This Path of Self Destruction That I Choose for Myself.

Well, this is difficult to write. The past couple of weeks have been incredibly eye-opening.

I sit here pretty much close to tears, and whilst I admit I may not be entirely sober, the old adage of things coming to light clearly whence otherwise they might be blurry comes to mind.

My oldest group of girlfriends are meeting up again on Monday. Without me. I was not invited. The girl who is organising it is the girl I speak of here, the one who is going to California in January for gender selective IVF. The gathering has been organised through Facebook messenger, which I have bemoaned of in the past. I cannot get on Facebook at work (due to the nature of my employment it is a banned site) and I refuse to install FB messenger on my phone due to all the various connotations of what is involved and what privacy you give up during the download. Therefore I have frequently said to my friends that, whilst they may organise things through FB, it is always best to text me as well. And at every other meet up this has been done. Right up to the meet up in October when I finally opened up to said friend and admitted that I couldn't be around her at this current moment in time. Up until I admitted that to her I had been texted about any meet up despite a FB conversation running parallel.

For this December meet up I was not included in the messages. No one texted me to let me know it was happening. I found out when and where due to second hand conversations with other friends. The reason being banded about for me not going is that I refuse to participate in FB messenger conversations (bollocks, this has been the case for years and previously they have just texted me instead) or that I 'cannot cope' with the large en masse group meet ups when they talk about nothing but children (again, bollocks. This may have been the case last year when things were more raw but I have got a lot better this year and made at least one of said group meet ups. Not the issue it was anymore). It irks like you wouldn't believe that these things are being said behind my back. These assumptions that are not true, that not one of them has the balls to actually confront me about and ask if that is indeed that case.

The one and only reason that I have not been invited to this particular meet up is that the person organising it knows I do not want to be around her. No. Other. Reason. And not only that, the organiser has not admitted to the group why. Which is, I imagine, why the other reasons I outlined above are being banded about. There is one and one reason only why I do not want to go - her. And as she is organising it she cannot admit to that. If someone asks why I am not there it is clearly easier for her to make up an excuse rather than to say 'she doesn't want to be around me at the moment'.

Now, I feel at this point I should admit something to you dear reader. I am not exactly sober. I have had a particularly rubbish week at work. That has exacerbated my feelings. Does that mean that the basis in which my feelings lie are rubbish? No. Absolutely not. Does that mean I may well have not picked the best words and might have overreacted slightly to current events? Yes, that is entirely likely. However, in the same breath that does not make my feelings worthless. It does not make the rawness and pain in my heart any less real. That these girls, who I have known for twenty years now, who I opened my heart up to earlier this year and let them know exactly what we were going through, I feel I am drifting from. I feel they no longer understand where I am coming from. Where I am.

Is this self imposed? Is that the old-fashioned self-fulfilling prophecy? That I am clearly not worthy of good things. That I don't deserve anything that I'd actually like to have. That someone somewhere has decided that I shouldn't have a family, that I shouldn't have what most people hold dear. That I am destined to be alone (which is horseshite, I have a wonderful family and the most absolutely truly amazing husband) and that this suffering is actually enjoyable.Therefore I destroy these things, therefore I don't have them, therefore I was not worthy of them in the first place. The old vicious circle. Is this wallowing in self pity? Not entirely. Is this raising the ghosts of a very very troubled teenage years? More than likely.

It may not also help that I have hardly seen hubby this week. With various Christmas do's and catch ups with friends, and his shifts, I last saw him properly on Tuesday evening and (aside from possibly a brief hug tomorrow morning if he gets home in time) I won't see him properly now until Sunday lunchtime. He fixes me. He knows what to do, what to say, and he always makes things better. I feel the timing of these feelings inside me and his current shift patten could not have been worse.

Maybe I am better off alone. I don't wish to sound as if I'm being self-absorbed, really I don't, but there has always been - and quite possible still is - a self destructive streak within me. Do I want to destroy these friendships as I believe I'm better off without? Just because they don't understand what I'm going through I should cut them loose? I don't know. There are members of the group who I truly love and have been absolutely wonderful friends through the darkest hours of the past year or two. But the arrangement of this meet up has brought things into sharp focus. It has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

I hope to get past it. I hope to go back to how things were. Even, eventually, with my friend who is off to sunnier climes for dubious reasons in January. On one hand I am forever the optimist, that things will work out and we'll all be friends again. On the other hand I feel so alone that I want nothing to do with any of them. Oh the contradictions I live with. Plus ca change.

Self Protection and the Art of Avoidance

Howdy.

