Round Two

So, now the horrendous post about my brother is out of the way I can finally get on with telling you what we've been up to earlier his year! If you follow me on twitter as well you'll already know some of this, so apologies, but I always find it quite therapeutic to actually get it all down in writing in more detail than twitter's 50 character limit will allow.

The last post I actually wrote about infertility is here, we had one frosty that we weren't sure what to do with and a friend that had kindly offered to give us about 70% of the money we'd need to do a second round. But did we want to do a second round? We went back and forth on this a lot after what had happened during our first round, would the same thing happen again? 

Eventually we decided to go ahead with it, but more for closure. We didn't expect it to work. Having said that there is, of course, always hope. Sometimes I wish there wasn't, but it is always there. When I say that this round was more for closure, I sincerely hope it doesn't sound callous or insensitive to anyone who is struggling to afford a second round or is just struggling with IVF in general. I know how lucky we were to get another round, we genuinely didn't think we would and were only able to since a friend of mine gave us a not insignificant amount of money. We weren't eligible for any rounds on the NHS and took a bank loan for the first round, which we're still paying back, so genuinely thought that our first round was our only shot. But we have been granted another chance. For us however it is not a chance to get pregnant, most (!) of me really doesn't think that will happen, it's a chance to answer the final niggling questions that we have about why things don't work. Haven't worked, won't ever work.

So, April this year we went off on the rollercoaster again - morning injections, frequent internal scans. Fun fun fun. I had a different drug in the 'pen' this time though and didn't get the pain that led hubby to take me to A&E the first time round. I have no idea if that's just a coincidence or if my body is just used to this shit now but there you go. I didn't quite follow the same pattern as the first round, although the clinic were happy with what they saw at every scan. The day I went in for a scan, on what was the equivalent in my first round of booking the trigger shot, they decided that my follicles weren't doing as well as they would have liked and so prescribed me more drugs for the trigger to be four days later. That didn't sit well with work but hey, needs must and work were very understanding about it all.

The retrieval operation did not go as well this time round for many reasons. First and foremost, due to Covid, hubby had to leave me before I went into theatre and he wasn't there when I came round afterwards. When I did come round I was in a lot of pain, far more than I had been first time round, and I hated that he wasn't there. They wouldn't bring him down until they'd done some more checks on me, I eventually found out that there had been some complications. I'd bled a lot from the vaginal incision so they had to fix that, plus there had been an issue with one of my ovaries. They had found a chocolate cyst which they'd also had to deal with. At least that all explained the extra pain! They'd had to put antibiotics through my canular as well as the sedative during the procedure and once I said how much pain I was in they also put some liquid paracetamol through it. That didn't work either so I was given some co-codamol tablets. 

By then I was stable so we were given the news. In our first round they'd got 20 eggs out of me (20!! Still astounded at the number despite how things turned out) but this time there were only six. Six. That seemed like a kick in the teeth, we'd gone through it all again for a lousy six eggs. Now, this of course was not my first rodeo so I know it's actually all about how many were mature and how many fertilised rather than how many were retrieved in the first place. Nevertheless, it didn't feel like a good place to be starting at when I compared it to our first round. 

As it turned out, it really was quality not quantity - of the six collected, all six were mature and five fertilised. So that put us on a much better footing! Nine fertilised from our first round so we were really hopeful that this time we might actually end up with something. Despite having to continuously remind myself of the reasons we were doing this - for closure, for answers. It wasn't going to work, remember?!

And it didn't. Of the five that fertilised only two made it to blastocyst and they failed the same tests the ones from the first round had - not suitable for transfer. So that was that. Except that, if you recall, one of our blastos from the first round hadn't failed but had come back as a 'no result'. Did we risk a transfer? We went back and forth on this one a lot. But at the end of the day we decided to take a punt, we decided that we'd always be asking ourselves 'what if' if we didn't. So, five months after starting drugs for our second round of IVF I started the drugs to prepare for transfer. Hormone patches, more injections and pessaries. All the fun of the fair.

