(again I've changed names to titles, but that's all I've changed)
ME
Hey. Hope you're well? My brother has told me he's working nights this weekend. I'm free all weekend if you wanted to do something x
HER
Yes he is working this weekend. If I'm honest im still very upset & angry with you at the moment, you seemed to of swept what has been said to you by me under the carpet and acting as if all is ok & it really isn't. You seem to feel as though my last message doesn't need to be responded to & that you have said you have nothing further to say on the subject. I understand some things in your life at the moment are difficult and I'm truly sorry about that but the last two messages you have sent me make me feel that you're acting as if the previous few messages never happened.
ME
I'm very sorry you feel like that. As I said to my brother, I am absolutely not sweeping it under the carpet and nor do I feel as if I am acting as if the previous messages never happened. I am very aware that all is not ok, I really am. For you to feel like that was never my intention. Honestly. But it is true, at this precise moment in time I have nothing further to say on the matter. I'm very sorry but it's true. That's not to say I won't be able to address these issues in the future, as I have said I am not sweeping it under the carpet and I know things are not ok. But right now, at this moment, I have nothing further to add xx
HER
Well then that's a very sad situation to be in regarding this. Maybe I expect too much from an auntie but until you're able to see what I'm getting at and realise what's upsetting me I don't want to hear it. I don't want to have to spell it out to you because if you can't see it then what's the point.
ME
I am struggling with my mental health at the moment and juggling far too many balls in the air than is probably wise. I absolutely do want to resolve this but want to chose my words carefully, I do not want to say the wrong thing or be misconstrued. I have therefore taken the decision, rightly or wrongly, to say nothing further at this point. That does not mean that I have nothing more to say, just that I don't want to say it right now. I want to wait until I am in a better place, until my head is clearer and I can respond in a way that is not clouded by my current circumstances xx
At this point I didn't know what else I needed to do to get her to understand me - I WAS NOT sweeping this under the carpet, I ABSOLUTELY DID want to sort it out - just not RIGHT NOW. I had enough on my plate and couldn't think straight. To the point where I put a very very drunk post on my FB (which I deleted the next morning) about the pressure I was under with everything going on - aimed squarely at her to get the message that I wasn't avoiding this for superfluous reasons or just because I didn't want to. But she just kept going at me............
HER
I am sorry that you are struggling but the longer this is left the worse the situation might get. I won't be able to play happy families with you when/if we see you as I feel until this is sorted I am unable to talk to you because you clearly can't see my side of things. I'm really am sorry to hear that as mental health is nothing to be taken lightly so if time is what you need then take it, BUT......the longer this drags on without being dealt then the more of a problem it will become
That was late on a Friday night so I didn't reply to that. I spoke to my mum that weekend, I hadn't wanted to get her involved as I thought it was unfair to put her in the middle of it. As it turned out however, they had spoken to her before the first message was sent to me to tell her that they were thinking of talking to me about this. My mum was brilliant. She said as much as she does agree with them to a point she also knows us all well enough to know that we've been butting heads for a while now and it was bound to come to a head at some point. She knows we both do things differently and can't find middle ground. She knows they have the trump card, will not bend on how they do things and so I'm going to have to take the fall. I could not stop crying during the phone call to her, at one point I was crying so much I started hyperventilating. I just needed my sister-in-law to leave me alone whilst I was feeling like this but know that I was not ignoring things, I just needed time and was genuinely not fobbing her off. Mum suggested I try and call her so she could hear how I was feeling and know I was genuine. So I did. I called that Saturday afternoon and, obviously, she didn't pick up so I left a voicemail. Sobbing into the phone about how much I wanted to fix this but I just couldn't right now. I never got a response. And so it continued:
ME
Hey. Hope you picked up my voicemail over the weekend? I am not avoiding this. I really am not. I want to sort it out. I just need to be in a better place to do so. I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I do, really I do. Please could the two of us meet up to talk? Are you around at all over the weekend of 23rd/24th June? Work will have eased off by then and hopefully have calmed down and I should be able to think straight. I am free all of that weekend and would much rather please that we sorted this out face to face rather than over text. So, if you're around, please just name a time and place and I promise I will be there x
HER
Sorry no phone call or message on my phone but kids have been playing with it. I have nothing further to say to you until your in a better place so for now I think it's best if I keep my mouth shut because I will only end up saying the wrong thing. Oh and just so you know these messages aren't just from me they are from your brother aswell!!
