Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming........

Aaaah hello dear blog. We meet again.

Yes yes ok I might have had some wine..... But I have a confession to make. My last blogpost (here) was quite an angry and bitter one and was also, dear readers, written almost two months ago but due to the complexities of my job and the ridiculously busy time of year I find myself in professionally at the moment, the earliest chance I had to 'finesse' it (if that's even the right word. Do you 'finesse' a blogpost?!) was earlier this month. And so that's when it was published. My feelings about the situation have changed slightly in the sense that I am now at peace with how things lie. She can go and lead her life and I shall lead mine. I will try my darndest (altho I guess I make no promises) not to blog about her again. I am not going to waste any more energy on her.

So. For what purpose am I turning to my little outpost this evening? And after wine no less! Well, the glorious Salt in the Womb who is not only one of my favourite twitter posters but also writes one of my absolute favourite infertility blogs (here is my very own little fangirl post about it) posed a question the other day that piqued my interest. She tweeted the following:

"Friends, I need your help. Which subjects don't get discussed enough re #infertility? Cost? Emotions? Relationships? Speak yo mind"

To which the two most pertinent topics that responders mentioned, to my mind, were:

• Family dynamics when siblings have kids when you're not/can't, and parents (would be grandparents) not handling it well
• Parents can't understand/identify what you're going through

And:

• The effect infertility & IVF has on relationships, intimacy & sex in my opinion
• Sex is a big one for me. It's hard to know if we will ever get back what we had
• Ditto for us! I'm not sure you can ever go back, just create a new normal
• How to avoid drifting into being roommates. How to get that feeling back?!

Both of these are utterly relevant to me. Issues with the first set of responses hit home recently whilst trying to sort out the arrangements for my youngest nephew's birthday (his falls just five days after mine). My own mother told me that since we were childless all we had to do was worry about work so surely we were the ones that should be flexible. Way to kick a girl when you're down. Thanks mum.

However it was all the comments on the last post that really hit me where it hurts. I have been there, ladies and gentleman, and I have the t-shirt. The comment about drifting to roommates particularly resonated - is that what hubby and I were on the verge of due to our lack of intimacy? I've written about this before here and the pain that comes with that situation I understand very well. Despite the love and affection, without the intimacy that one would associate with a marriage is the relationship just a friendship? We were in that limbo for over two years. It was only earlier this year that we broke it and things are starting to return to normal. Or at least a semblance of normal, a different normal that (at the moment at least!) seems to be working out just fine. It doesn't help admittedly that hubby works shifts and his pattern means that there are at least two or three nights every week that we don't see each other. And the ones that we do he is invariably knackered. But you push through - you don't force things but you don't give up on things either.

I want to give hope to those that posted the responses above - it CAN happen. You CAN get it back. It might not be the same, but it is infitely better than where you were..... Keep going :)

No Way Back......

I find myself short of words again, but for a very different reason this time. Not so the joys and memories of Cuba (here!) but the absolute insensitivities of someone who is supposed to be my friend. Altho, to be honest, what exactly connects us now?! I'm not getting anything out of her friendship-wise and, altho I naively tried (here), she's getting nothing out of me either. I guess I just call her a 'friend' as that's what she was and is therefore the label I give her. It's not exactly accurate anymore but hey ho. We are where we are.

There are a lot of you who will already be familiar with the girl of which I speak, I've written about her a lot lately as she plays on my mind frequently. She has always been very matter of fact about what she's doing and seems to have lost all sense of perspective. I found out a couple of months ago that she had one more frozen female embryo left and would therefore be going back to California in May for transfer. Just her - no hubby. How on earth she disguised it this time I have no idea. Last time it was labelled a 'holiday' for the two of them (and therefore bugged the crap out of me - it was not a holiday), but there is no need for him this time.

Now, I don't wish to assume too much here as this is dangerous ground to be making such assumptions but he's in his mid-40s, from a few conversations I have had with other friends on the subject I'm not sure he wants more children but loves her too much to say otherwise as she so clearly wants this and he wants to make her happy. But, like I say, it's not as if I've actually talked to either of them about this so I could be completely wrong - he may want a football team. But as the sole financial provider for the family I wouldn't hedge my bets on that one.....

Question is, if this transfer is successful how will her relationship with her three boys change? I'm sure she won't love them any less but once she has the girl she has always dreamt of will she just leave the boys alone? "I don't want you now...." I realise that's callous as I'm sure she genuinely does love those boys but for some reason she prizes a girl over all of them and so something will surely shift if she gets her wish, no?

To be honest I am almost more hurt by how she's treated me. She just cannot see it - she has never told me anything herself, has no empathy towards me at all. When I tried to reach out to her and texted her about flights all I needed was a simple 'thank you' reply but of course I didn't get that which just made me beyond angry. It really has got to the stage now where I genuinely don't care if I ever see her again. Which I do find sad. But maybe people come into your life for a reason. I may have met her aged 11, and the reason for meeting her didn't become clear until we were in out early 20s (it was through her, albeit indirectly, that I met hubby!), but now we're in our mid-30s it may well be time to just let go. The hurt is too much, as is the obvious complete and utter disregard for my feelings. That's not how friendship works.

It really is that lack of compassion that just astounds me. Despite me showing some compassion to her - I have stated before that I cannot begin to understand how losing her mum must have been for her. When she is the mum of three small boys and her mum was only in her mid-60s, it must have been gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking. I understand this must have increased her need, nay desperation, for a daughter of her own to replicate the experience she had just lost with her mum. It must be desperation for the destruction and absolute disregard for everyone else's feelings she has caused to pursue this 'dream' of hers.

And in a way that is what hurts more. That is what makes me not want to see her, makes me so completely and utterly ANGRY. If she wants to do this, fine - it's her life. Really it is and she is free to do with it what she wishes. But I am supposed to be her friend. Could she not have a single ounce of thought towards me??!!