The patches were annoying, they didn't stick and frequently came off in the shower. Cue panic that I wasn't getting the hormones in my system. The first injections, Fyremadel, were the same as the second injections from a normal IVF round (i.e. to stop me ovulating) so that was fine - well, as fine as these things ever are. However the injections that I then switched to for the second week were more problematic. We were given a small vial, a tube and two sets of needles. You needed attach a needle to the tube, draw the liquid from the vial (which I was rubbish at but hubby proved very adept) and then inject it. Trouble is, they didn't tell me there were two different needles for this process. A very large and very thick needle to draw up the liquid, then a very small and very thin needle to then inject. The first time I did this I injected with the larger needle which was just BEYOND painful. We only found the second smaller needles on the second day and suddenly it all made sense. So, injection fun plus patches fun. Oh! And twice daily pessaries. Mustn't forget them. You can see in this pic the size of the needles (the green ones are the larger ones that I incorrectly used to inject myself initially):

All of the scans I had throughout this process were fine, lining way above what they were looking for and where it needed to be so all systems go. Transfer was all booked, paperwork filled out and hoops jumped through. It was finally going to happen, I was ACTUALLY going to be pregnant!!!! Now, please don't get me wrong - I was fully prepared for the test you have to take two weeks later to be negative. Genuinely I was, but for two glorious weeks I would be properly really actually (albeit technically......) pregnant. 

However it was not to be. The morning that transfer was booked for, when hubby was already on his way into town and I was half an hour away from leaving work the clinic called. Our little embryo hadn't survived the thawing process and so that was it. They were that heartless about it too, the empathy of their embryologists really does leave a lot to be desired but that's another conversation. I was heartbroken, of all the 'it's not going to work' scenarios I'd gone through in my head this wasn't one of them. I'd always assumed the transfer would happen and it would just fail at some point after that - the two-week-later test would be negative or, even if it was positive, I'd lose it before 12 weeks. I had never even considered that the transfer wouldn't actually happen. 

I tried to ask if we could try with one of the other embryos we had, I knew they were all technically unviable but I'd taken all the drugs and we had a slot in theatre so surely there was something that could be done?! The embryologist didn't know what to do with me so said one of the consultants would call me back. Once that phone call was over I desperately tried to get hold of hubby but he was on the tube. I left so many missed calls that he phoned me as soon as he was above ground, before the consultant had called me back. He was equally heartbroken but when he found out how the news had been broken to me he got angry - he wanted to go round there (I was still at work but he was ten minutes' walk from the clinic) and talk to someone. I told him not to just as the consultant called so I hung up on him with a promise to call straight back and took the other call. 

The consultant was far more measured and far more apologetic. She at least said she couldn't believe this had happened after all we'd been through and she was so sorry. I asked about another embryo, and she explained that it just wasn't possible. HFEA rules state that the remainder of our embryos could not be transferred due to the results of the tests that they had undergone, it really was game over. I hung up in tears and called hubby back to explain. He cried. I just wanted to hug him. I told him I was going to leave work so he got the tube over and I said I'd meet him by the station nearest work.

I picked up my bag and coat and went to my boss' office. I walked in, told him in tears that I was going home (it was 10.30am at this point) and he, knowing our history although not knowing about the transfer, just looked at me and said 'oh no, what's happened?'. I told him everything, we hadn't told anyone (not even parents) that we were going for the transfer as we hadn't wanted to get hopes up so he was technically the first person I told. He was lovely. I left before 11am, met hubby and we went to get very very drunk. We'd reassess things further down the line but at that moment booze is what was needed.

This had all taken place on a Friday and the following day, as fate would have it, we had to go to eldest nephew's birthday party. The same nephew who's birthday party the previous year had started the situation that I now find myself in with my brother. As you can imagine, that was exactly where I wanted to be. As fate would have it, my parents were late so when they arrived we went out to meet them in the car park to tell them. My brother happened to be there at the same time and when hubby said he had something to tell them I believe my brother's exact words were 'I don't need to hear this'. To which hubby, to give him credit, just looked at him and said 'yes you do'. After he'd told them all of the events of the day before my brother just walked off, looked like he couldn't care less. And I hate that that bothers me. I shouldn't have been surprised, but there you go. Mum and dad didn't really take it in as they were surrounded by sister-in-law's family and the kids a few minutes later but at least the news was out there. 

We went over the hubby's parents that evening and told them, the following weekend we spent more time with my parents and went through it properly. But it was all so horrible. I went into work on the Monday as I was sure I'd be fine, I had things to do and needed the distraction. But I couldn't concentrate. Couldn't stop the tears from coming. I was sent home at 3pm, I didn't go back that week. I did a little work from home towards the end of the week but that was it.

I spent a lot of that week at home just crying. It was over. My eyes were so sore but still the tears came, I will never be pregnant. I will never have a child of my own. This is it. The pain was too much. I still had marks on my legs from the patches:

I couldn't scratch them off, no matter how hard I tried they wouldn't go away. Hubby caught me trying to peel the skin off my legs to try and get rid of the marks. Permanent reminders of what had happened. I couldn't deal with it. 