I appear to be borrowing from other media outlets quite a bit of late (see my twitter feed or my secondary infertility post here) but I recently came across this:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/31/mothers-stop-moaning-about-motherhood

Wow. Just wow. The pain in that is all too raw and, whilst I am not exactly in the same boat as I am very happily married, I can certainly relate to an awful lot of what she has to say.

Her opening gambit -

"Last week, I received an upsetting email about a pregnant acquaintance. Apparently she is devastated – I repeat, devastated – because her most recent scan shows that her unborn baby is a boy. The mother of two sons will not be having a girl and she is, our mutual emailing friend tells me, beside herself. Dreadful."


Cuts particularly deep at the moment as it strikes a little too close to home. I also have a dear friend who is a mum to three boys (I may well have blogged about her before, my memory on this is hazy but there's bound to be a mention somewhere!); three gorgeous, happy boys. Whilst she was trying for the second she tried all manner of things to try and make sure it was a girl - diet, position, day in cycle, supplements. But it wasn't to be, a bouncing boy arrived to be a brother to the first. When trying for the third she went even further.

She had read somewhere that women in Africa are statistically more likely to conceive a girl as they are malnourished. Where she got this from and how true this is I have no idea, I suspect it's utter hokem since it is a man's sperm that determines the sex of the child. It's nothing to do with the woman. But still, she believed it so went on an incredibly extreme diet -  and conceived another boy.

She is now looking to expand the brood further but is desperate for that baby girl. Erm. Why?! And this is where the infertile in me takes over - you have three healthy, easily conceived children. Yet that is not good enough for you. WHY?! Not just that, but how will the younger two feel if (heaven forbid!) they ever find out that they weren't good enough? Mum wanted a girl and did all manner of things to try and make it happen - it didn't so here you are. What on earth would that do to them? Further, I have friends (and indeed, family) who just have boys. Is that not good enough either in her eyes? You're not a success unless you have at least one of each sex? A matching pair?! Madness. And it makes me very very angry.

I have struggled to be around her, sat at the opposite end of the table at gatherings etc., but earlier this year it just all got too much. I am very fond of her, I have known her since school and she had a hand in me meeting my husband. But I can no longer be around her. She wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF.

Again - she wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF. She is fully aware of our situation (I 'came out' to my closest group of girlfriends, the group from school, in January this year) and, to give her a semblance of credit, she knows how mad it is that she's even considering it. But she can't let it go. Earlier this year her mum died unexpectedly, she was only in her 60s. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for her, genuinely I can't. However, the amount of money her mum left her is the exact amount she needs to cover the treatment and she took this as a sign. So at some point she'll be off to California for treatment, leaving behind three boys under the age of 6. How do you start to explain to them where you're going and why?! Especially when you are, to all intents and purposes, the sole carer as their father works all hours and some weekends.

I don't know what's worse - the fact that I want it to fail or the fact that I want her to conceive another boy even if it's through IVF. Having said that, she could conceive a girl who turns out to want to be a boy. Who knows. I still rather she didn't have that last outcome though......

Our group of friends all met up in October for dinner, she kept texting me asking if I was going to join them. Initially I said I just wasn't sure. But I had to be honest with her, so I told her that I couldn't see her. Didn't want to be around her. I was very clear that it was just for one reason and one reason only and that it is just for this moment in time. I am truly hopeful that at some point in the future this will not be as painful and I can cope with being around her. I also hope that the time apart won't damage our friendship too much. I do value her dearly. But at this precise moment in time I cannot trust myself around her, cannot trust myself to say something that cannot be taken back and therefore irreparably damage our relationship. For now, should I see her, it will take all the strength I posses not to grab her with both hands and yell WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???!??!???!?!!

So it's probably best that I don't see her for the foreseeable future. Which is sad, but I have to protect myself. I'm sorry as I am always in favour of putting other people first but every now and again I have to put myself first for the sake of my health and my sanity. I cannot see her at the moment. I just can't.

It's not all bad :)

After my rubbish weekend of three (three!) pregnancy announcements I decided to try and take something positive from it. Unbeknownst to me it was actually National Infertility Awareness Week (in the UK at least) last week and can you guess how much coverage there had been of that in the media? Yep, nothing. Not a sausage.

So. I wrote a post on my FB feed. I thought if I link it to NIAW then maybe people will think I'm just showing support for that rather than 'outing' myself. But at the same time part of me wondered how many others were struggling in private and for them to just have an inkling that there weren't alone made me think it was worth doing.

