Well. We started using blue pill in February, and have therefore had two full cycles with plenty of sex. However, we're still having issues. Apologies for the detail here (but I've never been one to shirk the detail!), but we had sex four times the first cycle and five times the second. However, and this is the clincher, hubby only ejaculated once. Once. ONCE. Granted, I do think that worked but I somehow lost it (read the details here) but that's not the point. He cannot get to where he needs to. The sex is very enjoyable but something just doesn't work for him; he says he enjoys it, finds me sexually attractive and desperately wants it to work. It works when he's by himself (!) but for whatever reason when he is with me he might get close but doesn't actually get there.
Beyond frustrating for both of us. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be getting laid so often! Genuinely. The only trouble is now it's not just about getting laid, things need to happen otherwise I'm just not going to get pregnant. So the decision has been made, we've phoned our local fertility clinic and made an appointment. I love the NHS but they won't do anything for us now bearing in mind my age and even if they could I'm not sure we could wait for a referral, again due to my age. So our first appointment is booked (at quite the cost, even for just an 'Initial Consultation' as they call it) for a couple of weeks' time and we'll see where we go from there.
Now, I don't want to sound horrendously naive about this but I'm really hoping all we'll need is IUI. I mean, we've both already had countless tests done and we were both fine. Admittedly all my invasive tests were last done in 2013 but I had a load of blood tests done again in 2017 when I was considering my options. However I've read on their website that IUI only has a 10-15% success rate per cycle. Really?! Is that it? I genuinely thought it would be higher. That seems terribly low........
I've also now printed out the myriad of forms we need to fill in before we even get to the appointment. Consent to use of email, patient history form, patient registration form, terms and conditions acceptance form, HFEA consent to disclose information, HFEA welfare of the child form and on and on and on. Now, I know for most of you none of this is going to be new but holy hell - so many forms. SO much detail. And then it consumes me. This just isn't fair. People fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, so many might not get pregnant that easily but do fall eventually. I genuinely do realise that it's a totally self-absorbed point of view but I can't help it. I know a lot of you have gone through far more or at the very least started this process ages ago and are no doubt rolling your eyes to my reaction as you've been there, done that and got the proverbial t-shirt. But I just can't help thinking that we've been through so much already to get to this point, we so desperately want children, we'd make great parents. The pain is just unbearable.
To top it all off we've just had Mother's Day (or Mothering Sunday as I prefer to call it, you don't have to be a 'mother' to be 'mothering' - if you get my drift) in the UK and, as usual, I'm surrounded by reminders of the fact I don't have children. My own mother knows nothing of this, I'm not sure I want to tell her to be honest due to the relationship I have with her. I love her dearly but I couldn't stand her fussing and asking questions, not least because she doesn't know hubby and I back together! She knows that I am currently the happiest I have been in a very very very long time (despite this post, that is true, there's just one thing missing......) but always questions me to ask why. I can't tell her, I will one day. I think it all depends on how this appointment goes to be honest. Without meaning to sound like a complete coward (or, again, naive) if it looks like things could happen quite quickly then I'll hold off - I'd rather tell my family as and when I have 'additional' news. But if this is going to drag out for months (which I think is likely, sadly) I'm just going to have to come out with it at some point. And sooner rather than later to get it over with I think. Urgh.
