Fractious Families - Part Two

So. Three weeks had passed since the conversation with my sister-in-law, and one week since the follow up with my brother, that I describe here. I had a free weekend. As I always do, I texted my brother to see if he was around. He was working nights, so I reiterated that I was free if anything changed to which his reply was 'it's not me you have to speak to'. Consequently, the following conversation took place between me and my sister-in-law:

(again I've changed names to titles, but that's all I've changed)

ME
Hey. Hope you're well? My brother has told me he's working nights this weekend. I'm free all weekend if you wanted to do something x

HER
Yes he is working this weekend. If I'm honest im still very upset & angry with you at the moment, you seemed to of swept what has been said to you by me under the carpet and acting as if all is ok & it really isn't. You seem to feel as though my last message doesn't need to be responded to & that you have said you have nothing further to say on the subject. I understand some things in your life at the moment are difficult and I'm truly sorry about that but the last two messages you have sent me make me feel that you're acting as if the previous few messages never happened.

ME
I'm very sorry you feel like that. As I said to my brother, I am absolutely not sweeping it under the carpet and nor do I feel as if I am acting as if the previous messages never happened. I am very aware that all is not ok, I really am. For you to feel like that was never my intention. Honestly. But it is true, at this precise moment in time I have nothing further to say on the matter. I'm very sorry but it's true. That's not to say I won't be able to address these issues in the future, as I have said I am not sweeping it under the carpet and I know things are not ok. But right now, at this moment, I have nothing further to add xx

HER
Well then that's a very sad situation to be in regarding this. Maybe I expect too much from an auntie but until you're able to see what I'm getting at and realise what's upsetting me I don't want to hear it. I don't want to have to spell it out to you because if you can't see it then what's the point.

ME
I am struggling with my mental health at the moment and juggling far too many balls in the air than is probably wise. I absolutely do want to resolve this but want to chose my words carefully, I do not want to say the wrong thing or be misconstrued. I have therefore taken the decision, rightly or wrongly, to say nothing further at this point. That does not mean that I have nothing more to say, just that I don't want to say it right now. I want to wait until I am in a better place, until my head is clearer and I can respond in a way that is not clouded by my current circumstances xx


At this point I didn't know what else I needed to do to get her to understand me - I WAS NOT sweeping this under the carpet, I ABSOLUTELY DID want to sort it out - just not RIGHT NOW. I had enough on my plate and couldn't think straight. To the point where I put a very very drunk post on my FB (which I deleted the next morning) about the pressure I was under with everything going on - aimed squarely at her to get the message that I wasn't avoiding this for superfluous reasons or just because I didn't want to. But she just kept going at me............


HER
I am sorry that you are struggling but the longer this is left the worse the situation might get. I won't be able to play happy families with you when/if we see you as I feel until this is sorted I am unable to talk to you because you clearly can't see my side of things. I'm really am sorry to hear that as mental health is nothing to be taken lightly so if time is what you need then take it, BUT......the longer this drags on without being dealt then the more of a problem it will become


That was late on a Friday night so I didn't reply to that. I spoke to my mum that weekend, I hadn't wanted to get her involved as I thought it was unfair to put her in the middle of it. As it turned out however, they had spoken to her before the first message was sent to me to tell her that they were thinking of talking to me about this. My mum was brilliant. She said as much as she does agree with them to a point she also knows us all well enough to know that we've been butting heads for a while now and it was bound to come to a head at some point. She knows we both do things differently and can't find middle ground. She knows they have the trump card, will not bend on how they do things and so I'm going to have to take the fall. I could not stop crying during the phone call to her, at one point I was crying so much I started hyperventilating. I just needed my sister-in-law to leave me alone whilst I was feeling like this but know that I was not ignoring things, I just needed time and was genuinely not fobbing her off. Mum suggested I try and call her so she could hear how I was feeling and know I was genuine. So I did. I called that Saturday afternoon and, obviously, she didn't pick up so I left a voicemail. Sobbing into the phone about how much I wanted to fix this but I just couldn't right now. I never got a response. And so it continued:

ME
Hey. Hope you picked up my voicemail over the weekend? I am not avoiding this. I really am not. I want to sort it out. I just need to be in a better place to do so. I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I do, really I do. Please could the two of us meet up to talk? Are you around at all over the weekend of 23rd/24th June? Work will have eased off by then and hopefully have calmed down and I should be able to think straight. I am free all of that weekend and would much rather please that we sorted this out face to face rather than over text. So, if you're around, please just name a time and place and I promise I will be there x

HER
Sorry no phone call or message on my phone but kids have been playing with it. I have nothing further to say to you until your in a better place so for now I think it's best if I keep my mouth shut because I will only end up saying the wrong thing. Oh and just so you know these messages aren't just from me they are from your brother aswell!!