This is what I posted:

I must admit I thought long and hard about posting it. I wrote it and re-wrote it and hovered over the 'post' button for a good few minutes going round and round in circles in my head. As I've already mentioned (here) we decided a while ago that moving forward, whilst we won't exactly shout it from the rooftops, we would stop lying if anyone ever asked us anything. So, I posted it.....

I hadn't even realised it was the awareness week until the Sunday of that week (i.e. the last day of NIAW) and I think that's what gave me the last push to post it - if I hadn't done it on that day then it didn't really fit with that. And people could then make their own conclusions!

I was still nervous though and did think I'd give it half an hour or so and then delete it if the comments were nasty, or if there were no comments/likes at all. It could disappear into the ether as if it had never existed. But I was so touched and genuinely surprised by the response it garnered out in the 'open air' (as it were!). Not only did I have comments on my post but I also had some direct messages from friends that, of course completely unknown to me, had been fighting the IF battle alone. So, now, I'm very very glad I did post that. Infertility seems to be such a private thing, almost taboo to talk about openly which is astounding when you look at the stats - it affects so many who must just suffer in silence. Which is horrible.

I may not have completely 'outed' myself but it was enough of a hint for those that recognise the signs to get in touch. And for that I am incredibly grateful, to know just one person knows they're no longer alone makes it worth posting. Even for the couple of negative comments I got I still don't care as the good has so completely outweighed the bad.

And whilst that may be out in the open there are still only a very select few who know about this blog and related twitter account, so I can still vent true feelings within the safety net of anonymity! Almost the best of both worlds. And I think that's how I'd like it to stay. As much as I know it may sound hypocritical after what I've just said about it being a taboo subject, but nevertheless I do think it's one thing alluding to it - it's another entirely to go into the level of detail I do here. Unless you're on this side of the fence you will never ever truly understand what it feels like to be an infertile. So, for now, let's just keep the details between us eh? :) 

I thought you were one of us, I was wrong......

Morning.

Yesterday wasn't much fun. Three pregnancy announcements on my FB feed before midday. Three. Do they all time them specially to come out together?! Admittedly one of them my mum had already given me a heads up about but nevertheless it was now in the public domain and being gushed over. The second one was a bit surprising as I thought the couple didn't want children, nevertheless I am obviously pleased for them. The lady in question is not one to overly emote on FB so the post itself was actually made by a third party (I'd be interested to know how she felt about being outed like that!) and there wasn't the usual outpouring of emotional diarrhea. The third one, however, stung slightly.

I've known her for a long time, they got married the year after we did. Over the past couple of years she'd said a few things in passing that rang alarm bells and I'd wondered for a while whether to ask something that would confirm my suspicions. Was she in the same boat that we were? I'd even considered writing a blogpost about her! Going through the things she'd said and asking advice - was I putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5? If the general consensus was that I was actually right, how should I approach the subject with her? All of that is slightly moot now.

To be fair, I may have got close to the truth. They could well have struggled over the past couple of years, they may well have had tests, started treatment. They could be one of many who fall naturally during the treatment/assessment process due to one of life's delicious ironies. They may have conceived through treatment. I don't know. I will now have no way of knowing, the window has passed. She is pregnant.

So yes, this third FB announcement stung slightly. I thought she was one of us, had for so long thought about saying something to her, letting her know she wasn't alone during this horrific process. But I never found the right time, wasn't sure enough in my deductions that she was indeed in this club. And now I doubt I'll ever know...... Do you bring this kind of conversation up post-pregnancy announcement?! Or is that in poor taste?

Answers on a postcard!

A little 'off topic' - Secondary Infertility

I recently came across this blog post –

http://www.blogher.com/when-are-you-going-have-another-baby

It’s about secondary infertility but there are a lot of similarities to ‘general’ infertility and in some ways I guess it’s worse – you have a child yes, but that only proves you’ve conceived once so you assume you’ll be able to conceive again. And then you don’t.

It also proves what we as a group of infertiles already know – don’t ever, ever EVER judge a book by its cover. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. I have lost count of the number of times we have been asked over the years ‘so, when are you going to have children then?’.  This number increases tenfold with every year of marriage that goes by. Obviously we could be completely open and tell everyone the truth (pah!) or we have the various lines of defence we’ve always gone with (‘plenty of time for that’ ‘yeah, one day’) and I’m sure others can quite simply get away with saying they don’t want children if only to shut up the person asking the question.

But how much harder is that if you already have one child? How many times do you get asked when the next one is coming along? How many times does the child you already have innocently wish out loud for a sibling? Again, there are no doubt many that will claim they only wanted one child whilst secretly dying inside. You’ve managed to conceive once, who knew that that’s when infertility would kick in and you wouldn’t be able to conceive a second time?

