For one I genuinely have no idea if we will be able to reschedule, our jobs are such that it's not always easy for us to take time off at the same time. Secondly, we wanted to be flexible and I have no idea if we'd book through the same provider (we'd definitely try to, for obvious reasons) for the same price or the same hotel etc etc etc etc....... So, for now we'll take the refund and see how the land lies in six months' time.

Working from home isn't actually working out too badly, although hubby has been asked to make sure his kit is ready to go so he can be deployed anywhere across London at a moment's notice. Which will be fun. But until that call comes we're both at home, sharing the dining room table!

I had quite the wobble a couple of weeks ago. My anxiety has gone through the roof, I'm taking a break from Facebook (full of people moaning about the fact they have children) and have taken to walking every day in an attempt to clear my head but nothing's really working. Through everything that's happened over the past couple of years; from all hubby and I have gone through with splitting reconciling and IVF to family issues with my brother, sister-in-law and then my dad's cancer diagnosis on top of his dementia - work has been my anchor. It's been my rock, my security. I always knew where I was with work and then that all got swept away too. The ground beneath my feet just disappeared.

I have had a bit of a breakthrough however, I didn’t get out of bed until 9am despite waking up around 7am and hubby asked me whether it was because I didn’t want to get out of bed or because I didn’t want to face the world. I considered lying, then decided not to and said it was because I didn’t want to face the world. He then said we needed to get me a doctor’s appointment. I said not to, I’m doing things and I’ll be fine.

Then I had a bit more of a think. It’s not that I don’t want to face the world, it’s that I don’t want to go to work as I’m worried that they’ll find me out. That they’ll realise I’m a fraud and I can’t do the job. They’ll realise that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. It’s the exact same feeling I had for the last year or so at my previous job that made me ill – it’s work I don’t want to face, not the world. And despite knowing (really knowing!) that this is different, I can’t shake it. For the past few years work has been my stability – through everything that’s happened I have never not wanted to get up and go to work because I knew I was good at it and because it had rhythm, it was logical, it was routine, I was in control of it. At the moment, I’m not. It’s new. No one knows what’s going on. My security blanket has been taken away and I don’t like it. There no longer anything to anchor me, to keep me steady no matter what else is going on. I can’t cope with that on top of everything else going on out there at the moment.

BUT. I have not been furloughed (other staff have, a letter went out over the weekend), the boss is still coming to me for advice and I’m having regular catch ups with my line manager. So I just need to put in place everything I can and ride it out. I genuinely think that when (if?!) works settles down I’ll feel much much better. I feel better just for having figured that out :)

Plus, of course, there's more tension with my brother and his family. As I'm sure you can imagine! I've sent the kids voice messages and written letters and have I got anything back?! Have I bollocks. Apparently it's because they get so many letters they lose track and can't reply to them all, but I've heard my mum go on and on about the lovely letters she's got and the drawings they've done for her. And I'll put a large amount of money on the fact that my sister-in-law's parents have had responses to whatever they've sent over too.

It's the hypocrisy of it that stinks, either I'm family and I'm important or I'm not. According to him, my reaction to everything my brother says is because I'm being over sensitive, rather than him being an arse. And he's never going to change his perspective. Because, as has been proved countless times in the past, he can't see things from my point of view. Never will. Doesn't even try. And that won't change. 

Fractious Families - A New Chapter?!

So, before the world was completely shot to shit and just a little bit mad - I went to my brother's house to spend time with his kids. He's been really sweet (well, sweet for him..... More on that later) since the failure of our IVF cycle and I've seen the kids twice since we got the news mid-Feb that we had no viable embryos for transfer.

The first time I went was horrendous, it was about a week/ten days after we'd had the call from the embryologist and there were lots and lots of tears but I did get a really big bear hug from him. And he is someone who I think I have had physical contact with twice in the last ten years (once when we got dad's cancer diagnosis, and once the weekend hubby moved out after we split up. He's just not that kind of person). Although he did say stuff like 'it's not all it's cracked up to be', 'maybe you should be grateful you don't have kids' and 'be careful what you wish for' on the numerous occasions when eldest nephew was winding him up, but there you go.

The second time was different though, that was a couple of weeks after the first. I went with all five of them to watch the two nephews play golf, which was lovely, but the golf lesson is with other people the boys go to school with and obviously therefore other parents that my brother and SIL know well. So, my brother and I watched lesson whilst my SIL and niece stayed in the clubhouse with the other parents and their children that weren't in the golf lesson so that when we came back inside there were two distinct groups of 'mums' and 'dads' sat round talking whilst the kids all played together. My brother kindly pulled me up a chair next to him (I knew no one else there I hasten to add, I hadn't met any of them before) but it was also on the side of the 'mums' group and, naturally, as time went on he got more and more involved in the dads group so I was just left there in silence as they talked about all the stuff that generally makes me want to cry and go and bang my head against a wall. As I was getting to the point where I was going to make excuses and just go home (after crying in the car first, obv) it was time to go so off we went.

