Well hello ladies. And gents? Not sure if I have any gents reading this but suddenly aware I was generalising! :D
Anyway - howdy.
Well, autumn is most definitely here. The trees outside my office window have very few leaves left on them, the wind is kicking up and it's getting colder. Which isn't all bad, it means I can crack out the comfy jumpers. Also means evenings are really really dark which turns in to snuggle time on the sofa with hubs :) usually accompanied by a glass of wine and a boxset - but not always!
Which also means my mind turns to other things. Whilst we've not exactly abstained, we've not been 'actively' trying for a few months now as I settled in to my new job and worked through my probationary period. Didn't really want to turn round during that time and tell them I needed maternity leave! No matter how slim that chance was. So, I'm very soon to be going back to checking the diary and taking extra vitamins blah blah blah. We were told by the consultant to reduce stress (since physically, we're both absolutely fine - so they say anyway) and so no spreadsheets, no ovulation tests. Just going at it! Sorry.....
We have done everything we can to reduce the stress in our lives. We've moved house, I have a new job and generally we're just so so so much happier. So surely, since it had to be stress as it was nothing physical (2013 really was incredibly shitty. The end of 2012 wasn't great either), I should get knocked up pretty easily now - no? And then the fear creeps in. What if I still can't get pregnant. Even though I am in just the best place I've been in for years, both personally and professionally - what if it still doesn't happen? Will that crashing low of the monthly arrival be even worse now I've convinced myself our issues were psychological and everything is now tip-top, howdy-doody and fine? I realise, even for those 'normal' folk (apologies, can't think of a better word!) it takes a few months so even if we're are now fine I wouldn't expect things to happen for a month or two.
But what happens if, in six months' time, there is still no sign of anything? Or worse - what if I do get pregnant? I'll feel such a fraud for telling people about our journey and our IF diagnosis. Will people think I tricked them? Will they not understand just how hard all this has been? Will they think I over dramatized all of our pain and issues that we went through? Will they say "See, I told you you just had to relax and everything would be fine". And if they do, can I hit them with a wet fish?!
So. I actually find myself almost not wanting to start checking the diary again. Not wanting to start properly properly trying once more. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If it doesn't happen then IVF is on the horizon (my mum has very kindly offered to pay, we don't get it on the NHS where we live) and also possibly adoption (which hubby and I are both totally fine with). If it does happen then will I feel like I've let down my IF family on Twitter and that I'll no longer be welcome in the community that has supported me so much through the horrors so far.
A rock to the left of me, a hard place to the right, stuck in the middle with my own nightmares.
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