November musings

Apologies, it's taken a while to get round to this! Various thoughts from various points in November below, something more recent to follow.

Another strange day today (altho by the time I post this it'll be tomorrow - I won't bore you with why! It's all to do with different laptops :D ). Seem to be feeling more and more tearful. I was in such a good mood when I got home from work, and then that all changed.

My mum and my brother are starting to bug me about Christmas, what we're doing as well as when and with whom. We have our appointment with the consultant in the fertility clinic in early December and I just can't go past that at the moment. I can't think about Christmas, presents or plans, until I know where we are with 'things'.

I’m sure I’ll get in to the Christmas spirit eventually, I certainly seem in a better mood generally at the moment, but I guess I just want to take one day at a time!

I’m starting to get annoyed with friends too…. People seem to focus on the small things, some of my girlfriends are trying to arrange a Christmas meet-up in town with all of us but now we’re scattered round the home counties it’s far more difficult than it should be. The conversations are controlled by the two that don’t work and are stay-at-home-mums (which never really helps me in dealing with them!) and so they just permanently sit on their emails all day bossing the rest of us around. Picking the restaurant that suits them best from where they're coming from and ignoring the rest of us when we suggest things as it’s too far for them to come. They don’t even consider the places they’re suggesting, that are good for them, might not work for the rest of us.

I guess I’m just a bit ratty at the moment! More than likely PMT?! Lovely. Yet another person I know is pregnant though, and it’s one of those ‘we were and we weren’t trying’ couples….

A Mixed Few Weeks

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything and while in some respects not a lot has happened, in other respects a lot has happened.

I have had my eyes opened to a couple of things, first another blogger going through similar experiences to my own - http://unpreggoeggo.blogspot.co.uk/  which was incredibly uplifting to read. To know it's not just me, naive as it sounds, there are sometimes it seems as if you're the only one going through something like this as everyone is so happy - and getting pregnant. It was also lovely to read the blog as it's reassuring that other people are finding ways through this. The few people that do know have almost laughed at the fact this seems to be the 'unspeakable' subject. No one talks about it.

Secondly I read a very moving article about friends of friends that went through a very difficult time with their son. The story is here http://kabukiuk.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=46&Itemid=55   and again is heartwarming. It's also a timely reminder that whilst some people are incredibly fortunate that they can fall pregnant, it isn't always that simple.

We've also taken a bit of a momentous decision this month. We've decided not to lie any more. It has taken it's toll on both of us to keep pretending all is ok. Whenever anyone mentions children we've just laughed and said "am sure we will at some point! plenty of time" but it's just getting harder and harder to say, and it is taking more and more effort to put that mask. So we've said that if anyone asks, we'll be honest. There are some people who have been incredibly thoughtful, they know we want kids and have been married over two years so it has already crossed their mind that we might be having problems. It's easier talking to these kind of people, those that know it isn't always rosy behind closed doors just because you open that door with a smile on your face.

We've also found out that more friends are pregnant. Which is weird - I am always always pleased for these people, please don't get me wrong! I would hate anyone else to go through what we are going through and so I'm always thrilled when friends tell me they're pregnant. Trouble is the last couple to do so were more unexpected. That's all. I knew they'd have kids at some point, but they've been married only just for one year and whenever they've been around children they've always made comments about having no idea what to do with them! I'm sure they will make fantastic parents, and like I say I am thrilled for them, but for some reason that one has hit me harder.

So there you go. Unfortunately I'm under time pressure at the moment so will need to leave this one here. Am sure there will be more to come soon, but for now - take care folks xx

A tearful Friday

No idea why, but feeling incredibly tearful today. I feel low, with no particular reason, other than things just don't seem to be going to plan. I'm not fulfilled at work at the moment either, which I imagine isn't helping, and I want to apply for other roles. Outside the company ideally, I've been with the same firm for about seven years now in various different roles and I can't help thinking it's time for a change. There's only one issue - the maternity package that my company offers is absurdly good. I'd be daft to walk away from that and into a new job where, if I'm lucky, I'd just get statutory.