I genuinely don’t know which is worse.

Holiday hangovers......

Well hello there folks. Apologies that I've been quiet of late, May to October is my insanely busy time at work, as rubbish an excuse as that is I'm afraid it's that simple. I've just been very very busy and, if I'm honest, I've lacked not only the time to post but the energy.

If you've read my last post back in May (May??!) you'll know we're at a bit of a crossroads. If you haven't read it you can find it here. Since that rather confessional blog I've been wondering if there is actually anything further to share on here. Nevertheless blogs have been brewing in my head and I still feel that I have things I want to write about, whether that's our struggles or other things that go through my mind that I'm not sure I could share anywhere other than this very safe environment that I know not many people (in the grand scheme of things! No offence dear reader) read.

And what has been going through my mind of late? Where are we in the world? We're going on holiday next week which is something I'm very much looking forward to, off to NYC which is one of my favourite places in the world outside of the UK. That itself however comes with a hangover to where we are with 'things'. We still aren't having sex, it's almost like we're now just so scared of doing it we're avoiding it altogether. Since I last posted hubby has started a new job, completed a vast training schedule and is now all fully-fledged and into his probationary period. It involves shift work which means we aren't necessarily in bed at the same time (not that a bed is always needed, I know this, but let's start more practical and work up from there shall we?!) and has been knackered for most of the summer as he gets used to the shift pattern and a job which is much harder than anything he's done previously. He is however very very much enjoying it which is completely the main thing!

So. We both have new jobs now. We've moved house. Yet still that one thing that our infertility journey broke between us has not been fixed. Which takes me back to our holiday. We also went away in April; all inclusive, five star, sunshine, cocktails, pool, relaxing. That'll sort things surely! - we thought. We were wrong. So, to our holiday next week. Let's just have a really good time and see what happens - we both say to each other. We'll see. As that in itself creates its own pressures. There is a part of me that is so sure we just need to do it once, just once, and no matter how awkward or unproductive that first time is we know we've got over the biggest hurdle. The first brick is the hardest. As it were!




Wow. I genuinely didn't mean for my first blogpost in almost five months to be about our sex life! (or lack of it) but I guess it's an important part of this journey. And where else am I going to get all of these thoughts out of my head and straightened out?! Thank you, dear reader, for being my sounding board. For being the non-judgmental ear that I can share this all with. Where would I be without you eh?! Best not go there really......

Back soon :)

The Honest Conversation - What Doesn't Break You Makes You Stronger

Aloha.

So, the conversation with hubby finally happened last night. The one I've been thinking about but too scared to actually say the words out loud. Do we really want to carry on down this road?

Yes, we want children. We have never made a secret of that and we still do. But at what price? No, we haven't had miscarriage after miscarriage or many failed IVF treatments. Nevertheless though this process has taken it's toll on me and on us. Something I've not mentioned on here before is that in 2013 I had a mental breakdown. I was signed off work for almost four months and didn't fully recover until mid 2014. Part of this was down to where I was working at the time but part of it was down to all of the infertility tests and hospital visits that we were going through at the time - in secret. That was an enormous burden to bear.

I know there are those of you that are reading this that have had a far more arduous journey than we have, but everyone has their breaking point. Please don't judge me if mine is nowhere near yours. We are incredibly happy, we are so in love. But our sex life has suffered. And that's a kinda important thing to be healthy if you're trying to conceive.....

We love our life, so would it really be so bad if it just ended up being the two of us? Last night we all but ruled out IVF. Part of me feels like I should try one cycle just to say we tried it but, as much as my mum has offered to pay for it, I am genuinely not sure I could go through with it. I did not cope well with the infertility tests. How would I cope with even more invasive treatments for a baby that I am now not so sure that I want? Which is an absurd thing to say. And incredibly scary to actually put in writing. For the past three years I have wanted nothing more than children. But has the window now closed? Has the opportunity passed us by? Have we now reached the point when we tried, it didn't work, and so we graciously accept defeat? Which doesn't mean, by the way, that (whenever we do start having sex again....) we're going to start using contraception. Ha! Hell no. But we need to repair the part of our relationship that infertility has broken before we can contemplate anything further.

Adoption is something we are both incredibly open to, but not until quite a bit further into the future I think. We'd still very much like to give conceiving naturally a proper go first, and if I'm honest we haven't really done that. If we can get our sex life back to where it was before we started trying to have children then maybe we do stand half a chance. But that has to be our priority first, we have been stripped of the joy of making love. It is now seen as a chore, neither of us enjoy it. Neither of us actually want to do it, the memories of before are still too raw. Too painful. It's a means to an end which we never got to, rather than something we enjoy.

