The blackness is over powering. What is the point of this life??? I don't want to be with anyone else but I cannot be with him. The tears will not stop. The pain is all consuming. I do not want to feel like this but it will not go away. When does it get better? When does life become worth living again? I cannot describe the pain, I cannot live with it. There is an obvious solution but work prevents me. Is it sad that work is the only thing stopping me??? My dad is ill, so for my mum it would be one less thing to worry about if I was not here. I love my brother, and my nephews and niece mean the world to me, but I am not as involved in their lives as I would love to be due to the relationship I have with my brother. They're young enough, they'll forget me if I disappear. I do not wish to exaggerate but work would fall apart without me. No one else knows how to do my job and without me the future of around 200 young women would be at stake. To say more would give away what I do and therefore potentially who I am when I can be anonymous here. But, humbly, it is not an exaggeration. There will come a time this year when the cycle of my profession is less pressured and others could feasibly pick it up, but not yet. That time will come in July. It is seriously tempting to plan to free myself of this pain then if I still have it at that point. It is unbearable. I cannot describe the pain, I just know that I cannot live with it. Work is the only thing keeping me going and in July I have a window. By then it would have been nine months living with the pain and if it has not eased I will need an escape.
I had the two weekends away with friends that I described in my previous post. There were lovely in their own way, I'm not entirely sure I was the best company for the ladies I visited but they were a tonic. However I came home to emptiness both times. To the crashing realisation that, whilst a weekend away is lovely, it is nothing more than a sticking plaster. It doesn't fix the chasm of emptiness and blackness that envelopes me.
Everything makes me cry. Every song I hear, people I see, memories I have. Makes me remember what I lost, where I am. I miss him desperately. I hate being by myself in my flat, all the memories there, too many ghosts. I bought it a couple of months before we got together so whilst it is mine and I did live there myself for quite a long time it is inextricably linked to him. The flat is still for sale and I am desperate to sell it to be able to move on and have somewhere that is mine, a clean slate. But it seems to be easier said than done in the current market conditions sadly.
I keep arguing with him in my head. I am certain that he genuinely does think he did everything he could but in reality he made a decision - and despite saying he'd do anything for me he chose to do nothing even though he knew that would result in losing me. How do you think that makes me feel?! It's a terrible feeling and these are the discussions going round and round and round in my head. Despite all this, in just over two weeks' time we go on holiday together. Even with all my anger I can absolutely forgive him as I know it is just how he is made, it's not something he's done on purpose or was malicious about. I cannot forget how he made (and still makes) me feel however so there is no going back. But nevertheless we have ten days abroad at the end of this month. I have told everyone I am going away by myself. They won't understand and I don't have the energy to explain. They keep calling me brave, I feel like a fraud. But I am absolutely categorically not repeating what happened at New Year. I just hope the arguments in my head don't spill out of my mouth. I don't want to hurt him. I still care for him deeply and hurting him is an equally horrible feeling that I don't want to have on top of everything else. Let's hope it's just some time in the sun with a good friend, a good book and a good rest.
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