ME
I know. But I still think it would be beneficial, if you don't mind, for just the two of us to sit down and talk. I really think I'll be in a better place by 23/24 June which is why I suggested that weekend. I'm free all of that weekend, please let's go out somewhere and talk. Just name a time and place and I promise I'll be there x
HER
You keep saying that you need time and now all of a sudden in 2 weeks your going to be ok?? As I said before I've nothing further to say to you until your in a better place so sort yourself out and we will take things from there! I don't want to meet you on my own as this isn't just my views it's very much your brother's aswell.
Again, I was at a loss as to what to do. I wanted to sort it sooner and knew that they wanted to sort it so that's why I suggested that weekend, but she rebuffed me. Clearly if I wanted to meet up that weekend I was fobbing her off with the mental health things I'd told her. So, again, I spoke to my mum. Who suggested I take the time if she was offering it to me. Thank her for giving me that time and promise to meet up once term has finished in the summer and (aside from a potential house move) I would be freer. So, this was my reply:
ME
Ok. Thank you very much for giving me the time that I need. With a very difficult time at work as well as trying to sort out the sale of my flat and the purchase of my new place this is a very stressful time. Maybe I was rushing things suggesting that weekend in June, I just wanted to sort this out. It might be better to wait, if you don't mind, until the end of term when I can take time off work and sort myself out so that I have the space to get my head together to be able to think clearly when things have calmed down. Thank you again for letting me have that time. I'm so sorry everything has gone wrong between us, it really is the last thing I wanted to happen. This is too important not to fix. If you'll let me, I'll get back to you after the end of term as I should feel a lot better by then. Hopefully you can then give me a time and a place to suit you both and I promise I'll be there. Thank you x
I have had nothing since. I think she has finally got the message, I'll text her again at the end of term. But she has since blocked me on Facebook (I know, mature....) and she has never ever, over the past few years, accepted my follow requests on Instagram and Twitter - she has locked accounts on both services. But, no matter what happens, I know what the outcome will be. I will be the one in the wrong (which I know I am, to a degree) for not being able to rise above everything for the sake of the children. They will not accept that their behaviour didn't help. I am absolutely willing to admit that I should have been able to rise above everything and put the children first but, you know what, I didn't/couldn't. There have been times I've had to put myself first, knowing that I didn't have the mental strength to get through an afternoon or a day with them. Their treatment of me will not come into the equation at all. They're also massively contradicting themselves when they say they're putting the kids first and then treating me the way they have done, but they won't see that - they're putting the kids first.
I know I could have put myself out more, forced myself more, I really do know that. I just find it galling that the price to pay for that is that they are going to get away with the most horrible behaviour towards me knowing it'll be my fault for not just getting over it rather than their fault for treating me like that in the first place. They probably won't even think that they're treating me badly, according to them I've just not been doing what I should have been doing as an Aunt. But there you go. Such is life. Such is the way they live their life. I remember a year or so ago posting a picture on FB that had come up on my Timehop of my oldest nephew when he was a baby and I posted it with various heart emojis. My brother commented on the photo - "was that the last time you saw him?". I deleted the comment. I have stopped posting similar things on FB.
If only it were as simple as this:
But they want me to have a relationship with the kids so I can't cut contact with them, everything just has to be on their terms. My sister-in-law is an only child and so, if I don't have children, once all parents are gone I will be the only blood relative they have left. Part of me wants to absolutely applaud her for it. But the other part of me wants to hit her with a fucking brick.
It is my birthday in a couple of weeks, the week after that the littlest nephew has his birthday and then two weeks after that it will be my niece's first birthday. I have resigned myself to the fact that all three will be shit. I texted my brother last Sunday to ask him what he'd like me to get littlest nephew for his birthday (we are never allowed to just go out and get something, we always have to ask them what we're allowed to get them) and he still hasn't replied. There will no doubt be a party for my niece's birthday that I will not be invited to. If I do anything for my birthday they will not want to come. I just need to resign myself to the fact that this year will be shit all round for July birthdays and just hope it won't be the same next year......
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