Well, this is difficult to write. The past couple of weeks have been incredibly eye-opening.
I sit here pretty much close to tears, and whilst I admit I may not be entirely sober, the old adage of things coming to light clearly whence otherwise they might be blurry comes to mind.
My oldest group of girlfriends are meeting up again on Monday. Without me. I was not invited. The girl who is organising it is the girl I speak of here, the one who is going to California in January for gender selective IVF. The gathering has been organised through Facebook messenger, which I have bemoaned of in the past. I cannot get on Facebook at work (due to the nature of my employment it is a banned site) and I refuse to install FB messenger on my phone due to all the various connotations of what is involved and what privacy you give up during the download. Therefore I have frequently said to my friends that, whilst they may organise things through FB, it is always best to text me as well. And at every other meet up this has been done. Right up to the meet up in October when I finally opened up to said friend and admitted that I couldn't be around her at this current moment in time. Up until I admitted that to her I had been texted about any meet up despite a FB conversation running parallel.
For this December meet up I was not included in the messages. No one texted me to let me know it was happening. I found out when and where due to second hand conversations with other friends. The reason being banded about for me not going is that I refuse to participate in FB messenger conversations (bollocks, this has been the case for years and previously they have just texted me instead) or that I 'cannot cope' with the large en masse group meet ups when they talk about nothing but children (again, bollocks. This may have been the case last year when things were more raw but I have got a lot better this year and made at least one of said group meet ups. Not the issue it was anymore). It irks like you wouldn't believe that these things are being said behind my back. These assumptions that are not true, that not one of them has the balls to actually confront me about and ask if that is indeed that case.
The one and only reason that I have not been invited to this particular meet up is that the person organising it knows I do not want to be around her. No. Other. Reason. And not only that, the organiser has not admitted to the group why. Which is, I imagine, why the other reasons I outlined above are being banded about. There is one and one reason only why I do not want to go - her. And as she is organising it she cannot admit to that. If someone asks why I am not there it is clearly easier for her to make up an excuse rather than to say 'she doesn't want to be around me at the moment'.
Now, I feel at this point I should admit something to you dear reader. I am not exactly sober. I have had a particularly rubbish week at work. That has exacerbated my feelings. Does that mean that the basis in which my feelings lie are rubbish? No. Absolutely not. Does that mean I may well have not picked the best words and might have overreacted slightly to current events? Yes, that is entirely likely. However, in the same breath that does not make my feelings worthless. It does not make the rawness and pain in my heart any less real. That these girls, who I have known for twenty years now, who I opened my heart up to earlier this year and let them know exactly what we were going through, I feel I am drifting from. I feel they no longer understand where I am coming from. Where I am.
Is this self imposed? Is that the old-fashioned self-fulfilling prophecy? That I am clearly not worthy of good things. That I don't deserve anything that I'd actually like to have. That someone somewhere has decided that I shouldn't have a family, that I shouldn't have what most people hold dear. That I am destined to be alone (which is horseshite, I have a wonderful family and the most absolutely truly amazing husband) and that this suffering is actually enjoyable.Therefore I destroy these things, therefore I don't have them, therefore I was not worthy of them in the first place. The old vicious circle. Is this wallowing in self pity? Not entirely. Is this raising the ghosts of a very very troubled teenage years? More than likely.
It may not also help that I have hardly seen hubby this week. With various Christmas do's and catch ups with friends, and his shifts, I last saw him properly on Tuesday evening and (aside from possibly a brief hug tomorrow morning if he gets home in time) I won't see him properly now until Sunday lunchtime. He fixes me. He knows what to do, what to say, and he always makes things better. I feel the timing of these feelings inside me and his current shift patten could not have been worse.
Maybe I am better off alone. I don't wish to sound as if I'm being self-absorbed, really I don't, but there has always been - and quite possible still is - a self destructive streak within me. Do I want to destroy these friendships as I believe I'm better off without? Just because they don't understand what I'm going through I should cut them loose? I don't know. There are members of the group who I truly love and have been absolutely wonderful friends through the darkest hours of the past year or two. But the arrangement of this meet up has brought things into sharp focus. It has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
I hope to get past it. I hope to go back to how things were. Even, eventually, with my friend who is off to sunnier climes for dubious reasons in January. On one hand I am forever the optimist, that things will work out and we'll all be friends again. On the other hand I feel so alone that I want nothing to do with any of them. Oh the contradictions I live with. Plus ca change.