ME
I know. But I still think it would be beneficial, if you don't mind, for just the two of us to sit down and talk. I really think I'll be in a better place by 23/24 June which is why I suggested that weekend. I'm free all of that weekend, please let's go out somewhere and talk. Just name a time and place and I promise I'll be there x

HER
You keep saying that you need time and now all of a sudden in 2 weeks your going to be ok?? As I said before I've nothing further to say to you until your in a better place so sort yourself out and we will take things from there! I don't want to meet you on my own as this isn't just my views it's very much your brother's aswell.


Again, I was at a loss as to what to do. I wanted to sort it sooner and knew that they wanted to sort it so that's why I suggested that weekend, but she rebuffed me. Clearly if I wanted to meet up that weekend I was fobbing her off with the mental health things I'd told her. So, again, I spoke to my mum. Who suggested I take the time if she was offering it to me. Thank her for giving me that time and promise to meet up once term has finished in the summer and (aside from a potential house move) I would be freer. So, this was my reply:

ME
Ok. Thank you very much for giving me the time that I need. With a very difficult time at work as well as trying to sort out the sale of my flat and the purchase of my new place this is a very stressful time. Maybe I was rushing things suggesting that weekend in June, I just wanted to sort this out. It might be better to wait, if you don't mind, until the end of term when I can take time off work and sort myself out so that I have the space to get my head together to be able to think clearly when things have calmed down. Thank you again for letting me have that time. I'm so sorry everything has gone wrong between us, it really is the last thing I wanted to happen. This is too important not to fix. If you'll let me, I'll get back to you after the end of term as I should feel a lot better by then. Hopefully you can then give me a time and a place to suit you both and I promise I'll be there. Thank you x



I have had nothing since. I think she has finally got the message, I'll text her again at the end of term. But she has since blocked me on Facebook (I know, mature....) and she has never ever, over the past few years, accepted my follow requests on Instagram and Twitter - she has locked accounts on both services. But, no matter what happens, I know what the outcome will be. I will be the one in the wrong (which I know I am, to a degree) for not being able to rise above everything for the sake of the children. They will not accept that their behaviour didn't help. I am absolutely willing to admit that I should have been able to rise above everything and put the children first but, you know what, I didn't/couldn't. There have been times I've had to put myself first, knowing that I didn't have the mental strength to get through an afternoon or a day with them. Their treatment of me will not come into the equation at all. They're also massively contradicting themselves when they say they're putting the kids first and then treating me the way they have done, but they won't see that - they're putting the kids first.

I know I could have put myself out more, forced myself more, I really do know that. I just find it galling that the price to pay for that is that they are going to get away with the most horrible behaviour towards me knowing it'll be my fault for not just getting over it rather than their fault for treating me like that in the first place. They probably won't even think that they're treating me badly, according to them I've just not been doing what I should have been doing as an Aunt. But there you go. Such is life. Such is the way they live their life. I remember a year or so ago posting a picture on FB that had come up on my Timehop of my oldest nephew when he was a baby and I posted it with various heart emojis. My brother commented on the photo - "was that the last time you saw him?". I deleted the comment. I have stopped posting similar things on FB.

If only it were as simple as this:

But they want me to have a relationship with the kids so I can't cut contact with them, everything just has to be on their terms. My sister-in-law is an only child and so, if I don't have children, once all parents are gone I will be the only blood relative they have left. Part of me wants to absolutely applaud her for it. But the other part of me wants to hit her with a fucking brick.

It is my birthday in a couple of weeks, the week after that the littlest nephew has his birthday and then two weeks after that it will be my niece's first birthday. I have resigned myself to the fact that all three will be shit. I texted my brother last Sunday to ask him what he'd like me to get littlest nephew for his birthday (we are never allowed to just go out and get something, we always have to ask them what we're allowed to get them) and he still hasn't replied. There will no doubt be a party for my niece's birthday that I will not be invited to. If I do anything for my birthday they will not want to come. I just need to resign myself to the fact that this year will be shit all round for July birthdays and just hope it won't be the same next year......

Fractious Families - Part One

I have one sibling, a brother who is 18 months younger than me. I love him dearly but oh holy hell are we different. I've always found it very strange as we could be no one else's children, we're both so very similar to our parents, but it's like we've got the exact opposite halves of them - we could not be more different as people.

