My family continue to annoy the living crap out of me. Every so often hubby jokes about saying 'let's just move to Canada', one of these days it won't be a joke.
A couple of months ago mum and I got back from church and again she started to ask questions about our TTC journey - had we done this and had we done that and she couldn't understand why we weren't just throwing everything at it. She said that the family still weren't comfortable that we were back together, there were things she wanted to say to hubby but the only time they'd seen him was my birthday and it hadn't seemed appropriate. My brother apparently also had a speech for him. Great.
She continued by saying that they needed to know what was going on otherwise they were going to make assumptions about things. I'm sorry, you *need* to know? No you don't. It is a private matter and the only people that need to know are the two of us. You want to know, and that is a completely different thing. You do not, I repeat, do not *need* to know!!! Do you have conversations with my brother about his sex life?! Because that is essentially what it amounts to. And of course when I said this, as calmly as I could, she immediately looked hurt and I felt like a bitch. I know her heart is in the right place but for goodness sake, back off woman. I'm not going into intricate detail about all manner of gizmos and things we're doing/trying to TTC. Go away.
And then there's my brother. Mum bottled out of her little 'speech' she wanted to give us both but my brother was never going to do that. Altho how exactly he was going to do it I had no idea since everything revolves around the children (obviously......) so we never get together without the kids. I don't think I've seen my brother socially without the children since they were born. Anyway, since my dad's dementia diagnosis my brother has run all sorts of marathons and done all manner of fund raising events and one of these was a quiz night coming up that he was due to host. An evening event, so no children. Hubby and I got a team together to enter but bro decided that he didn't want the first time he saw hubby to be at an event he was hosting. He wanted to see us to 'clear the air'. So the three of us met up during the week running up to the quiz so he could grill us. It was as much fun as you can imagine. What's changed? Why's it changed? What is different now? He wanted actual tangible evidence and examples. To his credit, hubby took it all. Why as a 40 year old woman I need to justify myself in this way I have no idea. And of course, hubby is still not allowed anywhere near the kids.
On a side note, against my wishes our quiz team name was decided as 'I really love my sister' and of course we won so the team name had to be read out numerous times, much to my brothers' chagrin. It's the small things 😊
It continues..........
In September we booked a two week break to our favourite hotel in Mexico that we've been to a few times before, but we ended up booking it much later than we wanted to. This turned out to be after the Thomas Cook crash so was more money than we wanted to pay but what the hell. We also booked it late as we thought I was pregnant, my period was late for the first time all year, but of course it was just my body fucking with me. I didn't want to go long haul if I was so we waited to book until we knew for certain, I did a test and of course I wasn't. Period arrived the next day, obviously. It took a massive emotional toll on me and two days later I had to face the whole family and more for dad's 70th birthday and I just fell apart, I couldn't hold it together. My brother strong armed me into a room with the words 'mum might be able to keep her mouth shut but I won't, in here now' and made me tell him what had happened. His reply?! 'I know how you feel, we took loads of pregnancy tests when we were trying'. Excuse me?!? You have three children!!!!!!!!!!! How can you POSSIBLY understand how I feel?!? FFS.
They're all still beyond sceptical about me and hubby being back together. My dad's now finished his chemo and they're probably going to do a stem cell transplant, they've had all the pre-appointments and he's in the middle of all the pre-tests so if all goes well they'll do it in January. The transplant is a really stressful operation that involves a long stay in hospital and is not something they usually do on a 70yr old due to additional risks, plus his dementia is getting worse. All of which of course is taking its toll on mum, which she seems to take out on me.
I spent an hour with her on a Sunday afternoon a couple of weeks ago, one hour, and we went to my local high street for coffee. I stupidly brought up the fertility fair we'd been to and the potential breakthroughs from it (more about that in a minute, let's get the all family shit over with first). I then had her going on and on and on about all the different options available but how low the odds were now, all of which she'd learnt from talking to her friends. And then came the stories of her friends' kids (they spent a fortune on IVF and got one kid but now none of her eggs are any good - she's only 32, they harvested thousands of eggs but only got one viable one - poor girl is only 29, they're on their second round of IVF but her job is so stressful it probably won't happen), she suggested I change my job, she went on and on about how, for her generation, none of this existed so people she knew were just told to go and get a hobby. So, bearing in mind everything that is available now, I owe it to her generation to try absolutely everything. It would be an insult if I didn't.
I was exhausted. The walk back to mine was excruciating. As we were saying goodbye at her car she thanked me for telling her things she didn't know were going on, she needed (again, *needed* !!) to know because if she didn't know she couldn't help. I couldn't bite my tongue any longer, told her how intrusive and invasive I found our family. That I had no other friends whose parents behaved like that, somethings just ARE private and she doesn't need to know it. I said I'd clearly been born into the wrong family. Her face fell. She thanked me for being honest. I felt like shit. Wish I hadn't said it but I just couldn't keep quiet. She sent me this text when I got home - 'It's not our family. It's me. My friends and I bare our souls and tell each other everything. I assume I can do same with you and your brother. Perhaps it's generational. I'll try and stop if I can. Sorry'. I told her she had nothing to apologise for, she was more than welcome to keep doing what she was doing she just needed to stop expecting me to reciprocate. She didn't reply to that.
There's a meme doing the rounds along with all the other pre-Christmas guff that is something along the lines of don't buy presents to buy love, don't visit your family if it damages your mental health, if anyone calls you fat eat them. Amusing but a serious message, I really do wish it was that easy. And talking of Christmas, that's all still massively up in the air due to the fact that (as usual) we're dictated by what my brother wants to do. If he decides to have a big family day at his house not only will it be rubbish for all the usual reasons but hubby won't be allowed to go. If my brother doesn't do anything then I'll volunteer locally, and hubby probably will with me, as I have done for the past two years but dad's too ill to do that now and mum won't do it without him so they'll be left by themselves - 'just the two of us, staring at the TV, how depressing'. Thanks mum. Guilt trip much?!
Anyway! I alluded earlier to some progress that we've made. A week after we got back from our holiday we attended a fertility fair in Central London. It was wonderful. We were both absolutely bowled over by the compassionate, informative and amazing people there. We overcame our initial nervousness and devoured all the information we could. The hope and positivity were catching. The only slight negative point came at the end of the evening when we went to a seminar entitled 'Fertility in Older Women'. The doctor giving the lecture, to his credit, said he didn't like the use of the term 'older women' but it was the title he was given so he was going with it! The stats spoke for themselves tho, I knew most of it already and had said most of it to hubby in the past but I think he always brushed me off and thought I was just being negative. To be hit with it all in such a professional manner and in such black and white terms really shook him. He had no idea our odds were so low now I was 40 and he left on quite the downer. We talked about it afterwards though and it's made us more determined than ever to try and make this work. Well, that and the fact he got absurdly broody on holiday as there seemed to be a higher than usual number of fathers with small children in the resort we were in.
So. Next week we have an appointment with a clinic in London that, so far at least, we really really like. It was a clinic we met at the fertility fair and we got on really well with them. We also have an appointment with another clinic early next year and a few other irons in the fire. As horrendous as Christmas will be we've booked to go away for New Year and are very excited about it - and for the first time in a long time I am actually starting to look forward to the future.
