Fractious Families - And so it continues........ THREE

We had a wonderful weekend away, a staycation of course but we loved every second of it. The day after we got back, although we still had a few more days off work, my brother replied. I read the beginning, realised it was a very very very long message and skipped to the end to read the last paragraph. Hubby read it that morning and said that he could tell I'd clearly hit a nerve. But I didn't have the strength to read it until 48 hours later as I just couldn't do it. I knew it would be him on the defensive saying it was all me, he had nothing to explain and nothing was his fault. I was right, this was his reply:

(this, obviously, is an anonymous blog so I've changed names he used to titles as I have done for previous exchanges but I hope it doesn't deflect from reading it)

I haven’t replied to this just purely because I haven’t had the time, nothing more. So on the HUBBY thing, my view was never anything more than how everyone acted like nothing happened and that was all, you’re a grown woman so you make your own decisions and live by them.
 
The only other thing for me was protecting the kids from being confused which I’m not going into again as I’ve made my point on that many times.
 
MY NAME if we’re going to be honest then let’s be just that. We don’t get on, we haven’t for a long time and that’s Ok, people don’t get on in life. We have hugely different views on life, on the way things should be dealt with in general and all sorts of other things which then add to the pot.
 
In terms of my ‘family stance’ as you put it is neither one side or another, that is not something that enters our heads. It took ages to get them to reply to mums letter and then after that it just wasn’t something we could find time for them to be interested in again. SIL'S PARENTS never sent letters.
 
MY NAME it wasn’t two weeks, you asked about presents for the kids 10 days before ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday, 10 days before NIECE’s birthday and about a week before YOUNGEST NEPHEW’s birthday. By then grandparents have asked about a month or more before their birthday and we then send ideas.
 
It shouldn’t be and never has been up to us to initiate that sort of thing. It’s not a surprise that it’s their birthday each year. Asking that late means there’s not a lot of anything else needed.
 
Even when you do ask and then send suggestions they are so wide of the mark that I have to then think of things to send you to get. For me this is the most frustrating because it just highlights the shear lack of understanding of what they like or are into at each moment.
 
Family events aren’t dominated by us at all, the only thing we take into consideration is the kids, the same as with everything we do in life. We put our suggestions forward and say what we we’re planning and if that’s not suitable then we look for another plan. We don’t dictate, we just consider the kids.
 
Now calling me a ‘bully’, that’s low and something I’m as far removed from as can be. Sure I’m grumpy and speak my mind but bullying?! Come on MY NAME. I’ll take that comment with a pinch of salt as I’m sure your messages were written with emotion running high, if not you’re understanding of ‘bullying’ is twisted.
 
As for the things you said about MY WIFE, again get a grip. There is no hatred, no distain, far from it. You two just don’t get on because of the same reasons we don’t due to our very different outlook on things. We’ve spoke to you about this years ago in our old house, we shouldn’t have to repeat ourselves.
 
If you meant that message in the family group from her then that has come from the way you dealt with ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday which I felt was quite restrained. I myself could have said a lot worse, believe me, but thought it best to keep my mouth shut.
 
So, you force yourself to come to our house? If you don’t want to then don’t. You say you want to be involved in their lives and yet nothing has changed since we spoke in our old house. It did for a while but then since getting back with HUBBY it’s gone backwards.
 
If you want to be part of their lives then pay some interest in their lives. The odd voice message every now and again is great but I can count how many times you’ve asked to do something with them on one hand since getting back with HUBBY.
 
You don’t ask ‘frequently’ at all, you sometimes ask if we’re busy but that’s not the same. Again I could go back through your messages and count, you asking to do stuff is as far removed from ‘frequently’ as you could probably get.
 
We have never told you no about doing stuff, we’re not evil. We say we’re busy or have other plans or similar, we hardly have any spare time with three kids, a house, work, etc and any small spare time we have sometimes it’s just nice to do nothing.
 
I know it’s difficult for you cos if your current situation, I’m not blind, but you can’t expect to know them or do what your asking if you only see them on special occasions.
 
There are no barriers in the way, these are in your mind. The only difficulty is that we don’t get on but are civil when we see you, this is what you take as friction. There’s no friction on our part or towards you.
 
Yes you’re right, we don’t want you having the kids on your own because you don’t know them enough which stems from my previous points. I don’t mean in general, I mean about if one of them was to have a strop, if one of them became unwell, what they like, what they don’t like, all sorts of things to take into consideration.
 
We don’t ask anyone to join us on days out because we like going out just us. If we’ve asked grandparents it’s because we want them to spend as much time with them as possible doing things before they get too old.
 
Nine times out of ten the grandparents ask to do things with us and not the other way around. There’s no rule book.
 