The next week the UK government announced changes to the international travel rules and we started to look at holidays. Two weeks later we booked our break. The sunshine did wonders for my skin and the marks that had been on my legs finally disappeared. We've realised we don't have to go through our local council for adoption, that there are other agencies we can use so that route has opened up again. Hopefully. We'll look at it next year. For now we just need time to grieve, to heal. Although, to be honest, I'm not convinced I'll ever fully heal from this.

    

Fractious Families - And so it continues........ FOURTH AND (hopefully) FINAL

***WARNING - this post is going to be very VERY long***

This is the longest gap between blogs that I have ever left, it's the first post I have published this year. Every time I have come to write this I haven't been able to do it, there has been anger and tears and I've had to step away. But there are other things that I need to blog about so I need to get through this, close this chapter, put it behind me. So here we go. 

(this follows on from this post, which may or may not be useful to read. And, as ever, this is an anonymous blog so I've changed names used to titles as I have done for previous exchanges but I hope it doesn't deflect from reading it)

If you have read my last blog from November, you'll know that I had finally decided to stand up to my brother after years of him treating me badly and it hadn't exactly gone well. His essay of a response was quite something and is the subject of that last blogpost. Before I replied to that essay he'd sent me, I posted a parcel of Halloween sweets to his children. It was the end of October and Covid restrictions in the UK had just been changed so I knew I wouldn't be able to see them over the half term holiday when Halloween fell. I'd done exactly the same for my goddaughter and didn't think anything of it, as far as I was concerned it was just a nice thing to do. I get the following from my brother the day the parcel arrives:

HIM

Your parcel arrived today. Without any pre-meditated agenda, what were your thoughts in sending them it?

I didn't reply. I didn't appreciate the tone of the message and whenever I get a message from him my heart races a little faster, my hackles go up and I can feel my chest tightening. I have to step away, which is what I did. Five days later I ignored the message about the sweets and I replied directly to his essay from the week before:

ME

'I’m not expecting a reply to this, in fact I don't want one'. But what if I want to reply? This is an example of your controlling behaviour and domineering personality that I mentioned.

If one of the kids became unwell we’d know what to do, of course we would. Just because we don’t have children of our own doesn’t mean we don’t know what to do when things happen. Likewise if they have a strop we’d deal with it. There was a time at Center Parcs last summer when YOUNGEST NEPHEW got himself into a tizz and neither you nor YOUR WIFE were around. Mum was but he chose to come to me, we talked and I calmed him down. He stopped crying and we had a long cuddle. How will you know what we'll be like with them if you never trust us to be with them?

You’ve missed my points on numerous occasions but, as you said, I’ll end this here before I say something I regret.

I didn't ask for an apology. I just wanted an acknowledgement that it’s not as simple as thinking I’m the bad guy, maybe there’s a reason I come across that way. But I meant what I said, I love you desperately and I really do wish you were in my life more and not less. I find it incredibly sad that this is how things have turned out.

We’re still free all weekend, it would be great to sort a video call with the kids please if you’re around.

HIM

I’m not being controlling in the slightest, I’m just giving you my opinion. You have a really strange outlook on what’s said and take a lot of it completely the wrong way.

You haven’t even answered my questions above. Sending them sweets when we haven’t sorted it out between us in the slightest looks as if you’re trying to buy them.

There are unresolved issues here that need sorting before we even think of meeting up. Once again it’s like nothing has happened.

ME

We were always going to buy them Halloween sweets. Once London moved to tier two we knew we wouldn't be able to see them so I posted them instead. I did the same for my goddaughter, there is no intention whatsoever to ‘buy’ them and I think it’s funny to suggest that. Nothing could be further from our minds. I’m acting like nothing has happened because I just want to move on and put it behind us but I don’t think you can, I think our text conversation has shown that these issues can’t be resolved. I’m sorry but I just don’t think they can be. We’re too far apart and I think we’re better off moving past them as we’re never going to agree. Ever. All we’ll do is go round in circles and keep arguing, that isn’t good for either of us and solves nothing. If you want to stop us seeing the kids because of that then I think that’s a shame but it’s up to you.