Trouble is, obviously, I have no idea if/when I'll get pregnant.... And hubby's argument is that I should be happy, so sod the maternity package and find another job. I'm lucky in that the segment I work in does have vacancies, although there's obviously no guarantee I'd be successful in getting one of them. I do see his point, I really do, and I've seen a couple of jobs that I'm tempted to apply for anyway just for the hell of it. Whether that's fair on those employers advertising those positions is of course a whole different argument altogether! The last thing I want I guess is to get a new job, find out I'm pregnant, and then regret that new job because we'd then have to struggle with the package I was on - hubby sadly doesn't earn much, so there's never been any point in having that kind of discussion. I would always have to go back to work, and more than likely full time, with hubby going part-time or quitting work to take over childcare. It just makes sense with the jobs we both have.

So I think that might be what's getting me down today, I've seen a couple of jobs I want to apply for. Ones that would, I think, make me happier and I'd actually enjoy. But I don't think I should apply for them. The future just seems on hold. Until I know what's happening with 'things' I don't know whether I should just get my head down and stay where I am because of the package they offer, or whether things aren't going to happen for ages. In which case sod it - I want that new job.

Ho hum. Still, it's Friday and the weekend starts in a few hours time.....

Take care folks xx

The HSG and beyond......

Apologies to not update this sooner! It's been quite a couple of weeks....

So, I finally had the HSG last week. I imagine, if all goes to plan, the procedure is uncomfortable but not too traumatic. For those that don't know what is supposed to happen is slightly similar to a smear, in that a speculum is inserted to start off with. Then a tube is passed through the cervix, dye inserted, and an X-Ray taken. This is supposed to show if there are any blockages in the fallopian tubes. Before the procedure, the literature I was given had said that I might have some mild cramping when the dye is inserted so if I wanted to I could take my 'regular menstrual medication' an hour beforehand if I wanted to.

Well. It didn't exactly go to plan. Hubby came with me, which was great, not sure I could have done it on my own. I'd initially wanted him to come into the room with me, but by the time we got to the hospital I was undecided. I was told to wait in the corridor, which I did, and then an elderly nurse came over and instructed me to change. This was the first thing that was unsettling. I thought, being similar to a smear, I'd go in fully clothed and just taken off my jeans and knickers when I got in there. Clearly not. Everything off except bra and shoes, and on instead went a very lovely hospital gown. I sat down to wait again, feeling ever so slightly self conscious! When I was called in I decided I wanted to do this on my own, a brave face is harder to put on if you have loved ones around I've found, so hubby waited back in the corridor.

In I went. A bit of a questionnaire first: had I started the course of antibiotics (they give you seven days worth to prevent infection - and yes I had), had I refrained from intercourse since my period had started (yes, as instructed) and was I allergic to anything. I then signed the form and went to the bed. I lay down, put my feet together and opened my knees. These things are always so ladylike! The second nurse (I'm sure she has a proper name!) then took over and in went the speculum, freezing cold! These things are never warm I know, but I've not had one that cold! I was sure it was opened wider than it normally is for a smear, it seemed to feel more uncomfortable than I was expecting. But that may have been me, I wasn't exactly relaxed.

I was then told that something was blocking the entrance to the uterus. No idea what, but it meant they couldn't get the tube in. There was then quite a few minutes of moving and twisting the speculum, spatulas going in and cleaning, and other general unpleasantness. This was now hurting and I was struggling not to cry with the emotional weight of it all.  Eventually they got the tube in, and then the dye came. Now, maybe I'm lucky with the period cramps I get, but sweet Lord I have not had cramps like that. I'm not sure any painkillers (I had just taken some ibuprofen before we'd left the house) would have taken the edge off it. By this time I was in tears, but apparently the dye didn't want to go in so more was pumped through the tube. More cramps.

The poor guy taking the X-Ray could clearly see the discomfort I was in. He apologetically told me that he couldn't get a good picture, and could I perhaps raise my bottom with a cushion? There being no cushions in the room, I put my hands under my bottom in an attempt to raise things up and get him the picture he needed. There were further issues as the tube came out, at which point he said to me that we could stop any time I wanted to. I just kept repeating what I had said to the nurses when they had earlier asked if I was ok - I'm fine. In my head I am thinking that this needs to be done, I am going to get it done no matter how much it hurts. I am not doing this again.

