I have one sibling, a brother who is 18 months younger than me. I love him dearly but oh holy hell are we different. I've always found it very strange as we could be no one else's children, we're both so very similar to our parents, but it's like we've got the exact opposite halves of them - we could not be more different as people.
Therefore, he was never going to marry someone that I got on famously with. The woman he has married is amazing for him, they clearly love each other dearly and are a great couple. She's a wonderful mother to their three children. But she has never liked me. For reasons I have no idea about. It's not malicious, it's just that if we'd met in any other walk of life we wouldn't be friends. We'd get on fine I'm sure, but would not be friends. It's that simple. She never says hello to me, never asks how I am and knows very little about my life. I don't like going to their place for this reason, I don't feel welcome. However, they have three children and I try and see them when I can. The trouble is, it's not as often as they want it to be. I refuse to drop everything, cancel and rearrange things, just because they've decided they want the family over at what is usually fairly short notice. My parents do, which doesn't really help my case, but there you go.
I have tried various strategies in the past but all to no avail. I plan months in advance, they go day to day and generally have little idea on a Monday about what they're doing that weekend. A middle ground has never been found. I have been less and less willing to put myself out for them. If you keep banging your head against a brick wall it eventually hurts so much that you're going to stop doing it. But, of course, they hold the trump card - the children. This all came to a head the weekend in May when hubby and I were due to see each other after a month of no communication at all. That same day it had been arranged, with only a few days' notice, to go and see the house my parents are buying and moving to. I didn't want to move what hubby and I had arranged to do (go to a beer festival) to spend the day feeling uncomfortable around them and looking round a house I wasn't going to live in.
So. The following text conversation ensued. Obviously, I have changed people's names to their title to anonymise them - we don't really talk like that! But that is the only change I have made to the messages that were sent between us.
HER
After speaking with your brother today and hearing about
your decision to go to a beer festival yesterday, I feel I need to say
something to you because to be honest I think it's about time.
I know I don't talk to you much about this but this is down to not wanting to
upset you. I feel that it's always the same reason for you that you find it to
hard to be with the children because of your own personal situation but when I
see on Facebook you spending time with other people's children, it makes me
question what is it that you find so hard about spending time with ours.
I understand that it's difficult for you to be around children, I don't
understand it but I get it. But to see that you're able to spend time with
other people's children, putting photos over social media of doing so but not
doing the same sort of activities shown in those photos with our children, I
find this really very upsetting on the children's part.
I feel really sad for our children that they don't have the relationship with
you that they should have as there one and only auntie. I know there are times
when we are busy but when you have a chance to see the children & you turn
it down to spend time drinking with your ex it makes me wonder about
priorities.
I know it was pre-planned but I personally found it a strange choice seeing as
there probably wasn't any booking and it's a yearly thing. Not spending quality
time with them you must understand why I don't feel comfortable with you having
the children on your own. I feel you don't know them enough & this really
upsets me.
Just because something has now been said to you please don't change what you
are doing in the future because you will only be doing it because you've been
told this to not necessarily because you want to. My aim is not to upset
you/make you feel bad/cause an issue/etc, it's really not, but it is to unload
what I have been feeling and hopefully you may eventually realise what the end
result of some of your decisions are.
ME
Firstly, can I thank you - genuinely - for being
honest with me. It means more than you will ever know.
Yesterday had been in my diary for months and I didn't feel like I could change
my plans at the last minute and let people down. That's just how I work my
diary. I get invited to an awful lot of things so my rule, for a long time, has
been that whatever I am asked to go to first is what I stick with. I try and be
fair like that and so, unless there are exceptional circumstances, that's what
I do and have always done. It's why I've not replied to two invites from
friends for this Saturday as I don't know yet if we're going to Brands Hatch
with dad, that was the first thing I was asked to for this weekend so that
comes first.
I must admit I'm a bit confused about the social media comment, the only photos
I can think of recently on Facebook were in February. Unless I'm missing
something?? If I am I'm sorry. I made two trips in February, one was to see one
of my best friends who has a young son and then I went to see my goddaughter
for her second birthday. For both of these occasions it was only the second time
I'd met the child in question and I am very very close friends with both
mothers. I can't think of anything else on Facebook but apologies if I have
missed something.
There are two things about those situations. Firstly, please don't believe
everything you see on FB, it is not a reflection of real life. Yes, I may meet
up with friends who happen to have children and smile in photos but that
doesn't mean I'm not dying inside whilst outwardly smiling. It doesn't mean I'm
enjoying it and you won't see pictures of me crying all the way home
afterwards. I booked both of those trips as I was borderline suicidal and
decided I needed things to look forward to.
