A Rollercoaster and a Money Tree

And, we're off..... We had the appointment at the clinic we found at the fertility fair in October (read about that at the end of this post) and we really really liked them. I began investigations the day after, hubby was booked for the following week and then we'd find out on 9th December the results and make a plan for next steps, whatever they turned out to be. I couldn't believe it was all moving so quickly and that by Christmas we'd know where we were, by the New Year we'd have a plan one way or another. After waiting for so long things were now moving very very quickly.

So. In I went for my investigations. As I tweeted at the time, it's very weird seeing your insides on a screen whilst a condom-covered wand is up your foo-foo...... Still, she was pleased with the follicles she saw but not pleased with the cysts she saw. Didn't really mean much without the blood test results admittedly but a good start. I haven't had internal ultrasound since 2013 so I was worried about follicle decline bearing in mind my age but she was happy with what she saw, although one of the cysts will need to be removed before we can start any treatment. I have a small one on my right ovary, which is fine, but the one on my left ovary is 3.5cm wide and covers the whole thing. This meant it was getting in the way of her seeing follicles but she thinks she did see some, all of which made the bloods even more important.

Hubby then went for his fun, which he found hilarious and took some pictures of his little booth to show me later, and so off we went to find out the results. I don't think I have ever felt so nervous, my stomach was twisted. But the results were fine, more than fine actually. I have ten follicles (six on one side, four on the other) and my AMH result was over 40. Hubby outdid me - his boys have 60.5m concentration, 71% motility and 60% morphology (I *think* I've remembered all the numbers correctly..... Even if I haven't we were told all our numbers were way above the average and absolutely nothing to worry about). The relief in the room was palpable. We started talking about next steps and booking things in. We left on an enormous high. And then reality set in.

Yes, both of us have checked out well above the averages (although they still won't know the state of my eggs, and therefore whether they'll actually make a viable embryo, until they take them out of me) and we're on for an IVF cycle early next year but we need to win the lottery. We've already given them £824 (and that's a saving of £250 as we had a voucher for a free initial consultation) and all this is to come:

Assuming my next period starts on time, I go back in early January for a saline sonogram (£395, similar to the HSG that I had before and hated - read about that here - to make sure my tubes are clear) and another internal ultrasound (£250) to see if the cyst is still there. If it's not, great, if it is then I need to be operated on to remove it (£800) before we can start any treatment. We then have a consultative appointment with a nurse later in January where we need to pay the initial £5545 and an additional £2000 for medication. This £5545 covers egg retrieval, fertilisation and all the associated blood tests and scans plus frozen embryo storage for one year. The embryos then get tested to see if they're viable (£600 per embryo) so they'll freeze the embryo(s) and do a biopsy. Depending on the results of the biopsies we'll know at that point how many viable embryos we have. Everything to this point we hopefully (!) only have to do once. Transfer is then £1800 per cycle, obviously if we don't get pregnant in the first cycle it's then £1800 for any following cycle to transfer an embryo - depending on how many we have to transfer and how many times we want to try this.

That's almost £10,000 to get to one viable embryo (more if we have more embryos) and all for a 5% success rate that the £1800 implantation will be a success. Apologies for all the information (which I'd imagine most of you guys know all about already!) and to be rather blunt about it but it's actually helped to write it all out. It is also incredibly overwhelming for us both. As much as we're relieved we've both checked out fine and we're thrilled to have the opportunity to do what medical advances allow us to, there is inevitably an annoyance that we have to do it in the first place since nothing is wrong with us and that the costs are so high with such low odds of success. I really really try to not be one for self pity but at the moment it just doesn't feel fucking fair. Something I know you can all relate to. We plan on talking to the bank about extending the mortgage, not the extent that it cripples us and leaves us unable to move further up the housing ladder, but there's no other way we can get that kind of money and obviously various other projects (new kitchen, new car, creating a driveway, sorting the back garden out, any holiday for the foreseeable future) are now on hold whilst we do this since we need to have the money by mid-January. I mean holy hell. How do you guys do this and just keep going?!

The euphoria that nothing is wrong and we can do this is absolutely tempered by the frustration that we should need to do it at all (but, quite frankly, despite the tests something is clearly wrong otherwise it would have happened by now) and by how much it costs bearing in mind the odds. I still haven't got over the emotional wringer of it all, it's been over a week now and I still find myself at my desk at work with tears constantly welling up in my eyes. As I think I've already said, we're not looking forward to Christmas but New Year should be lovely and then we're back on that rollercoaster whilst we're on the hunt for a money tree. Either way, 2020 should be quite a year.