The only upside to all of this is that our relationship is so much stronger. Whilst I was signed off from work hubby was my rock, he was an absolute star and I know for a fact that I would not have come out the otherside without him. I saw a counsellor who was also hugely talented and really helpful, but it was hubby who dealt with the day-to-day breakdowns. The complications, the outbursts and the irrational emotions that just consumed me. He held me, stood by me and didn't try to understand. He was just there.

I don't want to go through that again, I don't want to put him through that again. Nevertheless our marriage has proven itself to be rock solid and for that I am eternally grateful. I was so nervous about having that conversation with him, he has always been so much more vocal than me about wanting children. He frequently mentions that it's about time he got me pregnant - but interestingly that was all words. The actions required to get me pregnant never followed. And so I was incredibly relieved when I discovered we were both on the same page.

And so the black cloud has been lifted, the weight that I've been carrying on my shoulders for these past few weeks has evaporated. We know where we stand. We know what we want. Let's try and fix what has been so badly broken, and then see where we go from there.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun........

Howdy.

Tomorrow is the first day of May. How did that happen??! Granted, this is the busiest time of year for my job (and it's not even peaked yet, that happens in another month at the end of May.....) and we have just got back from a holiday (more about that later) and hubby has had all sorts of things going on but still - how the feckitty feck is it May tomorrow?

That makes it exactly three years since we started trying. Three years. I'd also like to know where that time's gone. It's funny how our attitude to it has changed. There was a time when, every month, we'd go at it enthusiastically. Then you'd get the crushing disappointment before you picked yourself up for the next month. And then, every month, we'd have the dullest and most pressurised regimented sex you can imagine. Joys of hindsight that I now have, I wish we'd taken the odd month off back then. I think those months ruined sex for us. It is now tainted. Irreversibly associated with disappointment. How do we get ourselves back from this? There is still plenty of affection, tons of love. There are always hugs and kisses every day, but that's it. Neither of us attempts to seduce the other.

We've just got back from the most glorious ten days in the sun. I've changed jobs (I've now been here a year; again - how did that happen?!), we've moved house. When we got back from our holiday hubby handed in his notice as he finally has the job of his dreams and he'll start that at the end of May. We've done all we can to reduce stress, the only thing the consultant said we had to do. And yet neither of us can actually bring ourselves to get back on the horse. As it were.....

Infertility is a bitch. Three years ago we were so full of hope, sure it would happen in a few months and we'd have our own little bundle of joy to welcome to the world. Yet here we are, three years later and still barren. There are things to be thankful for, for a start I would not be in this job had the past three years not panned out the way they did. Chances are hubby wouldn't be about to start his new job either. Friends and family have had babies and still the vast majority of people don't know what these past three years have held for us. Am I ashamed? Hell no. The strength I have found and the relationship hubby and I continue to share has been a revelation. But it is a very private thing. Do I want to shout it from the rooftops? Occasionally. Usually when something has been shared on social media that just makes me want to yell at the person that posted it. But generally this is not something I want to share. I'm quite a private person, there is an awful lot about me that even my closest friends wouldn't necessarily know. There are only two people on this planet that fully 'get' me, and they know what's going on, so I don't feel the need to spread that net wider.

Having said all that, in January I 'came out' to my oldest friends. A group of 9 other girls with whom I attended secondary school and I have therefore known since I was about 11. I agonised over what to write in that email, went over and over and over it but nevertheless felt it was time to let them know. Some had known everything for a while, some knew nothing. Most had probably guessed to be fair. But I was finding it increasingly difficult to meet up with them all at once. Only one other girl doesn't have children and so our big group meet ups inevitably revolved around talking about the kids. This isn't helped by the fact the two largest characters in the group don't work and so are at home 24/7 with their little darlings.

Don't get me wrong, their children are great and I love finding out how they're getting on. Really I do. But when that many women get together and the only thing, the only thing, that is spoken about for 3 hours is children I find it very hard to be a part of that group. So I decided to stop making excuses about meeting up en masse and send that email. The responses I got were varied. Only one didn't reply at all, and we still haven't spoken about it. Most replies were incredibly lovely, I even got an absolute essay from the one that now lives on the other side of the world! There was just the one that bugged me - "obviously this isn't news to me honey" and then she changed the subject. I ignored her for a couple of months, petty I know but there you go. All is fine now but I needed some space from her after that response.

