I'm not ready to do this, any of this, but I have to. I'd still like children and I'm 38, I'm now actually nearer to 39 than 38, and so I have to throw myself into it if I'm going to have half a chance of that. I need to find someone, get to know them and somehow then start trying to have children in such a short space of time. I am not over him, I absolutely am not, but I have to force myself. I have to do this or I will start resenting him - I don't want the fact that I stayed with him for so long and tried (then failed) for so long to be the reason I don't have children of my own. So what else can I do?!
I took my rings off the weekend he moved out. He doesn't know this, he still wears his and whenever I have seen him since I have put my rings back on again. I was in no way ready to take them off, but who is going to talk to me/chat me up if I have a wedding ring on?! Not that anyone has yet, but you get the point.
Christmas was bearable. Christmas Day itself I spent volunteering at a local church that was putting on a Christmas lunch for the elderly who would otherwise have been alone. It was great fun and I really enjoyed it. Boxing Day was then our family Christmas Day and, aside from a couple of flash points, was a pretty good day. I was bossed around by the three year old nephew, had cuddles with my six month old niece and attempted to keep up with the boisterous six year old nephew.
New Year's, however, was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. I had the bright idea of going away with a friend, I thought it would be great to have some girl time and go explore somewhere I'd not been before. Get away from everyone and everything local and take my mind off things. It couldn't have backfired more.
The friend and I got on well enough, we explored a very lovely place but there were awkward silences. There were decisions to be made and some things we couldn't agree on. We didn't fall out or anything please don't get me wrong, but it wasn't the free and easy time I would have had if I'd gone away with him. Where the telepathy is there, where he knows me so well his suggestions of things to do I will pretty much always agree with and vice versa. I hated it. I counted the hours until I could go back home. Once I was home I cried, I'd held it in for so long. Proper, heaving sobs. The same again the next night.
I was doing so well and in one foul swoop I had gone so massively backwards I just didn't want to go on. I knew I didn't want to go back to him, that decision is absolutely final and I am not reversing it under any circumstances, but I was suddenly massively missing the life I had and hating the life I have now. Despite a foray onto the app based dating scene nothing has materialised. I am alone. And I hate it. I miss him desperately but I don't want him back. He opted for the easy life over me, it is that simple. There was one thing that needed fixing and, for whatever reason, he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't want to fix it. Despite knowing what the cost of that was. And so he lost me. I am not going back to someone who professes to love me yet clearly thinks so little of me.
But there is an undeniable bond between us. We still get on so well, still know each other so well. We text regularly, speak on the phone once or twice a week and meet up about once a fortnight ish. We're even talking about going away together over Easter somewhere warm. I'm not sure how healthy that is I admit but I'm damned if I'm repeating the New Year break and how that made me feel. I'd like a holiday, I feel so drained I think I NEED a holiday. Emotional exhaustion from the past few months as well as a stinking cold that hung around for over 8 weeks have really taken it out of me. And so what if I decide to go away with him? I've made it very clear it would be as friends, and I know I'll have a good time. I have no issues going by myself but that can throw up complications I'm not emotionally strong enough at the moment to deal with. But I know going away with him will be relaxed and easy, there won't be awkward decisions to make and it'll all just flow. If that makes sense? It might not happen, we may not find anywhere we want to go or it all might be too expensive. But the idea is out there.
There is no denying however that, at the moment, I am under a very black cloud indeed and it just won't shift. I'd got myself into such a good place before Christmas and it feels like all my hard work has come categorically undone. I'm back to crying more, I'm back to drinking far far far too much. I am at least eating fairly well but I'm not doing any exercise, I don't want to see anyone or go out. Not that I've had any invitations. He's been taken out with friends on numerous occasions. I know it's slightly different, altho he has far fewer friends then me they are (understandably) mainly male and so even tho they have kids they are, to a certain extent, freer and able to go out more often. Pretty much all of my friends aren't local anymore and they have kids, houses to run, jobs. I know it's a cliché but that's how life goes I guess. Whether we like it or not that seems to be how things work. But, a couple of wonderful wonderful ladies aside, no one is even checking in on me by text. Asking how I am. If I wanted to do anything.
Those select few who are in touch I love more than I think I did before, they have truly picked me up when I've been on the ground and I don't think they even know it. These are the people that keep me going when I wonder what the point of it all is. When I wonder if there is any point still being on this earth. My job has also been a saviour. I am very lucky that, despite a very long commute, I do absolutely love what I do so I at least have a reason to get out of bed five days a week. It's the weekends that have killed me. When once the thought of two whole days of doing nothing would be bliss it's turned into a nightmare. The hours just stretch ahead of me with nothing to fill them. There is the TV of course, I have books to read, but I'm not particularly interested in either. I've considered going out somewhere for the day or going out for a long walk but the weather at this time of year (particularly atrocious at the moment for some reason) has put paid to any of those ideas.
So on Monday I decided I couldn't spend another weekend like that. I have booked two weekends away, both to see ladies that I mention above, so I have something to look forward to. So that I know there are at least a couple of weekends when the darkness and loneliness don't just stretch ahead of me like a never ending road. I'm not entirely sure that this is the start of the cloud lifting but it's something. I hate feeling like this and I don't know how to shift it. But that's one step at least I guess.
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