HIM

I’m not angry with you MY NAME, I’ve not got the time or the energy for that. I just don’t agree with a lot you’ve said and found you calling me a ‘bully’ very over the top and quite nasty. I’m not going to stop you seeing the kids, like I said before, we’re not evil. We’re just waiting for an apology for how ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday was handled and to see some form of change as described with the kids. Acting like nothing has happened is not the answer. I have too much going on at the moment to continue with this, I have said my peace. I’m not just arranging meeting up if nothing is resolved. The grandparents have the kids Christmas lists, I will send them on once they finished getting their bits. And before you say anything the grandparents will always get first choice no matter what is going on or what has happened.

So much to unpick in that. But I'm guessing you're all decent 'normal' human beings so you don't need me to point it out. He's still being controlling, we're still treated as second best. I don't mind the grandparents getting the lists first, of course I don't, but as I had said in previous messages to him they always buy everything (and I mean everything.......) on the lists every single year. No one thinks 'we need to save something' for me and hubby to get them. And the reaction to me having sent them some sweets. Oh for heaven's sake!! If I'd wanted to 'buy' them I would have sent them mobile phones, large amounts of money, expensive gadgets/clothes or games consoles. I would not have sent them a pile of sweets from Britain's most middle class supermarket. Needless to say I had no idea how my little parcel went down with the kids and I did not get a thank you.

Which got me to thinking, I'm being punished for not living the life he wants me to. I have no doubt whatsoever that, regardless of the relationship between the two of us, if hubby and I had had children we would get phone calls saying 'we're doing this with the kids do you want to come along?' as he'd want all the cousins to play together. My future didn't turn out how HE wanted to and HE doesn't like it. Now I've finally taken control of the situation after five years (might even be longer, I've lost count) and he can't cope with it and is lashing out. He cannot see that he's been controlling what happens - i.e. we do it his way, we've always done it his way, and I've finally stood up and said - no. And he can't deal with it.

Further proof of this unfolded the following week (we're still in November last year at this point). My dad told me that they were having Covid issues (I had no idea what kind of issues, turned out the kids were having to isolate at home due to a positive test of a classmate) and so I sent him the following:

Dad has just texted me and told me that you're having Covid issues. I realise you're still angry with me and we're not really speaking but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you all and sending lots of love xx

I got no response whatsoever and so five days later we had following text conversation:

ME

Then how do you propose we resolve this? We're not going to apologise over ELDEST NEPHEW's birthday, you broke the rules - plain and simple. You can't even argue that you were just bending them and whether you feel justified in your actions or not you did break the rules. We were not comfortable with that and despite you saying to me in a previous message that 'We put our suggestions forward and say what we we're planning and if that's not suitable then we look for another plan' that was clearly not the case this time. Over half term I twice asked if we could video call them but you've said no so at the moment you are stopping us seeing them. How do we move forward?

HIM

We don't, I'm not interested anymore. I've got far more important things to think about at the moment. I'm not going to keep repeating myself. I'm not interested until there's an apology.

ME

What exactly do you want an apology for? 

HIM

What part of 'I'm not repeating myself' do you not get?! Look back through our messages and figure it out for yourself.

ME

Is it the misunderstanding over the texts HUBBY sent?

HIM

Have a look through our messages and figure it out and then get back to me.

So. We're being blackmailed. We can't have anything to do with the kids until we make an apology which we believe is utterly unwarranted. Not only that, check the tone of those messages!!! Firstly, 'more important things' which is the usual way of saying that he is far too busy and important and his life is far more stressful than mine because he has children. Secondly, how on earth can he have a problem with me calling him a bully when he sends me messages like that? And yes, I do realise that that is a rhetorical question 🙄 He still, as usual, is refusing to admit he's done anything wrong.

Hubby decided to text him and apologise if his texts about eldest nephew's birthday had been taken the wrong way, i.e. not apologising for what was said but apologising if things had been taken the wrong way. He got no reply. Things went quiet for a while but of course the spectre of Christmas was on the horizon, so at the end of November/beginning of December this is the conversation I had with my sister-in-law:

HER

With the new rules coming out for Xmas please can you consider how the gifts will be given to the children, as our bubble is going to be my parents and yours, this does mean that they won’t see you over the festive period. Your mum is coming to us Xmas morning so that could be a way of getting them to them as a thought.

ME

We anticipated as much, we would of course love to see them but we do completely understand. We'd thought about taking their presents to my mum to bring over but haven't actually discussed that with her yet. Unless we could maybe drop them on the doorstep at a time to suit you and wave through the window....? Which would you prefer? If we do take them to mum would we be able to arrange a video call on Christmas Day please? We're around this weekend for a video call too if you're free??