The sweetest response was from my dear friend who writes this blog. A friend who has enough on her plate with her own gorgeous children and yet nevertheless truly felt for me, even apologising for 'foisting' her children on us - could I forgive her cruelty? I texted her immediately to let her know how much I loved her and how daft she was being. She has always been so incredibly selfless and worried more for other people than herself. I was truly touched by her response.

I'm not sure whether my openness will bring us closer as a group, we've drifted over the years as we've spread out across the country. But I do know I feel an awful lot better now it's out in the open and they know what the past three years have held for us. It was a big step for me to take and the response (in the main) was genuinely lovely. Could I tell more people? Possibly. We decided a while ago that we would stop lying if people asked us directly. We had an incident at a wedding last week when another couple, after finding out that we'd been married for four years, just asked straight out 'well where are the children then??!?'. Needless to say I just walked away from that conversation and let hubby deal with them. They were not getting my tears or the honestly of our situation. Not from me anyway.

So for now at least all of our issues stay behind our own front door. More people knowing helps. Time passing so quickly does not. Still, one step in front of the other.....

The Art of Over-Sharing

I'm not entirely sure where to start this.... What has prompted me writing this is the 'joy' of social media. Note the inverted commas. Most of the time I am incredibly grateful for social media, really I am. I can keep touch with my friends across the world, keep in touch with family when anyone is not in the same country as me (or if I'm in a different country for that matter!) and of course - I would never ever ever have coped with the past 2 years without this blog and the wonderful ladies of Twitter.

However.

There are times when I despise social media and all it stands for. It gives voice to those that don't need it, an audience to those that crave attention and platform to those that have nothing to say.

Cryptic posts such as 'I don't know how much longer I can do with this' or 'feeling really sad' or 'unwell again' or 'totally fed up'. There are thousands more examples out there. Posts that don't actually give any information about the person's situation and just invite a long list of 'oh hun, I'm here if you need me' or 'you're so lovely, don't let anything get you down!' or 'aaaah, big hugs' replies really get on my wick. What on earth are you trying to achieve?! If your life is really that bad, would you really - honestly - post about it on social media???! Or do you desperately want the attention and verification that you have friends? Maybe I'm just old fashioned. Maybe I just have a bit of dignity and don't want to splash my life all over the internet*.

Don't get me wrong, there are posts about the loss of a loved one when the person in question is clearly grieving and this is part of that grief. That, in my head at least, is a completely different situation. But how would all my friends/followers feel if I posted some of the following statements on FB or my (other) Twitter? All of which I have felt, most of which I have posted here instead, none of which I have actually made public:

• Why why why can't I get pregnant?
• Seem to be feeling more and more tearful. I was in such a good mood when I got home from work, and then that all changed.
• I swear if I get asked one more time if we want kids, and then get told 'well, you'd better get a move on as you're not getting any younger!' - I will hit that person with a wet fish
• Just relax eh?! Yes yes, that'll cure the infertility that a doctor can do nothing about
• At the hospital again. Oooh goodie, another chance to have my knickers round my ankles at a moment's notice
• Well, today was a pretty bad day. No idea why, but I just seemed more sensitive to things. Wherever I looked I saw babies, small people and pregnant ladies
• Sick of hearing "I know exactly how you feel" - No, no you absolutely do not. Go away.
• Oh for heaven's sake people, if I'm not drinking on a night out it does not automatically mean I'm pregnant
• Finally decided not to lie any more, it has taken its toll on both of us to keep pretending all is ok. People keep asking and we kept rebuffing them. From now on, if anyone asks, we'll be honest.
• Yay! More blood tests!
• Must not give up, must not give up, must not give up
• Argued with hubby this evening. Over absolutely nothing. So, after I'd been out, I cried all the way home.
• More friends that are pregnant!!! Gah!!!
• STOP moaning about your children - at least you have them. This includes those of you whinging about lack of sleep or lack of money.
• No I am not 'lucky' that I am able to sleep past 5am on a weekend
• No idea why, but feeling incredibly tearful today. I feel low, with no particular reason, other than things just don't seem to be going to plan

Well, that was quite cathartic :)


This also reminds me of something else I've seen online, can't for the life of me remember where admittedly ,but essentially a mother posts the following status on Facebook:

"OMG, my daughter has just drunk some bleach - what do I do?"

To which the very first comment underneath it was "Quick - post about it on Facebook!"

Doesn't that just say it all?!








* yes yes I am well aware of the irony, as that's technically what I'm doing here.... But it is anonymously and to a selective audience. It is not to all and sundry. It's certainly not fishing for responses.