Eventually, with more dye added (and therefore more cramping) he got an X-Ray. I'm still not convinced that it's going to be what they needed though, there was some talk as more and more dye was being pumped through my cervix that my right fallopian tube wasn't playing ball. But I think he could see the distress I was in and just wanted to get something, so I do fear that I will have to go through it again. If I do, I'm asking to be sedated!!!

The weirdest thing though was actually being able to see it all on the screen myself - all my bits in black and white above my head. Most bizarre. Still, an X-Ray was at least taken. According to hubby I was in there for 20minutes. I came out, saw him, and just collapsed on him in tears. I got changed (with an added sanitary towel to catch the dye that would escape all day) and we left the hospital. I got cramps on and off all day, and felt sore for a couple of hours afterwards.

The few friends that I told about having this procedure done had mixed reactions. Most were lovely, humorous even, but a couple (inevitably, those that already had children) said that they could sympathise as they were poked and prodded like never before when they were pregnant! This attitude actually annoys me, on two levels. Firstly, how can you sympathise when you have children and have no realistic idea of what I'm actually going through?! And secondly, I am well aware of all manner of pokings and proddings needed when one is pregnant - but that is because you are pregnant, and you get a baby at the end of it. There was no such 'prize' (as it were) at the end of my poking and prodding session.

Still - it's done now. And if I am lucky, I won't have to do it again. It concerns me slightly that there was a blockage at the entrance to the uterus, and that they couldn't get the tube through my cervix, and then of course there was the right fallopian tube apparently playing hide-and-seek. But hey, if they got the picture they needed (and presumably the report that will go with it) then they will know all this and we'll be advised accordingly. At least if it was one of those three things you like to think it's a relatively easy job to fix...? Not that we'll find out for a while. When I phoned the day after I was told that they didn't have any appointments with a consultant until next year. Good old NHS. Although to be fair I shouldn't bad mouth them too much, we've had a fair amount done since we were first referred in May. Anyway, miracle of miracles there was a lone appointment in December - clearly someone else had cancelled. So that's when we're off to find out what happens next.

I actually quite like the fact that it's not happening too soon. Gives us some time to try and do it ourselves still, without the aid of medical intervention, but it also takes the pressure off a bit. We've decided not to 'actively' try for the next couple of months. If that makes sense!! If it happens it happens, but I will not be looking at dates and pining hubby down as soon as he gets in from work during a certain week.

So there you go. That's where we are now. Further updates to follow no doubt, but for now - take care folks xx

A Bad Day

Well, today was a pretty bad day. No idea why, but I just seemed more sensitive to things. Wherever I looked I saw babies, small people and pregnant ladies. I just kept saying to myself "Why can't I get pregnant?!".

Well, I say no idea. I might have a small idea why. I'm still having really bad period pains, almost as if my body is taunting me. Reminding me that it's still not happened. And to top it all off, I argued with hubby in the evening. Over absolutely nothing. So, after I'd been out later in the evening, I cried all the way home.

But hey ho, tomorrow is another day. Must be positive!!

Take care folks xx

A little bit more about things.....

After the background and introductions, a little bit more to fill out the picture. I just don't know where else to put everything that I'm feeling. The heartbreak every month is horrific. People not knowing is also difficult, sometimes I think it would be good to talk but at the same time I don't want to discuss it. I'm very good at putting a front on for the outside world, perhaps too good, and maybe it's just easier when people don't know.

I'm taking all the vitamins, I even have hubby taking some concoction of all manner of pills. Even tho he's fine according to all the tests! It has to be me. The worst thing is not knowing tho, if I knew what it was I could do something about it but not knowing is just worse because you don't know what to do. I think I've had three early miscarriages. I'm very lucky with my cycle, I can always predict when my period is going to arrive within 24hrs (usually within 12!) and I'm never late. Except three times. October 2012 I was three days late, January 2013 I was four days late (and abroad for work, miles away from hubby. That one was the worst) and then this month, September 2013, I was seven days late. Seven days. That's unheard of for me.

