I wrote this the weekend after we got back from Center Parcs at the beginning of August. I then decided to step away from it for a while as it had been so painful and I wasn't sure if that would colour my writing. Reading it now a month later it just brings it all back and I realise again what a horrendous week it was. So, dear reader, here it is in all its undoctored glory...….
Aaaaah, the family holiday. A time to cherish, enjoy and make memories. Well, most of the time. Not so much if you're an infertile at a place designed for families with your own family - which includes a sister-in-law completely incapable of hiding her utter disdain at your mere existence.
It was all my mother's idea, she booked and paid for it around October last year. Way before my father's cancer diagnosis, but quite a while after he had been diagnosed with dementia. She wanted one more break away as a family to make memories. I knew full well it would be at the detriment of my mental health to go and spend that much time in close quarters with everyone. I also knew my mother would be heartbroken if I didn't go for anything other than the full week (well, five days, Mon to Fri). So, after a wonderful few days away in another city with hubby which we both thoroughly enjoyed, I unpacked and repacked and off I went. With the reaction to mine and hubby's re-coupling there was no way he was coming too so I was by myself, with people I didn't really get on with, surrounded by families. There are reminders all day everyday (adverts, baby-on-board badges, billboards, large bumps sat opposite me on my train to work) of my failure to create the life I want to live but here, wow, it was just thrown in my face every single day.
And then of course there was my sister-in-law. Who makes no attempt to hide her dislike of me, who never speaks to me, who makes me feel unwelcome in her own house to the point I hate going there. And so it was at Center Parcs, she did not engage with me once. She only ever spoke to me if I spoke to her - 'would you like a cup of tea?' 'no thank you'. Only once did she acknowledge my existence, in the water park one day my brother took oldest nephew on a flume and she joined a queue with youngest nephew for another flume - and passed me my niece. With no 'please can you take her' and no explanation of where I would meet them afterwards or asking if I would take her, she just put her in my arms and started to walk away. Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled to have some time just my niece and me (even if it was mere moments) but I had to ask her where the flumes came out and she gave me some throw away directions that I didn't quite hear and left me. So my niece and I figured it out ourselves. Other than that though, she never made me feel welcome or as if she wanted me there. She would throw spiteful comments around. For example, my niece is quite a strong willed (!) two year old and will sometimes just stop walking. I was trying to encourage her and held my hand out towards her, to which SIL just walked to her and said 'come on mummy's girl' and scooped her up. As if to say 'she's mine, leave her alone'. We stayed in a four bed lodge so we had a room each, I had the room downstairs as mum knew I was likely to go to bed later than everyone else so I could have the run of the lounge and the kitchen without disturbing everyone else who would have gone to bed. There wasn't a communal bathroom, all rooms were en-suite, and so my bathroom would often be used by the nephews as it was downstairs. Each time they politely asked me if they could use it which was so sweet. One evening I asked them if either of them needed the toilet as I was about to go and have a shower. To which my SIL snapped 'they're perfectly capable of going upstairs'. Well, sorry I spoke.
One morning I opened my bedroom door and went back to bed. Within minutes eldest nephew appeared at the door so I held my arms out and he came to me for a hug. The other two soon followed and we were talking on my bed, them lying on it in various random positions and me under the covers. Two minutes later she yelled at them to get off the bed as beds weren't for jumping on, they wouldn't do that at home. They weren't jumping on the bed, they were talking to me. And this isn't their home they're on holiday, heaven forbid they spend any time with just me.
There were also some rather painful conversations with my mum thrown into the mix - apparently I don't want kids enough as I'm not making the right decisions (find another fertility clinic, just sign up for adoption, I'll give you half the money for IVF etc etc) and then my brother, wow. Apparently hubby and I should work at cementing our relationship before we worry about kids, we have plenty of time. He said that I was worrying about nothing, loads of women get pregnant in their 40s and 50s. When I tried to tell him that it was probably assisted conception and/or donor eggs but people just don't talk about it, he told me not to be so ridiculous.
One evening my brother and SIL went out, just the two of them, and mum babysat. I was in the lodge at the same time but of course - I am not trusted with them. They sent a video to say goodnight to the boys, mum couldn't get it to work on her phone so I recorded their message back and sent it on. Mum then took them up to get ready for bed and I took a photo of the baby monitor to send on so they knew my niece was safely tucked up and sleeping. The response I got back? 'I thought mum was babysitting?!'. Charming.
The last day was the absolute worst though. Mum and Dad had to leave early morning on the last day as Dad had a hospital appointment, which meant it was me and them for the last few hours. We all went swimming one more time but yet again it couldn't be clearer that SIL didn't want me there. My brother took both nephews to go on a flume and so she stood with my niece at the bottom waiting for them to come out. I joined her, my niece looked at me and smiled. Seeing this, my SIL took her off to the small shallow 'Lagoon Pool' next door without a word to me. So I just stayed at the bottom of the flumes and tried not to cry.
They had lunch before they went (she'd said to the two nephews earlier, in clear earshot of me, that wouldn't it be nice if just the five of them had lunch together before they drove home and so I knew I wouldn't be welcome) and they knew there would be a wait for the table so went to the restaurant. I asked my brother if I could buy the kids something as a souvenir of the trip. SIL stayed at the restaurant and the five of us went to the shop, they all picked something and I paid. Outside the shop they all said thank you and we had big hugs and kisses goodbye. My brother isn't at all tactile so we just had a usual bye - and then they all walked off. So no final words from SIL or to her, although I know she wouldn't have said anything to me even if she had been there to say goodbye to. I took myself off to the nearest toilet and sobbed for 20 minutes. I then walked to my car and drove home.
Hubby had been doing lots of overtime at work that week as he knew he'd miss me, but on the Friday he finished early and came over with flowers. I told him a lot of this and he just didn't get it, why had I gone in the first place?! He made me promise I wouldn't go away with them ever again if this is what it did to me.
If I can give her a semblance of credit, and it does pain me to do this but still, I don't think it's personal per se. I think she just doesn't want anyone, just the five of them. Obviously her friends and family are slightly different but she has a decent enough relationship with my parents - my mum looks after the kids and my dad, despite his illnesses, has helped around the house and with various advisory things. I have absolutely no use to her whatsoever. And despite lecturing me last year on the memories she wanted her kids to make as she had such fond memories of her aunts and uncles the way she acts and the way she makes me feel absolutely contradicts those words. She's still blocked me on all social media.
So I am keeping that promise to hubby, I really am never EVER going to do anything like that again.
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