My brother, my niece and I went out first and he asked why I just sat there in silence as they're all perfectly nice people. I said I'm sure they are but that situation for me is like our Center Parcs was - horrendous (here - if you want all the gory details of that particular hell) and I hate it. He said he knew but I could have made an effort - I told him that it hurt like hell and I just couldn't deal with it. SIL then appeared with the nephews and he turned on both of us: "and you two haven't said one word to each other all day, you're like five year olds, just talk to each other". I was shell shocked, she just continued to ignore me. We went back to theirs and I continued to play with the kids and be ignored by her.

Now, it was SILs birthday the following week so after the boys had had their tea my brother wanted them to go upstairs with him to wrap her presents. This left the two of us downstairs with my niece. As the boys were climbing the stairs my brother let rip again - "this is ridiculous, you don't even acknowledge each other's presence. I know you're different people, I know you're not going to be best of friends, I'm not as close to my sister as I'd like to be as I know we're very different people but this is now *really* upsetting me and it makes me mad. Just talk to each other, learn about each other's lives, get on with each other" and that was that.

Again I was shell shocked and initially I thought he was going for both of us, but when I thought about it later the use of the word 'sister' made me thing he was actually aiming it predominately at her. That idea was reinforced in my head as it was her who responded to his tirade and not me - 'stop trying to force it ok, just stop trying to force it' which she said in quite an agitated tone before he left to go upstairs.

When he was eventually out of the room and upstairs with the boys, silence followed. She clearly wasn't going to do anything..... I asked if they had any plans for the Easter holidays at the moment, "no not really" was the response, and she continued trying to get my niece to finish her dinner. More silence. I gave it a bit more time debating whether I could be the bigger person here or why should I bother with someone that clearly doesn't want anything to do with me. No, I thought, for my brother I will do this. So I asked another question - it must be easier now in your new job that you don't have to worry about taking school holidays off work. No response at all, she just concentrated on my niece. Fine I thought, I'm not doing any more.

I know she doesn't like me, that's fine, I can take that I'm a grown up but fuck me the toxic atmosphere is something else. Why can't SHE act like a grown up?!? I used to say hello to her as I walked in the house, I used to engage her with conversation, ask her how her day had been and how work was going etc. but I was lucky if I got one word answers back so I stopped trying. She's not good for my mental health. Funnily enough it's incredibly draining and I knew I was getting nowhere so why should I bother??!? Which I realise does sound petulant but if this was anyone else, if she wasn't married to my brother, I just would never see her again. Sadly though I don't have that option here, at least whilst the kids are young anyway.

When my brother did finally come back downstairs the three of us were on the sofa (opposite ends, obviously, and she had my niece on her lap) watching a film. The boys and him joined us for a bit. SIL had to leave the room at one point (can't remember why now) and brother seized the opportunity to ask me - "did you talk?". I could hear the pointedness in his voice as his eyes bored into me. "I asked two questions" I said, honestly, and slightly startled. And then he asked if she'd said anything, still staring at me and in the same tone. Now, what the hell do I answer to that?!? How can I slag off your WIFE to you?!? What sort of position is that to put me in?? So, very flustered, I managed to say that yes, she had said a few words. But again, what a position to put me in...... I get it, I do, I know what he's trying to do, and I feel for him. But I'm not the problem and I'm damned if I'M going to be labelled a bitch for slagging her off to him!

Not for the first time, I left their house in tears.

Game Over

So. After further checks it would appear that none of our four frosties are viable for transfer. None. Game over.

I didn't think it would affect me this much. I realise that's an incredibly naive thing to say, really I do, but there you go. It's been over a week now and I'm still crying at the drop of a hat, drinking too much vodka and only really wanting to eat pizza. Which is not a good thing - I put on half a stone in five days on the IVF meds and I struggle to lose weight at the best of times. But hey ho.

"Why don't we just do another round?" I hear you cry. A lot of other people have asked the same question. It's an easy answer to be honest - cost. We borrowed £10,000 from the bank to fund this round, we spent £9,500 of that getting this far. We simply can't afford to do it again. Even though now I know I could go through it, I was worried I wouldn't be able to but it would appear that I can. The irony is not lost on me.

