Well, this isn't something I thought I would do. But I find myself increasingly despondent, with not many people I can talk about this to - and, to be honest, of those that do know I don't really want to talk to most of them about it. So here I am.
I've no idea if I can have children - I don't have any. We've been trying for over 18 months now, and about six months ago went to the doctor to see if it was normal to be trying for a year without success. She said most people conceive within 6-12 months, and promptly booked us in for some tests.
Hubby was fine, he's younger than me so it's to be expected really. They couldn't initially find anything wrong with me tho - they were as sure as they could be that I was ovulating, and that there were enough eggs. There were two measures that told them this, I had two blood tests (one on day three and one on day 23 of my cycle) and my progesterone level was 27. It should be 30 apparently but the doctor was happy with that. And my FSH hormone level was 3.8, again this was ok as anywhere around a reading of 10 means that the hormone in the brain is trying very hard to push eggs out. As long as it's low, all is as it should be. If there were a problem with my eggs, or there weren't many of them, this hormone would have a high reading. So there we go. Nothing initially.
We were then referred to a specialist clinic. We went through family history, of mine and his, and went thought the next steps. I had a cervical smear there and then (lovely - since I had no idea that was going to happen and wasn't prepared or psyched up for it!) to test for Chlamydia, and was booked in for further blood tests. They weren't happy with the figure of 27 for my progesterone and so that is being retested - likewise my FSH hormone due to my age (I'm mid-30s). I was also booked in for tests on Gonorrhoea, Syphilis and other such lovelies.
Those tests came and went, meanwhile we kept trying and still nothing. The blood tests are all done, I have one left before we are referred to a consultant. And that's an HSG - Hysterosalpingogram. Which I am really not looking forward to. I was really hoping we would get pregnant before I could phone up and book it - last month I was 7 days late and we were so full of hope. But then the inevitable happened. For those that don't know, this test starts off like a smear - but then x ray dye is injected through the cervix and an x ray taken, to ensure my tubes are clear. I am not looking forward to it in anyway shape or form.
So there you go, that's where we are now. I seem to be surrounded by pregnant people, and children. I don't wish to sound bitter, I genuinely am not, I wish every human being all the happiness in the world. I just don't know why it doesn't seem to be happening for us. I have a friend, who falls pregnant at the drop of a hat. She has three now - all boys. She wants a girl. The fact she has no issues conceiving doesn't seem to even cross her mind, she wants to pick the sex. Right now I'd settle for a baby with nine fingers and nine toes just to have one. Which makes me sound so desperate! Which I'm not sure I am, I am incredibly lucky in my life. Decent job, solid marriage, lovely family and friends. And if that's my lot then fair enough, I'm sure it will be a lot more than many others have.
It really wouldn't be the end of the world if we couldn't have children, we have nieces and nephews and our cousins have children. As do a lot of our friends. If the end of this road came we would probably adopt, there are so many unloved children in the world there is something inherently selfish about going to the ends of the earth just to have your own baby when there are unloved children desperate for a home and family. And I do mean the ends of the earth - I'm sure I could cope with one or two rounds of IVF (if we get that far) but after that I'm not sure I could do it to myself. It's heartbreaking enough every month at the moment, I couldn't keep going through that.
Well the HSG is booked for next week, and since I can count on one hand the number of people who know what we're going through I guess I'll be back here to tell you all about it. This has been pretty cathartic to be honest, it's great to get this all out finally. As time goes on I'm sure there will be more, this was just to get you up to speed with where we are now.
Take care folks xx
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