Howdy.
It's been an interesting few days. The dear friend that I wrote about in my last post is still moaning on FB about her lack of sleep and I'm still going round in circles. However it is something else that is plaguing me today.
On Monday of this week, I passed my probation at work. Yay! I am now a bona fide, real and proper employee at this lovely lovely wonderful new job of mine. Whoop! The trouble is, this then led hubby to broach the subject yesterday that we really should start trying properly again. Not that we've particularly abstained, but there has been no diary checking and no waiting as there's been no pressure.
What if, now all is so much better in our lives, it still doesn't happen? We're physically both fine (apparently) so surely now we've reduced the stress that plagued us last year it should happen within a few months, yes? But what if it doesn't? What if we keep trying and it still doesn't happen. I mean, I know we have other plans in place (IVF, adoption) but they're just plans. It's not as if we'll ever actually need them. Will we......??
In my head I'd rather not try at all because if we don't try then we can't fail. By the same logic we also can't succeed! But I'd rather live with that fact than with the constant monthly heartbreak of failing. The fact it might actually work this time doesn't do anything to quell my fears as I'm convinced it won't happen.
He says I shouldn't feel like that, to be honest I think he has difficulty understanding why I feel like that. But I just can't cope with the failure. The ongoing complete and utter disappointment. But it is true - I'd rather not try at all than try and fail.
Wow, this is a depressing post!! It kinda relates to a post I wrote a couple of months ago (here) and it is something I've been thinking about a lot lately knowing my probation at the new job was coming to an end.
Maybe it's just December-itus. We're coming to the end of the year and I desperately want a break. Aside from 3 days (over a weekend) camping by the coast we've not had a holiday this year. Hubby has pretty much used up all of his for weddings/stag dos and job interviews whereas I used the rest of mine when we moved house. We've both got the full two weeks of Christmas and New Year off so maybe that will shake my mood.
I have been feeling blue for a while, that kinda PMT-like feeling when you're just down and want to cry. And then you want an argument and to punch something. Yeah, that. A black cloud just hanging over me. Yep, a break is most definitely needed.
Maybe then I'll actually want to try, I will have steeled myself for the potential failure and I'll actually look forward to things maybe happening rather than being certain that they won't. Who knows. Stranger things have happened.
