Mid Term Review: Spelling It Out

So, dear readers. You'll remember (hopefully) that after I went a bit mental we said we'd give ourselves a month. I said I wanted actions not words. Last night we had what we decided to call a 'mid term review'. This came about as, yet again, it appeared to me that it is too much hassle for hubby to want to save this. Let me give you a flavour of what has been happening -

A week after my bat shit crazy episode (which you can read about here) we decided to go for a drink after work - the idea to do so came from him. Brilliant I thought. He even texted me during the day to remind me to let him know which train home from work I would be on. So I text him as I'm leaving London on the train to be told - "Great, see you in the pub". Huh??! Now, please don't get me wrong, normally I would have absolutely no issue with that whatsoever. But in our incredibly precarious position he is supposed to be showing me that he wants this to work. Plus he would actually have to walk past the station to get to the pub!! So I replied and said that I thought he was going to meet me at the station, he said he would do that instead. I started to explain, as we walked from the station to the pub, that there was a difference between meeting me at the station and meeting me at the pub. His exact words? "I don't see that there is" I tried to elaborate but he got defensive and began to pull, wretch even, his hand out of mine. I clung on to it and the moment passed.

Another thing I have done is spoken to him about us spending some time together. Days out or weekends/days away. It didn't have to be anything spectacular, but I wanted him to initiate it. Again, I need to see actions not words. I need to see that he wants this. In conversation I've mentioned places I'd love to go (nothing overly far flung, just exhibitions and museums and the like) as well as sending him a couple of emails from those websites that like publishing lists of things. You know the ones! The emails I sent him were those ones that listed around 10 places that were "things to do/days out within an hour of London", that kind of thing. Some cost money, some were free. Nothing particularly complicated. All just needed a bit of organisation and a conversation about it.

We had a lovely time in the pub after that initial moment had passed. On the way home I told him that our annual leave chart had come out for the Easter Holidays (I don't teach but I do work in education and so annual leave works slightly differently to how it does elsewhere) and I asked him if I needed to take any time off. The reply? "I don't think so, no". So, no thoughts of having some time together then?

What we are now is flatmates. We have great conversation and similar interests but that's it. And whilst we also have very similar values with regards family, politics, money etc. there is a distinct sense that something is lacking that would make it more than a friendship. We have common goals and values, but he shows ambition at work whilst he doesn't show it at home and in our relationship. Whilst I want to say that we're a blend of two souls I'm not convinced we actually are since we have not flexed and adapted TOGETHER to our world post trying for kids. I'm not sure the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

I also have two fundamental issues that I am really struggling to get over. Firstly, how we spent two years not having sex whilst he went on and on and on about children and how he had to get me pregnant soon. All the while not addressing the issues, or even admitting that there were issues, stopping that from happening. When I finally got tired of it all it still took me six months to persuade him it wasn't right for a marriage to be like this.

Secondly, since we have spoken about separating I have seen not one ounce of fight in him that shows me he wants this. He still says the right things but his actions absolutely tell a different story. What makes this even more horrible, if that were even possible, is that I'm pretty sure he genuinely thinks he is trying. That he's doing everything he can. And I really do believe that he thinks that he is. It's just that in my eyes he's not and I can't keep telling him that as it's just mean. Nor can I keep carrying this relationship when I'm so unhappy. I cannot keep going round in these circles waiting for him to understand what I mean and what I'd like to see in him. In us, in our relationship. I don't think he knows how. I don't think, for whatever reason, he has the tools or is capable of what I'm asking. And I'm tired of the rollercoaster. I can't do it anymore.

He can fight though, I have seem him do it for his family. When his grandfather was in a nursing home during the last years of his life he was mistreated. Hubby couldn't do enough - phone calls and letters to MPs, the local papers, the company that owned the care home. He wouldn't let it go until he had a satisfactory outcome. His mother is registered disabled and cannot work, a couple of times she has had letters saying that she can work and her benefits will be changed. Again, he couldn't have done enough to try and rectify this. His aunt also had issues when she was in a hospice before she died last year, again he fought her corner. He just can't seem to fight for me. He did once however.