The second thing is that I don't have the relationship with you that I have
with the mothers of those children. I don't mean that as anything other than a
factual statement, really I don't. I am very fond of you, I couldn't see my brother with anyone else and I'm thrilled he's with you. But he and I are incredibly
different people and so he was never going to marry someone that I got on
famously with and was really close friends with. Please do not take that as a
slight on you as that is absolutely not how I mean it - you and I are just very
different people. Therefore I am far more relaxed around my friends children
than I am around yours. Which I know sounds insane but it's true. You and my brother are so different to me I'm paranoid about doing something wrong and one of you
will tell me off. I know that sounds pathetic but it's true. I know I should
get over it as they're my nephews and niece but it's hard. I do feel like I
don't know them well enough and I hate that but it's because I'm scared and
intimidated by you and my brother. If I do something wrong with a friend's child
they'll just tell me off, if I do something wrong with a child I love as much
as your three I would never forgive myself.
I would never ever ask to be with them alone for that reason, honestly I really
wouldn't, but if my brother is working at a weekend and I'm free (like last weekend)
it would be lovely to see them even if he isn't around. I may have this
completely wrong but it seems as if him or my parents need to be around for me
to see them. Maybe you and I could try and spend some time together? That would
be nice.
I'm not going to change how I manage my diary, but I will continue to make sure
you're the first people I check in with when I have a free weekend. I am
genuinely touched by your honesty and I hope you can take what I have said in
the same way. I would love it if we were closer but I know that's never going
to happen so for you to feel you are able to be honest with me like this means
a lot, thank you xx
HER
Me making this point is nothing to do with the
relationships you have with me & your brother, our children are the only thing I'm
concerned about with this. I think times when you haven't paid for something,
things can be changed/cancelled, I'm sure if your friends are true friends
& you turned around to them & said that you were actually going to give
it a miss to spend time with your niece & nephews, especially if one of
those friends is your ex, they would be more than understanding.
Saying that you are more relaxed around others children & not ours is very
sad! They are your blood, it doesn't matter if you get things wrong, we all do
no one is perfect but to say your worried about being told off is very pathetic
(I'm just repeating your own words) if you've hated it so much why haven't you
changed it??
The way in which I do things when your brother isn't around is no different to the way
it's always been, I always spend one on one time with my parents coz it's the
only time I get to & majority of the time the kids have play dates with
friends.
This has been an ongoing issue for 7 years now & if things haven't changed
in that time I'm not sure they ever will to be honest, which is a very sad
situation for our children to be in.
It's nice you've said to try to build a relationship with me but it's my
children that are my priority at the moment. I'd like to start with them as
they're more important and then see where that goes.
Now, my issues with what she says are as follows:
1. You are incredibly naive if you think the relationship I have with you doesn't affect the relationship I have with your children
2. Don't contradict yourself, you say you don't want me to change how I manage my diary and then you tell me you do want me to change how I do things
3. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually felt like their Aunt
4. No, I didn't tell you, but that day was more than 'just' a beer festival - it was myself and my husband having a very frank discussion about our marriage. Knowing we both hated the limbo we were in and so deciding whether to say goodbye or give things another go. I was not about to rearrange it as I wanted to see him and have that talk with him
At that point I decided I wasn't going to win. I was in my most stressful time at work, where I was generally working 13/14 hour days without a break (time which doesn't include the hour and a half one way commute) usually without lunch and sometimes without breakfast either - I didn't have the energy to deal with it. Of course, they knew none of this as they know so little about what my job entails. But if there's one thing I've learnt over the years, it's don't start a fight when you don't have a hope in hell of winning it. And so I thought that was that for now, we'll pick it up later and talk about it when things have calmed down. Bearing in mind my current mental state with everything going on (work, house move, hubby) I just didn't have the strength to deal with this sensitive situation in the manner in which it deserved. I was likely to say something in haste I would regret later. So I decided to leave it there. I had more to say but was not about to do it in the state I was in.
But oh no, there's a little epilogue to this. Two weeks later I have the following text conversation with my brother:
HIM
Have you text my wife back about your conversation the other week?
ME
I replied to the first message, I didn't reply to the subsequent message
HIM
Do you plan to?
ME
No
HIM
So you're just going to sweep it all up under the carpet then?
ME
Not at all. I just have nothing further to add at this time.
I had two initial thoughts about this. Firstly, you could just ask your wife?! Secondly, I know the relationship they have and there is no way he hasn't read the text conversation between us already so he's asking me a question he already knows the answer to. Talk about making drama for the sake of it.... At this time I had said, 'at this time'. Doesn't mean I'm done with the conversation, just means I can't add to it right this very second. I even thought that might be the end of it but I was wrong.
To Be Continued.
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