It has been over seven weeks since we had our horrible discussion about separating (which I wrote about here) and it has been just over five weeks since I wrote about (here) the first appearance of these frustrations. And nothing has changed. Not a thing. Well, except the level of said frustrations which have sky-rocketed to new levels.
It is affecting my sleep. Each night I go to bed, sometimes alone sometimes beside him, and as soon as the light is off and I have turned over to sleep the brain switches on. I have the argument with him in my head. I make my case. And so I am still there at 2am wide awake as my sleepiness has been shattered by my frustrations.
I am intrinsically unhappy. I still love him and he does make me happy, and yet I am unhappy. I love being around him, I love cuddling up to him, holding his hand when we're out. But any attempt at anything further and I get absolutely nowhere. I have stepped up my attempts in the past few weeks and I am still met with the same response. Nothing. How long must this go on for? His shift patterns are due to change in a couple of weeks and we'll get more weekends together. Do I leave it until then to see if that makes a difference? If it doesn't, and I'm genuinely not sure that it will, then one of two things have happened. Either he no longer finds me sexually attractive or he has just lost all interest in sex.
Not meaning to sound arrogant but I doubt it is the former. He makes all the right noises and is happy to kiss and hug me (in that at least I'm not doing all the work!), stares at me as I undress in the evening and pretty much always holds or pats my bum if he walks behind me up stairs. In which case is it definitely the latter? I know his shifts have affected him I really do, but I am less and less buying that as an excuse. He has always been one to like sleep, I don't think there has been a single weekend in all the time that we have been together that he hasn't taken an afternoon nap at some point (that may be a wider issue in itself to be fair). BUT. My brother conceived two children whilst working a similar, if not identical, shift pattern and it's not as if all men in his profession are barren.
I do not want to walk away from this, I want it to work. But as much as he says all the right things the actions are STILL not following. I am not happy. I am not getting any younger either and, apparently, there is nothing wrong with me (!) so as much as I want him to be the father of my children how long do I leave it before I walk away to give me the chance to have children with someone else? Or do I just admit that what we have is pretty special (it really is) and the price to pay for that is a sexless marriage and therefore definitely no children.
I genuinely do not know the answer to that question. I know I can't go on like this for much longer. I want to talk to him about it, but part of me wants to wait until his shifts change and see if that makes a difference. Unfortunately I have a feeling it won't but who knows, maybe I'll be proved wrong. Until then I guess I need to put a lid on the frustrations and try and sleep at night.