Therefore, he was never going to marry someone that I got on famously with. The woman he has married is amazing for him, they clearly love each other dearly and are a great couple. She's a wonderful mother to their three children. But she has never liked me. For reasons I have no idea about. It's not malicious, it's just that if we'd met in any other walk of life we wouldn't be friends. We'd get on fine I'm sure, but would not be friends. It's that simple. She never says hello to me, never asks how I am and knows very little about my life. I don't like going to their place for this reason, I don't feel welcome. However, they have three children and I try and see them when I can. The trouble is, it's not as often as they want it to be. I refuse to drop everything, cancel and rearrange things, just because they've decided they want the family over at what is usually fairly short notice. My parents do, which doesn't really help my case, but there you go.

I have tried various strategies in the past but all to no avail. I plan months in advance, they go day to day and generally have little idea on a Monday about what they're doing that weekend. A middle ground has never been found. I have been less and less willing to put myself out for them. If you keep banging your head against a brick wall it eventually hurts so much that you're going to stop doing it. But, of course, they hold the trump card - the children. This all came to a head the weekend in May when hubby and I were due to see each other after a month of no communication at all. That same day it had been arranged, with only a few days' notice, to go and see the house my parents are buying and moving to. I didn't want to move what hubby and I had arranged to do (go to a beer festival) to spend the day feeling uncomfortable around them and looking round a house I wasn't going to live in.

So. The following text conversation ensued. Obviously, I have changed people's names to their title to anonymise them - we don't really talk like that! But that is the only change I have made to the messages that were sent between us.

HER
After speaking with your brother today and hearing about your decision to go to a beer festival yesterday, I feel I need to say something to you because to be honest I think it's about time.

I know I don't talk to you much about this but this is down to not wanting to upset you. I feel that it's always the same reason for you that you find it to hard to be with the children because of your own personal situation but when I see on Facebook you spending time with other people's children, it makes me question what is it that you find so hard about spending time with ours.

I understand that it's difficult for you to be around children, I don't understand it but I get it. But to see that you're able to spend time with other people's children, putting photos over social media of doing so but not doing the same sort of activities shown in those photos with our children, I find this really very upsetting on the children's part.

I feel really sad for our children that they don't have the relationship with you that they should have as there one and only auntie. I know there are times when we are busy but when you have a chance to see the children & you turn it down to spend time drinking with your ex it makes me wonder about priorities.

I know it was pre-planned but I personally found it a strange choice seeing as there probably wasn't any booking and it's a yearly thing. Not spending quality time with them you must understand why I don't feel comfortable with you having the children on your own. I feel you don't know them enough & this really upsets me.

Just because something has now been said to you please don't change what you are doing in the future because you will only be doing it because you've been told this to not necessarily because you want to. My aim is not to upset you/make you feel bad/cause an issue/etc, it's really not, but it is to unload what I have been feeling and hopefully you may eventually realise what the end result of some of your decisions are.

ME
Firstly, can I thank you - genuinely - for being honest with me. It means more than you will ever know.

Yesterday had been in my diary for months and I didn't feel like I could change my plans at the last minute and let people down. That's just how I work my diary. I get invited to an awful lot of things so my rule, for a long time, has been that whatever I am asked to go to first is what I stick with. I try and be fair like that and so, unless there are exceptional circumstances, that's what I do and have always done. It's why I've not replied to two invites from friends for this Saturday as I don't know yet if we're going to Brands Hatch with dad, that was the first thing I was asked to for this weekend so that comes first.

I must admit I'm a bit confused about the social media comment, the only photos I can think of recently on Facebook were in February. Unless I'm missing something?? If I am I'm sorry. I made two trips in February, one was to see one of my best friends who has a young son and then I went to see my goddaughter for her second birthday. For both of these occasions it was only the second time I'd met the child in question and I am very very close friends with both mothers. I can't think of anything else on Facebook but apologies if I have missed something.

There are two things about those situations. Firstly, please don't believe everything you see on FB, it is not a reflection of real life. Yes, I may meet up with friends who happen to have children and smile in photos but that doesn't mean I'm not dying inside whilst outwardly smiling. It doesn't mean I'm enjoying it and you won't see pictures of me crying all the way home afterwards. I booked both of those trips as I was borderline suicidal and decided I needed things to look forward to.

