So, before the world was completely shot to shit and just a little bit mad - I went to my brother's house to spend time with his kids. He's been really sweet (well, sweet for him..... More on that later) since the failure of our IVF cycle and I've seen the kids twice since we got the news mid-Feb that we had no viable embryos for transfer.
The first time I went was horrendous, it was about a week/ten days after we'd had the call from the embryologist and there were lots and lots of tears but I did get a really big bear hug from him. And he is someone who I think I have had physical contact with twice in the last ten years (once when we got dad's cancer diagnosis, and once the weekend hubby moved out after we split up. He's just not that kind of person). Although he did say stuff like 'it's not all it's cracked up to be', 'maybe you should be grateful you don't have kids' and 'be careful what you wish for' on the numerous occasions when eldest nephew was winding him up, but there you go.
The second time was different though, that was a couple of weeks after the first. I went with all five of them to watch the two nephews play golf, which was lovely, but the golf lesson is with other people the boys go to school with and obviously therefore other parents that my brother and SIL know well. So, my brother and I watched lesson whilst my SIL and niece stayed in the clubhouse with the other parents and their children that weren't in the golf lesson so that when we came back inside there were two distinct groups of 'mums' and 'dads' sat round talking whilst the kids all played together. My brother kindly pulled me up a chair next to him (I knew no one else there I hasten to add, I hadn't met any of them before) but it was also on the side of the 'mums' group and, naturally, as time went on he got more and more involved in the dads group so I was just left there in silence as they talked about all the stuff that generally makes me want to cry and go and bang my head against a wall. As I was getting to the point where I was going to make excuses and just go home (after crying in the car first, obv) it was time to go so off we went.
My brother, my niece and I went out first and he asked why I just sat there in silence as they're all perfectly nice people. I said I'm sure they are but that situation for me is like our Center Parcs was - horrendous (here - if you want all the gory details of that particular hell) and I hate it. He said he knew but I could have made an effort - I told him that it hurt like hell and I just couldn't deal with it. SIL then appeared with the nephews and he turned on both of us: "and you two haven't said one word to each other all day, you're like five year olds, just talk to each other". I was shell shocked, she just continued to ignore me. We went back to theirs and I continued to play with the kids and be ignored by her.
Now, it was SILs birthday the following week so after the boys had had their tea my brother wanted them to go upstairs with him to wrap her presents. This left the two of us downstairs with my niece. As the boys were climbing the stairs my brother let rip again - "this is ridiculous, you don't even acknowledge each other's presence. I know you're different people, I know you're not going to be best of friends, I'm not as close to my sister as I'd like to be as I know we're very different people but this is now *really* upsetting me and it makes me mad. Just talk to each other, learn about each other's lives, get on with each other" and that was that.
Again I was shell shocked and initially I thought he was going for both of us, but when I thought about it later the use of the word 'sister' made me thing he was actually aiming it predominately at her. That idea was reinforced in my head as it was her who responded to his tirade and not me - 'stop trying to force it ok, just stop trying to force it' which she said in quite an agitated tone before he left to go upstairs.
When he was eventually out of the room and upstairs with the boys, silence followed. She clearly wasn't going to do anything..... I asked if they had any plans for the Easter holidays at the moment, "no not really" was the response, and she continued trying to get my niece to finish her dinner. More silence. I gave it a bit more time debating whether I could be the bigger person here or why should I bother with someone that clearly doesn't want anything to do with me. No, I thought, for my brother I will do this. So I asked another question - it must be easier now in your new job that you don't have to worry about taking school holidays off work. No response at all, she just concentrated on my niece. Fine I thought, I'm not doing any more.
I know she doesn't like me, that's fine, I can take that I'm a grown up but fuck me the toxic atmosphere is something else. Why can't SHE act like a grown up?!? I used to say hello to her as I walked in the house, I used to engage her with conversation, ask her how her day had been and how work was going etc. but I was lucky if I got one word answers back so I stopped trying. She's not good for my mental health. Funnily enough it's incredibly draining and I knew I was getting nowhere so why should I bother??!? Which I realise does sound petulant but if this was anyone else, if she wasn't married to my brother, I just would never see her again. Sadly though I don't have that option here, at least whilst the kids are young anyway.
When my brother did finally come back downstairs the three of us were on the sofa (opposite ends, obviously, and she had my niece on her lap) watching a film. The boys and him joined us for a bit. SIL had to leave the room at one point (can't remember why now) and brother seized the opportunity to ask me - "did you talk?". I could hear the pointedness in his voice as his eyes bored into me. "I asked two questions" I said, honestly, and slightly startled. And then he asked if she'd said anything, still staring at me and in the same tone. Now, what the hell do I answer to that?!? How can I slag off your WIFE to you?!? What sort of position is that to put me in?? So, very flustered, I managed to say that yes, she had said a few words. But again, what a position to put me in...... I get it, I do, I know what he's trying to do, and I feel for him. But I'm not the problem and I'm damned if I'M going to be labelled a bitch for slagging her off to him!
Not for the first time, I left their house in tears.
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