When we first got together almost nine years ago we were together for only three weeks before he ended things saying it didn't feel right to him. I knew he was being an idiot but I also knew that he was young and inexperienced with relationships so I let it go. Within 24 hours he had texted me to tell me he'd made a huge mistake. I said to him that I couldn't be strung along, he had to be absolutely sure that if we got back together he wouldn't end things again a few weeks later. So I told him to leave me alone and think, said I wanted two weeks of absolutely no contact so he could get his head together. He ignored that and fought for me - frequently sending me texts telling me he was thinking about me and how wrong he'd been to end things. I caved after ten days and we've been together ever since. But, for whatever reason, fight utterly eludes him now. It seems he doesn't know how to fight for this and would rather lose me than find out.

So, as gut wrenchingly horrifically painful as this is, it was getting to the stage when I thought I had to let him go. I can't keep doing this to either of us. I love him but I want a version of him that I think doesn't, can't, exist. And I cannot put myself through the emotional wringer anymore. There comes a time when I have to say stop, to jump off the bandwagon and let things roll away. I hate that it has come to this.  Absolutely and completely hate it. It hurts. Like you wouldn't believe. But I have to do this. The number of times I have been in floods of guttural tears in the past two weeks has been far too many.

And then last night the topic of our deadline came up. He said I went quiet every time he mentioned it and was worried that it meant I had made my mind up and he clearly can't do all I want him to do. He said he thought it was too hard and that maybe he should just walk away. He said he was scared shitless that in three months time (when the lease on our current place runs out) that he'd be homeless with nowhere to go other than his parents sofa. Again I broke down, of course I don't what this you idiot!! But you have still not done anything. To which he said he'd done everything I'd asked him to. Which isn't strictly true but at the same time he has done a lot of the things I have asked him to. When I have been specific. All I have done about our current situation is say that I need him to give me actions not words. For whatever reason (lack of intellect, lack of relationship experience, immaturity) he doesn't know what those actions are.

So it made me think. He can't show initiative but can do things if I spell them out clearly. If that's just a personality trait he has then I need to change how I'm dealing with the situation. So, I gave him concrete examples of things he could have done by now. Of things he can start to do now. Nothing major, I don't want big romantic gestures, I just want him to show that he's thinking of me - that he is putting me first and that he cares about how I feel. Sticking his head in the sand for two years showed me he didn't care one jot and he just needs to reverse that.

After these discussions I went out to my weekly dance class and whilst I was out he did two things that I have wanted him to do for ages. Things I haven't said explicitly before last night but have waited for him to work out that I want him to do. So maybe this time he finally understands. Maybe this time I will see change. The trouble is I am well aware that I have said those words before. Many many many times. And I absolutely do not want to be one of those women who just keeps going making more and more excuses for staying in the relationship.

This is exhausting and I cannot keep going round in these circles. But what I can do is absolutely spell out what I need and hope that he follows that. That pattern I can cope with. Let's hope that this time genuinely is different. I do not want to keep typing those words. I want this to be the one that does it for us. Otherwise I really am going to have to walk away.

Nothing To Lose: Let's Get Hysterical

Ok. Maybe, just maybe, I spoke a little bit too soon about my other post being my last. I seem to be here again......


I absolutely and completely lost my shit the other night. I was crying so much I was convulsing. I was hysterical. I hate this. I do not want to separate. But I had so many questions - I don't understand and I couldn't carry on like this. If he loves me as he says he does, why is he doing nothing to save this? To show me he wants it? He's doing absolutely nothing. There's no fight in him. At all. And I don't understand it. Why did he not think, for two years, to say something about the lack of sex and the fact he was scared? Why did it take me to spot things and persuade him, really persuade him, that things weren't right?

I have had a stinking cold since Sunday but have had to go into work for reasons I won't bore you with. I lost count of the number of people who said to me on Monday 'are you really sure you should be here?' - I just felt like death. I don't think I've ever felt that bad. I left work as soon as I could on Monday and was at home by 5.30pm, I took my shoes off and just crawled into bed, fully clothed. I slept until 9pm, got up for some food and then went back to bed and slept straight through until well after my alarm had gone off the following morning. Hubby said he'd never seen me so ill - and was wonderful. Truly truly wonderful.

He still cares then. So why, usually, doesn't he show it???!?!? I'm sick to death of the words, why are there no actions?! It feels like he's just coasting and not fighting. I feel like he's given up on us. So I lost it and I told him so. I really went for it. I had nothing to lose and so I really did go absolutely bat-shit crazy.

