Well, today was a pretty bad day. No idea why, but I just seemed more sensitive to things. Wherever I looked I saw babies, small people and pregnant ladies. I just kept saying to myself "Why can't I get pregnant?!".
Well, I say no idea. I might have a small idea why. I'm still having really bad period pains, almost as if my body is taunting me. Reminding me that it's still not happened. And to top it all off, I argued with hubby in the evening. Over absolutely nothing. So, after I'd been out later in the evening, I cried all the way home.
But hey ho, tomorrow is another day. Must be positive!!
Take care folks xx
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
Monday, 23 September 2013
A little bit more about things.....
After the background and introductions, a little bit more to fill out the picture. I just don't know where else to put everything that I'm feeling. The heartbreak every month is horrific. People not knowing is also difficult, sometimes I think it would be good to talk but at the same time I don't want to discuss it. I'm very good at putting a front on for the outside world, perhaps too good, and maybe it's just easier when people don't know.
I'm taking all the vitamins, I even have hubby taking some concoction of all manner of pills. Even tho he's fine according to all the tests! It has to be me. The worst thing is not knowing tho, if I knew what it was I could do something about it but not knowing is just worse because you don't know what to do. I think I've had three early miscarriages. I'm very lucky with my cycle, I can always predict when my period is going to arrive within 24hrs (usually within 12!) and I'm never late. Except three times. October 2012 I was three days late, January 2013 I was four days late (and abroad for work, miles away from hubby. That one was the worst) and then this month, September 2013, I was seven days late. Seven days. That's unheard of for me.
I am still drinking, which I realise a lot of people will frown upon, but I gave up for three months at the start of this year and that didn't make a difference. So I'd rather relax with a drink every now and again, or enjoy myself when we go out, then feel miserable not drinking at all. And it's not as if I'm drinking a bottle of wine every weekend or as if I'm drinking every day! But that's about it really. I eat a balanced, healthy diet (mainly anyway! Who can't resist a bit of chocolate or some ice cream occasionally?!) and I exercise regularly. Yes, I am a little overweight. About half a stone, maybe a stone tops. But I've tried losing it for two years and no diet works. I've tried the 5:2 thing (six weeks, lost nothing), I've tried upping my exercise and I've tried Slimfast (which surely isn't healthy long term anyway?!) and nothing works. I currently use an app on my phone to count my calories - usually around 1200 a day. And there are days I struggle to hit that! But still the weight won't come off. My husband was convinced I had a thyroid problem, that that would explain not only the weight loss issue but also the fact we couldn't seem to conceive. But it was one of the first things they tested for in my initial blood tests and apparently not.
So there we are. Still, just the HSG to go and we get to see a consultant. Let's all try and stay positive shall we?
Take care folks xx
I am still drinking, which I realise a lot of people will frown upon, but I gave up for three months at the start of this year and that didn't make a difference. So I'd rather relax with a drink every now and again, or enjoy myself when we go out, then feel miserable not drinking at all. And it's not as if I'm drinking a bottle of wine every weekend or as if I'm drinking every day! But that's about it really. I eat a balanced, healthy diet (mainly anyway! Who can't resist a bit of chocolate or some ice cream occasionally?!) and I exercise regularly. Yes, I am a little overweight. About half a stone, maybe a stone tops. But I've tried losing it for two years and no diet works. I've tried the 5:2 thing (six weeks, lost nothing), I've tried upping my exercise and I've tried Slimfast (which surely isn't healthy long term anyway?!) and nothing works. I currently use an app on my phone to count my calories - usually around 1200 a day. And there are days I struggle to hit that! But still the weight won't come off. My husband was convinced I had a thyroid problem, that that would explain not only the weight loss issue but also the fact we couldn't seem to conceive. But it was one of the first things they tested for in my initial blood tests and apparently not.
So there we are. Still, just the HSG to go and we get to see a consultant. Let's all try and stay positive shall we?
Take care folks xx
Introduction and background.
Well, this isn't something I thought I would do. But I find myself increasingly despondent, with not many people I can talk about this to - and, to be honest, of those that do know I don't really want to talk to most of them about it. So here I am.
I've no idea if I can have children - I don't have any. We've been trying for over 18 months now, and about six months ago went to the doctor to see if it was normal to be trying for a year without success. She said most people conceive within 6-12 months, and promptly booked us in for some tests.
Hubby was fine, he's younger than me so it's to be expected really. They couldn't initially find anything wrong with me tho - they were as sure as they could be that I was ovulating, and that there were enough eggs. There were two measures that told them this, I had two blood tests (one on day three and one on day 23 of my cycle) and my progesterone level was 27. It should be 30 apparently but the doctor was happy with that. And my FSH hormone level was 3.8, again this was ok as anywhere around a reading of 10 means that the hormone in the brain is trying very hard to push eggs out. As long as it's low, all is as it should be. If there were a problem with my eggs, or there weren't many of them, this hormone would have a high reading. So there we go. Nothing initially.
We were then referred to a specialist clinic. We went through family history, of mine and his, and went thought the next steps. I had a cervical smear there and then (lovely - since I had no idea that was going to happen and wasn't prepared or psyched up for it!) to test for Chlamydia, and was booked in for further blood tests. They weren't happy with the figure of 27 for my progesterone and so that is being retested - likewise my FSH hormone due to my age (I'm mid-30s). I was also booked in for tests on Gonorrhoea, Syphilis and other such lovelies.
