Suddenly everything seems so real. We really are in trouble. Hubby said last night 'our marriage is ending, it's not ended but it is ending - we need to turn it around'.
We had another conversation on Saturday night about separating. And, despite there again being many many tears, it was a practical conversation. If we were to split up, he would have to move back in with his parents. There are no other options for him whereas I do have my flat. Since he moved out of his parents place to move in with me they have obviously found another use for his bedroom! So we thought it only fair to warn them that there might be a possibility, however (hopefully) small, of him moving back and was that ok. It therefore followed that if we were telling one set of parents we would need to tell the other, and my brother.
And so on Sunday, whilst hubby was at work, I went round to my parents and broke the news. More tears. They offered any help they could give, we discussed the pertinent issues and I then met my brother for the afternoon. He was far more pragmatic, but then he always has been. According to him, we want us to be fine so we will be. You just work at it. End of. If only it was that simple..... On his way back from work hubby dropped in on his parents and told them. They were also incredibly supportive. Suddenly it feels real. We might be separating. Eight years together, five years of marriage.
Our discussion on Saturday night also finally lead hubby to the conclusion I've been at for a while now - we cannot fix this by ourselves. We need help. So today I have reached out to the counsellor who has been a huge help to me in the past, I'm not sure I want to see her again with these issues but am hopeful she will know someone who can help us. She mentioned last time I saw her in February this year that she knew a psycho-sexual counsellor (I think that's the phrase she used! I could be wrong) if she wanted me to put us in touch with her. At the time I declined as I was so sure we could sort it out ourselves. I now know we can't.
For that is exactly the crux of the matter. Without sex we are just affectionate best friends, and we definitely won't be having children of our own. Of the biological kind anyway, my mum again mentioned 'other ways' to have children when I saw her yesterday. Yes I know those options exist, but do we really want to start down that road when our marriage is in trouble?! I also know some marriages survive perfectly well without sex but I do not want that for us. I miss an active sex life. I still want children. I'm not getting any younger. At least now we seem to be putting the first steps in place on the road to fixing things. Let's see where we go from here.
Monday, 28 November 2016
Monday, 21 November 2016
A New Beginning?
So. It finally happened. The conversation about all my frustrations.
It was a difficult conversation but I’d gone through it in my head often enough to get out what I wanted to say, despite crying from the off.... I don’t think hubby had realised how serious it was until I mentioned the potential of me leaving him if things don’t improve. Then he started crying too. I don't want to leave him, and I did make that clear, but at the same time I was also very very clear that if things didn't change I would have a decision to make.
He did mention one thing though that hadn't crossed my mind before - our bed. There may well be a subconscious something to do with that, it is where we tried for so long and failed for so long and so maybe that's in the back of his mind. It might even be in the back of mine, I'm not sure. Anyway, that's easily fixed! So we've ordered a new bed :) it arrives in a couple of weeks' time and I genuinely do think it'll help. It'll certainly let us know if that has been a subconscious issue. And, also, now he knows how bad the things are, and that his words are meaningless unless actions back them up, I’m hopeful things will improve as he knows what’s at stake.
But there are other things playing on my mind. We're looking at buying a house. We've been thinking about it for a while to be honest. And anyone will tell you the market over here is a difficult one! Mortgages are difficult to get, deposits are almost impossible to save for and housing stock is in short supply. But - I own property. I bought a one bedroom flat not long before hubby and I started dating. After we got married I couldn't sell it and so for the past five years I've rented it out and we've rented our homes. He sees it as throwing money away. I see it as enabling me to hold on to a very precious asset.
However, it is becoming more and more apparent that I will need to sell my flat in order for us to buy a house. A 'family' home. There doesn't seem any way of using the equity in it as a deposit, said deposit needs to be in the form of cold hard cash. Which we don't have. The trouble is, even if you take away the emotional attachment I have to my flat which makes me not want to sell it - it's my safety net. Yes, I have a tenant in there. But I can turf him out and live in there myself if anything goes wrong.
Selling it makes sense. It is my past and not our future. I need to let go of my past to move forward into our future. The trouble is, I'm still not 100% sure if we have a future. I'm pretty sure I want us to have one. I want to see if the next couple of months, and the new bed, genuinely show the changes I want to see. If they don't and my safety net is taken away, then what? Luckily I don't have to make any decisions any time soon. The tenant in my flat is signed up until April 2017, we're signed into our current rental until July 2017. The earliest any decision would have to be made is January 2017.
But the more and more the realisation sinks in that I need to sell it, the more the tears come. The more the sobs engulf me. Is it just my usual idiotic thing of wanting to hold onto the past? Of being too scared to jump? Or, deep down, do I want to keep the safety net. How sure am I, genuinely, that things are going to be ok? The weekend was full of tears. My eyes are so sore. So puffy. I'm sure they're giving the game away at work. They still hurt now. And the tears won't stop coming.
It was a difficult conversation but I’d gone through it in my head often enough to get out what I wanted to say, despite crying from the off.... I don’t think hubby had realised how serious it was until I mentioned the potential of me leaving him if things don’t improve. Then he started crying too. I don't want to leave him, and I did make that clear, but at the same time I was also very very clear that if things didn't change I would have a decision to make.
He did mention one thing though that hadn't crossed my mind before - our bed. There may well be a subconscious something to do with that, it is where we tried for so long and failed for so long and so maybe that's in the back of his mind. It might even be in the back of mine, I'm not sure. Anyway, that's easily fixed! So we've ordered a new bed :) it arrives in a couple of weeks' time and I genuinely do think it'll help. It'll certainly let us know if that has been a subconscious issue. And, also, now he knows how bad the things are, and that his words are meaningless unless actions back them up, I’m hopeful things will improve as he knows what’s at stake.
But there are other things playing on my mind. We're looking at buying a house. We've been thinking about it for a while to be honest. And anyone will tell you the market over here is a difficult one! Mortgages are difficult to get, deposits are almost impossible to save for and housing stock is in short supply. But - I own property. I bought a one bedroom flat not long before hubby and I started dating. After we got married I couldn't sell it and so for the past five years I've rented it out and we've rented our homes. He sees it as throwing money away. I see it as enabling me to hold on to a very precious asset.
However, it is becoming more and more apparent that I will need to sell my flat in order for us to buy a house. A 'family' home. There doesn't seem any way of using the equity in it as a deposit, said deposit needs to be in the form of cold hard cash. Which we don't have. The trouble is, even if you take away the emotional attachment I have to my flat which makes me not want to sell it - it's my safety net. Yes, I have a tenant in there. But I can turf him out and live in there myself if anything goes wrong.
Selling it makes sense. It is my past and not our future. I need to let go of my past to move forward into our future. The trouble is, I'm still not 100% sure if we have a future. I'm pretty sure I want us to have one. I want to see if the next couple of months, and the new bed, genuinely show the changes I want to see. If they don't and my safety net is taken away, then what? Luckily I don't have to make any decisions any time soon. The tenant in my flat is signed up until April 2017, we're signed into our current rental until July 2017. The earliest any decision would have to be made is January 2017.
But the more and more the realisation sinks in that I need to sell it, the more the tears come. The more the sobs engulf me. Is it just my usual idiotic thing of wanting to hold onto the past? Of being too scared to jump? Or, deep down, do I want to keep the safety net. How sure am I, genuinely, that things are going to be ok? The weekend was full of tears. My eyes are so sore. So puffy. I'm sure they're giving the game away at work. They still hurt now. And the tears won't stop coming.
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