I keep questioning everything. Did they just get a bad batch of eggs out of me that particular month? If we'd done it the month before or the month after would we have got a different outcome? Did I react badly to the drugs and did that affect egg quality? Was it my eggs or his sperm? Or both?! Are we just not compatible? Hubby has a lot of inheritable serious illness in his family, whilst the clinic tested for motility and shape there is no way of knowing if they carry any abnormalities which have made things unviable. I guess the most likely reason though is my age - I am 41 this year. Egg quality goes down with age, all the science says so. So maybe I am taking this so badly because I am blaming myself. Or, more likely, I realise that we have now waved goodbye to any chance of me ever getting pregnant. Adoption is still on the cards so there is still a chance we'll be parents, but there is now a very very real chance I will never be pregnant. We'd even talked about using our frosties with a gestational surrogate if the first couple didn't stick in me. All of this stuff we'd talked about that will never need to be said again. When will the questions end? When will the nightmare end?

Very sweetly, both sets of parents also gave us some money to go towards treatment (this would have paid for the meds and other associated costs of our first transfer, subsequent transfers we were going to fund ourselves) and they do not want that money back - we did offer as we felt bad. So we're using that for five nights in New York next month. We both love the city but haven't been for a few years. I'm not even looking forward to it at the moment, although I'm sure I will. At least I hope I will. Right now I just can't look past this. This failure. This, what seems like at least, finality of our journey.

The Little Egg That Could (and friends!)

So, egg retrieval went well. I didn't respond well to the sedative initially so they had to give me a higher than usual dose, apparently it's because I have a high tolerance to alcohol. Not sure whether to be appalled or proud..... They managed to get 20 (twenty!) eggs out of me so no wonder I was in so much discomfort. We were discharged around midday and when we got home I slept pretty much all afternoon. Woke up about 6pm and we ordered pizza (I was under strict instructions not to cook so what else were we going to do?!) and went back to bed early. I'm was back at work the day (a Wednesday) after but still in a fair amount of pain, it didn't go away for a while (early the following week).

The clinic then phoned me the following morning with an update - of the 20 (I still can't quite believe that number....) eggs that they collected 16 of them were mature enough to be fertilised (they would expect 80% so that fits), then 9 actually fertilised (an additional two were 'over fertilised' so can't be used). They said they'd keep me posted with their progress daily but that they only expected 90% (i.e. 8) of them to continue to develop, whichever ones do continue to grow would be checked before freezing. There was of course still no guarantee how many would make it to freezing, nor how many will pass all the relevant checks. There's also, of course, no guarantee any of them will 'stick' once transferred but holy hell these were good numbers to be starting with!

This following morning's update was not so good - only seven continued to develop, two didn't produce any cells. Of those seven, four weren't doing very well and so the clinic weren't sure if they'd make it to freezing. They were hopeful that the other three would, and some of those four might still it's just that the chances are lower that they will. We'd get a better prediction in the following day's update call of how many would make it to freezing.

And the next day's update was a blow, it took the wind right out of both of us. Only one was doing what it should be doing but they didn't know if it would continue to do so. Three more made it to eight cells, but the cells were misshapen and fragmented so were unlikely to develop further. The others were still developing but doing it so slowly that they were also unlikely to make it. The next update was two days away and there was now a very real chance we'd end up with nothing

The wait was excruciating. But when the phone call finally came they said that our little fighter had made it!!! One was being checked that day and three of the others had also caught up and might be ok for checking the next day. There was still 24hrs to go on those three so of course things might change but at that moment it did look like they should make it! There were still many more hurdles to jump - they need to pass the checks and be ok for freezing for a start. And there is of course still no guarantee any will implant successfully after transfer but after the earlier phone call we got we were fully prepared for different news so, for at that moment at least, we were very happy bunnies.

The final clinic update came through and we ended up with four that had been frozen and checked, the results of the checks won't come through for a few weeks so nothing else to do in the meantime. The only thing of slight concern was that the embryologist wasn't convinced of their quality, but (as far as I'm aware....) if a fertilised egg makes it as far as being a blastocyst it's just different levels of 'good'. If it's not a viable embryo it wouldn't have made it to be a blastocyst. So, as always, there are still no guarantees but it was another hurdle cleared!

And so the wait begins.

Christmas and the Good Follicles

Christmas, as we knew it would be, was horrendous. Christmas Eve we had lunch with my parents, dad gearing up for a stem cell transplant in the New Year (more about that another time, I don't have the energy to write about that too at the moment), and Christmas Day we spent volunteering. Which actually went really well and we both very much enjoyed it, but then we had to leave before the end so I could drop hubby home and drive down to my brothers by late afternoon. Yes that's right, I had to leave hubby home alone on the afternoon and evening of Christmas Day as he is still not allowed anywhere near my brother's children. We then spent Boxing Day with hubby's family which was lovely - and we were done. That was it.