HER

If I’m honest I think you need to sort things with your brother before you even come here at all but that’s just my personal opinion. Giving the gifts to your mum is the better option right now, if you want to call them that badly then just call them you don’t have to ask!!!!

ME

I would love to sort things out with my brother but I’m genuinely at a loss as to how. Our last text conversation was very nasty and unhelpful, HUBBY has apologised for his texts over ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday but not had a response. I don’t know what else to do.

I only asked about calling them as the last three times I’ve asked MY BROTHER about arranging a call he’s said no. We’d love to call them this weekend thank you, does Saturday afternoon work for you?

HER

But he’s not looking for an apology from HUBBY, it’s you he wants one from, and if you don’t know why then the two of you are going to continue going round in circles!!!!

If not for yourselves then sort it for your mum if nothing else, the longer this goes on the less chance you’ve got of ever coming back from any of this! 

If your wanting to talk to the children that much then just call them like there grandparents do, they don’t ask they just call and if we miss it they call back it’s pretty simple, stop looking for excuses as to why you can’t or haven’t called such as you’ve asked but no reply, if your wanting to speak to them as much as you say you do then just call!!

ME

But I don't know what to apologise for! Genuinely, I don't. I've asked him but he won't tell me - he says I should know. But I don't and that's why we're going round in circles. He needs to tell me what he wants me to apologise for because I really don't know what I've done

HER

Seriously MY NAME!!!! Not only have you called him a bully etc, the way you were for ELDEST NEPHEW’s birthday as his one and ONLY auntie is not ok!! We all broke the rules for YOUNGEST NEWPHEW and NIECEs birthday by coming over to celebrate but yet you wouldn’t for his!!! You both stood on a football pitch with around 30/40 people, strangers I must add, all close together but you wouldn’t spend time in our garden with just family!!! Yes we broke the rules but in our eyes the kids birthdays are worth breaking the rules for, you spent 20 mins, 20 mins with him his birthday!!!!! Both your dad and my mum are classed as high risk but both were willing to risk there health to ensure they saw the kids on their birthdays!

You say all these things about the kids but you do nothing about it, you’ve not seen or spoken to the kids since September, as the only aunt they have do you really think that’s ok? We had this out with you before in the old house about everything and yet here we are again and if anything, the situation is worse! 

You need to have a good think about how you’ve been or acted around ELDEST NEWPHEW’s birthday and how you’ve acted since and maybe you may realise what you need to say sorry for!

ME

I'm sorry but I'm not apologising for that. The rules on organised outside sport were different to the rules about being in someone's house - garden or otherwise. Likewise the rules when YOUNGEST NEWPHEW and NIECE had their birthdays were different to the rules by the time we got to September. If we had come it would have been 11 people when the rule was 6, that's not just bending the rules that's breaking them quite impressively which we were not comfortable with. When it was just an hour we decided to swallow it for the sake of ELDEST NEPHEW but once it became clear we’d need to be there for longer we didn’t want to risk it. Whilst we understand your reasons for breaking the rules we did not agree with it which is why we stayed away.

Additionally, I resent your comment about being 'the only auntie' when I'm not treated as such. We're bottom of the pile and that is clear from how you both behave towards us. And it's not making excuses, it's being aware of my mental health due to the way you both treat me as I explained to MY BROTHER and you have no doubt seen. This is the first time I've felt strong enough to stand up to you both and the reaction has just proved all of the points I made. Over the past five years I've gone cap in hand with apologies to keep the peace when I know an apology was not warranted – I am not doing that anymore. I have done nothing that requires an apology. My suggestion to just be grown-ups and move past this, realising we'll never agree so we just need to move on, has been rejected so it's up to MY BROTHER what happens next. Hopefully he can be a grown up and move past it too but if he can't that says more about him than me and again just goes to prove my previous points.

Two weekends in a row now I have come incredibly close to walking out of the house, leaving my phone behind and not coming back. HUBBY is threatening to take me back to the doctor but I do not want to go. Yes there are other things going on but this is one of the main reasons that I am feeling unwell again, the complete inability from either of you to admit even a little bit of responsibility for this situation or even attempt to see things from my point of view. The strength I felt at the beginning of all this to stand up to you both has been completely eroded. This is being dragged out for far longer than it needs to be and could have been resolved weeks ago but neither of you can see what you have done to me and continue to do to me which is why we are where we are now. If I do what I have done in the past and just apologise for the sake of apologising then we’ll be fine for a while but at some point in the future something will happen that I don’t agree with and I will again be made out to be the bad guy just because I won’t do what MY BROTHER tells me to do. I’m not doing it anymore.