I am still drinking, which I realise a lot of people will frown upon, but I gave up for three months at the start of this year and that didn't make a difference. So I'd rather relax with a drink every now and again, or enjoy myself when we go out, then feel miserable not drinking at all. And it's not as if I'm drinking a bottle of wine every weekend or as if I'm drinking every day! But that's about it really. I eat a balanced, healthy diet (mainly anyway! Who can't resist a bit of chocolate or some ice cream occasionally?!) and I exercise regularly. Yes, I am a little overweight. About half a stone, maybe a stone tops. But I've tried losing it for two years and no diet works. I've tried the 5:2 thing (six weeks, lost nothing), I've tried upping my exercise and I've tried Slimfast (which surely isn't healthy long term anyway?!) and nothing works. I currently use an app on my phone to count my calories - usually around 1200 a day. And there are days I struggle to hit that! But still the weight won't come off. My husband was convinced I had a thyroid problem, that that would explain not only the weight loss issue but also the fact we couldn't seem to conceive. But it was one of the first things they tested for in my initial blood tests and apparently not.

So there we are. Still, just the HSG to go and we get to see a consultant. Let's all try and stay positive shall we?

Take care folks xx

Introduction and background.

Well, this isn't something I thought I would do. But I find myself increasingly despondent, with not many people I can talk about this to - and, to be honest, of those that do know I don't really want to talk to most of them about it. So here I am.

I've no idea if I can have children - I don't have any. We've been trying for over 18 months now, and about six months ago went to the doctor to see if it was normal to be trying for a year without success. She said most people conceive within 6-12 months, and promptly booked us in for some tests.

Hubby was fine, he's younger than me so it's to be expected really. They couldn't initially find anything wrong with me tho - they were as sure as they could be that I was ovulating, and that there were enough eggs. There were two measures that told them this, I had two blood tests (one on day three and one on day 23 of my cycle) and my progesterone level was 27. It should be 30 apparently but the doctor was happy with that. And my FSH hormone level was 3.8, again this was ok as anywhere around a reading of 10 means that the hormone in the brain is trying very hard to push eggs out. As long as it's low, all is as it should be. If there were a problem with my eggs, or there weren't many of them, this hormone would have a high reading. So there we go. Nothing initially.

We were then referred to a specialist clinic. We went through family history, of mine and his, and went thought the next steps. I had a cervical smear there and then (lovely - since I had no idea that was going to happen and wasn't prepared or psyched up for it!) to test for Chlamydia, and was booked in for further blood tests. They weren't happy with the figure of 27 for my progesterone and so that is being retested - likewise my FSH hormone due to my age (I'm mid-30s). I was also booked in for tests on Gonorrhoea, Syphilis and other such lovelies.

Those tests came and went, meanwhile we kept trying and still nothing. The blood tests are all done, I have one left before we are referred to a consultant. And that's an HSG - Hysterosalpingogram. Which I am really not looking forward to. I was really hoping we would get pregnant before I could phone up and book it - last month I was 7 days late and we were so full of hope. But then the inevitable happened. For those that don't know, this test starts off like a smear - but then x ray dye is injected through the cervix and an x ray taken, to ensure my tubes are clear. I am not looking forward to it in anyway shape or form.

So there you go, that's where we are now. I seem to be surrounded by pregnant people, and children. I don't wish to sound bitter, I genuinely am not, I wish every human being all the happiness in the world. I just don't know why it doesn't seem to be happening for us. I have a friend, who falls pregnant at the drop of a hat. She has three now - all boys. She wants a girl. The fact she has no issues conceiving doesn't seem to even cross her mind, she wants to pick the sex. Right now I'd settle for a baby with nine fingers and nine toes just to have one. Which makes me sound so desperate! Which I'm not sure I am, I am incredibly lucky in my life. Decent job, solid marriage, lovely family and friends. And if that's my lot then fair enough, I'm sure it will be a lot more than many others have.

It really wouldn't be the end of the world if we couldn't have children, we have nieces and nephews and our cousins have children. As do a lot of our friends. If the end of this road came we would probably adopt, there are so many unloved children in the world there is something inherently selfish about going to the ends of the earth just to have your own baby when there are unloved children desperate for a home and family. And I do mean the ends of the earth - I'm sure I could cope with one or two rounds of IVF (if we get that far) but after that I'm not sure I could do it to myself. It's heartbreaking enough every month at the moment, I couldn't keep going through that.

Well the HSG is booked for next week, and since I can count on one hand the number of people who know what we're going through I guess I'll be back here to tell you all about it. This has been pretty cathartic to be honest, it's great to get this all out finally. As time goes on I'm sure there will be more, this was just to get you up to speed with where we are now.

Take care folks xx