Hey kids.
If I'm allowed to say that?! Tis just a phrase, am not being patronising :) honest.
Anyway. It's been a weird week. I can't even put my finger on why, I'm feeling tearful and hormonal, it's almost PMT-esque. Except it most definitely isn't that unless my cycle has suddenly become all kinds of screwed. So let's not go there......
So, what has been going on?
I've had news from friends this week that has rocked the boat slightly, things changing that you have no control over. The house of cards starting to falter and at this precise moment, when they're moving but haven't actually collapsed yet, you have no idea where the cards will fall and how things will look when it's over. What I do know is that large scale changes are coming and I'm not sure what the road ahead looks like at the moment.
There's change at work too. After two and a half years here I finally feel as if I'm settled and have a core group of friends that I socialise with outside of work as well as see inside work. However three of the biggest and most instrumental members of this group have left this summer. Again, things are changing. Things I have no control over. How is the dynamic of my work friends going to change with these losses? It could well shift but stay fundamentally the same, it could shift and form something new which, whilst not the same, would work equally as well and (who knows!) might even be better. Or it could seismically shift things and it all changes to the point where I just wish it was how it used to be. I've always been a sentimental old fucker. I keep all sorts of crap because it has value to me or reminds me of something I want to make sure I don't forget.
And I've never dealt well with change. Which, whilst true, is a bit of an irony since large scale changes were implemented not long after our infertility diagnosis - we moved house and both changed jobs. Which are pretty big changes! I also know that change can be a wonderful thing, that if you stay static for too long it's not healthy, that if you don't jump you have no idea what's the other side and that the scariest thing is not the jump itself but that split second between deciding to jump and actually doing it.
But still. I've had enough change lately and it's all been good change. Sometimes things need to fall apart to come back together stronger, differently but in a better way. I know that, but it doesn't make it any less scary. The worst is change that I have no control over and both these events I outline above, as well as a couple of other things going on at the moment that I am not going to go into here, are things I can do nothing about and just have to wait and see how things pan out. Patience is also not something I'm particularly good at........
Maybe this is just the mad ramblings of someone who has spent far too much time thinking about things. Too much time pondering the 'what if' and going over and over things in my head, the different scenarios and what I would do/what would happen in each one. I'm fully aware that over-thinking something can be a dangerous as under-thinking it but that hasn't seemed to have stopped the thoughts consuming me.
Whatever my current frame of mind and the reasons behind it, I have no other outpost for it than this little forum. So, lucky readers, you get to be the confidante that I appear to be currently lacking. The person I can open up to without thinking that I'm going completely insane. I realise that this should be hubby and we have discussed things - my mood, the stuff that's going on with friends - but sometimes it's just better to write it all down. Things seem clearer in writing. The jumbled thoughts put in some kind of order.
Or I just am genuinely going mad...........