HER

The relationship I have with you is nothing to do with your mental health! You can’t say I have an impact on that, yes I don’t talk to you and the reasons why is because I don’t want to upset anyone, small talk for the sake of it makes me feel very uncomfortable and we clearly don’t get on! You have a lot going on that you need to process which I understand, but to say that I or we have an impact on that I think is an excuse, yes there are issues but not enough to impact on your daily life. If things are as bad as you say they are and I’m not doubting that, maybe you should listen to your husband who is clearly concerned for you and your well being. I don’t wish anything on you and hope you find the solutions you need in order for you to be able to process what’s going on and move forward.

Grandparents will always come before anyone else and I’m not going to say sorry for that. 

I’m officially done with all of this, I can’t ever forgive you for the way you have behaved over this. Sort what you can with your brother for the sake of your parents.

ME

Unless you are in my head or a qualified psychiatrist you are in no position to tell me what does and does not affect my mental health. 

I've seen you make small talk with my mum, my dad, HUBBY and people we've met in the street whilst out. You don't even say 'hello' to me when I walk into your house, nor do you make eye contact with me. There's 'small talk' but to not say 'hello, how are you?' when you see someone is bordering on rude. I do not feel welcome in your house, I haven't for a long time, and you and MY BROTHER can tell me all you want that that's rubbish but when your actions tell a completely different story then it will remain difficult for me to come over if I'm not mentally strong enough to do so.

I want to sort this out, I really really do, but I am not going to give an apology that I believe is unwarranted. I've asked MY BROTHER to meet me halfway and take some (not all, some) responsibility for the situation we're in, he refused. I then asked if we could just move past it as we were quite obviously never going to agree, he again refused. I almost phoned him earlier this week just to talk as I want to sort this out so much, but I'm so scared of him I bottled it. 

Sorting it out for the sake of our parents is down to both of us not just me

And that was that. It went quiet for a long time. I met up with mum a few weeks later for coffee (outside, in a park, as per the rules) and I was still visibly upset and shaken by it all even then. Initially she made it clear that, whilst she knew something was going on between us, she absolutely did not want to get involved. We were grown ups and we needed to sort it out ourselves. Which I did respect. However, as our couple of hours together grew to end she was very clear that my brother wasn't going to change and that I had to develop some emotional resilience to be able to deal with him. She went on to say that he was just an angry young man (he was bordering on his 40th birthday at this point) as he felt permanently constrained - by his wife, by his kids. All he really wanted to do was stay in bed all day, play computer games and kick a football around with his mates at the weekend. Excuse me?!? Don't we all want to do some version of that? But that's not how life works, you grow up and you deal with the consequences of that. She acknowledged his behaviour but said that he was always going to be like that, it was up to me to come up with strategies to deal with it, like they all have, as it's up to us to manage our reactions around him.

Oh holy hell. Surely it's up to him to change his behaviour if everyone is treading on eggshells around him?! In refusing to approach him on this my opinion is that's she's condoning his behaviour, we all have to have coping strategies because he isn't going to change. He's getting away with being an arse. Why am I the one that has to work out how to climb over the walls he puts up, just because everyone else can break through them and I can't doesn't mean he should be putting the walls up in the first place.

Later that month we both got pleading texts from my Dad to sort this out as my mother wasn't sleeping knowing we were at odds with each other. I knew full well my brother would never call me and so I called him in mid-December. He accused me of only calling because of Dad's text, I assured him that wasn't the case (as you can tell from the texts to his wife above I have always ALWAYS wanted to sort this out and move on - but my brother is insistent that the only way that happens is with an apology which I am not going to give) and that I did want to sort things out between us. He again insisted that he doesn't treat us any differently to anyone else and that it was all in my head, I was being over sensitive and just took everything he said the wrong way. His wife doesn't like me and so is never going to be friendly with me but that's just how she is, when they were first dating he told me they'd have blazing rows when they got back from going out with his friends as she never spoke to any of them all night. That gave me a crumb of comfort, clearly she is just like that but at the same time she's been with my brother for over fifteen years now and she STILL doesn't even say hello to me when I walk into her house. I'm not someone she's met for the first time anymore so that excuse doesn't wash after so much time has passed. I cried a lot on that phone call as he just talked at me, I still refused to apologise though. I told him I loved him and that I wanted to sort this and that I wanted him in my life. He repeatedly told me this was all my issue as he was doing nothing wrong, treating me no differently to how he treats anyone else, I'm imagining it and being over dramatic. He said that we've never been close - he wasn't interested in my life, I wasn't interested in his life so why pretend? We don't get on and we never will. He has a different relationship with mum as they do get on so I shouldn't compare the relationship I have with him to that, we're never going to send each other daily texts or have any sort of small talk. That's just not the relationship we have. So that was that.

