We had also had conversations about meeting up to discuss all of this over the weekend of 7th/8th July, I was free all weekend so offered to be as flexible as they needed me to be to be able to meet up and talk. My brother said he was working late shifts so it would be up to my sister-in-law as she had the kids, so I pluck up the courage to text my sister-in-law the same question and the reply? Ask your brother as he's working. Great. So I texted my brother back and he said we'd talk about it at littlest nephew's birthday party. That obviously didn't happen due to the ensuing chaos of twenty 3 and 4 year olds in a soft play centre so we said we'd talk about it the next day at my birthday lunch. I then went out that evening and had a wonderful wonderful time with friends, so that was something.
The following day was my birthday, and we met up for lunch. It was horrendous. Again, sister-in-law just ignored me completely. My brother didn't really speak to me either. I was sat by myself at the end of the table, in the corner away from everyone else. The boys were great, came over with a present bag and helped me unwrap everything! There was no birthday card from my brother. There was a card from the kids but it was a generic one not an 'Auntie' one. I wasn't really included in conversations. By the end of the meal I was on the verge of tears and eventually plucked up the courage to ask my brother if I was seeing them next weekend to which I got the reply - I'll text you later. And that was it, I lost it. My sunglasses went on and I cried. We were supposed to be going to the park afterwards with the kids to play but my sister-in-law decided it was too hot for the kids so they were just going to go home. I left distraught.
Eventually, it was agreed that I will get to theirs for 9am on Saturday 7th July, so I did. My niece was asleep and the two boys were sat in front of a Disney film - and we talked. My brother played an absolute blinder. He really did. Calm and impartial. He started by explaining, in very calm and measured tones, their views on that Saturday which had started everything off. I let him talk. I did not interrupt. I was already crying at this point so, as calmly as I could, I explained that that Saturday had not been 'just' a beer festival. There had been other factors at play that weekend which I was not about to disclose to them now. I said that I knew that it would make it very difficult for them to believe me but that was that. I would tell them at some point but I couldn't tell them now. I also said that I found it very difficult to be around people that don't like me, that it takes a lot of mental strength for me to do that and sometimes I need to protect myself from that and look after myself.
Sister-in-law then said that she didn't dislike me but her back was up because of, in her mind, how I was treating her children. She then continued with the story of me seeing other people's kids and not playing with her kids. I said that it was because, up until all of this had kicked off, I was genuinely convinced that they didn't actually want me around. That they didn't want me to see the children and that I didn't feel welcome in their house. My brother interjected to ask why I felt like that and we spoke about the different relationships between siblings and each other and between siblings and parents (my parents are far more inclusive in the kids' lives, as are her parents, as they've needed them for babysitting etc. since they were all born) and that how I was often left out of the loop when things were happening - even if it was by accident. So how could I text and ask about how the kids had enjoyed certain things if I didn't know that they were happening?
I explained about my sister-in-law blocking me on FB (which she denied. I actually got my phone out to show them both and she had to back track, claiming she hadn't done anything and it must have just happened) and not accepting my follow requests on Twitter or Instagram. My brother questioned her about this and she got very defensive, then he questioned why I hadn't told him about this sooner if I knew it had happened a while ago. I said, obviously, that I didn't want it to look as if I was slagging of his wife - to which he looked at me and said 'I'll be the judge of that'. He also brought up the fact that when he is working she always spends time with her family and friends and never with our family. He said that that was a habit she had to break, again she didn't look happy. As awkward as that bit was, it was actually lovely as my brother was clearly aware that his wife and I don't get on and never will but also that she has stuff to work on as well as me if this is going to work.
We went round in circles a bit on family history, what the relationship was that they wanted me to have with the kids and the fact that I thought they didn't want me around them. We acknowledged that there had been assumptions on both sides and lots of crossed wires and miscommunication - but at the end of the day we all want the same result so we have to move forward. The whole conversation took an hour. No one raised their voice. Everyone was honest, everyone pre-empted hurtful things with a warning. The only thing that really wound me up was when I was told not to be so downhearted about not having children as there was plenty of time. Their eldest has a friend who was conceived when his mother was 45, Brigitte Nielson has just had a child at 54. When I suggested that either or both of them were likely to be assisted conception and/or egg donation my sister-in-law replied, in a tone that said 'don't be so stupid', no they were both natural......... That's a battle a clearly won't win so I just changed the subject.
I know my sister-in-law and I will never be good friends, but at least I know now that they WANT me in their life. I have been given an opening here and I am NOT letting it go. After I left she took all the kids to the park as my brother got ready to go to work and I texted her the next day to ask how the kids had got on. It took her a while to reply but I got one :) oldest nephew has his sports day on Friday, I will be sending him messages to wish him luck beforehand and I'll try and phone at the weekend to see how he got on. If they want me in the kids' lives there is no stopping me now. I don't care that she is still blocking me on FB, they want me to be in the lives of those kids so I damn well will be!!!!!!!
