It's not all bad :)

After my rubbish weekend of three (three!) pregnancy announcements I decided to try and take something positive from it. Unbeknownst to me it was actually National Infertility Awareness Week (in the UK at least) last week and can you guess how much coverage there had been of that in the media? Yep, nothing. Not a sausage.

So. I wrote a post on my FB feed. I thought if I link it to NIAW then maybe people will think I'm just showing support for that rather than 'outing' myself. But at the same time part of me wondered how many others were struggling in private and for them to just have an inkling that there weren't alone made me think it was worth doing.

This is what I posted:

I must admit I thought long and hard about posting it. I wrote it and re-wrote it and hovered over the 'post' button for a good few minutes going round and round in circles in my head. As I've already mentioned (here) we decided a while ago that moving forward, whilst we won't exactly shout it from the rooftops, we would stop lying if anyone ever asked us anything. So, I posted it.....

I hadn't even realised it was the awareness week until the Sunday of that week (i.e. the last day of NIAW) and I think that's what gave me the last push to post it - if I hadn't done it on that day then it didn't really fit with that. And people could then make their own conclusions!

I was still nervous though and did think I'd give it half an hour or so and then delete it if the comments were nasty, or if there were no comments/likes at all. It could disappear into the ether as if it had never existed. But I was so touched and genuinely surprised by the response it garnered out in the 'open air' (as it were!). Not only did I have comments on my post but I also had some direct messages from friends that, of course completely unknown to me, had been fighting the IF battle alone. So, now, I'm very very glad I did post that. Infertility seems to be such a private thing, almost taboo to talk about openly which is astounding when you look at the stats - it affects so many who must just suffer in silence. Which is horrible.

I may not have completely 'outed' myself but it was enough of a hint for those that recognise the signs to get in touch. And for that I am incredibly grateful, to know just one person knows they're no longer alone makes it worth posting. Even for the couple of negative comments I got I still don't care as the good has so completely outweighed the bad.

And whilst that may be out in the open there are still only a very select few who know about this blog and related twitter account, so I can still vent true feelings within the safety net of anonymity! Almost the best of both worlds. And I think that's how I'd like it to stay. As much as I know it may sound hypocritical after what I've just said about it being a taboo subject, but nevertheless I do think it's one thing alluding to it - it's another entirely to go into the level of detail I do here. Unless you're on this side of the fence you will never ever truly understand what it feels like to be an infertile. So, for now, let's just keep the details between us eh? :) 

I thought you were one of us, I was wrong......

Morning.

Yesterday wasn't much fun. Three pregnancy announcements on my FB feed before midday. Three. Do they all time them specially to come out together?! Admittedly one of them my mum had already given me a heads up about but nevertheless it was now in the public domain and being gushed over. The second one was a bit surprising as I thought the couple didn't want children, nevertheless I am obviously pleased for them. The lady in question is not one to overly emote on FB so the post itself was actually made by a third party (I'd be interested to know how she felt about being outed like that!) and there wasn't the usual outpouring of emotional diarrhea. The third one, however, stung slightly.

I've known her for a long time, they got married the year after we did. Over the past couple of years she'd said a few things in passing that rang alarm bells and I'd wondered for a while whether to ask something that would confirm my suspicions. Was she in the same boat that we were? I'd even considered writing a blogpost about her! Going through the things she'd said and asking advice - was I putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5? If the general consensus was that I was actually right, how should I approach the subject with her? All of that is slightly moot now.

To be fair, I may have got close to the truth. They could well have struggled over the past couple of years, they may well have had tests, started treatment. They could be one of many who fall naturally during the treatment/assessment process due to one of life's delicious ironies. They may have conceived through treatment. I don't know. I will now have no way of knowing, the window has passed. She is pregnant.

So yes, this third FB announcement stung slightly. I thought she was one of us, had for so long thought about saying something to her, letting her know she wasn't alone during this horrific process. But I never found the right time, wasn't sure enough in my deductions that she was indeed in this club. And now I doubt I'll ever know...... Do you bring this kind of conversation up post-pregnancy announcement?! Or is that in poor taste?

Answers on a postcard!

A little 'off topic' - Secondary Infertility

I recently came across this blog post –

http://www.blogher.com/when-are-you-going-have-another-baby

It’s about secondary infertility but there are a lot of similarities to ‘general’ infertility and in some ways I guess it’s worse – you have a child yes, but that only proves you’ve conceived once so you assume you’ll be able to conceive again. And then you don’t.

It also proves what we as a group of infertiles already know – don’t ever, ever EVER judge a book by its cover. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors. I have lost count of the number of times we have been asked over the years ‘so, when are you going to have children then?’.  This number increases tenfold with every year of marriage that goes by. Obviously we could be completely open and tell everyone the truth (pah!) or we have the various lines of defence we’ve always gone with (‘plenty of time for that’ ‘yeah, one day’) and I’m sure others can quite simply get away with saying they don’t want children if only to shut up the person asking the question.

But how much harder is that if you already have one child? How many times do you get asked when the next one is coming along? How many times does the child you already have innocently wish out loud for a sibling? Again, there are no doubt many that will claim they only wanted one child whilst secretly dying inside. You’ve managed to conceive once, who knew that that’s when infertility would kick in and you wouldn’t be able to conceive a second time?

I genuinely don’t know which is worse.