This is a collection of my musings, vignettes if you will, that I have added to in the past couple of months as there didn't seem to be enough in each one for it to have a post all of its own. I started writing this in March when all this madness kicked off and have added to it since so do bear that in mind as you're reading. The timeline is rather fluid (this runs mostly from March through to May/June) so apologies if some of it doesn't make sense now! Enjoy :)
In case you hadn't guessed, we didn't go to New York at the end of March. We're at home like, I hope, all of you! We took a refund rather than reschedule, for two reasons really. For one I genuinely have no idea if we will be able to reschedule, our jobs are such that it's not always easy for us to take time off at the same time. Secondly, we wanted to be flexible and I have no idea if we'd book through the same provider (we'd definitely try to, for obvious reasons) for the same price or the same hotel etc etc etc etc....... So, for now we'll take the refund and see how the land lies in six months' time.
Working from home isn't actually working out too badly, although hubby has been asked to make sure his kit is ready to go so he can be deployed anywhere across London at a moment's notice. Which will be fun. But until that call comes we're both at home, sharing the dining room table!
I had quite the wobble a couple of weeks ago. My anxiety has gone through the roof, I'm taking a break from Facebook (full of people moaning about the fact they have children) and have taken to walking every day in an attempt to clear my head but nothing's really working. Through everything that's happened over the past couple of years; from all hubby and I have gone through with splitting reconciling and IVF to family issues with my brother, sister-in-law and then my dad's cancer diagnosis on top of his dementia - work has been my anchor. It's been my rock, my security. I always knew where I was with work and then that all got swept away too. The ground beneath my feet just disappeared.
I have had a bit of a breakthrough however, I didn’t get out of bed until 9am despite waking up around 7am and hubby asked me whether it was because I didn’t want to get out of bed or because I didn’t want to face the world. I considered lying, then decided not to and said it was because I didn’t want to face the world. He then said we needed to get me a doctor’s appointment. I said not to, I’m doing things and I’ll be fine.
Then I had a bit more of a think. It’s not that I don’t want to face the world, it’s that I don’t want to go to work as I’m worried that they’ll find me out. That they’ll realise I’m a fraud and I can’t do the job. They’ll realise that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. It’s the exact same feeling I had for the last year or so at my previous job that made me ill – it’s work I don’t want to face, not the world. And despite knowing (really knowing!) that this is different, I can’t shake it. For the past few years work has been my stability – through everything that’s happened I have never not wanted to get up and go to work because I knew I was good at it and because it had rhythm, it was logical, it was routine, I was in control of it. At the moment, I’m not. It’s new. No one knows what’s going on. My security blanket has been taken away and I don’t like it. There no longer anything to anchor me, to keep me steady no matter what else is going on. I can’t cope with that on top of everything else going on out there at the moment.
BUT. I have not been furloughed (other staff have, a letter went out over the weekend), the boss is still coming to me for advice and I’m having regular catch ups with my line manager. So I just need to put in place everything I can and ride it out. I genuinely think that when (if?!) works settles down I’ll feel much much better. I feel better just for having figured that out :)
Plus, of course, there's more tension with my brother and his family. As I'm sure you can imagine! I've sent the kids voice messages and written letters and have I got anything back?! Have I bollocks. Apparently it's because they get so many letters they lose track and can't reply to them all, but I've heard my mum go on and on about the lovely letters she's got and the drawings they've done for her. And I'll put a large amount of money on the fact that my sister-in-law's parents have had responses to whatever they've sent over too.
It's the hypocrisy of it that stinks, either I'm family and I'm important or I'm not. According to him, my reaction to everything my brother says is because I'm being over sensitive, rather than him being an arse. And he's never going to change his perspective. Because, as has been proved countless times in the past, he can't see things from my point of view. Never will. Doesn't even try. And that won't change.
