Running Out of Patience

So, as I confessed in my last blog entry - said post (here) was actually written a good few weeks ago. Such is the nature of my job I don't really have time to stand still (let along write a blog :D ) in May or June.

About a week after I started writing it I broke down, I told him that I didn't care that he didn't see the point or didn't want to - I needed him to see a counsellor. I needed him to do it for me. I was fully expecting a big debate and lots of disagreement but, to my surprise, he just looked at me and said yes, ok. So he started researching counsellors, he's seen one and it didn't work out so has found another he likes the look of. Fingers crossed that one is ok as I know how important it is to find the right person to talk to. Especially about something as delicate as this.

It's like he needs reprogramming. Whenever I mention snogging and fumbling he's not keen, any vague sexual innuendo and he assumes I mean intercourse. He still thinks of sex as purely intercourse resulting in orgasm rather than the smorgasbord of fun it can be. I. Just. Want. To. Get. Laid.

And it appears like he doesn't care. He's in no rush to make an appointment with the new counsellor he's found and he's doing nothing else about it. Nothing. No internet research, not going to the doctor not looking for books or blogs to read. Nothing. There is no urgency to fix this. He is causing me so much pain and he doesn't seem to care. He's just going about his life, as if all is normal, and I just get the feeling he wouldn't care if we never had sex again. Yet he still talks of our future with children in it. That's not just mean, that's cruel. Our entire lives are on hold whilst he tries to sort this out and I can't take it anymore.

Last night* my patience absolutely wore off. I yelled. I cried. I said if this was the other way round I would move heaven and earth to fix things, that the feeling I get when I know he is hurting and it's my fault is the worst feeling in the world. He cried. Said he knew how upset and hurt I was, knew it was all on him but what else could he do??!?! It would seem that his issue is a lack of life skills rather than a lack of compassion. It's like he can't take the pressure of it all and doesn't know what to do rather than he can't be bothered - but nevertheless that is how it looks to me, how it appears to me as I don't know otherwise! I am very very close to resenting him and blaming him for the fact we don't have children - if I do get to that point then there is absolutely no going back from it, and I told him so last night*. This is the only thing stopping us now and I'm 38 for fucks sake, it's not as if I have years of child bearing ahead of me is it?!?!? Where is his urgency to fix this??!

I packed a bag and I walked out. I'm staying on a blow up mattress in my empty flat. I need some space. I'll stay as long as I need to.





*again, not actually last night...... Sorry, this was one night last week. Work getting in the way of blogging again!

As Things Change, So Everything Stays the Same.....

Well. Where are we now?! Another month* has passed since our 'review' date (the conclusion of which you can read about here) and whilst so many things have changed, there is an area which has seen no change at all.

I no longer feel like I am living with a teenager, which is wonderful. The atmosphere at home is nowhere near as bad as it was even six weeks ago and we're both positive about our future. However. We are still, STILL, not having sex. We're not even fooling around. I have made my feelings on this very very clear. Even if we don't end up having children then that burden will be easier to bear if we are in a fulfilled relationship. Which at the moment we are not. I'm climbing the fucking walls.

He refuses to see a counsellor. Says he doesn't see the point. That he'll be fine. I feel like our relationship is in so much better a place than it has been for ages, I am back to wanting a sexual relationship with him. But he is absolutely not interested. He finally confessed the other day that whilst he is definitely still in love with me, he isn't in lust with me and has zero sex drive. How do you change that?! He seems to be of the opinion it will just change over time, without any input or help or anything else. It'll just change. All by itself. Funnily enough I'm unconvinced........

Other things are complicating matters. The flat I own is now empty, it's been redecorated and I've put new carpet in. I've had it valued. It's worth more than I thought it was therefore the logistical thing to do is to sell it and buy a house for us to have a future in. Despite my frustrations we have made great progress since the end of last year. And I don't want that to disappear or even for us to go backwards, and I really think that if we move back to my one bedroom flat then that is what will happen (we have to be out of our rental, where we are currently, this summer). I think we will have a much better chance of a future together in a house. However risky it is to buy with someone I'm not 100% sure I'll be with in a years' time, I believe the risk of not doing it is greater.

So. My flat is on the market. I don't want to sell it, but only in the same way that you don't want to give your favourite jumper to a charity shop even though you know you don't wear it anymore and someone else will get much better use out of it. The only issue is that there really aren't that many houses out there! I know we don't have to start properly looking until my flat is under offer but there are depressingly few options at the moment.

So there you go, that is where we are now. We have made so much progress. We are planning for the future. And yet, still, there is a gap in our relationship. Now what?!


*confession - I wrote this post a month ago so it's slightly out of date. Another update will follow shortly.....