We were all over at my parents, so I managed to find a time when the four of us were together and my sister-in-law was with the kids. I started with 'I'm currently seeing someone and he makes me very happy' - my mum squealed and put her arms around me. I then looked up to catch my brother's eye, who had obviously sensed there was more to it, and when I said it was hubby the mood noticeably changed. None of them were happy for me. None of them could understand why. Apparently I have given him far too many chances and we should be divorced by now, I should have moved on.
My brother doesn't want him to see the kids for a year until he's proved himself and my mum wants a physical list of evidence of things he's done to prove he's changed. All of them are beyond sceptical, thinking I'm settling and taking the easy option. There was more but I don't have the energy to write it out, essentially they just kept asking 'why' and I kept saying 'he makes me happy' but that wasn't good enough. Ironically enough, my sister-in-law was the only one who treated me like an adult. When I told her she said she thought I was crazy but if it's what I wanted then fair enough. She just hoped he could give me everything I wanted. I said to my dad, when we had a moment one-on-one before I left, that hubby genuinely had changed and that things were different. I said there really was no way on earth I would still be with him now, after a year, if things hadn't changed. I would have kicked him to the kerb and divorced him. The fact I haven't is a good thing.
Talking to my mum after my brother had left I said I didn't want to do anything for my birthday this year (it's in a few weeks' time), I was only doing something because she wanted me to. She then said that I'd do things with friends wouldn't I, I said I hadn't decided yet (genuinely true) but that hubby was taking me out for the day - and she took offence to that. See, she said, you're fine spending time with your friends you just don't want to spend time with your family. She continued to say that maybe I shouldn't be part of such an emotionally dependent family, maybe I should move away. Yes to the first bit but I'm sorry - I like where I live and I'm not moving at the whim of family so I don't spend more time with them! How fucked up is that??!? Can't they just give me the space I need from them and not expect me to drop all my plans and see them whenever they want to get together? Oh my.
The next morning I was over there again and I had follow up conversation with mum, she was almost apoplectic and sobbing saying that all she has ever wanted was just to love her family but that I have always seen her as controlling and an ogre when all she wants to do is spend as much time with me as possible before her time is up. I said I'd never thought of her like that, if she did think that it was all in her head and then she accused me of emotional blackmail - saying that I always saw her as the bad guy when she wasn't, that I was stupid expecting them all to be ok with my decision and be happy for me. She then went on to say that when I ask her to back off (usually when I'm really busy or not in a good place so can't deal with her neediness) she does because she knows it's what I want despite it going against every fibre of her being, she is desperate to get in touch to the point where it break her heart and she doesn't sleep for worry. And she's saying all this whilst crying her eyes out. Now who's doing the emotional blackmail?! Fuck's sake.
She then moved on to slate my counsellor, she said that there was a lot of research now that showed counselling could do more harm than good as you're emotionally open to what you want to hear and everything can be twisted. She carried on to say that the one thing she loved about our family, the four of us, was the honesty. That we could be completely and utterly honest with each other. If only she knew!! I do a lot of things that are not good for me and my mental health for the sake of the family and knowing it's what they want. I am not honest about these things, about the fact we have far too much contact than my sanity can cope with. But I'd rather harm myself than hurt them so there you go.
I have never ever thought of her as controlling and nor have I ever thought of her as an ogre. I am not honest with her however, as I know it would break her heart if she knew how I really felt and so I break me instead. What I do think is that she is intrusive, emotionally needy and a drain on me to the point where, as I said before, I have to push her away and gain some distance for the sake of my own mental health. And when she says that that's when she can't sleep for worry and her heart breaks, she wonders why I lie to her about how I feel??!!?
In a very very strange way I'm actually glad that I'm not pregnant at the moment because I think if I'd told them that as well they would have exploded. Later that evening I texted my brother to see how the rest of their weekend had gone to get the reply of 'Trying to keep the conversation normal I see'. I give up.
No comments:
Post a Comment