The weekend between Christmas and New Year I came down with a horrible cold so spent the weekend with the duvet on the sofa. Which, to be honest, had pretty much been the plan for the weekend anyway!! But then AF turned up four days early and put our New Year plans in jeopardy, turning everything on its head. I now needed to be scanned before we went away rather than when we got back. After the initial anger had subsided, we managed to rebook the scans for the morning before we went away as opposed to the afternoon we got back. And actually, in hindsight, that was a really good thing. I'd reacted so badly to the HSG I'd had on the NHS (read about that fun here) that I was unbelievably nervous and shaky about this scan, the anticipation beforehand was horrendous. How would I have felt about having it hanging over me throughout our entire New Year trip?! So, actually, getting it out of the way before we went away ended up being a good thing. So I guess AF does know what she's doing sometimes after all.

And our New Year trip was just AMAZING! We were in this wonderful old hotel, a building that used to be owned by Jane Austin, in the west country and had a brilliant time. Got all dressed up for NYE itself, had wonderful food and drink, ended the night in style, went for a really long walk the next day interspersed with tea and cake and the views were just stunning. For the first time in a long time I actually felt as if I'd had a break over Christmas. It was straight back into things when we got back though, we headed to the bank to discuss a loan. It was all sorted very quickly and easily. Part of me was actually worried how easy it was to borrow the money! We got incredibly good terms though and were pleased with the deal we had. So, onwards.

Because AF had been early, it meant we could have a good go of things whilst we were away. But still to no avail, AF turned up in January a day late - just enough to get my hopes up. So we went to our nurses appointment anyway. Because AF in December had been early, our nurses appointment should technically have also been moved a week earlier before January's AF had made her appearance but that hadn't possible with my work so we ended up keeping the appointment the same. This meant we were at the clinic on day 3 of my cycle and given the option to start an IVF cycle there and then. A bit of a shock, but we decided to go for it. Again, just showing things do happen for a reason. If AF had turned up on time we would have been too late and had to wait another month before we could start, but we started treatment Thursday last week (23rd Jan). As I know most of you are all aware (with apologies, I know there are people who read my blog who know nothing about the process. I also find it's good for me to have a record of what on earth has gone on!), it started with just one injection every morning for the first four days (to stimulate the ovaries, in a device similar to an epipen) and then an additional morning injection daily from last Monday (to stop ovaries releasing eggs early, in the form of a more 'normal' syringe). I then had two scans last week to make sure the injections were working. That very first injection was horrendous, I couldn't do it in end. Got myself into a right state and hubby had to do it for me, but I got used to it eventually. I did end up in A&E that weekend though as it took a while for my body to get used to it and I was in an unbearable amount of pain. But it passed and things have been at least bearable since. I will not miss the side effects from the injections though! And my appetite over the past few days, wow. I. WANT. ALL. THE. FOOD. I dread to think how much weight I've put on but we'll worry about that another time.

Eventually I moved to permanent discomfort, massive bloating and only occasional pain. As I said, bearable. I then had my final scan yesterday morning and my consultant said they could see lots of good follicles so I've responded really well to the treatment and they think they'll get TWELVE eggs out of me which is just bonkers. There's obviously no guarantee any of them are any good but having as many as twelve certainly increases our odds of having at least one decent embryo to implant. And again, with apologies to those that know all this already, but not all eggs will be able to be fertilised and not all fertilised eggs will make it to be a viable embryo - but these numbers are at least looking decent enough to give us some hope. Egg collection will be tomorrow morning, trigger injection was last night and freaked the crap out of me - it needed to be done at a very specific time or egg collection would be jeopardised and I had two injections as the clinic didn't have enough in stock got just give me one. First one was a 'pen' like the initial injections had been and that one went in fine, the second one was a syringe as the second injections had been. For the first time I managed to get a blood vessel or similar and there was blood everywhere, including in the syringe itself. Bearing in mind the timing issues I just stuck the needle in again and pushed the plunger, paranoid that after everything I'd ruined our chances of egg collection this cycle. But the clinic have confirmed that we're all good, so first thing tomorrow I'll be sedated whilst they remove the contents of my ovaries with a very large needle. Yay. I've never had any sort of operation or any type of anaesthesia so I am absolutely bricking it.

After tomorrow it's all a numbers game - however many eggs manage to be fertilised (it's unlikely all of them will fertilise) are then grown in a lab for five days and only the ones that develop properly are deemed viable to be implanted and those ones are then frozen. There's no guarantee whatsoever that once implanted an embryo will stick, no matter how 'good' it was deemed in the lab. But the clinic were very impressed with me, these are really good numbers bearing in mind my age. Well, assuming the scan yesterday was correct anyway! We'll obviously have a better idea when they've actually taken the eggs.

It's been a very hard few weeks. Massive kudos to all of you that have done this more than once. I can't imagine having to go through this again. But there you go. Hopefully (!) I won't leave it as long next time to update you all, I hope you can appreciate it's been quite the few weeks and the blog took a bit of back seat. If you are able, I'd be very grateful if you could keep all your fingers and toes crossed for tomorrow and I'll keep you posted as best I can. Thank you 💗