The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award

Holy cow. I actually won something! Well, sort of. But still, I get to write about it and put the picture below and that's good enough for me :) especially bearing in mind the topic involved.

                

The wonderful and inspiring Kim over at one of my absolute favourite IF blogs (http://saltinthewomb.blogspot.co.uk/) has nominated me (me!) for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award.

The award honours the unique voices of women bloggers around the world - something that I believe absolutely should be recognised. Women have a different view on the world, in my opinion anyway, due to the very different life we lead to men. I know I'm going to tie myself up in knots here, but that's not to say men have an easy time of it either - just that due to our internal reproductive-based biology we've had to deal with stuff from a young age (that gets worse as you get older!) that they just have no idea at all about.

I'll end that one there..... ;)

Back to my award!! As people who read my blog regularly are aware, I have spoken in the past about my admiration for Kim and the way she writes (here) and so am thrilled she's the one who's nominated me. Blogging for me is an escape route, until very recently I could count on one hand those that knew what we were actually going through. As much as that number has expanded now it's only increased by 9 (a blog on that to follow.....) so still not exactly a lot of people. Blogging therefore is my escape, my release. The only place in my life I can be completely and utterly open and honest about how I'm feeling and what we're going through. I genuinely don't know how I would have made it through the past two years or so without it and the lovely Twitter ladies who I also surround myself with. I have lost count of the number of times I have retreated to Twitter when something going on in the 'real world' is just too much for me to handle.

I have also found that this award has really opened my eyes to some of the other blogs out there. I thought I kept my eye on a fair few, but by nominating others everyone who's blogged on this subject that I've seen has included blogs I didn't know existed. Such a good way to spread the net even wider! So I urge you, dear readers, to follow the chain backwards as well as forwards.

Anyhoos, thank you so much to Kim for the award. From someone I admire so much it means a lot! And this is where we go from here:

• Thank the blogger who nominated you, linking back to their site DONE!
• Put the award logo on your blog DONE!
• Answer the ten questions the nominator has set you DONE! (thanks Kim..... :D )
• Make up ten new questions for your nominees to answer DONE! (holy crap, that bit was hard)
• Nominate ten people Erm, ten? Really?! Might not make that one.....

And here are the ten questions I was set, with my answers:

1. Who is your blog idol?

Well, clearly I would say Kim but she nominated me.... So I'm going to say a dear friend of mine from school, one of the group I opened up to about our situation over Christmas. At 38 weeks gone in her second pregnancy they found out that her baby had been starved of oxygen from 20 weeks. What followed is beautifully and touchingly written about here. I urge you all to read it. Which is a bit of a risk, as it's a crack to my own anonymity! But worth it I think to share her blog.

2. What song do you sing loudest in the shower?

Erm, not sure I generally sing in the shower to be honest. The car yes, the shower not so much. Having said that, I did find myself singing John Legend's "All of Me" in the shower recently when it came on the radio. So does that count?!

3. What's your favorite curse word to yell at your ovaries?

Aaaaah, now this is a good one! I am a big fan of the word 'bugger' especially when combined with the word 'bollocks'. Think of Hugh Grant a la Four Weddings! A string of "buggery buggery bollocky f*ck" can do wonders :)

4. You get to meet one of your favorite fictional characters. Who is it?

Blimey. This is a tough one. I actually answered all the others and then came back to this one. I'm really not sure. Ooh ooh ooh!!! Minions!!!! I WANT a Minion!!!!!

5. What do you think about when you need to smile?

Nephews (now 3 and six months, gorgeous), hubby. Simple really. Or I'll just go online and look at houses or sunshine holidays and dream!

6. If you could switch careers and be awesome at something other than what you currently do, what would it be?

Well, having changed jobs recently I'm obviously awesome at what I currently do. But when I was younger I wanted to be a professional dancer, not a ballerina, but in the West End/Broadway or pop music tours. That sort of thing. I also wanted to be a stage manager/lighting designer in the theatre at one point too. And a radio producer. Who knows, I may well turn to one of those in the future! My recent job swap has proved to me that it's never too late. Apart from being a professional dancer, sadly that ship might actually have sailed.

7. What's your go-to "I didn't have time to do my hair" style?

Ha! Easy. Twisted somehow (usually a bun but not always) and held in place with a small claw clip. Gets it all out the way really quickly and easily. Generally stays put too.

8. Taylor Swift or Katy Perry? YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE. If you want to.

Another easy one - Katy Perry. No contest.