He said he thought I'd made up my mind and wanted to separate and that was it. I asked him why he isn't trying to make me change my mind then. He said he didn't know how to. It was just easier for him to say we're separating as he thought that was what I wanted. I asked him why there was no fight, why it felt like he'd given up. He said he didn't think my mind could be changed.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's like he doesn't possess the tools to know what to do. Doesn't know where to start. It's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that he has always always gone for the easy option to have an easy life. Always. Fighting for something clearly does not come naturally. But he has to learn. If he wants to save this, he has to learn. No more words, I need actions. He pretty much admitted to me that telling me he was making the decision to separate was the easy option and that was the one and only reason he'd said it. He wanted the easy way out. I got mad again. Who on earth has ever lost what they truly wanted just because the easy option was not to fight for it???!?

I think he finally gets it. Altho I do realise I've said that before..... I can only hope that this time, finally, it might be different. Hope. I think it's all I've got left. We've become stagnant and he's just got lazier and lazier as he can't be bothered to do anything and/or just doesn't know how to. He said he's going to make changes. I said let's review in a month's time. I need him to stop saying and start doing. Let's see if he actually does that. In a month's time we have both said we will look, assess and see what's changed. If anything. There's also the option to say let's give it another month if things are at least moving in the right direction but aren't quite there yet. If nothing has changed then I can legitimately know he can't change and that there was nothing else I could do.

My sincere apologies to you all for labouring you under the misapprehension that you'd got rid of me :D I might be around for a bit longer after all.......

The Last Post

Well. We're five sessions in now with our counsellor. In my individual session I was very honest about where I thought the issues lay. We then had our first couples session after each of our individual sessions and again, I was honest. I said everything. Everything.

To give hubby a huge amount of credit he just took it. I was incredibly impressed with, ironically, the level maturity in how he dealt with it all. He showed a maturity that I genuinely didn't think he had. I was expecting anger, defensiveness or at the very least for him to sulk for a while. But no. He admitted not liking where we currently lived and therefore 'giving up' on it which is why our home had got into the state it was in. And, after that first session, we had a very good week/ten days. I felt like a weight had lifted and he finally knew where I was coming from.

When we went back to the counsellor the following week however she started pushing things I am not comfortable with. Yes, I felt that after that first session we made good progress and had some real breakthroughs. However, she is pushing something called Sensate Focus which I am absolutely not ready for. If you've not heard of it, it's a technique pioneered by Masters and Johnson which involves 'sensual touching'. I shudder at the thought. As the counsellor mentioned in our first session after our individual ones it feels as if we are in a 'parental and child' relationship - and I hasten to add that they are just names of relationship roles rather than to be taken literally!!! And I still am not sure if we're out of that. Yes, we made some really good progress after that session but I cannot at all focus on fixing the sex until I know there is progress in our relationship - one good week does not cancel out two shitty years.

I just want to take one step at a time and felt like she was going far too fast for me. It made me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to go two steps forward then five steps back!!! I said all of this in the session and yet she still pushed it. I know she is a psycho sexual counsellor but surely she should also be relationship counsellor, no?! We need to fix us. Then we can look at sorting our sex life.

There is a part of me that thinks this is all just too much hassle. No, I don't want to walk away with any regrets and I absolutely don't want to throw it away if it can be fixed but should it really be this hard?! And if I'm thinking that, do I want to fix it if I'm not sure I want to put the effort in?! Who knows. It's all just so confusing at the moment.

The good feeling after first week/ten days has definitely worn off. The short term high I felt once that weight had been lifted and everything was out in the open has disappeared and I'm back to being unhappy. I said as much to hubby over the weekend. He decided that I was clearly never going to make the decision so he would. We're separating. We've told our parents and we're looking at alternative accommodation. We've cancelled our next booked session with the counsellor. We'll have to live together in the short term but long term this is it. I've said we'll review in maybe six months' time but I'm not confident. He just seemed resigned to the fact. So there you go.

I'm not sure there's any point blogging any more bearing in mind where we are. This started out as an infertility blog and I'm incredibly grateful to all of you who have read, commented and got in touch with me over the last three years. But I'm not sure what the point of continuing this blog is. It's a wonderful outlet for my feelings and for me to think things through, putting things in writing always seemed to make things so much clearer for me. But I can do that without posting it here and subjecting you lot to it :D

So there we go. Thank you all and goodnight.