**written one week ago**
It's been quite an eventful few weeks..........
We'll start with the holiday (that I came back from over a month ago but hey ho.....). Which, actually, was lovely. The weather wasn't great for the first couple of days but we settled in really well as it was somewhere we had been before, wandered into town a couple of times and it felt like we'd been there a week rather than a couple of days. And then the sun came out. It really was glorious.
One evening we had a discussion about things. He admitted that the break up was entirely his fault, it was all down to him and that everything I'd accused him of he was guilty of. Wow. I did not see that coming. I never ever thought he would take responsibility for our break up. Clearly his head was no longer in the sand...... And, regardless of anything else, I've got to give him credit for doing that. In the next few days I was in a much better mood. I hadn't realised just how draining it was to be arguing with him in my head day after day after day (read about that here). With his admission that just disappeared. I felt like I was at peace.
So, we came home from the holiday and met up the next weekend for a day out at our local non-league football ground. He told me he hated living by himself, that he knew he'd made a huge mistake and that he feels like he's had to grow up living by himself. Now, why the HELL couldn't he have said these things a year ago?! It would appear he had to find his independence to realise what I'd been saying all along was true and to do the growing up I so desperately needed him to do.
I couldn't believe how much he'd changed. He even said he wanted to have sex, said he didn't want anyone else. That he'd been up for sex whilst we'd been on holiday but I had made it clear that it was off the table. And, to be fair, I had. I was crystal clear with him that it was a holiday as friends.
When we got back from our holiday we took our wedding rings off, he found that incredibly difficult. I also told him that after his admission on holiday it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I said with our rings off I needed him to go and get some experience and be free. He said he didn't want that. He just wants me. Seriously, where was this a year ago?! Having said all of that he also knows that he has a very VERY long history of saying the right thing but NO actions following the words. He knows this too.
I NEVER thought I would be here. Am I really considering getting back together with him?! Even if, and it is still an 'if', we get back together (never ever thought I'd say that!) I'd want to take it slowly. I need proof that he's changed. To be honest, I don't think he realised quite how much he hurt me and now he does. Coming back into the fold of my family wouldn't be easy either, that will take guts. My mother in particular holds strong feels towards him after the events of last year. But that's another story entirely.
The lease on the place he rents is up in November, I have just sold (I accepted an offer whilst on holiday, I don't seem to do things by halves!) my place and had an offer accepted on a two bed place that I really like - and I would not have him move in for a while. This is all ifs and buts. Absolutely ALL ifs and buts. I want to live in that place by myself for a while please, so whatever happens he's signing another year's lease on the place he is renting. That much I know, I need to see the proof of actions following the words before I go anywhere near letting him into my heart again. But it's progress. And I was the happiest I'd been in months.
Whilst we were out for that particular weekend at the football, he also made a suggestion. He said that we were still in touch so much and saw each other so frequently it didn't really feel like we'd properly broken up. He suggested a month with no contact at all. So that started on Monday 16th April and so is obviously due to end this weekend. The longest period of time we'd gone without seeing or speaking to each other in ten years. It was quite nice at first, but after the first two weeks I did miss him dreadfully. I spoke to friends about what he had said and they were all as shocked as I was.
I want to believe that he's changed. I want to believe what he's saying but oh my god does he have form. And he does know this. But I am considering it. I can see that he realises now, and could only have realised after he moved out, the growing up that I needed him to do. There is still a massive question over whether he has his sex drive back, but there's only one way to find out if that's true (!). How many times have I been here before tho?! I just keep going round in circles. Despite everything that's been before I can see why this time could finally be different. And I could get everything I ever wanted. Or it'll hurt far more the second time round, and fuck me did it hurt enough the first time.
But then I went out with a really good friend for dinner. She made me realise two things. Firstly, that I would always regret it if I didn't give it another go, I'd always be wondering 'what if' and just stuck in this godawful limbo with him. And two, that if he did screw this up again then actually it would be easier this time - there would be no going back, I would absolutely hate his guts, I'd never want to see him again and I'd be filing for divorce.
So there we go. Now what?!
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