9. Would you rather legally change your last name to Hitler or never eat chocolate again?

Probably never eat chocolate. Well, I don't think I actually eat that much of it. If the question had been cheese however....

10. On a scale of 1-10, how much do you love Benedict Cumberbatch? (If it's below 5, I don't know if we can be friends.)

Lordy lordy. 11. At least. If not more.


Right. That was harder than it should have been! So I now nominate:

Scarlett Waffle
My Perfect Breakdown
Dellaquella
Miss to Mrs to Mom
A little more2life
Failing Baby Maker
A Calm Persistence

Ok, so that's not ten. But seven is the new ten, isn't it....?! Anyway, you're up! Questions:

1. What's your favourite thing about blogging?
2. What was the last thing you saw at the theatre and what did you think of it?
3. What's left to do on your bucket list? Have you actually crossed anything off it yet?
4. Who is your embarrassing/weird celebrity crush?
5. Summer or Winter?
6. Beach/pool holiday doing nothing or running, jumping climbing trees somewhere completely random?
7. Did you go to university? If so, what did you study and do you think that your degree has helped you in later life?
8. How would you spend your ideal day, with no budget or time restrictions? (i.e. being able to jump countries or continents in an instant)
9. What would you call your autobiography?
10. Do you cook/bake from scratch? If so, do you have a signature dish?

Go!

A name, a name, my kingdom for an ORIGINAL name!!!!! Gah.

Howdy.

Apologies for the tardiness of late, January is in insanely busy time at work and I'm only just getting my head above water again. I hope you're all well and not having too bad a case of the January blues!

Soooooo, a lot has happened of late. And I was actually planning on writing this blog entry on a completely different subject. I have recently opened up about our situation to my group of oldest girlfriends, the gang I went to secondary school with, and the response has been mixed to say the least. But that will have to wait for another time as I bring news of something else that has rocked the insane tea party that goes on inside the darkest depths of my head that you, dear reader, are only one of a handful of people that know about.

Not sure if I've blogged about this couple before, quite possibly so apologies if I'm saying stuff you already know. But one of hubby's best friends is married to a really close friend of mine. Us girls met our boys at roughly the same time, started dating within six months of each other and the boys were best men at each other's weddings (the boys have known each other since school). They married a year after us and started trying early last year. She has been one of the most understanding people about our situation, in fact both of them have been absolutely fab. It was her baby shower in November that I tweeted about, saying I just couldn't face it and she completely understood. It took her about five months to fall pregnant and she was so sympathetic to our plight whilst they were trying, every month she was upset that it hadn't happened and therefore had a lot of empathy about how much harder it must be for us. When it finally did work for them they came over to our place (despite the fact we'd only moved in the week before and the place was a tip!) to tell us on their way back from the hospital on the way to the parents after her 12wk scan. So thoughtful.

Bang on due date, baby arrived this week. They had no idea of the sex, they'd wanted to find out but baby hadn't played ball during their two scans so we were all convinced it would be a boy! It wasn't, it was a girl. And they name they've given her is our baby girl name. It sounds insane to say that we have names already, but way before we were even engaged we just knew that we were going to be stuck with each other! We used to get drunk and have evenings going through each other's past and issues and we'd also talk about the future. We decided upon three girls names (first and middle names) as well as three boys names (again, first and middle) but neither of us could remember anything but one or two of each when we were trying to recall the conversations when sober. Still, the first pick for both boys and girls names we remembered as they were names that meant a lot to us, names that were in the family. If that makes sense?!

So, even tho their name is the abbreviated form and we'd use the 'full' version (due to where we've taken the name from) and even tho they've spelt it slightly differently to how we would I am still struggling even more than I do normally with the announcement of this new arrival.

They've posted pictures of her on social media and she’s so cute! An adorable little thing. But I can’t use her name when I talk about her. I just can’t. I wanted to go and get them a baby girl card at lunchtime today and I just knew I wouldn’t be able to write that name inside it. Luckily hubby has stepped in and said he'll go out at lunchtime today and get a card and write it. I genuinely don't think I could do it.

All of this is slightly insane. I have no idea if we will have children one day, let alone have a girl! So in some respects it's lovely that our name has been used, even if it's not for our child. But what if one day the stars all align, it does work and we have a daughter. There is no way I'm changing what we'd name her because of where that name comes from. Are we going to be accused of unoriginality? Will people think we've stolen the name? If only they knew that if it had only taken us six months to conceive (and we'd had a girl!) the name would have been walking and talking by now and they would have had to find another name for their daughter.

Another horrible twist of fate to add to the infertility experience.