Good morning folks.
I find myself in interesting mood this morning. A very very close friend of mine who I am incredibly fond of is not what I would call a 'natural' mother - and I do not mean any disservice to her at all, she is a wonderful mother but for some it comes naturally and for some it doesn't. Fact. And neither makes you any less of a mother, it's just how it goes.
She has two little boys and both births were difficult, particularly the first when she also suffered with horrific post-natal depression. Nevertheless she always tries her best and does whatever she can for her boys. However. She is not backwards in coming forwards when it comes to sharing (most) of this journey on Facebook.
Those of you that have read some of my other blogposts will know I have general issues with FB on the subject of 'over sharing'. I have many friends who will post 'have had such a hard day' or 'I feel really down' just to get all the sympathy posts that will follow. This bugs the living crap out of me. Imagine if I was completely honest on my FB page about how I was feeling and what I was going through?! No thank you. Horrific as it is I'd rather keep it to myself and my nearest and dearest thank you very much. Well, and you lot :D
Anyway, back to my original point. The other day said friend posted the following on FB:
"Up every single hour with the baby wanting a feed, or a poo, or a
cuddle. On my fucking knees with exhaustion. He screams all day, and he
screams all night. Seriously wishing the next two years away."
I find myself torn. Of course she is having a difficult time, of course the early stages of a baby's life are difficult and if you have a baby that just screams all day and all night it would drive you insane. Sleep deprivation is the worst at the best of times let alone when you need to be fully functional to look after a small person. But here is when my bitchiness just wants to scream BUT AT LEAST YOU HAVE A FUCKING BABY!!!
How bad does that make me feel?!? This woman is someone I count as one of my closest friends and yet, when she is in need, all I want to do is turn it on myself and go on about what I don't have rather than thinking what I could do to help her. This is what infertility does to you!!! This is the complete and utter head fuck that trying for so long and failing for so long does to you. I would not wish this on anyone.
If my friend ever reads this then I am truly sorry - but I cannot help how all these types of posts that go on about the difficulties of newborns make me feel. I am fully aware how difficult having a newborn can be, really I am - no, I have no children of my own (and who knows if I will ever have any) but I am not oblivious to the difficulties involved. And so I find myself being bitchy about what has been said and then feeling guilty for feeling bitchy, then I feel that I shouldn't deny myself feeling like this because of everything I have been through it's inevitable and then I hate myself for feeling like that as she's clearly having a very difficult time and I should wish her no ill. This is seriously shittily shit shit shit.
Oh the circle of thoughts that go through my fucked-up mind......
I'm going to make a cup of tea. Nah, screw that. I'm going to pour a large gin and tonic.
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