Those tests came and went, meanwhile we kept trying and still nothing. The blood tests are all done, I have one left before we are referred to a consultant. And that's an HSG - Hysterosalpingogram. Which I am really not looking forward to. I was really hoping we would get pregnant before I could phone up and book it - last month I was 7 days late and we were so full of hope. But then the inevitable happened. For those that don't know, this test starts off like a smear - but then x ray dye is injected through the cervix and an x ray taken, to ensure my tubes are clear. I am not looking forward to it in anyway shape or form.
So there you go, that's where we are now. I seem to be surrounded by pregnant people, and children. I don't wish to sound bitter, I genuinely am not, I wish every human being all the happiness in the world. I just don't know why it doesn't seem to be happening for us. I have a friend, who falls pregnant at the drop of a hat. She has three now - all boys. She wants a girl. The fact she has no issues conceiving doesn't seem to even cross her mind, she wants to pick the sex. Right now I'd settle for a baby with nine fingers and nine toes just to have one. Which makes me sound so desperate! Which I'm not sure I am, I am incredibly lucky in my life. Decent job, solid marriage, lovely family and friends. And if that's my lot then fair enough, I'm sure it will be a lot more than many others have.
It really wouldn't be the end of the world if we couldn't have children, we have nieces and nephews and our cousins have children. As do a lot of our friends. If the end of this road came we would probably adopt, there are so many unloved children in the world there is something inherently selfish about going to the ends of the earth just to have your own baby when there are unloved children desperate for a home and family. And I do mean the ends of the earth - I'm sure I could cope with one or two rounds of IVF (if we get that far) but after that I'm not sure I could do it to myself. It's heartbreaking enough every month at the moment, I couldn't keep going through that.
Well the HSG is booked for next week, and since I can count on one hand the number of people who know what we're going through I guess I'll be back here to tell you all about it. This has been pretty cathartic to be honest, it's great to get this all out finally. As time goes on I'm sure there will be more, this was just to get you up to speed with where we are now.
Take care folks xx
I've no idea if I can have children - I don't have any. We've been trying for over 18 months now, and about six months ago went to the doctor to see if it was normal to be trying for a year without success. She said most people conceive within 6-12 months, and promptly booked us in for some tests.
Hubby was fine, he's younger than me so it's to be expected really. They couldn't initially find anything wrong with me tho - they were as sure as they could be that I was ovulating, and that there were enough eggs. There were two measures that told them this, I had two blood tests (one on day three and one on day 23 of my cycle) and my progesterone level was 27. It should be 30 apparently but the doctor was happy with that. And my FSH hormone level was 3.8, again this was ok as anywhere around a reading of 10 means that the hormone in the brain is trying very hard to push eggs out. As long as it's low, all is as it should be. If there were a problem with my eggs, or there weren't many of them, this hormone would have a high reading. So there we go. Nothing initially.
We were then referred to a specialist clinic. We went through family history, of mine and his, and went thought the next steps. I had a cervical smear there and then (lovely - since I had no idea that was going to happen and wasn't prepared or psyched up for it!) to test for Chlamydia, and was booked in for further blood tests. They weren't happy with the figure of 27 for my progesterone and so that is being retested - likewise my FSH hormone due to my age (I'm mid-30s). I was also booked in for tests on Gonorrhoea, Syphilis and other such lovelies.
Those tests came and went, meanwhile we kept trying and still nothing. The blood tests are all done, I have one left before we are referred to a consultant. And that's an HSG - Hysterosalpingogram. Which I am really not looking forward to. I was really hoping we would get pregnant before I could phone up and book it - last month I was 7 days late and we were so full of hope. But then the inevitable happened. For those that don't know, this test starts off like a smear - but then x ray dye is injected through the cervix and an x ray taken, to ensure my tubes are clear. I am not looking forward to it in anyway shape or form.
So there you go, that's where we are now. I seem to be surrounded by pregnant people, and children. I don't wish to sound bitter, I genuinely am not, I wish every human being all the happiness in the world. I just don't know why it doesn't seem to be happening for us. I have a friend, who falls pregnant at the drop of a hat. She has three now - all boys. She wants a girl. The fact she has no issues conceiving doesn't seem to even cross her mind, she wants to pick the sex. Right now I'd settle for a baby with nine fingers and nine toes just to have one. Which makes me sound so desperate! Which I'm not sure I am, I am incredibly lucky in my life. Decent job, solid marriage, lovely family and friends. And if that's my lot then fair enough, I'm sure it will be a lot more than many others have.
It really wouldn't be the end of the world if we couldn't have children, we have nieces and nephews and our cousins have children. As do a lot of our friends. If the end of this road came we would probably adopt, there are so many unloved children in the world there is something inherently selfish about going to the ends of the earth just to have your own baby when there are unloved children desperate for a home and family. And I do mean the ends of the earth - I'm sure I could cope with one or two rounds of IVF (if we get that far) but after that I'm not sure I could do it to myself. It's heartbreaking enough every month at the moment, I couldn't keep going through that.
Well the HSG is booked for next week, and since I can count on one hand the number of people who know what we're going through I guess I'll be back here to tell you all about it. This has been pretty cathartic to be honest, it's great to get this all out finally. As time goes on I'm sure there will be more, this was just to get you up to speed with where we are now.
Take care folks xx
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