Grinch, Bah Humbug and Grrrrrrrr...............

I am usually a festive person, really I am. Even last year, despite the events of the months previous, I looked forward to Christmas and enjoyed it more than I thought I would (the black clouds - here - came a month or so later). I am intrinsically a sunshine person (as in the type of weather, I'm not sure my nearest and dearest would describe me as a sunshine person) and yet there has always been something wonderful about snuggling inside when it's cold and dark outside, looking at twinkly decorations and putting on thousands of layers to go outside for a walk. The fresh cold air on my cheeks, the clear blue skies, the leaves to kick, the hot chocolate and mulled wine to drink. Being grateful for things, for what we have, being aware of those less fortunate and generally being of good cheer. But not this year. And I have no idea why.

It started in the last week of November, I had the most horrendous PMT (which, obviously, put me in a bad mood anyway now we are where we are) and I spent a week genuinely not knowing if I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs, violently break things, collapse into a heap sobbing or if I just wanted someone to hug me and not let go. Keeping those emotions in check at work was exhausting, fighting the urge to talk to/treat people the way I wanted to was just so draining. How I went the week without punching someone I do not know. My period came and went, but I still feel the same moving into December. I still have that massive sense of anger and right alongside it the feeling that I just want to cry. And I don't know why.

Well, I have an inkling. And it's quite pathetic really. My life just isn't what I thought it would be, I'm 40 next year. Maybe that's it. The first of my friends have started to turn 40 and so maybe that realisation is what's doing it, although I'm not convinced. Turning 40 itself really doesn't bother me, honestly it doesn't. What it does do however, is herald the decade where my fertility is about to decline massively. If it hasn't started doing that already. So maybe it's the realisation that my baby making years are disappearing more rapidly than I would like, rather than the birthday itself.

Either way things are, mainly, looking up. I moved house in September and so am no longer in my flat which held all the memories and had all the niggling things that annoyed me. But, does the new place feel like home? Not one bit. Don't get me wrong I know I will love it, it has masses of potential and I love the location and the property itself but I'm nowhere near finished unpacking, I hate the decor and there is just crap EVERYWHERE. That can be fixed, but it's not helping my current mind set. Yes, I could have spent some time on my house instead of going on holiday in October but you know what, I wanted a holiday! So we are where we are.

My family are also completely and utterly doing my head in. I love them all desperately but the only one I could ever really enjoy spending lots of time with is my dad, and now he's not well he's not the same person. My mum is claustrophobically nosey. In a heart-is-in-the-right-place way, but my God why does she need to know EVERYTHING??!???! She doesn't. And it pisses me off that she asks so many questions and is in touch with me so frequently. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Which I am well aware makes me sound completely heartless. Can you tell I'm hormonal?!

Then there's my brother and sister-in-law. I love the kids so much, I do, but I don't like spending time with them. I know they don't like me, I wish they'd just be adult enough to say that and then we can all just get on with things. She still hasn't unblocked me on FB and she's recently defriended my best friend so I have no way now of seeing what she's put up there. I broached it with my brother in September and his answer was 'what do you want me to do, it's not as if she's done it on purpose'. Which, having done some research, I have worked out that that's exactly what she's done. The restrictions she's placed on me are things you cannot just do by accident.

And now mum wants us all to go on holiday together. Really?!? Is it just the hormones making me react like this? How many other 40 year olds (as I will be when she wants us all to go) go away with their parents?!?!?! I don't want to go but I've said I will as I know it's what mum wants. It feels like it just exaggerates my situation. Which is ridiculous as all my mum wants is for us to all spend some time together whilst we still can bearing in mind how old they are and how ill my dad is, but the thought of being away with all of them doesn't bear thinking about. I'm sure in time I'll be grateful and the holiday itself will be lovely but right now I just couldn't give less of a flying fig about it.

Then there's the inevitable fall out of the announcement I need to make early next year. How they will feel when I tell them hubby and I are back together I have no idea. Well, I have an inkling....... But, quite frankly, right now I couldn't care less. Right now I want nothing to do with any of them. Altho to be honest right now I want nothing to do with anyone. At all. In the world. Ever.