There were then various short texts exchanged in the run up to Christmas: I asked when the kids finished, were they still able to do Christmas things at school, had they had any official school photos taken this term. I got curt but polite responses. Likewise over Christmas and New Year: hoping the kids hadn't got them up too early Christmas morning, how late did the kids stay up on NYE etc etc. It wasn't chatty or friendly by any stretch but it was certainly civil, which was something.  

However, the only successful facetimes we'd had had been on Boxing Day morning and New Year's Eve evening. We continued to try and facetime my sister-in-law into January but had never got anywhere with it. After three weeks I was getting frustrated so texted my brother:

ME
Are you at home today or at work?

HIM

Home

ME
Is there a good time please to FT the kids this afternoon?

HIM

Why don't you just phone like we said to do instead of asking for a time slot. If we don't answer then we'll just call back when it's appropriate

ME

Because we've phoned this morning, yesterday morning and at least once over the past two weekends with no call back. 

HIM
We haven't got any missed calls and the last phone call either of us had from either of you was NYE. So don't know who you're calling

ME
HUBBY is facetiming YOUR WIFE from his iPad, the same way we called your phone on NYE

HIM
Nothing on my phone since NYE and nothing on MY WIFE's phone since Christmas Eve

ME
Well I promise you the calls have been made. We'll call YOUR WIFE from the iPad in five minutes and see if that comes through to her. We can't seem to get a full call history but this is from this morning (I sent a screenshot of our iPad facetime screen)

HIM
Nothing on our phones from either of you and no phone calls. Call me and they can use my iPad as MY WIFE hasn't got battery

Facetime call takes place but ends suddenly

ME
Not sure what happened there but looks like they're having dinner now anyway. No idea why our previous calls weren't showing up but I promise you we made them


From that point onwards we facetimed my brother's phone/iPad and not my sister-in-law's. She can be quite Machiavellian at times (although she's not very bright, as I think you can tell from her texts earlier in this post, so I frequently catch her out) and it would not surprise me in the slightest that she'd just been ignoring our calls and then deleting them from her call history. But of course we'll never find out. 

A few weeks later it was my brother's fortieth birthday and I'd been trying to arrange a present for him for months (much to hubby's annoyance, he didn't think I should) but because it was an 'experience' rather than a gift I just had to write in the card that there was a plan in place and once things opened up a bit more I'd sort it out for him. I phoned him on his birthday too and that chat was pleasant enough, I asked how he day had gone and I asked after work and the kids. He asked how I was but it still wasn't a comfortable conversation. Nevertheless I was proud of myself for phoning him and getting through it. Over the next few months we continued to facetime the kids every weekend. There were weekends of course that we called, they didn't answer, and they didn't call back but we spoke to them at least twice a month which was really lovely.

The weather got warmer, the restrictions started to ease, a bank holiday was coming up, we were chatting frequently with the kids but hadn't seen them in person since September the previous year. I thought I'd risk it since our feud was nothing to do with the kids and we desperately wanted to see them. This is what happened at the end of April this year:

ME

Hope you're all well. Do you have any plans for this weekend yet? We'd love to see the kids. There's a great park and café near us, we'll by lunch/ice creams

HIM

Seeing as I've not heard from you in 3 months and have had no attempt from you to reconcile with me or MY WIFE for what you accused us of I'm not exactly enthused by the idea to put it mildly Ill be honest

ME

Fair enough, was just an idea

And that was that. I have not texted my brother since. Hubby has texted him, I've texted my sister-in-law. But my brother and I have not communicated since that text conversation in April. Which I do find incredibly sad, but I refuse to back down. I can at least laugh now though, enough time has passed that I can see the irony in a lot of what has happened over the past ten months. I do hope I'm not being naïve here, but I would have thought that if someone plucks up the courage to talk to you about how your behaviour is making them feel you'd think - "wow, I don't think I I've done anything wrong or behaved in any particular way but this person is clearly hurting, let's sit down and talk about it."  However, my brother's response has been - "how dare you, you're being over sensitive, this is all in your own head, apologise to me" and, please please do correct me here if I'm wrong dear reader, surely that just confirms my accusations of bullying and gaslighting?! As I said, oh the irony. He also doesn't realise that you are bound to treat people that you don't like differently to people that you do like, it's human nature. Would you get in touch with someone you don't enjoy spending time with to invite them over for an afternoon if you're at a loose end? Of course you wouldn't, the trouble is he doesn't seem to realise this.