Now I have great sympathy for you on the child front, of course I do. No matter what it’s a horrible thing for someone to go through. Like I said before I do things for mum and dad because I want them to have as much time with them and the kids experiences with their grandparents before it’s too late.
 
Don’t act like I’ve never had any sympathy for your situation or said as such because that’s just not true.
 
What ‘crass’ comments have I ever made?! I’m not a horrible person that you make me out to be, you’re acting like I’m some kind of monster!!
 
You feel the world is geared towards families because it’s something you desperately want. If you wanted something else as much your attention would be drawn to those type of things.
 
Yes I have a wife, children, a house, a dog but it’s by no means easy at all. I had a fucking breakdown after YOUNGEST NEPHEW was born because I found out just how hard it is. To this day it is just as hard but I know now it’s not all like the movies and it’s tough.
 
All our money goes on them, all our time goes to them, all our energy, our effort, our thoughts are all geared around them. Everything we consider, every choice we make is around them. I can’t remember the last time MY WIFE and I went out to do something for ourselves or buy ourselves something as a treat.
 
Between work and homelife there isn’t a second of the day that’s not taken up. It’s stressful and exhausting and it’s everyday. Don’t think just because we have it that everything is rosey.
 
Yes I’m sure you’d give everything to be in our type of situation but, and don’t take this the wrong way because you probably will, you don’t know what it’s like just as you say I don’t.
 
I don’t text you cos we don’t get on. Would you text someone you don’t get on with? Holding a conversation with you is difficult because of this.
 
Me and mum have always got on well, don’t act like it’s some kind of popularity contest. Our conversations have never ‘flowed’ because we’re such different people, ever since we were teenagers it never has. Let’s not act like it’s something that it’s not.
 
To say I ‘have no interest’ in your life and your ‘plans are worthless’ is just ridiculous and again I’ll just put those stupid comments down to your emotions running high when you wrote this.
 
I do nothing on purpose to make you or anyone else for that matter feel on edge or in a state. If you feel like that then that’s down to you not me, likewise you are the only one that has said I make them feel that way so it’s down to you feeling this way not me.
 
To end this I have nothing to apologise for so I’m not going to. I have nothing to take responsibility for, I haven’t treated you any differently to any other person I know.
 
We are still angry about how ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday was handled because that just personified everything that’s happened. We chose to still have his birthday because the kids had been through enough, one last thing for them to make them feel special while going through all this shit.
 
You deciding against that when we had consulted those that it effected just showed lack of priority. And for HUBBY to even text me to say that MY idea for MY sons birthday wasn’t a good idea fucking infuriated me. You think I hadn’t considered everything for everyone and most notably ELDEST NEPHEW. Telling me what to do for MY son, I’m angry now just thinking back to it!!

I’ll end this here before I say something I regret. We don’t get on, this isn’t a surprise to anyone, we have completely different views on everything. But if you want things to get any better YOU need to change your ways towards the children.

As much as you say they mean the world to you it doesn’t look like that. Birthdays highlight it with your complete lack of understanding of them. There’s a difference between loving them and actually knowing who they are as children.

MY WIFE feels the same way about what I’ve said about the kids and doesn’t really say much because believe it or not she doesn’t want to upset you, me or mum and dad. She’ll be polite and say hello, etc though doesn’t do small talk because it makes her feel uncomfortable.

I’m not expecting a reply to this, in fact I don’t want one, enough has been said. Just think it’s not just as simple as thinking I’m the bad guy, maybe there’s a reason I may come across that way.

Pleasant reading, isn't it? I'd clearly rattled him. The swearing in it! I didn't swear once in my message to him. Not just that though, the number of times he used my name - how aggressive yet condescending! Check your text messages to your friends and family, how many times do you use their actual forename in the text you're sending?

And did you count how many times he completely missed the point I was trying to make? The one that got to me the most though was saying I was only seeing family stuff everywhere because that's what I desperately wanted. Erm, excuse me?!? That's like saying someone who is lactose intolerant is bound to just see ice cream and milkshake adverts everywhere. For heaven's sake. Infertility is not a choice, it's an aspiration denied that most have without thinking about it.

Then there was that last paragraph - "I don't want a reply". A perfectly good example of his controlling behaviour. It was only after a conversation with a friend that I realised it though, I had said to her that he made it clear he didn't want a reply. To which her response was "Again, control. He gets the final word? Only if that suits you" and it made me realise that I'd fallen for it again. I wasn't going to leave it at that just because he'd told me he didn't want a reply, I had things to say. So I decided to enjoy the rest of my time off work with hubby but that I was going to reply to him when it suited me.

And so it continued. Which is why, dear reader, I'm afraid that this is going to go to a fourth post despite me saying I'd do it in three as I just can't get it all in here. Bear with me.......