Friday, 11 December 2015
Wednesday, 2 December 2015
Self Protection and the Art of Avoidance
Howdy.
I appear to be borrowing from other media outlets quite a bit of late (see my twitter feed or my secondary infertility post here) but I recently came across this:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/31/mothers-stop-moaning-about-motherhood
Wow. Just wow. The pain in that is all too raw and, whilst I am not exactly in the same boat as I am very happily married, I can certainly relate to an awful lot of what she has to say.
Her opening gambit -
"Last week, I received an upsetting email about a pregnant acquaintance. Apparently she is devastated – I repeat, devastated – because her most recent scan shows that her unborn baby is a boy. The mother of two sons will not be having a girl and she is, our mutual emailing friend tells me, beside herself. Dreadful."
Cuts particularly deep at the moment as it strikes a little too close to home. I also have a dear friend who is a mum to three boys (I may well have blogged about her before, my memory on this is hazy but there's bound to be a mention somewhere!); three gorgeous, happy boys. Whilst she was trying for the second she tried all manner of things to try and make sure it was a girl - diet, position, day in cycle, supplements. But it wasn't to be, a bouncing boy arrived to be a brother to the first. When trying for the third she went even further.
She had read somewhere that women in Africa are statistically more likely to conceive a girl as they are malnourished. Where she got this from and how true this is I have no idea, I suspect it's utter hokem since it is a man's sperm that determines the sex of the child. It's nothing to do with the woman. But still, she believed it so went on an incredibly extreme diet - and conceived another boy.
She is now looking to expand the brood further but is desperate for that baby girl. Erm. Why?! And this is where the infertile in me takes over - you have three healthy, easily conceived children. Yet that is not good enough for you. WHY?! Not just that, but how will the younger two feel if (heaven forbid!) they ever find out that they weren't good enough? Mum wanted a girl and did all manner of things to try and make it happen - it didn't so here you are. What on earth would that do to them? Further, I have friends (and indeed, family) who just have boys. Is that not good enough either in her eyes? You're not a success unless you have at least one of each sex? A matching pair?! Madness. And it makes me very very angry.
I have struggled to be around her, sat at the opposite end of the table at gatherings etc., but earlier this year it just all got too much. I am very fond of her, I have known her since school and she had a hand in me meeting my husband. But I can no longer be around her. She wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF.
Again - she wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF. She is fully aware of our situation (I 'came out' to my closest group of girlfriends, the group from school, in January this year) and, to give her a semblance of credit, she knows how mad it is that she's even considering it. But she can't let it go. Earlier this year her mum died unexpectedly, she was only in her 60s. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for her, genuinely I can't. However, the amount of money her mum left her is the exact amount she needs to cover the treatment and she took this as a sign. So at some point she'll be off to California for treatment, leaving behind three boys under the age of 6. How do you start to explain to them where you're going and why?! Especially when you are, to all intents and purposes, the sole carer as their father works all hours and some weekends.
I don't know what's worse - the fact that I want it to fail or the fact that I want her to conceive another boy even if it's through IVF. Having said that, she could conceive a girl who turns out to want to be a boy. Who knows. I still rather she didn't have that last outcome though......
Our group of friends all met up in October for dinner, she kept texting me asking if I was going to join them. Initially I said I just wasn't sure. But I had to be honest with her, so I told her that I couldn't see her. Didn't want to be around her. I was very clear that it was just for one reason and one reason only and that it is just for this moment in time. I am truly hopeful that at some point in the future this will not be as painful and I can cope with being around her. I also hope that the time apart won't damage our friendship too much. I do value her dearly. But at this precise moment in time I cannot trust myself around her, cannot trust myself to say something that cannot be taken back and therefore irreparably damage our relationship. For now, should I see her, it will take all the strength I posses not to grab her with both hands and yell WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???!??!???!?!!