Things came to a little bit of a head in June, since both littlest nephew and niece have birthdays in July. I'd been texting sister-in-law about presents so that was sorted (with a little drama, of course 🙄) but there would inevitably be gatherings for their birthdays. My brother texted hubby to invite us but made it quite clear we were being invited for the sake of the children, no other reason, and that he would not be speaking to me. This is what followed between them:

HUBBY

Thanks for the invites, in the diary. What has MY NAME done that means you won't be speaking to her?

BROTHER

I'm sure MY NAME will tell you

HUBBY

I know about the stuff last year when she was upset and the confusion around ELDEST NEPHEW's birthday but I thought that was my fault

BROTHER

She knows, ask her, I'm not going into it again

HUBBY

Fair enough. Please try and get to a place where you can sit down and speak to her. She's hurting badly BROTHER'S NAME and doesn't think you understand what she's going through. I'm not lecturing you but this will never get resolved until you both have some time with each other.

BROTHER

I can understand to a point with what you're both going through but she's gone too far this time and acts like nothings happened like she always does. Im not tip toeing around her anymore. It's not about having time for each other, it's about what has been done and said. I'm not doing anything until MY WIFE and I get nothing less than a genuine apology from her.

HUBBY

Yeah I know you've said that before. She doesn't know what needs an apology though so we just go round and round until a proper conversation starts

BROTHER

I've told her before. Like I said, I'm not going through it again. She knows full well what she said.

Hubby was very sweet to try and get something out of my brother, but I had no idea this conversation was happening and would have stopped it if I'd known. I know what he wants me to apologise for, he wants me to apologise for calling him a bully and a gaslighter, I'm well aware of that. But I'm not doing it. I know hubby's heart was in the right place but I don't think he helped things, not that I could do much about it as I only knew the text conversation had taken place after it had taken place! But there we go. Sadly we had to miss littlest nephew's party as we got pinged and had to isolate that week, but we did make it to our niece's party.

It was during the mini-heatwave towards the end of July. We were to be there from 2pm to 4pm and there were a few of niece's friends there with a parent plus a paddling pool and bouncy castle in the garden of my brother's house. I was so nervous, such trepidation over the entire weekend (it took place on a Sunday), hubby and I were very snappy with each other on the Saturday as we were both so on edge. But I needn't have worried, we had SUCH an amazing time!!! True to his word, my brother ignored me the entire time. My sister-in-law only spoke to me once - when she offered me an ice pop, and only then I think because I was sat with hubby as well as my parents and her parents so it would have been obvious if she'd offered one to everyone else but not me. And that was that. The parents had been invited to stay for an extra hour for present opening but we left promptly at 4pm, much to my mother's exasperation, since that invite had not been extended to us. The nephews thought it hilarious to soak me with their water pistols (I had a feeling that might happen so had purposely worn appropriate clothing), I kept picking them up and threatening to throw them in the paddling pool as they squealed in delight. It was amazing to just pick them up and squeeze them when we got there (despite my mother telling me I shouldn't "they're too big now, and anyway they're not a tactile family and they don't do hugs" - oh do sod off, if they tell me to stop I'll stop but otherwise I'm hugging them!!), I hadn't realised just how much I had missed them. I really did have such a wonderful two hours.

And that's where we are now. We will continue to facetime them as much as we can, it's eldest nephew's birthday in a couple of months (therefore marking the anniversary of a year since this all started) so we'll hopefully see them all again then, and who knows what will happen at Christmas, but for now it's facetime all the way. I'm not going to bother trying to text and arrange a playdate or ice creams or lunch or something since clearly my brother doesn't want me to see them unless I have to - despite always claiming he'd never stop me seeing his kids. I can't wait until they're older. Which, to be honest, is a terrible thing to say as you should never wish time away but there we go. A long for a time when they have a mobile phone and I can contact them directly instead of going through their parents, when they can get on public transport and travel more freely therefore not being reliant on their parents to be able to go somewhere. Those are the days I look forward to, when I will be free of these shackles and can just see the kids as much as they will let me see them. I have no idea when that day will come, but the fact it's out there is pretty much all that keeps me going throughout this entire sorry mess.