The second thing is that I don't have the relationship with you that I have with the mothers of those children. I don't mean that as anything other than a factual statement, really I don't. I am very fond of you, I couldn't see my brother with anyone else and I'm thrilled he's with you. But he and I are incredibly different people and so he was never going to marry someone that I got on famously with and was really close friends with. Please do not take that as a slight on you as that is absolutely not how I mean it - you and I are just very different people. Therefore I am far more relaxed around my friends children than I am around yours. Which I know sounds insane but it's true. You and my brother are so different to me I'm paranoid about doing something wrong and one of you will tell me off. I know that sounds pathetic but it's true. I know I should get over it as they're my nephews and niece but it's hard. I do feel like I don't know them well enough and I hate that but it's because I'm scared and intimidated by you and my brother. If I do something wrong with a friend's child they'll just tell me off, if I do something wrong with a child I love as much as your three I would never forgive myself.

I would never ever ask to be with them alone for that reason, honestly I really wouldn't, but if my brother is working at a weekend and I'm free (like last weekend) it would be lovely to see them even if he isn't around. I may have this completely wrong but it seems as if him or my parents need to be around for me to see them. Maybe you and I could try and spend some time together? That would be nice.

I'm not going to change how I manage my diary, but I will continue to make sure you're the first people I check in with when I have a free weekend. I am genuinely touched by your honesty and I hope you can take what I have said in the same way. I would love it if we were closer but I know that's never going to happen so for you to feel you are able to be honest with me like this means a lot, thank you xx

HER
Me making this point is nothing to do with the relationships you have with me & your brother, our children are the only thing I'm concerned about with this. I think times when you haven't paid for something, things can be changed/cancelled, I'm sure if your friends are true friends & you turned around to them & said that you were actually going to give it a miss to spend time with your niece & nephews, especially if one of those friends is your ex, they would be more than understanding.

Saying that you are more relaxed around others children & not ours is very sad! They are your blood, it doesn't matter if you get things wrong, we all do no one is perfect but to say your worried about being told off is very pathetic (I'm just repeating your own words) if you've hated it so much why haven't you changed it??

The way in which I do things when your brother isn't around is no different to the way it's always been, I always spend one on one time with my parents coz it's the only time I get to & majority of the time the kids have play dates with friends.

This has been an ongoing issue for 7 years now & if things haven't changed in that time I'm not sure they ever will to be honest, which is a very sad situation for our children to be in.

It's nice you've said to try to build a relationship with me but it's my children that are my priority at the moment. I'd like to start with them as they're more important and then see where that goes.



Now, my issues with what she says are as follows:
1. You are incredibly naive if you think the relationship I have with you doesn't affect the relationship I have with your children
2. Don't contradict yourself, you say you don't want me to change how I manage my diary and then you tell me you do want me to change how I do things
3. I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually felt like their Aunt
4. No, I didn't tell you, but that day was more than 'just' a beer festival - it was myself and my husband having a very frank discussion about our marriage. Knowing we both hated the limbo we were in and so deciding whether to say goodbye or give things another go. I was not about to rearrange it as I wanted to see him and have that talk with him


At that point I decided I wasn't going to win. I was in my most stressful time at work, where I was generally working 13/14 hour days without a break (time which doesn't include the hour and a half one way commute) usually without lunch and sometimes without breakfast either - I didn't have the energy to deal with it. Of course, they knew none of this as they know so little about what my job entails. But if there's one thing I've learnt over the years, it's don't start a fight when you don't have a hope in hell of winning it. And so I thought that was that for now, we'll pick it up later and talk about it when things have calmed down. Bearing in mind my current mental state with everything going on (work, house move, hubby) I just didn't have the strength to deal with this sensitive situation in the manner in which it deserved. I was likely to say something in haste I would regret later. So I decided to leave it there. I had more to say but was not about to do it in the state I was in.

But oh no, there's a little epilogue to this. Two weeks later I have the following text conversation with my brother:

HIM
Have you text my wife back about your conversation the other week?

ME
I replied to the first message, I didn't reply to the subsequent message

HIM
Do you plan to?

ME
No

HIM
So you're just going to sweep it all up under the carpet then?

ME
Not at all. I just have nothing further to add at this time.


I had two initial thoughts about this. Firstly, you could just ask your wife?! Secondly, I know the relationship they have and there is no way he hasn't read the text conversation between us already so he's asking me a question he already knows the answer to. Talk about making drama for the sake of it.... At this time I had said, 'at this time'. Doesn't mean I'm done with the conversation, just means I can't add to it right this very second. I even thought that might be the end of it but I was wrong.



To Be Continued.