So it's probably best that I don't see her for the foreseeable future. Which is sad, but I have to protect myself. I'm sorry as I am always in favour of putting other people first but every now and again I have to put myself first for the sake of my health and my sanity. I cannot see her at the moment. I just can't.
I appear to be borrowing from other media outlets quite a bit of late (see my twitter feed or my secondary infertility post here) but I recently came across this:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/mar/31/mothers-stop-moaning-about-motherhood
Wow. Just wow. The pain in that is all too raw and, whilst I am not exactly in the same boat as I am very happily married, I can certainly relate to an awful lot of what she has to say.
Her opening gambit -
"Last week, I received an upsetting email about a pregnant acquaintance. Apparently she is devastated – I repeat, devastated – because her most recent scan shows that her unborn baby is a boy. The mother of two sons will not be having a girl and she is, our mutual emailing friend tells me, beside herself. Dreadful."
Cuts particularly deep at the moment as it strikes a little too close to home. I also have a dear friend who is a mum to three boys (I may well have blogged about her before, my memory on this is hazy but there's bound to be a mention somewhere!); three gorgeous, happy boys. Whilst she was trying for the second she tried all manner of things to try and make sure it was a girl - diet, position, day in cycle, supplements. But it wasn't to be, a bouncing boy arrived to be a brother to the first. When trying for the third she went even further.
She had read somewhere that women in Africa are statistically more likely to conceive a girl as they are malnourished. Where she got this from and how true this is I have no idea, I suspect it's utter hokem since it is a man's sperm that determines the sex of the child. It's nothing to do with the woman. But still, she believed it so went on an incredibly extreme diet - and conceived another boy.
She is now looking to expand the brood further but is desperate for that baby girl. Erm. Why?! And this is where the infertile in me takes over - you have three healthy, easily conceived children. Yet that is not good enough for you. WHY?! Not just that, but how will the younger two feel if (heaven forbid!) they ever find out that they weren't good enough? Mum wanted a girl and did all manner of things to try and make it happen - it didn't so here you are. What on earth would that do to them? Further, I have friends (and indeed, family) who just have boys. Is that not good enough either in her eyes? You're not a success unless you have at least one of each sex? A matching pair?! Madness. And it makes me very very angry.
I have struggled to be around her, sat at the opposite end of the table at gatherings etc., but earlier this year it just all got too much. I am very fond of her, I have known her since school and she had a hand in me meeting my husband. But I can no longer be around her. She wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF.
Again - she wants to go to a clinic in California for gender-selective IVF. She is fully aware of our situation (I 'came out' to my closest group of girlfriends, the group from school, in January this year) and, to give her a semblance of credit, she knows how mad it is that she's even considering it. But she can't let it go. Earlier this year her mum died unexpectedly, she was only in her 60s. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for her, genuinely I can't. However, the amount of money her mum left her is the exact amount she needs to cover the treatment and she took this as a sign. So at some point she'll be off to California for treatment, leaving behind three boys under the age of 6. How do you start to explain to them where you're going and why?! Especially when you are, to all intents and purposes, the sole carer as their father works all hours and some weekends.
I don't know what's worse - the fact that I want it to fail or the fact that I want her to conceive another boy even if it's through IVF. Having said that, she could conceive a girl who turns out to want to be a boy. Who knows. I still rather she didn't have that last outcome though......
Our group of friends all met up in October for dinner, she kept texting me asking if I was going to join them. Initially I said I just wasn't sure. But I had to be honest with her, so I told her that I couldn't see her. Didn't want to be around her. I was very clear that it was just for one reason and one reason only and that it is just for this moment in time. I am truly hopeful that at some point in the future this will not be as painful and I can cope with being around her. I also hope that the time apart won't damage our friendship too much. I do value her dearly. But at this precise moment in time I cannot trust myself around her, cannot trust myself to say something that cannot be taken back and therefore irreparably damage our relationship. For now, should I see her, it will take all the strength I posses not to grab her with both hands and yell WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???!??!???!?!!
So it's probably best that I don't see her for the foreseeable future. Which is sad, but I have to protect myself. I'm sorry as I am always in favour of putting other people first but every now and again I have to put myself first for the sake of my health and my sanity. I cannot see her at the moment. I just can't.
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